| cheating wife
Posted: 3/14/2004 3:43:36 PM | | I found out that the women that i have been married to for 17 years Is cheating on me with a good friend of mines brother .I know it sounds like a soap but is true.The other day I wrote her a letter because she stays out all night every weekend and said you have to chose by the end of the weekend so far no answer I don't know what to do? | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/14/2004 7:56:50 PM | Oh gosh, I was kind of hoping someone else might get a useful reply in. About all I can offer is some outside analysis. Marriage involves "payment" and effort on lots of different levels. If things have degraded to the point where sex is the only criteria left, and you have been neglecting that; I really don't see a lot of hope. If you have been contributing in lots of other ways, then maybe refreshing her memory on these other points will be enough. But it seems that a "quick fix" isn't really in the cards. If you do want things to continue, and can get her to reconsider based on how you've been contributing in other ways to the relationship; then you really do have to change how you approach things in your relationship and deliver a few more things that she is looking for. But if you aren't willing to contribute a little more, or add a little more to your relationship; I really don't think all the wishing in the world is going to help.
If you do get things going again, I do think that "familiarity breeds contempt" is a concept you should keep in mind. I don't think it is ever too good to become too predictable. You need to do some things that are unpredictable on a "regular" basis. Some of this stuff may be targetted at her (your wife), and some may be targetted at others. Being predictable in general is a good thing, but some randomness is needed. She needs to know that you will back her up, but coming home to find flowers unpredictably (chocolate, etc.) is also good.
Best of luck! And I hope someone with more experience can add something more concrete.
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/15/2004 11:08:29 AM | Fortran is right. And if I can, I just want to toss in my two cents. Granted, this is an online dating service and the "Answer" probably isnt here, however....
My divorce ended for the very reason you stated. I went about it pretty much the same way you did. I layed my cards on the table and said, "You have X amount of time to figure out what you want..." I came up wanting. Thats the only problem with offering an ultimatem... be prepared for her to chose.
I would suggest marrital councelling obviously. If she is willing to do that, then that is a must, especially at this point. If your 17 year marriage is on the rocks because she is seeking comfort in the arms of another... a dozen roses arent really the issue here. No offense to Fortran, but there are issues that go beyond leaving toilet seat up occasionally. Your marriage needs quality intervention. I hope that she is willing to put her emotions on hold and give your marriage the consideration that 17 years of time deserves. However, she may not be willing to do that. Emotions should never control our choices, they should support them.
Just my opinion, as there is no way I can sit here and provide THE ANSWER for you. I am sorry your dealing with this and wish you all the luck in the world.
~Fleric | |
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guard1
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Joined: 11/27/2003
Msg: 4 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/16/2004 12:48:10 PM | | Thank you Dr. Fortran for you anaylsis of a cheating wife. Go figure..... | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/17/2004 6:53:08 AM | hey, the assumption here seems to be that people cheat because the relationship is lacking, either in the bedroom or elsewhere. now, without knowing the particular circumstances of your situation, is it too far fetched (s'cuse the pun) to suggest that it's the person doing the cheating that is responsible for their lack of honesty, at least, and the hurt that may cause?
so then the question is not whether SHE wants to be with YOU, but whether you still want to be with her, whether she is sleeping with someone else or not. surely she's already made a choice. that was to be with you both and deceive you. isn't that the problem. that won't go away, even if she stops seeing the other guy. so perhaps counselling could help if YOU decide to give HER another chance. seems you've already decided she can't have you both. so if she leaves, that was YOUR decision, not hers. don't give away your power, man.
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 4:27:39 AM | | damn eric...you seem to me the perfect agony aunt...or uncle..lol..you certainly have a valid point ..i feel you bro..although,deception is hard..well..almost impossible to justify,i mean if shes coming home to you after screwing another guys brains out yet still confessing her undying love,then that is sheer wickedness and cruelty,but if she has made it clear that she feels the relationship is lacking,and her man dont lift a finger in order to rectify that problem..then i suppose shes entitled to find her needs elsewhere...thats why you should always be prepared to listen to what your partner is saying..never take anything for granted. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 11:53:24 AM | | Ya good point Otters... truth of the matter is that there are usually about 4 sides to every coin.... patent answers usually cannot reconsile a catastrophic even in a relationship. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 2:39:30 PM | | wow this is a hard one to share my views on. Im soon to be divorced..and although I cant prove me ex cheated I know he was calling gal pals and going out all the time. His heart wasnt home at all anymore. It deteriorated soon after we married....i realized that my image of white picket fence...financial freedom.. awesome kids supporting hubby were not coming true. I saw all of his faults and I dint like them. You see women visualize the perfect man...they put up with soo much and say nothing for soo long. Its wrong. Communication is crucial in a relationship. If the other is unwilling to tlak you have a problem.Nothing can be worked out.. or changed. Also if the other is unwilling to help to change the problem then yer screwed. It takes 2. We went to councelling and my ex thought it was a pill you took and it would get better in the morning. He didnt realize these thing take time and effort. He is a great person he just wasnt supprtive enough.. it was like the wife having to take care of the hubby. So my advice is look at it from the wifes side. was she being ignored....was she being accepted...words of praise or thanks??? was she feelling a servant in the house??? a woman will wander if shes being ignored by her man. Shell find a warm hug somewhere else even if she loves her hubby. So talk to her...and hell if all else fails..leave her. Im sorry but i beleive if you cheat once.. you will again. You can forgive.. but most never forget.it will eat away at you both like a worm. Always try councelling or just go by yourself....to seek advice on your own.. he or she may give you the strenght your looking for.GOOD LUCK!!! | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 3:45:26 PM | Yeah I agree with alura....for the most part. The majority of the time when women cheat it's to get some emotional need met. And most men cheat for sex..at least I think so. But , I know there are exceptions with both sexes....some women cheat for sex and some men cheat for love...that being said......If a woman is alone all the time or looked upon like just another piece of furniture in the house....it makes it much more likely that she will go somewhere else to get her needs met. On the other hand the same goes for men. well there you have it....my 2 cents.
Lex | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 6:24:30 PM | Hey Lex
You are in the wrong business, you need to be a therapist, what's crazy about your advice is that for some reason it's really straight to the point.......and it makes sense too! What a combination ......and you play bass, what a chick!
Bob | |
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LEXI76
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 10 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/18/2004 7:06:44 PM | | LMAO @ catt....the funniest thing about your statement is that I'm going back to school in august to finish my psych degree lol. But i just give my opinion...prolly too much hehe. But that's just me.....I never shut up..not sure I'm capable of it lol. And the bass is the best instrument ever..it ranks right up there with beer and porn lol. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/19/2004 2:38:39 AM | Hey,
A good ole' Gibson Les Paul ain't so bad either! Oh yeah, you better go after that degree, the only problem is that you may actually help people! You see my only mental problem is that I own over 50 Guitars and now it's weird because I don't have feel guilty about buying them anymore!
I have had the pleasure of experiencing the "Cheating wife" myself.....what sucks is that the whole time I was touring I was such a good boy, damn that never got me anywhere.........like Jimi says......."That's alright, I still got my Geetar" Damn before I knew it I was telling my life story!
I don't have a clue of where your located but if I ever pley there I'll let cha' know.........HA! Especially if you like live music.........bring your Bass. By-the-way If you ever need a great amp look at the SWR bass rig.........it sounds so good it will break your heart! DOH!
Hey, keep up the good advice, helping people is a cool thing, besides Whales are to big and heavy!
Bob. | |
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LEXI76
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 12 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/19/2004 7:11:43 AM | Hell Gibson's are great!.....I have a couple of amps already...little one and big one...and if you're ever in my area let me know I love live music, of course!
Lex | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 13 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/19/2004 10:35:10 AM | | hmm what kind of live music are we talking about?? rock jazz??? thats fab.. I love live music with a great dancing beat. Congrats to lex on going back to college for your degree thats awesome. Im a councellor a few times a year man Ive heard it all from suicidal to cheating to sex abuse you name it. If ever you think your life is is goin bad....step in someone elses shoes...you could be just whining....when someone else is sobbing. | |
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LEXI76
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 14 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/19/2004 6:17:44 PM | | thanx alura...actually i'm kinda nervous about the weird shit I'll hear lol......and live music rocks...unless it's country lol...then it usually sux. not that i really hate country music...but it bores me to tears..always the same thing.....love ran off..dog got run over......boo hoo lol | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/20/2004 7:04:52 AM | Hey There Alura2........
Hmmmmm.........live music, well I play Guitar doing Rock, more classic type rock than the newer stuff. I just play at House of Blues in Orlando, (so many tourists) doing hard blues, so I kinda do whatever and wherever my Guitar takes me. It's a good living and first and foremost..........FUN! I love it.
Yes Lex, she already has a degree, just doesn't know it yet, but she does have bass.....I think you should come and sit-in with us sometime.....cool!
Bob | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 16 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/22/2004 2:25:28 PM | | hmm so i havent heard back from the creator of this thread.. did he heed our advice?? in jail for murdering her or what?? id like to know how it ended up. I hope its all ok...i dont know how some people can cheat on someone and forgive.. never for me.. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 3/29/2004 2:50:53 PM | i was in the same boat last year as you and i know that after 23 years its hell.
both sexes do what your wife is doing and she wont change the old story a lepeord never changes its spots is true. my advise is dump her she will see the error later when its to late . you cant carry on your life as it is no matter how much it hurts .
i have pondered and repondered but your wife will do as she wants i am sorry that you are on the recieving end but life goes on .
onwards and upwards as they say good luck my freind whatever you decide | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 4/3/2004 6:13:02 PM | Hi there!! Fellow musician here. I personally love my les paul black beauty and yes she is origional. I play mostly jazz and blues, love it. I am a huge SRV fan!
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 4/12/2004 1:19:36 PM |
Hey buddy, I feel for ya.
I came home from a camping trip one day to find my blushing bride in a nighty and some other dildo in my bed. I lost my house, kids, and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Here are some options:
a) Clean out your bank accounts now. Take everything you can get your hands on.
You can always give it back later.
Get a lawyer who specializes in divorce now!!
b) Find another woman to give you emotional support and help get you through this.
Special hint: South American women are fabulous, especially in Peru. Kazakhstan has 15 women for each guy. They are intelligent and gorgeous.
c) I've studied personalities and psychology.
Do a search and check out your personality type. Also check that of your lady.
www.socionics.com is one site.
Opposites attract, and that's okay. Learn who you are and why the mistakes happen.
The biggest reason relationships fail is that one or the other try to change each other.
People are initially attracted by the differences. It makes them feel complete.
Learn how to accept and nurture. It takes work by both parties.
Some personality types are especially dangerous. Unhealthy ENFJ type 2's are notorious for flirting and cheating. Many take love, but are incapable of giving in return.
d) Talk to a doctor about Paxil.
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atvguy
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Joined: 5/21/2003
Msg: 21 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 4/12/2004 10:22:54 PM | This has happened to me twice, and I don't care one
bit. Got the house in both divorces, I've moved on,
way past these. Not every person in the world is
like this, that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
I'm happier now than I've ever been, and hearing
about the soap opera lives of my ex-wives makes
me chuckle, very loudly.
I've discovered that lots of woman find me attractive,
and desirable, who knew! I've had sex with women in
their 20s, and they think I'm their age too. I'm having
the time of my life now, you could too, there is life
after divorce. I'm living proof of it.
From someone who's been there, twice, my advice is
to move on, get your life together, be yourself, and
start living again. I watch cheaters all the time, that's
NO WAY TO LIVE!
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 22 | |
| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 4/13/2004 3:46:44 PM | | uh huh.. life goes on after a breakup....i know it..but yes its true.. get out as fast as you can...freeze the accounts and seek financial advice or a lawyer asap. Alot of trouble and hell is caused when there is money issues. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 6/2/2004 4:57:11 PM | 1st of all I am sorry that sorta thing has happened.
It's all up 2 u really.
Do u still love her? Can u trust her again? Can u work it out ?
If not, I think it's time 2 leave. | |
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| Re: cheating wife
Posted: 6/6/2004 3:18:17 PM | "If you took the time,effort,money,etc to get married, then you should have gotten all the "player" sh*t out of your system."
Right, but what if you didn't? I was a social zero until I met my wife. Twenty years later I'm ready to rock and have become obsessed with all that I didn't do back when I could. Meanwhile she's caught up in her own mid-life and pre-menopausal issues and tears at the relationship every day. I feel like I'm in chains every moment. Now what? Haven't slipped yet but my profile shows I'm on the verge. I guess I'm just a selfish a$$hole, huh?
I dunno, everyone's so perfect and the cheater, who's obviously in pain already, is just the dog everyone has to kick. | |
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