| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:16:58 PM | Guys, can you please settle this once and for all.
Girls tend to advise each other - "if you want to know if a guy likes you, just ask him." To me, there is nothing more UNSEXY than asking! If a guy asked me "Do you like me?" my level of attraction would just nosedive. It just seems so elementary school. And insecure.
I would prefer to show him or have him just assume yes, I like him, rather than hear him ask me. In this case, I believe actions speak louder than words.
But - in a man's world, what is the real scoop on this?
To ask or not to ask. That is question... | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:24:27 PM | Asking and vocalizing and being direct kills attraction for women.
For men, we like directness and clear and concise questions and answers. Unlike you, we don't like to assume or have to "figure it out". We have more productive things to expend our mental and emotional energy than trying to figure out if we sent out the right signals and they were received the right way, etc. That is a woman's way and a woman's point of view and a woman's language. We just like it straight forward. But we are just simple guys. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:27:51 PM | Confidence, security, and strength aren't things that guys naturally expect in women (even though they can be attractive), so you'd get away with it more often than not. It also depends how you ask it.
But guys doing the asking goes against their nature -- it is unmanly -- and kills the attraction with women. Besides, asking what a woman thinks is never going to be of any use to a guy anyways... Just watch what she does. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:30:12 PM | Most of the reply's are responses to people who are not sure...
I believe that when you know, you know and should be patient to find out either way.. however even after elementary school there are many guys and girls out there who can't show them, or not in a way that can be taken as a "she/he likes me in that way"
I also believing assuming yes is a big mistake, as i am sure you do not want some guy you do not like assuming you do, and it would not be fair to him to allow him to think that if it was not fact.
I have responded with the "just ask him" before.. and it is in reply to folk who do not have the patience to find out the natural way, or the natural way is just not working out (ie it is not obvious although trying to be) and I also write it because i believe that it is useless asking a bunch of forum dwelling strangers things like "does he like me" as if we were to know.
I believe communication is a major key to any working relationship, and with this said.. if a guy or girl can not make it clear they like or dislike someone through their actions, to say it with their words.. and because alot of people do not do that (usually fear of rejection sparks this) then i do not see any harm in asking after seeing that person for a good period of time... I do not see that as insecurity either (if it was within the 1st week etc, then yeah it could be or could be seen that way).
personally it would come down to the approach though... just asking "do you like me?" is not the best way to go of course... something like bringing up reflections of what you have both been through so far, making it verbally clear you like them, and asking if they feel the same (if there is silence after admission) is a good way to find out for sure, and is a just an honest question.
So.. in a nutshell not every man or woman can be "read" not every man or woman is "open" so sometimes asking a question (alike in any situation) is the only way the facts can be seen. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:36:11 PM | Most men prefer that you look at them and lick your lips in some seductive manner, that sends a signal loud and clear. Actually most women do some strange nervous thing they don't even realize they are doing, like raise their eyebrows for a split second. I look for those types of things.
I personally don't like that question and would not advise you do it unless you're in high school. Only a wuss would want a girl to ask them a question like that! It takes all the fun out of dating. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:36:35 PM | I read your OP several times, and I'm so confused, I don't know what
your asking! Men asking Women? Women asking Men?
One thing I know for sure! A man revealing his interest in a woman (verbally, early on)
kills her attraction, so maybe it's the same thing you are saying. Maybe it's a case of, now she can't wonder about it anymore , driving herself crazy, and the fun is over!  | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:36:54 PM |
Guys, can you please settle this once and for all.
Girls tend to advise each other - "if you want to know if a guy likes you, just ask him." To me, there is nothing more UNSEXY than asking! If a guy asked me "Do you like me?" my level of attraction would just nosedive. It just seems so elementary school. And insecure.
I would prefer to show him or have him just assume yes, I like him, rather than hear him ask me. In this case, I believe actions speak louder than words.
But - in a man's world, what is the real scoop on this?
Honestly, I'm just so used to women being insecure that it wouldn't effect me either way. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:39:42 PM | | nothing like being put on the spot. If the guy didn't, how do you say "no, I don't like you?" | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:49:01 PM | I have been advised time and time again by men I know, that the best way to figure out if a man likes you, is to gauge his level of interest by how he acts.
Is he calling? Does he look at you directly when he is speaking or just at your chest? Does he seem genuinely interested, or is he scanning the landscape around you for something more interesting? Is this any different than how he treats everyone else around you at the same time?
Men are fairly easy to read if you are an observant person. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:53:35 PM | | You don't need to ask guys if they like you. If you flirt with them and they respond, then they like you. If they don't respond, then they either don't like you or your flirting techniques suck. In that case, ask Red to borrow her manbat. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:54:02 PM |
or have him just assume yes, I like him
This is how guys end up with sexual harrassment or other related charges. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:56:49 PM | Besides, asking what a woman thinks is never going to be of any use to a guy anyways... Just watch what she does.
Is funny cuz is true.
But me no should generalize. Is bad. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:16:06 PM | | I'd prefer it if women were more direct. I don't see it as insecure at all to ask a guy if he's attracted. Quite the opposite, I see it as a sign of confidence and a reluctance to go through the typical BS people like to play with each other. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:38:51 PM | Ah! The key is that they LIKE to play with each other!
That's what love should be. A playful dance.
It's not a business contract! That's so boring! | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:41:00 PM | It wouldn't kill it for me. She could just attack me also. Either way, if I like you, it's all good. If I don't, I'll tell you.
When guys ask it's because they have been told so many times that they lack respect for women and their boundaries, and where have all the considerate men gone, etc. It took me a long time to figure out this is what is said to sound good in public. It's not what they want. Usually. I've given up and have reverted to if she seems into it, just grab her and John Wayne her. If she says no or kicks me in the balls or gets her boyfriend of the week and his friends to beat me up, whatever. It's been done before. I've had worse. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:41:19 PM | "Guys, can you please settle this once and for all.
Girls tend to advise each other - "if you want to know if a guy likes you, just ask him." To me, there is nothing more UNSEXY than asking! If a guy asked me "Do you like me?" my level of attraction would just nosedive. It just seems so elementary school. And insecure.
I would prefer to show him or have him just assume yes, I like him, rather than hear him ask me. In this case, I believe actions speak louder than words.
But - in a man's world, what is the real scoop on this?
To ask or not to ask. That is question..."
well, women asking a man I dont see a problem at all with, as guys most of us are direct, straight forward, we don't give out 1000s of subtle hints to try and get our point across. Plus its not like you can really ask how a woman is thinking, not only do they conduct themselves entirely differently they have practically a whole other language. For instance you ask a woman how she is doing, if she says fine, she usually means the opposite, its like fine is some sort of clue that means absolutely NOT fine. Its not like they even say it angrily or "sad" just "...fine" or "fine"
as a perfect example I was dating a girl a few years back and a few months later in our relationship we had some form of disagreement, I said basically "have I not always been there" and she said "no" so I asked her to name 1 time, so she says oh well I called you this one time on the phone and I was crying and everything and you just wanted to hang out with your friends.
Yet during this phone conversation she never told me she was crying, or that she had a bad day, she didn't sob on the phone, she said NOTHING at all that would indicate something was a miss, yet she thinks I should be able to pick up all of these subtle hints which obviously I did not.
Nothing wrong with just asking / telling someone something straight. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:53:15 PM | | I agree with you to a certain point, but on the same hand, what if she doesn't like me and I think she does? then I look like and feel like a total jerk when I just assume that she does. If a girl likes me and she doesn't let on, I'm not going out of my way to think that she does like me. She can drop every hint known to man, and I'm not buding one bit until she lets on that she likes me. I did that once before, and she went out of her way to make me feel like a complete jacka$$ for actually thinking that she liked me. Me, worthy of her? Not in her eyes, and she let me know it. Last time I make the mistake of assumption again, regardless of what seems to be the proof. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:04:08 PM | ^^^^^^ Wait it get's even worse!
Some women may like you. Even a lot! But have no intention
of wanting a relationship, for a possible great number of reasons! | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:08:17 PM | plastic sturgeon - I'm actually doing that to a girl right now. I fell kinda bad about it, but at least I'm honest with her. For 100,000 different reasons I just don't want to date anyone right now. Litteraly, 100,000 different reasons, or close enough. There's nothing wrong with her either. She's pretty, she's nice, she's got all I want and what I wouldn't want, she doesn't have. Just bad timing is all.
Never the less, I had it done to me once too. Friendships, as a result are a good thing. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:12:55 PM |
Girls tend to advise each other - "if you want to know if a guy likes you, just ask him." To me, there is nothing more UNSEXY than asking! If a guy asked me "Do you like me?" my level of attraction would just nosedive.
But - in a man's world, what is the real scoop on this?
If you are talking about a guy who you are watching from afar and he has absolutely zero frame of reference of who you are then asking is probably going to be a bad move. Unfortunately many women pine for some men from a distance and assume meaningless and extremely brief interactions mean more than they do. ( "Gosh he rang me up at the register and he smiled at me. AT ME! He didn't do that to that old lady in front of me!")
If you are talking about a guy who has some daily interaction with you and knows your name and you've traded a joke or a personal detail or two, then he's already probably determined in his head whether he would want to see you naked or not yet.
If it's the latter situation then he won't reject you if you ask simply because you asked. If he rejects you it's because he thinks you are ugly. That's it. Men aren't that complicated. We have a simple thin white line. On one side is "Want To Have Sex With" and the other is "Only If You Threatened Me With A Gloria Estefan Concert"
He won't reject you for asking. He'll only reject you if he finds you sexually undesirable.
As for asking, go ask him if he'd want to have coffee sometime. Let the rest sort itself out there. Now if you are thinking of asking this guy, it means you must really find him attractive in some way. Most women don't tend to pull the trigger on first contact on guys they are so-so attracted to. If he has something about him that makes him first contact worthy for you, it means it's true for other women out there as well. If the guy has a lot of visible traits to offer (height, looks, career, Alpha status, etc) he's probably going to be used to being approached and offered interest, meaning he will likely be able to handle your approach without resorting to throwing rocks at you. There's a decent chance he will be very civil either way. Men get rejected, even the hot ones, way more than women. Most of us learn how to reject women as deftly and diplomatically as we can accordingly.
Again, you only need to remember the one point.
He won't reject you for asking. He'll only reject you if he finds you sexually undesirable.
So you really have nothing to lose by asking. Unless of course you've never spoken to this guy before and you watch him through plate glass windows and from phone booths. Then you are kind of a stalker. But it would explain the Gloria Estefan cds.
Good luck. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:25:56 PM | If a girl asks me this early on in our "relationship" - before we're really established as a couple, I view this as an invitation to toy with her. Because you can easily sink yourself by saying "Yes i really like you," or giving a less flattering answer. So my response is going to be sarcastic and funny and not even remotely informative.
The exception would be if I thought she were perhaps extremely sheltered, and fragile due to a rough past...in that situation I wouldn't be so callous. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:36:29 PM | Just ask, saves alot of hassle and mind games.
"For instance you ask a woman how she is doing, if she says fine, she usually means the opposite, its like fine is some sort of clue that means absolutely NOT fine"
Read the book men are from mars, women from venus. Illustrates the differences in the way men and women communicate, it's a good guide book but probably not 100% 
Personally i can't stand when someone expects you to understand how they feel without giving you at least a damn good clue, we aren't mind readers, it's not really that we're "insensative" but more that we just communicate and think differently. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:38:53 PM | I think of it this way.
1) Some people are unimpressed when someone asks
2) Some people could care less when someone asks
Logic would ssuggest that for best odds, just assume, yes.
Sure asking is tacky, but some people prefer to just know for sure, I guess. | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:45:31 PM | Archades; I think the Mars and Venus books should be a must read for
anyone! Hell, they should be mandatory before anyone is allowed to
get married.
But I don't recall that they offer any insight into dating or the powers of
initial attraction! | |
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| If asking kills attraction...
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:56:47 PM | | I think this is the problem women have with communication; they assume or guess someones feelings. Who cares how something looks or seems or if it's the "IN" thing to do. Direct communication is always best; not mind reading and assumptions. | |
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