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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:38:53 AM | About 4 months ago I met someone on this site. Some of you might laugh at this but right off from that first meeting I knew she was that special person I’d been looking for. We got on so well together & I feel deep in love with her in no time at all.
She never said she loved me, but came close. Her feelings were tangled up in the recent end of her 20 year marriage, the ex being.. let’s say awkward.. about the divorce, trying to handle the divorce herself, trying to cope with a very demanding job which sometimes meant 12 hours a day work, then running around after her 3 children who had many & diverse interests necessitating them being taxied around a lot in her free time.
We shared some marvellous times together, she took me home & introduced me to her kids, which I felt meant a lot, & I got on well with them. She told me jut a few weeks ago she wasn’t looking for anyone else, didn’t want anyone else. But she always had trouble getting time to see me, what with everything going on in her life. She did encourage me to tell her how I felt, & I didn’t leave her in any doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Did I give too much away?
She was always feeling under pressure, from all parts of her life, then, she said, from me asking to see her. Also, during our relationship she continued to be (& still is) very active on several dating sites. This made me feel very insecure & as a result maybe I put more pressure on her to get reassurances. She said she was talking to people she had “met” before she knew me.. but though some of them may have been, I doubt all.
She is a very very attractive lady & must get 100’s of messages.
Not long ago, & only a few days after we had spent some magic time together, she told me it was over, that there was too much pressure & that she couldn’t handle a relationship, though she is still on the dating sites looking for a long term relationship.
So.. my first thoughts.. & maybe yours - she has found someone else? Why else did things change so quick? I have told her I will take a back seat, wait until things settle a bit for her, but she doesn’t want me too. I do know that despite priding herself on her honesty, she has told me a few lies.. small ones, more untruths I guess.. but they were there.
I am devastated by losing her – I am no good to anyone right now – there is nothing in the world for me without her. She was the most special woman I ever met – I know I will never meet anyone like her again, never feel like that again because, despite 2 marriages, 7 & 20 years, & several other serious relationships, I have never felt this way about anyone, ever. And I never have felt the way I do now either. And I know what you are thinking now, but believe me, this is true. I do know…
Can I get her back do you think? Should I even try? What should I do? Wait, keep quiet, contact her, move on, become a monk? Wait 6 months, a year? Do fairy tales come true or is that just in the movies? Help please… this hurts so much.. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:04:23 AM | "I have told her I will take a back seat"
With all respects to how you're feeling buddy, it looks like one of those situations where you are chasing the fantasy. Granted you might never have felt this way before, but surely persuing this woman isn't gonna be good for you. Can't stop you doing it tho'... each to their own.#
"I know I will never meet anyone like her again"
Course you will mate, have some faith in yourself, and women from all over the world.
Don't let this experience eat you! | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:04:56 AM | | maybe she just didn't feel the same way man. if she means that much to you then i would try to get her back, but don't do it out of desperation, you'll have to be smart about it. i dont think you have known her long enough just sit back and wait for her to realise she's made a mistake. so by all means try to win her back but only if you think that it's best for both of you, not just yourself. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:41:21 AM | | I think your timing sucks. She JUST ended a 20 marriage, she has a lot on her plate. I don't think anyone in her situation wants to jump right in to another relationship. You came off as way too clingy and all she wants right now is someone to bang her head into the headboard once in awhile. | |
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Posted: 5/28/2008 8:52:31 AM | 2 things plumb5150.. she is on the dating sites as looking for a long term relationship (definitely NOT dating or anything else), & she encouraged me to tell her how i felt.. & was happy with that...
would welcome a ladies viewpoint on how she might be thinking.. some of you might have been there? | |
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Posted: 5/28/2008 8:59:34 AM | ^^^^^^ Not the most classy way of saying it, but probably true lol 
OP, The two of you are on different pages here. You are at a different level in the relationship than she is. Yes, she's extremely busy, recovering from a divorce, raising kids, and dating multiple people (not just you). I'm guessing all this stuff about taking the kids here and there all the time was partially false (along with some of the other lies you caught her in).
Just let her go. She's not enough into you to make the time for you that you deserve. She's busy and she's still keeping her options open.
Better luck with the next one.
Krys | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:14:20 AM | Good Greif!
I am going pretty much thru something almost the same. This man and I still see each other, kind of a "best friends with benefits" thing. I hate it, but am willing to be "that girl" just to be with him. We spend most waking moments we are not working together, and alot of overnights...but we both date other people, as well. I hate this, too, and I know that when he finds "a better offer" that I will have to then take that back seat myself...Until then, I covet the time I spend with this man who knows I love him, just doesn't feel the same way...Whether I end it today or in 6 months, the hurt will be the same!
I feel ya, man!
~Melissa | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:29:00 AM | Hi,
What about reading this thread??. : So you want a second chance??.It is in broken hearts. It has helped me a lot.
Just tell me if you find it interesting.Wish you all the best.
regards from Argentina
mariacba | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:38:05 AM | Just a quick bit of advice.
I had a wonderful relationship with the girl of my dreams, we were perfect for each other in every way, it lasted a couple of years and we had amazing times, when we split up (no-ones fault we just grew apart) I must admit I tried to get her back, but I can assure you if she has moved on in her mind then trying to get her back will just cost you self esteem and reduce your desirability in her eyes.
I still miss the girl in question, but I have moved on, you will get over it in time. But yes it sucks. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:52:14 AM | | oh man,i'm just shaking my head reading your post,I'm pretty sure you broke every rule in the book on dating and even created a few new ones to smash with your boot.you should never chase a woman dude,that is so lame,your 57,you should know better.you should be a lot more jaded,you need to be.then you wouldn't fall so fast.A woman with 3 kids huh?,hmmm,that might be the odd phone call at best. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:53:03 AM | As far as fairy tales go, I doubt there are many women who have found themselves lying dead in a glass coffin when a gorgeous hunk of a prince galloped up on a white horse and opened the coffin to plant a sweet kiss on their lips, instantly bringing them back to life and pulling them onto the back of the horse, to ride away into the happily ever after . . .
Miracles do happen, Rainbow . . . but I'm afraid that hard as it is to accept, this woman has decided that you are not the one for her.
Anyone who stays active on a dating site, indicating on their profile that they are "looking" for anything, even after they have initiated an intimate relationship with another, is sending a clear message that you are just one in a crowd. She indicated in a number of other ways that you're a pretty low priority for her, and then she told you it was over and asked that you not stay waiting in the wings. It really couldn't be much clearer.
Can you "get her back"? I don't thing she was ever yours in the first place . . . it is very painful for you, as your heart was very invested in this relationship, but you need to take her at her words and actions rather than through the overlay of your own rosy filter of what you felt and what you wanted the relationship to be.
It sounds like she has a lot to deal with in her life right now - healing from the demise of a 20-year marriage is a profound journey, and the responsibilities of 3 children and a demanding job are mostly where she is putting her energy. She knows where to find you if she should have a miraculous change of heart . . . | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:01:54 AM |
2 things plumb5150.. she is on the dating sites as looking for a long term relationship (definitely NOT dating or anything else), & she encouraged me to tell her how i felt.. & was happy with that...
Just cause she is on the dating site looking for a long term relationship doesn't mean she is ready for someone to sweep her up right away. Her head is still clouded and because she is so use to being with someone she is lonely. Meeting someone and dating is great but if she is pushed in to a relationship she will feel trapped. One thing is when people just get out of a relationship they miss it and gewt lonely, but they need time to feel their freedom again and clear their head before they move on. I would say be there as her friend and if more happens then let it happen gradually. Hide your true feelings for now and just be a friend. If she doesn't want that then move on, there are plenty of great women out there. | |
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Posted: 5/28/2008 10:17:47 AM | 2 things plumb5150.. she is on the dating sites as looking for a long term relationship (definitely NOT dating or anything else), & she encouraged me to tell her how i felt.. & was happy with that...
Brother I am not putting you down for that. I feel bad for you and it is bad timing.
That being said, this may come as a shock to you but a lot of woman [and men] put in their profile they want long term when all they really want is the sex and not the relationship. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:22:26 AM | All you can do is tell her how you feel. If she wants you, she will come back. If she doesnt, you have to figure out a way to move on without her.
It really sucks when you fall for someone who may not fall for you... | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:38:00 AM | one of the things she said when she told me it was ended was that she wished she had met me when all this (divorce stuff) was over..
might that indicate there is a little hope, because right now i am finding it real hard to go on without just a little hope, something to hold on to for a while | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:48:33 AM | Rainbow555:
Right now, it appears to me, she holds all the control. You handed it over, so game over for you until you decide to take it back. Without personal power, one cannot make changes. The helpless victim cannot see a way out.
My suggestion is to move on and not long for her. Instead, thank her for being in your world even for that short 4 months, you must have learned something about yourself and your own life.
I am devastated by losing her – I am no good to anyone right now – there is nothing in the world for me without her. She was the most special woman I ever met – I know I will never meet anyone like her again, never feel like that again because, despite 2 marriages, 7 & 20 years, & several other serious relationships, I have never felt this way about anyone, ever. And I never have felt the way I do now either.
Love comes when we least expect it, when we are not looking for it. Hunting for loves never brings the right partner. Instead, it only creates longing and unhappiness.
Set your boundaries and standards. What kind of love do you want to attract? ( Like attracts like )
Good luck! | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:52:13 AM | Sounds like timing is bad dude. But that doesn't mean wait around for the timing to be good though. Sounds like she did have feelings for you but it just won't be because she's not in a place to develop a relationship with you.
Sorry :(
Good luck dude | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:05:41 AM | Send her a letter making sure she knows EXACTLY how u feel and leave nothing out, including the part about never feeling this way.
Then do NOTHING else. Cut all contact and this means ALL contact. Give it 2 weeks. 14 solid days, if no reply, u have your answer, start healing and begin dating again.
If you can remain strong during those 2 weeks, this will work. I guarantee it.
Let us know what happens.
Good Luck
Been there !
PS I did not read any replies yet | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:14:29 AM |
one of the things she said when she told me it was ended was that she wished she had met me when all this (divorce stuff) was over..
might that indicate there is a little hope, because right now i am finding it real hard to go on without just a little hope, something to hold on to for a while
It might give you a little hope, but I really don't think you should hold your breath. I think you're just postponing the inevitable. You need to accept her decision, deal with it, and move on with your life. As someone pointed out, you are 57 years old and while I'm glad there's still some romance left in you, you should have received your share of broken relationships by now and had some experience with dealing with that and other losses in your life. You KNOW that life WILL go on w/o her, just as it did before you met her.
Krys | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:15:08 AM | | Why would you want her back? She lead you on asking you to tell her how you felt about her. What ever did she have to say? Sounds like someone is on a ego building trip at your expense. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:41:15 AM | | The timing may be a little off for the both of you right now. As beautiful as your relationship felt, it could have been just too overwhelming for her. Don't think you aren't on her mind, as much as you are feeling vulnerable and insecure. If she is going on other sites, I would only imagine that she is confused and isn't looking for anything too sudden. I can go by my past experience with someone, and then maybe you can use this advice as you choose. I was married for 14 years, and felt their was something missing in the emotional and physical department. However, I met someone immediately after separating -- and we had something very magical, as if it was too good to be true! He said al lthe right things, and made me feel like a women in every way. Out of the blue, I made a decision to keep my distance from him and cut my ties. Ended up on dating sites, and never really felt a spark with anyone. I would subcontiously compare everyone to him, without even realizing that I may have made a huge mistake by giving up something that felt so right. The point of my story is to let you know....she is not in a good set of mind right now. Very importantly to know....if you leave her alone, though be cordial and nice like a friend would be -- even let her know you are dating. I bet you she will respect you in giving her that time to sort out her thoughts - and that "magical" relationship will be there at the right time. You would rather know that she loves you for all the right reasons, and not just a "rebound" type of thing. With saying that....be yourself, but don't "loose yourself". It will happen with this lady if it is meant to be. Stay strong, and don't do anything right now. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:47:49 AM |
might that indicate there is a little hope
No. You are a rebound, and she is just looking for something to fill the void of the lost marriage right now. It doesn't matter if she has found someone else or not. If she was serious about you (and she has flat out told you that she is NOT), she wouldn't be active on any dating sites at all.
You are going to end up getting hurt much more than you are now if you try to pursue this. It's hard when you fall for someone - I was still head over heels in love with my last LTR after two years. But there is a point where you HAVE to walk away from a situation. Your time is now. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:52:14 AM | | give her air, let her breathe...... perhaps at the periphery of her life you can still be friends, offer a helping hand in a situation you perceive might be adding to her stress and overwhelming fears.... be open to the possibility that yes, she is just emotionally on overload after all this.... perhaps she didn't have the time she needed to grieve for the death of her marriage.... for this was a death, and some people just don't go thru the grief process carefully..... if the two of you are meant to be, it will be.... with time, patience and care this relationship can blossom again...just don't let her yank you around, if she isn't doing the footwork to get herself back on track, you will have to open your eyes, make tough decisions, for you don't want to sacrifice yourself and your needs on her altar | |
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Posted: 5/28/2008 11:52:39 AM | | I think most every man and woman has had the heart breaking experiences your feeling right now. It does hurt alot.I know when ive gone through it,... my mind became like a kaliedascope of ideas on how to get her back,how to change her mind,how i could get her to agree to give me the smallest crumb.How i could somehow remain in her life. The truth is if she wants you she will surely let you know it. We all say that the one we lost is special,unique,and that we will never find another like her or him. remember though that you only had the entry level fairytale experiences with her.There was no relationship with all of the pressure,problems,and crap that comes with a realtime reallife relationships so you have placed her upon a pedestal and to you shes a Goddess.Trust me on this one,...shes human and not a goddess. Shes going through a divorce for a reason. Realize my friend that when any of us try and reach out for true love we often do get hurt and broken hearts on the journey to find true love. This is the risk we take.I understand your pain. I am sure most everyone on this site understands how you feel. Pull yourself up. Put one foot in front of the other,cry if you feel it but get up and dust yourself off and start again.Theres a whole world full of women out there.Its time to let go of this one and move forward. | |
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| can i get her back?
Posted: 5/28/2008 12:48:18 PM | Rainbow.....what I wouldn't give to find a loving, caring individual such as you. However....it is always a two-way street. The chemistry must flow both ways. I can definitely relate to the lady in question. With three children, a demanding job etc...it is a wonder she can find time to go out at all. But she still is longing for someone who would adore her and just her.
Sometimes after the kids are all settled for the night, she is no doubt experiencing that gut wrenching feeling of lonliness....the tears flow. Most mothers put their children first, and the unknown strength from which they draw is amazing. Even when considering a new love interest....those children are front and centre.
Not knowing the reason for her marriage break-up (there is usually more than one reason) in this venue, one can only guess. If the lady was cheated on and kicked to the curb....could you be just a notch on her belt, as it were? Just to show herself that she is desirable. If the ex gets to know, that is good too! (no folks...that wasn't my experience)
What ever her reason for breaking off with you, it is clear, at this time, she is not ready for a relationship. No matter what her profile says! There is always the chance that once she "finds herself" and is secure in her "new person" and new roles in life, she might appreciate someone like you. But I wouldn't hold my breath, in hopes you are that person. Sorry, but the way I see it, you are lucky she "broke-up" with you.
Consider this another learning experience and move on. It will hurt for a while but it is surprising how fast you will mend. Out there, there is that special person who will love you for who you are and will appreciate all those good qualities you possess.
Best Wishes to you,
Brydee | |
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