| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:20:53 PM | | Ok i tried to find this subject and couldnt so thought I would post anyway. Ok well My son's dad has never been part of his life and I would rather it that way, because he has anger issues and abusing substances. Ok our relationship fell apart before I had my son and his dad has never made contact or shown any interest evern though we live in a small - ish area. The reason for relationship break down was he was very abusive and always drunk and cheated non stop. The question is what do i tell my son without making the situation worse? | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:28:19 PM | | Nope he found out I had my son because I never hid that from him and his family. Nope of them have anything to do with my son, and have even turned the other way in the street. I havent told my son who his dad is because he is too young. I had to get a restraining order against him for death threats he made against me and it has lately ran out. I dont want to confuse my little boy | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:37:20 PM | Personally i wouldn't lie... although information on a need to know basis and age appropriate. Does your child ask about the father? At three he would be fine with something very basic... but again it depends if he wants to know, and if he is asking about him. Does he ask about any other family on the dads side? Also, how do u feel you would confuse him?
Hopefully you are getting another restraining order in place, or your son may unfortunetely witness what his dad is "really like".... and that would be a terrible thing for a three year old to see and understand. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:50:52 PM | | My son is five, and with the way the law is I am unable to get another restraining order because he hasnt done anything since the first one was put in place. He is not asking about his dad as yet but i feel i need to prepare myself for when he does. I dont want to build my ex up to be this nice guy when he wasnt but i also dont want to be seen as brain washing my child into thinking his dad was the devil reincarnated!!! | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:12:20 PM | Ya..... sorry... don't know where i got the age of three from...oops. Anyways, 5 is still pretty young. About what to tell him... when he asks, feel out his vibe... is it a casual question, or one where he is seeking some answers. IMO... at this age i was just let him know that you love him and will always be there for him. It is tough to say wether or not he will understand anything you say to him right now about his dad except that his dad loves him... and then something about how maybe the dad needs to work on some things and get some help so he can be the best dad to him.... although i still think that is for on older child. When he is older he will see that ou are raising him and his dad did/or did not try to be part of the picture.
Just a question ... do you have sole custody, sole guardianship? | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:55:03 PM | | Keep it simple. tell him the truth but not the blunt truth. Like some people don't know how to be parents, or want to be parents and they moved on, and it's nothing about the son since he doesn't know you or seen you but felt you were the best person to be a parent to him. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:24:44 PM | lots of folks will probably disagree with me,but hell,when dont they!!!
anyways,my son was 6 and my daughter almost 9 when their mother decided that being a dopehead was more fun and interesting then being a mom.i got full custody of both my children and raised them on my own since. my daughter is now 18,working,and living on her own.my son will be 15 next month and is a very good kid who does not get in trouble. i was very mad and disappointed in my ex-wife and although i didnt flat out tell my children EVERYTHING,i was honest with them about their mothers problems and why she wasnt around. i never told them that their mother didnt care for them,or that she didnt want to see them.but i did tell them about her habits and that it was something they should never do.personally i feel that parents these days sugar coat and hide truths from their children all too often. by the time they're grown they have no idea what the REAL WORLD is all about and we expect them to go out into it without critical knowledge of what the hell to avoid.
now that im through with my rant, when your child asks....tell him them the truth. as he grows and whether or not his father ever comes around,the child will make his own mind up as to whether or not the guy is even father worthy. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:08:03 PM |
when your child asks....tell him them the truth. as he grows and whether or not his father ever comes around,the child will make his own mind up as to whether or not the guy is even father worthy.
I agree .... just make sure it is an explanation appropriate to his age. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:46:09 PM | I totally agree with TALLIRISH.
My children are 4 & 5, their father has been addicted to hard drugs for most of his life, except the 4 yrs we were together. I took the kids and left when he picked up his addiction again 3 1/2 yrs ago. He has never been consistent about seeing, or calling the kids. SO I have just recently told him to loose our number, and quit coming around. He is no longer welcome in our home or on my property.
Both of the children know that Daddy is on drugs because he is SICK, with an addiction. They were also aware of it when he was in jail. I am not going to lie to them and have it be a double whamy, when they find out daddy was in jail and mom lied to us. I constantly tell them that their father loves them, no matter what he does, but because of his addiction he doesn't know how to be a good daddy so he stays away.
I keep in contact with his family, and the children are still apart of their lives, it is hard enough to have dad gone, I couldn't imagine losing the whole family because of it.
SO my advice, Age appropriate TRUTH. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:44:42 PM | | I agree with the posts that age-appropriate is the way to go. Five years old, your little guy does not know what addictions are, only that his dad is not there. My kids were 14 months and 4 when their dad left, and now at age 6 and 10 we have conversations about their father's anger and behaviour. At the time, my older child would cry that he missed dad and I would cry along and agree how sad it was. But then hug him and show him that I love him more than anything in the world. There are harsh realities out there and you cannot forever hide your kids from them....but at 5, it is really on a need-to-know basis. Daddy is not here, daddy does not live with us, I am sorry and it is sad but I am here always for you- :) | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:05:16 PM | When it comes to parenting I believe when they are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to get the answer. If you dont give it to them straight they will make up stories in their head or ask other people for the answers. I want it always coming from me. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:24:41 PM | | If you ever expect your son to be honest with you as he grows, you must be honest with him. Lead by example in all situations including this one. Don't shelter him from emotional pain; if it becomes an issue, help him through it as best as you can and you'll both be better for it. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:36:03 PM | When my nephew was 8 (my daughter was 2), he asked my mom how come my daughter doesn't have a dad. My mom's response was that some people just don't know how to be good dads/moms and my daughter's father was one of those people. It worked and he hasn't asked since then.
Prinnie | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:31:27 AM | you can be honest without being brutally honest.try this.
your father is sick.he has a desease called alcaholism.(this gives you a window of oppertunity to explain the reason why you should stay away from booze)he does love you,but hasnt learned how to.see mommy,s job is to teach you how to love.unfortunately your father wasnt given that opertunity,however if we pray for him he may find his answers.(if you dont believe in god use the word hope i guess).he is also very angry.until he can learn to love he might not get the oppertunity to see how wonderfull you are.god bless. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:33:13 PM | ^^^^^Good suggested dialogue, as well as points TallIrish and others have made.
Always tell kids the truth, they smell lies a mile away and what they make up in their head could be much worse than reality. I suspect that passionandsong's wording is probably different than the way you speak to your child, just find something along those lines to be factual without speaking poorly about the other parent.
Do use the opportunity to start introducing staying away from alcohol and drugs because dad obviously has an addictive personality. You also need to make it clear that you were not safe around his father and that part of your job is making sure that both you and your son are safe.
I have been as honest as possible with my children. There were times I tried to white wash things but when my daughter was around 8 and asked why her father didn't attend a performance I felt it was kinder to tell her the truth, that he didn't realize it was important to her, than to make excuses about work or whatever. I also tell her that I will always be there and she can hope that her father changes. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:49:09 PM | Thanks for the kind words, I will find it hard to tell him that his father loved him because in my heart of hearts, I dont think that is true. My sons dad was never there, even when i was pregnant. I was 8 and a half months pregnant when i finally walked away for good, and the reason I left was because it was either that or be attacked to death by him, his friends and his mistress. He made it clear even before my son was born that he had no intention of taking his responsiblities seriously. He saw my son twice after he was born and never took an interest in my son at all. He was more interested in making sure i was never going to forget what he was capable of.
His family have never taken any interest in my son either, especially when they turn their nose up at my son in the street and have never ever done anything positive to make contact, instead they tried to impersonate my family to get into hospital n my ex's sister even made a move for the pram when i was in town.
All these things are what makes my situation worse | |
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Jan868
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Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 22 | |
| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:31:01 PM | Just be honest with your son they are more resillient & intelligent than we give them credit for. I split with my ex husband when my son was 19 weeks old as he was having affairs, a drinker & mentally abused me! I tried my best for my son to have contact with his father but after 3yrs had for my sons sake to call it a day & stop contact, I still & probably will always feel bad for my son that he no longer sees his Dad & it is very hard when his friends either have or see their Dad but sometimes the hardest decisions are the best all round in the long run. I have learnt that you also have to consider yourself in these situations as you are the main person in their life & if your happy then they will be too.
Took me many years to learn - don't be so hard on yourself, don't put yourself last as a happy child is only happy with a happy Mum. Maybe one day we will meet a fab guy that will love our child & not only us - here's hoping & if not you can survive without a man lol
Enjoy your child, have time out for yourself with your friends & all will be Ok.
Janette  | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:41:55 PM | If you feel telling your son that his dad loves him is a lie then don't do it, they know when you are lying. Tell him that his father cares about him in his own way. It is coloring the truth a bit but it gives your child enough information to satisfy him, allows him to continue to feel good about himself, and leaves room for dad having a change of heart.
Even the most hardcore person could have some type of experience, serious illness or automobile accident and finally figure out what is important. If nothing changes, as your son is older and asks more pointed questions answer him as honestly as possible without putting a more negative spin on things than necessary | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:05:33 PM | ok passionandsong, I really dont agree with the comments u made. If a man truly cared about his child then he would never put said child in the line of danger and he would consider said child when making death threats against the childs mum.
I do agree there are some great men out there being great fathers to their children but my ex has never and will never be one of those men because he is too selfish and too set in a self-destructive life pattern to care!
My ex doesnt even take financial responsiblity for my son, he lets the state do that for him! I could have lost my son so many times but did my best to keep him safe.
Here is some more information that is another deciding factor in what i tell my son. I lost a child before I had my son because of the mental abuse and stress i was under with my ex and when I lost my child, my ex did not comfort me like a human being but told me the most demeaning things and then left to go get drunk!
I asked this question because I am stuck with what to say to an innocent child when he does come and ask questions. | |
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| Telling the truth about absent parents
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:40:59 PM | | I personally believe that no matter what the circumstances, you should never bad mouth the other parent. Your child will find out on his/her own in due time. And this leaves the door open for the absent parent to get their act together and possibly be a part of their child's life sometime in the future. | |
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