| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:12:28 PM | | I have a buddy who met a woman online. They dated for nearly 4 months and it seemed to go pretty well. He cared for her and treated her pretty well and with alot of respect.. Bought her gifts, took her out, was an ear to listen when she had stress or problems.. Done a little cleaning in her house a couple of times.. He just really, really thought she was a special person. They were intimate and he told her on more than one ocassion, that he judt didn't want her for the sex.. he told her he respected her and cared about her as a person.. And always said she deserved to be treated special.. But now my buddy has a sometimes off the wall sense of humor.. And he was on this other dating site a long time before he met his gf.. But that dating site was really poor and after while he got to sending stupid/comical emails to some of the people on there as a goof.. Now he did this quite a while as just a pass time for giggles before he met his lady friend. Well long story short, he's a guy..some of the jokes were a bit off color.. but it was just a laugh for him. I can vouch he is a very honest person.. he told his lady friend all about the goof date site and wanted to show her his account there.. let her see it was just messing around, then he planned to delete that account because he had found someone he really cared for and resected.. So, the gf looks into the account before he is with her to do this 2gether.. accusses him of meeting other women.. which he did not ever. They had a fight, got back together... He even got emails from the women on the other site saying they never met and just joked online.. and he gave them to his gf..and cancelled the account. So things seemed better than before.. he and his GF seemed closer.. he treated her even better.. wanted her to know that she was the only one for him.. It goes great.. One month after all this happens.. She cancels a special weekend they had planned together.. says she is feeling ill.. sends all day with her best friend.. changes her hidden profile on POF to looking for someone to date.. Blames him for it because of what happened a month ago.. which was nothing at all.. it was all dead and buried to him.. And now says she wants to break up.. Previous to this.. she said she liked him a lot, but felt she could never love again due to past heartbreaks.. But now emails him and says she wants to love and be loved and be someone's # 1!!!!! She was his #1.. and he told her before the break up that he would like them to maybe progress up the ladder of emotions and sharing and such.. And she told him she only had the energy to do casual dating.. But now wants to perhaps be in love with someone... Does this make sense to some of you.. No insults please.. serious advice for my buddy only.. He is heartbroken and confused over all of this.. Granted his gf has a lot going on in her life too with some things.. But do you think she is clouded by fear or confusion? Or has pulled a classic mind game on him with all the double talk and sudden break up out of the blue when just the day before it was all happy phone chats and smiles???? What do you think of this relationship issue? Please do not delete, this poor guy needs some solid perspective.. So be realistic and tactful here.... Thanks .. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:05:03 PM | Sound like a helluva rough time for your buddy there. It also sounds like his gf is confused and doesn't know what she wants. From what you know of her, do you think she is happy, and I don't mean with the relationship but with herself. If she is so confused and she is unhappy is she capable of having a happy and healthy relationship right now? Can she be happy in the type of relationship that your friend wants? I think that your friend needs to think about that. Hopefully he can get some perspective.
I wish your friend the best of luck making sense of this situation. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:30:40 PM | | Well sounds to me like your buddy opened that can of worms and its just not starting to stink. Women don't take you being on a dating site as a joke. Sounds like the more she thought about it the more she thought he must be lieing to her. She will never changer her mind about that so its best your buddy moves on and leave her be. He screwed up and now it came back around to bite him. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:36:41 AM |
Sound like a helluva rough time for your buddy there. It also sounds like his gf is confused and doesn't know what she wants. From what you know of her, do you think she is happy, and I don't mean with the relationship but with herself. If she is so confused and she is unhappy is she capable of having a happy and healthy relationship right now? Can she be happy in the type of relationship that your friend wants? I think that your friend needs to think about that. Hopefully he can get some perspective.
I actually asked him that question.. And from what I undrestand, she can be a pretty happy person. But then sometimes she can kind of be really down and stressed over a lot of things. Her job, a son who is diabetic, her son moving in with the ex husband soon.. which she worries about his health. And I guess lately she has been very physically tired and just complaining of feeling emotionally drained. He said he feels bad for her and tries to be there for her as best he can. And he wants her to be happy, healthy and okay. He said he is well aware that she is going through a very rough spot at the moment.. he said he prays for her everyday. And I guess she started that Meta fast diet just before all this happened.. It is a very low calorie diet, 800-900 calories a day. I told him maybe she is the type of person whose body just can't handle that low of a calorie diet.. some can, some can't. I guess she is going to see her doctor soon.. Which I think is a good idea. From what he told me, I feel sorry for her.. Seems to be a tough time in her life. But I think if I could talk to her.. I would tell her to try and get some prespective herself.. Try to reason things out the best she can and not let a good, caring man slip away from her life in this time of transition and challenges. He is a good man, very loyal and faithful.. and the kind of person who would do anything for her and even take care of her if she were ill God forbid. I think the two of them need to use a bit of logic and reason.. They sound like they did and still do care about one another.. I think she needs to let p[ast history speak for itself.. In 4 months.. only one disagreement.. He was very kind, caring and respectful towards her.. Made himself available emotionally and time wise with her.. Made himself available and offered to be there with and for her in her life.. ie, help her around her house and things like that. My advice would be for both of them to not be so quick to make a wrong decision.. let the actions speak for themselves in her time of need and from their short past. I feel for him too though.. Not easy watching someone you really care about suffer and go through a hard time.. You hate to see them do it alone.. You want to be there for them. And no one really likes to be alone during those times either.. They need a shoulder to lean on sometimes. I hope they can work through it.. May the angels be with them  | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:41:24 AM | It seems obvious to me he showed her a side of him that was really not respectful or attractive and she realized he wasn't who she thought he was. You wrote:-
"...But now my buddy has a sometimes off the wall sense of humor.. And he was on this other dating site a long time before he met his gf.. But that dating site was really poor and after while he got to sending stupid/comical emails to some of the people on there as a goof.. Now he did this quite a while as just a pass time for giggles before he met his lady friend. Well long story short, he's a guy..some of the jokes were a bit off color.. but it was just a laugh for him. ..."
I can't understand why he did it - what did he imagine would happen? Did he honestly think she'd say something like this?...."OH my, you had such a bad sense of humor and I am so grateful that that's not really a part of you any more, now that you're seeing me." Um, truly, that seems to be really very naive of him.
If he really felt it's not a part of him, he should have just deleted the account - but nope, for whatever reason I can't fathom, he wanted to show her that side of him and that, perhaps, is the essence. No one I know wants to really get involved with someone who thinks being really disrespectful is funny or attractive. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:56:15 AM | This is so simple - dont know why you are asking:
He was on a singles site while he had a girl friend, he was open to offers, and the e-mails from women saying they were just friends made it worse, because he had gone behind her back asking women to defend him, and they did, after they had sorted it all out.
If he was serious about her, he should have written off the profile with something like: found love hopefully wont be back
Suggestion:
Cancel all the profiles even if they are for 'fun' because to women 'fun' means casual encounters which means sex. Tell him that flaunting other women to the girlfriend does not always work, like it didn't for him.
Just my opinion - prob isnt right anyways | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:08:57 AM | Sounds like she has insecurities and he should have sat down right there and shown her his giggle b.s. if he had a prayer of her believing him. Logic would dictate that if he is telling her about his profile and activities that he is what he says he is, but for some, logic is absent or dominated by other emotions.
Many women may have reacted the same way but I suspect that someone that was really secure with herself and the relationship would have just thought him totally retarded and forgotten about it. Some people are hypersensitive about someone being on a dating site without considering why they are there or even if they remember having the profile.
This particular woman is going through a great deal and she could, given X amount of time, decide to come back to him but he needs to ask himself a couple of questions. This woman sounds scared and consequently when they were in a relationship, she kept him at arm's length. Now that she says she does not want a relationship with him, she professes to desire what she did have.
This woman is not ready for a relationship but when or if she thinks she is with him again, will anything have changed? Maybe your friend would be better off, no matter how it hurts, finding someone less emotionally needy. And perhaps someone who really appreciates his odd sense of humor. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:10:20 AM | | Yeah classic mistake as soon as he found someone he should of deleted his profiles and probably not of told her about them...(what you don't know won't hurt you) that kinda thing. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:20:24 AM | If she really was his #1 he wouldn't have been on other dating sites. He's on the site as a joke? Yeah right, sure he is. No sympathy for him here. She's justified in dumping him. I'd do the same thing if I was her.  | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:46:57 AM | For all those siding with her to dump him.. I agree with paskagedeal.. He was open and honest with her from day one. Opened himself up to her..
And.. she created another account on POF just to post on the forums.. it was a fake pic and fake age.. But the description and interests were all her in real life. And she had that ad saying, "long term." She would sometimes say things or post things he said.. thast made him feel like she was kind of flying in the face of the relationship.. Keeping him at an arms length like package said. He said sometimes he felt cared for.. and other times overlooked by things she would do and say and write. Posting things on the forums about men and cutting them down for it.. And the description or trait was him!!!!! And this was all before the dating site disagreement.... But none the less, he figured she was just a bit afraid of love.. gave her the benefit of the doubt and went onward... And do you think that all her posts were non-sexually explicit???? I know he didn't take offers from other women.. I've known him for years.. But I think they both had some insecurities and should have communicated more instead of playing by what he said she called, "The no script, no agenda rule," of dating.. If you don't have an agenda.. or map of where you would like to go.. Your like a ship without a rudder.. Your going nowhere.. I think if she ever reads this.. because she knows me as well.. She should rethink her dating policy.. Because I can see where it would lead to confusion, miscommunication.. questions and insecurities for both parties. How do you know where a relationship is headed if someone tells you after 4 months, "I have no intentions with you.. no script, no agenda." Thats what she told him about a week ago... If she wanted to feel more secure in the relationship.. Maybe she should have laid some brick work.. I think her own aloofness paved the way for her to feel more suspicious of him.. Because she knew she wasn't giving him much to go on at times.. and even admitted this to him. Someone needs to change up I think.. And thise siding with her need to read this.. | |
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Pers14
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Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:54:13 AM | | I wouldn't mourn this one for too long. She was suspicious, he was too flip about the account. Neither liked the reaction. Time to move on. Best wishes! | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:53:03 AM | Ok, OP, I have no idea why you are taking this all so personally - well, actually I have a very good idea, but you need to let this go. Your post shows you don't see he/you did anything that could show any responsibility at all for the outcome.....it takes two to make or break a relationship - really.
Honestly they both sound like they were playing games and it's probably best it's ended. So let it end already - your posting so many details and your very strong opinions here, honestly, is not something I would wish 'a friend' of mine to do. Really. There's something decidedly unethical here and I say, give it up. Really.
Just realized it seems you are very much under illusions about 'your friend' too. You end your O post with this
this poor guy needs some solid perspective.. So be realistic and tactful here....
He's hardly a poor guy if he could send those emails on that other site and then show his girlfriend, now, could he?! It shows disrespect, but you feel he's the one that's been so disrespected.
Alright - now can you see, 'what goes around, comes around'...or some would say it's very obvious karma occuring here. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:19:40 AM |
He's hardly a poor guy if he could send those emails on that other site and then show his girlfriend, now, could he?! It shows disrespect, but you feel he's the one that's been so disrespected.
Alright - now can you see, 'what goes around, comes around'...or some would say it's very obvious karma occuring here.
It is very hard to convey the whole story in this medium. I thought I gave a clear picture but obviously it has not gotten over to some. They seem to think that if someone makes a mistake, is honest about something dumb they did.. They should be punished for it. Maybe I have done my friends case more harm than good by doing this.. Which was not the intention. There are so many intimate details that can't be put here. So maybe it wasn't a good idea.
But by the looks of things.. If I ever find myself in the dating world again.. I think I would be a little insecure.. because of all this revenge, drop them like a hot potatoe mentality. Is there room for anyone to make a mistake anymore??? Does honesty not pay off? Are we better off hiding things from others.. even things that were meant for no harm??? He never called any other women.. He never met any other women. He horsed around online.. and his ex did the same thing here on POF...His gf's sense of homor was a little diff from his.. but still could be off color at times in it's own little way... He told me she posted a pic on her profile that he took of her after they had sex.. she was in a robe and a bit exposed.. and she put their private moment online for every guy to see.... They were jokesters from the beginning... Thats why he was comfortable sharing with her..But both went a little too far in one respect or another... Did that deserve punishment??? Then they should both be horse whipped for what they did..
I'm probably going to get killed for this now...lol... But maybe this will show the people who like to pass judgement.. There can be more than meets the minds eye.. I think they should talk.. because both have mad mistakes.. And she needs to get a script.. even if she writes it as she goes...  | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:01:54 AM | | I don't exactly see why people are attacking your friend, for starters. I think what you are trying to get at is why this woman would suddendly break up with your friend a month after all this happened. None of us know the real story here and none of us know his intentions so I think ppl need to back off your friend. None of us are perfect but I think it says something about him that he showed that stuff to her in the first place. It means he had nothing to hide from her. Anyway, I'm looking at her behavior more than I'm looking at his behavior. The way it seems to me, is she just wasn't serious about him. She wanted to keep looking for some reason, so whatever he thought was there, must just not have been. Maybe on his side, but she wasn't ready for anything serious with him. She may have been looking for love and just didn't find it with him. Or maybe she isn't ready to get serious yet and just put that in her profile. Who knows. But obviously she isn't the one. I'm sorry but your friend just needs to start over. I had dated someone for five months too and thought I had a pretty good start to a relationship. But I just started seeing things I didn't like and realized he wasn't the person I thought he was, regardless how great it was in the beginning. But I refuse to dwell on the why's and just move on and try to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with me. Your friend needs to do that too. For whatever reason, she backed off. I don't think it had anything to do with some sillyness on a computer. I think that was just an excuse. She's telling him she wants something different. Sorry :( | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:08:36 AM | Mind Freak~
You can't let something like this scare you out of the dating scene. Shit happens. Not everyone is perfect and not everyone is suited for the person they think they have this great relationship in the beginning. It all takes time. There is no way to know what early. There are so many things that show themselves months down the road. I don't blame you for being a lil insecure. It's scary out there lol. I don't know why ppl seemed to have this reaction to your friend. Maybe they have been burned, maybe they don't trust men. Who knows. I think ppl are losing their ability to forgive and it is sad. Honesty definitely pays off. Maybe it didn't for your friend and THAT particular woman but most of us, atleast I do anyway, appreciate complete honesty. I think ppl do hide themselves from others, due to their own insecurities. If your friend really did nothing wrong, then it's this woman's loss. From what you said about your friend, he was a good guy and treated her well. Should she be pissed at him for something he did before they even met? NO You don't "punish" someone for being honest. He didn't have to tell her. To me, that means he didn't have anything to hide. Yeah, sounds like there are a lot of other details you probably haven't mentioned. I would never let my bf put a picture of us online like that. Maybe she thinks if he did that, he did other things...I dunno. It's too bad for your friend but maybe that just means she wasn't the one for him. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:26:51 AM | My goodness its obvious mind freak that you are this friend which is why you think nothing wrong happen. Anyway serious you really think people are attacking cause they don't give the opinions you want? Grow up just a little you played a game you throught it was funny and harmless. Even if it was you are still in the wrong here and thats something you won't accept. If she had another account that is also in the wrong and with all the things going on in her life (from what you said) she more than likely figures why waste more time on drama.
I bet if i go back through all these threads i'll run cross one from her and get her perspective on the matter, right? Just let her be and don't keep pushing it with her. Seriously you can't force them to come back by begging and pleading and posting on this site (which you said she reads and post) trying to get more proof to throw in her face that what you didn't wasn't wrong. Maybe learn from this and realize that jokes in relationship with a woman who has a lot on her plate might not be the best idea. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:59:35 AM | | ok..here's advice for 'your buddy'...? NEVER...EVER...show a woman you're on another site..fun & games..or whatever..its just a stupid thing to do.Prolly that long weekend with her (g/f)..couldda been another dude..or even if it was her g/f, they prolly rehearsed all the reasons she should dump you..it was a dissfest.(4) months of dating is not a long time..they were intimate too soon..too quickly...after careful consideration..she wants to play the field..let her..and move on. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:16:02 AM | "Your friend" posted this story about a month ago when the hell broke lose first time around (it got deleted).
Perhaps "his" actions on that other web site, combined with "his" airing of dirty laundry here hurt her enough that she cannot get over this...
Maybe this lady does not like her personal stuff being discussed in forums?
I know I don't.
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:28:15 AM |
serious advice for my buddy only .....Gee you must be really close to your 'buddy' to know such detailed information.
Tell your buddy that he seems to be the type of person that thrives on attention and that he feels (your buddy of course) that the woman he is with should be so damn 'lucky' to have him.
Then take a chill pill (I mean have your 'buddy' take a chill pill).....Gee I'm so damn popular! | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:31:25 AM | | dog sorry, but you just met a stupid person. unfortunate for you that you liked her.. o well get over it | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:37:35 AM | | To me it sounds like she didn't feel the same way about him as he did about her. If she's been hurt before, and he was on a dating site, she could just associate the two and back away with her hands in the air. On top of that, if she's always maintained she didn't want love and just wanted casual dating, and he fell for her, it isn't her fault that she doesn't seem him that way because she wasn't ready to. He fell head over heels. She didn't. Now that she's ready to, she's going to move on to someone who can knock her head over heels, and unfortunately, that's not your friend. The best thing to do would just be to move on. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:45:58 AM | | are you sure this is about your *buddy* and not you? anyway someone said it right, it's quite simple. sounds like she found out she couldn't trust your *buddy* and therefore dumped him. i would have done the exact same thing that she did. | |
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| Advice for a confused friend
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:16:46 AM | Sounds like she has some serious trust issues.
She must have been hurt in the past and your friend's actions unintentionally opened up an old wound. That emotional land mine was buried long before your friend stepped on it, and if the showing the emails didn't trigger it, something else would have.
I would regrettably let her go, he apologized and tried to make it right, but some times people are so wrapped up in their past that they can't live in the present and go on to the future. | |
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