| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:12:57 AM | I need some constructive advice. I am not into s & m so no brow beating.
I met this guy and we have been talking every day for sometimes up to 6 hrs a day. He is a veteran so he is retired and collecting a pension. I am self employed so I have lots of free time. Anyway we talk about everything and anything. He is older than I am use to dating which is not a problem as long as he has the engery to keep up with me. :) He is American Indian and is very faithful to his clan/ tribe/ leaders/elders. He seems like he wants to help me as I am going through some rough times now trying to sell my house in the divorce action and I am all alone trying to do all the repairs etc. But he wants to move in right away. That set off red flags. I imediatly told him about it. He said he understood and would wait but still help me. The thing is he lives 5 hrs away. So money is an issue as far as traveling back and forth. he has not car he would have to come by bus. He also has some physical problems like he has to have his knee operated on. So he said he can't have sex till that is straightened out. I said fine. No problem. The problem is he sounds posessive and wants to protect me and go after anyone who hurts me. He also made it very clear he does not like Black people. I pride myself in not having a prejudice bone in my body and frankly can't be around prejudice people because I have this hang up about ignorance. He says God is working on him with this problem. It sounds like he is still very jaded by a past experience where he was raped by a black man when he was 18. He is a Christian and so am I which is good but my views are forgivness and not grouping races together and labeling them all bad for one persons acts.
This is the first time in 2 yrs since my seperation and now divorce that any man has offered to help me. Most are lazy and don't have time, or they want to know whats in it for them. They act like work is a bad four letter word. He loves to do carpentry work wants to fix things around my house so I can sell it. Thats great but I can't get hooked up with someone who is prejudice and very posessive. I told him that last night. He is telling me we have to get married by his tribe etc. I am like hah. Wait a minute here. Do i have any say in this?
If him doing me some favors is going to get me trapped into a nightmare I don't think its worth it as desperate as I am for help. Not only help but to find someone to share my life with and love and cherish as I would want him to cherish me too.
He is coming down this week end by bus. He can drive he just does not have a car. His choice. He likes to live sparingly. I don't mind saving money but I do like nice things now and then. Like a car to drive, maybe some nice cloths, and nice furnishings.
Am I worrying about nothing here or is there deffinetly things that will only get worse down the road? | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:23:29 AM | | Just to clarify he is very high in the tribe as far as his title. he is highly respected and seems like a nice person. I am part indian of the same tribe so we kinda clicked right off the bat. He has a great deal of bitterness for white people as well for the way Indians are treated. I can't say I blame him. I am open minded and don't want to just dump him without giving it a try but something in my gut says be carefull. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:30:24 AM | | ALWAYS listen to your gut. You're talking about deciding whether you should date him and HE's talking about moving in with you and marriage? Wow. Extreme prejudice indicates some real problems. If you want to get to know him, go to church with him. Talk with him and other members of your tribe. See how he interacts with others. If you want to proceed, do so with caution and keep your eyes and ears open. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:32:58 AM | | Oh honey go to a therapist...He doesnt have a car and is a racist?? He doesnt like black or white people he needs to go live on an Indian reservation and you need to learn how to make it on your own. I bet he also drinks to help with his "knee pain" | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:51:48 AM | Oh this sounds like a wonderful opportunity for both of you to drive each other crazy with all of your various insecurities and problems. I believe you'll frequently need the services of the local SWAT team to help you with your difficulties together!
The Eagle | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:54:24 AM | | Hi Stubblesux he does not drink or do drugs. He gave that up in his youth for God. he lives his life for God now. He wants to go to church with me Sun. He makes Indian jewelry and staffs to supliment his very low income. I see a counselor every week for the past 5 yrs and maybe I have not reached the perfect level like many on pof but I dare say i will ever be perfect. I make wrong choices and sometimes lead with my heart not my head. Sometimes things can get complicated and muddied and I know I will never find a perfect man. So I have to accept somethings, but not if its big things that can't be accepted. He knows my back ground and I know his. We like almost everything the same. We have the same work ethics and have done the same kind of work all our lives. We have the same faith in God, we like the same hobbies, we both enjoy helping people. Its this prejudice thing that really bothers me and the rushing to get married. He is one of those people who says I have black friends but white people should not mate with black people. Nor should Indians. All because he was raped by one when he was 18. I was raped by a white men so should i hate all white men and date every man except a white man or hate all men? It just makes no sense. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:56:02 AM | newyork tomboy,
I would say be very careful, I was reading your post on the abusive relationships one a couple of days ago, and you spent 30 years with an abusive man.
As you know very well, abuse comes with control, of which this man is showing signs of. And you also know very well that abusive men can be very caring and controlling in the start of the relationship. Try not to get into another controlling relationship. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:58:34 AM | | Eagle as funny as you think you are and I love humor I don't think its funny at all. Insecurities??? I made myself vulnerable to strangers on a forum and you feel the need to say I am insecure. Does that make you feel better now? Let me see now. Since you judge me without knowing me can I do the same to you? You can't have a serious conversation because you don't want to be vulnerable. You have to hide behind sarcastic remarks to cover up your own hangups and believe me we all have them. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:04:01 AM | | sienna your absolutly right. That is what I thought about last night and this morning. I need to find that fine line between giving a person a chance, and at the same time not allowing myself to get caught up in another abusive relationship. I don't think it would hurt to let him come down this weekend to meet him. We can go to church and out to eat and go to a local blues club and maybe I can see how he is around my black friends. If he is rude I will not tolerate that. If he trys to control me he is done. I will make that perfectly clear. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:11:28 AM | sienna no he lives 5 hrs away and has no car. He does drive and has a license. He had a motor home and traveled around to all the powwows selling his home made Indian crafts. But his motor home died and he did not have the money to fix it so he is without a vehicle now. His income is very small so he can't afford to get a car. He is suppose to get some money soon for some type of insurace he had. I don't judge people by their lack of money, but I don't like someone coming on too strong too soon. We do have alot in common and he has a great sense of humor which is high on my list. Both my ex's were stick in the muds as far as humor. he is multi talented and very smart yet he can't seem to get past the rape thing. I know its hard to let go of anger bitterness and unforgiveness. We all want justice for people who did us wrong. But he has to let it go. I had to let alot of things go that happened to me. What good does it do to hang onto it?
We talk all day long off and on and he sends me these sweet letters and cards. Its funny because I lived with my ex for 2 yrs before we got married and he was great. But after we got married he turned into a miserable sob. He gave up drinking and it changed his whole personality. Not for the better. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:14:37 AM | You keep mentioning his faith in God but your God is forgiving and not racist. Your fella is not what you wish him to be. You are obviously a very religious woman and this man is full of hate and anger. It has been hundreds of years since the "white man" took his ancestors land and decades since his rape. Can you be happy with a man who does not forgive like your Jesus teaches you to? Not to mention he is possesive over a women he has never met and doesnt own a car.
You will never have to worry about him being unfaithful because no one will want him. YUK!! A guy that hold grudges is so sexy | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:18:39 AM | Id just be very very wary , he is talking about marriage and he has never even met you and i wouldnt even consider it as worth even mentioning at this point! If you let him come down, please be careful and if possible dont let him know where you live. Good luck at the weekend. Let us know how you get on. x
My friend a few years ago met a guy from london (he was a "yardie") well he came up to see her , she let him stay and he got obsessed very quickly, was violent from day 2 (and was very serious about her) I remember a time, she called him and he was in London, shed only known him about three weeks and she already had to be put in a safe house! Anyway she was in my car and i was driving her back to her safe house, he drove 100 miles from london and actually found us on the motorway and nearly drove us off the road. I managed to get away and i actually saved her and her daughters life that day. If he hadnt known where she lived so soon, she would of been able to sleep in her bed at night. Sometimes people can be totally lawless and crazy. Im not being paranoid. This kind of stuff does happen. take care x x | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:31:34 AM | He wants to move in right away - and he's never even MET you face to face?
This is a guy with almost no income, and here you are, a homeowner (although you say you're selling your house due to divorce). That still puts you light years ahead of him financially.
He just seems awfully anxious to move in with you but brings absolutely nothing to the table, as far as assets. It would seem he's the one with everything to gain - it wouldn't be you.
Don't ignore that gut feeling you've got. The gut never lies. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:31:59 AM | | Sienna I have shared with this man every part of my abusive past and he cried over what I went through and wants to make these men suffer for what they did to me. I told him as much as I would like that I know that will not help and its the revenge talking. Letting go of bitterness and anger is a world wide problem not just this mans. I know alot people who don't want to forgive. This man knows its wrong and he is asking God to help him to forgive and forget. Sometimes it takes a while for the forgivness to come. I know it took me a long time to forgive my abusers. Being a Christian does not make you perfect or some how imediatly do everything God wants us to do. Some things we have a hard time with and God is patient as long as we love him and can admit its wrong. I have never met a perfect Christian and never will. We are all a work in progress. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:42:01 AM | Having read the first 11 msgs, I have to say, OP - you already *know* the answer -
you just don't want to hear, believe or admit it. To answer your blunt question - bluntly, NO.
You have definite doubts about this man - too many issues....yet you have become somewhat "attached" to him and it IS hard to walk away sometimes. Loneliness is no fun. However, learning to like and enjoy being with yourself is a tremendous blessing.
This man is NOT healthy for you. HE needs heavy duty counseling. If he can't afford a car (even an older one) , has such heavy prejudices and anger - he is not going to do you ANY favors. The best favor would be for him to leave you alone to continue to heal and you will recognize this for what it is. Take a step back - give it several weeks of no communication. You own your home, (have a vehicle? and job/career? even if it is self employment) and he is wanting to move in - AND marry you...he is planning for some sort of a windfall, as minimal as it may be. This is just a guess here, but did you pay for the bus ticket for him to come see you?? And where would he stay? You *need* to stay safe. If indeed he does come, he needs to stay somewhere NOT in your home. Allow him to pitch a tent in the yard, and lock your doors at night, if nothing else. Do not get intimate with this guy, you are already too vulnerable.
In regard to talking all day long, off and on. That is called codependency. Learn about it. There are meetings all over the place (CODA = codependency anonymous). You need to investigate your inner insecurities/reasons for even considering this relationship. Fortunately, I am not a codependent, but I have had them in my life before....you will have many more issues than you think you have now. The control issues you are already seeing will just increase in time. You have never even met in person....and he is trying to control/change your thinking to his desires.
In regard to home repair, you could contact your local HUD, or habitat for humanity or some agency to find out if there is assistance for you to improve your home - on your own (meaning without strings attached). What about your church family? Put out a HUGE plea and prayers for help. There should be a few men and women in your church willing to lend a helping hand.
Best wishes and after continued therapy, keep fishing 
Mainebrighteyes4u | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:04:42 AM | | why are you asking us dear?you and i know the lord has set your path.it might be you the lord has chosen to show him the error of his prejudice ways.god bless. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:10:16 AM | | Maine I have to agree with you on this and not let him do a number on me. I just got off the phone with him and he was beligerant about me not wanting to date someone who is prejudice. he said he is not prejudice he has lots of Black friends. Oh brother if I had a dollar for everytime i heard that one. I tried to explain to him that if he things blacks and whites should not mix he is prejudice. He said they were slaves in every country there for they are lower than the rest of us. I was like oh boy you need serious help. I didn't say it but after him yelling and carrying on saying I was judging him and harping on him I said I had enough and hung up on him and told him to have a nice life. Earlier I asked him why he was so prejudice and he said he did not know. He was silent and could not give me an answer. Its funny when you ask that question to most prejudice people they can't answer you. Its called generationaly brain washing. My parents and grandparents were prejudice so there for I am too but I have no clue why. How logical is that? | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:14:58 AM | If everything you say is true, I would not date him. I don't like all the drama he lives by, and it sounds like he's emotionally unavailable, anyway, so why bother?
I seem to read in between your words that you are desperately seeking someone to sort of save you from your life right now. Maybe you should take more time, get your own head/finances/whatever in order before taking on someone else's baggage as well. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:15:24 AM | | passion he said that the Lord put us together many times. I thought that was nice until I seen a side of him that does not set well with me. He is extremely defensive and has alot of bottled up anger over alot of things. When he made the statement that Blacks come from buffalo I nearly fell off my chair. I had to ask why. He said because of their curly hair. Oh my God is all I can say. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:28:09 AM | Cassa I have been doing that for a long long time. I am getting older now and its hard to do this all by myself. I believe men and women get together not only for companionship and sex but to help each other be help mates. In what ever way they can. I can do alot of the repairs but time is not on my side and money is also an issue. My ex stop paying half the morg so I am stuck with that too. I am in a very difficult situation and have been dating for 2 yrs not having one man offer to help me. This man comes along and offers to help me because he can do all the work that needs to be done and is not lazy. I found most men on this site extremely lazy and out for one thing. Could care less about my situation. If I met a guy and we hit it off and he needed my help I would gladly help him. What is wrong with helping your fellow man? Anyway I want a soul mate, a lover, friend, companion, helper. Its like the fish pond is full of duds. Either they are not over ex's, too inmature to have an adult relationship, selfish, workaholics, or lazy, afraid of love, commitment, long term, have tons of baggage, can't let go of the past, want to date several women at a time, only want sex, etc.
If men are that unreliable what on earth can I do? Not saying all men just the ones I have met or dated. yes its all my fault I am a loser magnet lol. Sorry i don't fall for that one. I just think out of all the men there are about 25 percent that are decent great guys and the other 75 percent are creeps. Oh yes the men will get all bent out of shape with that statement. To find that 25 percent you have to compete with all the other women after that 25 percent. | |
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| To many issues not sure if I should date him
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:37:30 AM |
Eagle as funny as you think you are and I love humor I don't think its funny at all. Insecurities??? I made myself vulnerable to strangers on a forum and you feel the need to say I am insecure. Does that make you feel better now? Let me see now. Since you judge me without knowing me can I do the same to you? You can't have a serious conversation because you don't want to be vulnerable. You have to hide behind sarcastic remarks to cover up your own hangups and believe me we all have them.
I'm a widower, and I know how to do a relationship with a woman. I don't need to ask strangers how to run my life nor do I desire any advice. If I do want advice, I'll talk with my close friends who have my best interests at heart. Do you have any friends?
My opinion is you're are a very troubled woman, since you are even considering a relationship with this man. A normal well adjusted person would reject hooking up with this individual without a second thought. Also he/she wouldn't have any trouble seeing the numerous and insurmountable difficulties that it presents.
I see you as a very troubled, lonely, and insecure woman who is desperate for any relationship that presents itself. I know one thing I'd bet on is if you get involved with this person, your life will become much worse not better.
Finally, it isn't a very wise decision to open yourself up to the criticism or advice of a public forum. About all this will do is create more confusion and insecurity for you. What you need to do is find someone you can trust to confide in and discuss your troubles. A minister, a counselor, or a support group.
The Eagle | |
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