| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:30:39 PM | All right, here's how it happened: I was arranging to go meet a guy and after all the arrangements were made, I e-mailed him asking if he would mind telling me his last name. I don't really care either way, but the people I'm living with (roommate and an overprotective mother) get overly protective and hound me for not knowing this sort of thing before meeting people. The guy responded saying that he didn't like giving out personal info to people he hadn't met, then told me goodbye and wished me good luck.
Was I out of line? | |
|
| |
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:39:53 PM | He overreacted. But, essentially, last name is meaningless. If he was going to cause you any problems, he will give a fake name. So, the roommate and mom are not actually being protective here - the information gives you no level of extra security. And, from his perspective, the only use for knowing his last name is so that you can find info on him (especially if last name is unusual). And that is a bit stalker-like attitude.
I would've ended at "I am not going to give it out, let's meet", though. | |
|
| |
| |
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:35:00 PM | | Ok asking for a last name would not bother me, and I will ask people the same if we are going to meet just to be friendly. Seriously if you start going out and things start to click don't you think it would be kind of weird to later on ask "Ok things are clicking between us. Whats your last name?". Though when someone gives me their's I normally forget it in about 2 minutes because my short term memory sucks lol. The guy just wasn't worth your time from the sounds of it. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:54:54 PM | You know as a woman I would not give my last name to some random person on the internet with out meeting them first. There are too many freaks out there who do not need to know where I live before I tell them.
The same can be said for men on here and the few crazy ladies running around.
For a meet (in a public place) I don't need to know the last name. If it was someone who I was planning on seeing agian then yes for sure I would want it though.
But over all you need to do this how your most comfortable doing so. Did you ask him why he didn't want to give it to you, or did you just say ok never mind? | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:12:12 PM | He stated quite bluntly that he doesn't give personal information to strangers, made thinly veiled attacks on my character, and then he wished me luck. The weird thing is, I didn't exactly demand to be told. The way he responded he made it sound like I had given him an ultimatum.
Here's what I said:
This is going to sound a bit odd, but do you mind telling me your last name? The people I live with are overly protective (i.e. paranoid) and they keep hounding me about this sort of thing. I'll tell you mine if you don't know it already.
His response left me so gobsmacked, I typed up a frantic apology and dithered about for a good 20 minutes fretting over the fact that I offended him. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like his reaction was harsh and uncalled for.
Oh well. It's neither here nor there at this point. I think I'll try dating the old-fashioned way and just stick around here for the forums. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:50:17 PM | I dont think youwas out of line for asking his last name. and I definately can see his point of view as well. i would rather meet meet you first and let you hold my I.D if that's what will make you comfortable.
But the positive side of it , is that he didnt give you a bogus last name just to string you along. | |
|
| |
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:56:18 PM | "His response left me so gobsmacked, I typed up a frantic apology and dithered about for a good 20 minutes fretting over the fact that I offended him. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like his reaction was harsh and uncalled for. "
Yes that was uncalled for, he could have simply told you he didn't feel comfortable and left it at that. Every time I went on a meet my roomates had the first name and where and when we were meeting. I would give them a time and say if you haven't heard from me or I'm not home by this time you can worry.
There is no reason for someone to get rude because of that question. Sounds like your better off not having met him OP. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:41:27 PM | It doesn't bother me. But I know most women scurry like rats to their PC to Google, check sex offender registry, don't date him.com and other forms of electronic investigation upon gaining the "last name".
When she spits out your google resume, she's "well informed".
If a guy did this, he would be called "creeper" or "stalker".
I'd prefer to meet in public to alleviate date rape fears. | |
|
| |
| |
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:19:07 PM | I personally would NOT give anyone my last name that I have NOT met personally face to face. Why??? If you have to ask that question then you have not met enough people in your life,,,,,,especially off of the computer. You can do amazing things with a full name, and if you don't think you can't, then throw up your hands and I'm sure someone off this site will get a hold of ya.
I have to ask,,,,why would you think a last name would be any form of "protection" for you?????? I would be more inclined to tell your friends where you were going(with your OWN vehicle) and tell them to give you a call shortly after your date was SUPPOSSE to start. | |
|
| |
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:09:08 PM | | I would think it was wierd to not ask before the first date. To me, that would be a huge red flag. I mean you two obviuosly felt enough of a spark to actually meet, what's the big deal. I think I'd have to wonder what they were hiding otherwise. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:26:09 PM | I completely agree with Katyguy63.
Requesting a last name before meeting is reasonable and IMO a very good idea. I've never gone out with anyone before I knew their last name. If they're too uncomfortable/afraid to tell me (or vice versa), then there's not enough trust to even consider meeting. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:45:00 PM | I typed up a frantic apology and dithered about for a good 20 minutes fretting over the fact that I offended him. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like his reaction was harsh and uncalled for.
Sounds like you were in IM. I would NOT give someone my last name in a computer chat. It's seems WAY TO CLOSE to what an Internet scammer might ask. Look at it from his point-of-view: He writes to a profile on a dating site, and the woman wants to know his last name before meeting. What next, the SSN, and BIN# ?
Heck, I'd be freaked out, too! He probably thought you were some Russian mail order bride or your pictures were fake and the IM was coming from Nigeria.
If your mom and friends are so worried, they should go with you on the first meet and take another table at the cafe' where they can watch you descreetly. Or they can be sitting on a bench outside when you meet the guy and stay there until you leave. That's called watching someone's back. No need to introduce them --- you can tell you date a friend will drop you off and be in the area to for support.
| |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:52:59 PM |
But I know most women scurry like rats to their PC to Google, check sex offender registry, don't date him.com and other forms of electronic investigation upon gaining the "last name".
Have honestly never done any of these things, nor do I know any female friends who do these things.
I don't see a huge problem giving someone a last name before I meet them. If I hit it off with them, they're going to know it anyway. I don't think it makes a person any more safe having it, either, though. If I were you, OP, i'd make a point to tell your friends where you're going, the guy's first name, and maybe even his screenname if they're that worried. Also, tell them to call and check in.
For the record, ladies and gents, in this day and age, you can find things out about people without even knowing they're last name. I know that sounds really creepy, but it's true (think collectors, skip-tracers, private eyes, almost any branch of goverment, and so on...) | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:08:10 PM | | I have a thing where I will not ask for any information I am not willing to give out. If someone asks me for my last name, I expect their's in return. That's my only thing. I'd have a problem if someone wanted my name and wouldn't do the same. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:18:39 PM | a last name? come on , I don't think I've *ever* gone out with someone when I didn't know his last name.... to me thats just odd. Why would someone care?
as for the googling/don't date him /sex offender checks etc, do a lot of people really do this? I haven't and I don't know any of my girlfriends who have either.... anyway how do you know the last name he gave you was real? or the first name for that matter? wow maybe every guy *IS* an axe murderer afterall.....
Plus I think people should tell eachother their last names, just to make sure they're not , you know... RELATED or something
 | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:19:20 PM | I don't get the need to know someone's last name before you even meet; maybe I'm just old school and remember what it was like to meet and date people before the internet. Is she comfortable with offering me her last name at the same time? Yes, I do figure they want to google me or some such, and while I'm fine with all of that since I have nothing to hide, I do feel its a little bit of an invasion of my privacy. I don't think its necessarily a faux pas, but it does seem to be an overly paranoid mindset to have on entering into a dating situation. I often say, if all you ever look for is the worst in people, that's all you'll ever find. If this is a person you want to date, shouldn't he or she be given the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise? If not, why are you even accepting a date to begin with??
I look at it the same way I would if I met someone at a bar, or a bookstore or the supermarket; you know, the real world. I would introduce myself with my first name and if we hit it off, ask if I could buy them a drink, or have lunch or something. If we start seeing each other on a regular basis, we'll know each other's last names in due course.
I know there are all kinds of horror stories out there, but part of the reason those stories get around is because stories that end well aren't really news. I'd guess that 99.9% of most dates end harmlessly, whether it leads to a second date or not. I'm not saying to be stupid or naive; take all the precautions you need, like taking separate cars to a public meeting place. Common sense is great, and even an attractive quality; paranoia, not so much. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:50:04 PM | | when you ask someone their last name before meeting them or at least talking to them for several weeks, yeah its a bit unnerving, but in context, its more common place these days to give someone where your going and what time you expect to be back by. i guess nothing wrong with it, if both parties give last names, fair is fair, if people are that paranoid to need a full scale background search before meeting someone in a public place, then the world is in a sad state of affairs. | |
|
| Asking for a last name before a first date: Reasonable or faux pas?
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:55:04 PM | Your mentioning of overly-protective roommates is most likely what scared him away.
Why must your roommates know my last name before we even go out on a date? That's a ridiculous request. The whole thing comes across as a little creepy.
You even admitted that it was an odd thing to ask. You should not be surprised at the outcome. | |
|
Home
login 
