| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 1:43:59 PM | So, this might be long. I am married, have been since July '04. In July '07 we seperated. We had alot of issues, and other issues on top of issues like living with my parents. So he left & went back to Minnesota, USA. I am in Ontario Canada. He immigrated here and everything. Months past, we didn't talk. Then we did online for a few months, then he ignored me again for months and months. Fast forward, he got back in touch, and I got weak. I feel strong and stuff when he ignores me/isn't around until he comes around and I can't seem to tell him to take a hike. I was on this site trying to date, and being with someone else never felt "right" I mean I liked someone, but I never wanted to be with anyone in a way more then a friendly way I suppose. I don't like kissing, that felt just wrong and had no urge to kiss another man. Well, he came to visit me, it was 2 days *he left yesterday* and we had a really amazing time. I told him about the dates, how it felt wrong, and that it's the distance/loneliness I want something real not far away/online or on/off or whatever. I want things to work out, such as him moving here possibily into his own apartment, not living WITH me right away, just in the city so we can work on our marriage and things maybe get counselling and stuff... but he's a dependant 25 year old. He lives with his parents, and he probably only lived here when he did because he was living with my parents. He was bad at keeping jobs, barely helped out my parents for rent/groceries etc. part of the issues we had......he isn't responsible and when stuff gets "stressful" he takes off/runs away. No way to live. He also had a few anger issues, and lied a lot. But he has been better, I don't know if it's distance I would hope things wouldn't go back to the way they were before, but if we don't "live together" right away that might help. But he is scared or doesn't really want to or whatever move here because of the fact of finding a place, job etc. and I'll admit I am a bit scared too, sometimes it seems like some hopeless pipe dream that wouldn't ever happen, unless he got serious and put his mind to it and I helped him. My mind is all in the logical, that I should probably let go/move on etc. etc. but my heart doesn't let me. I feel so bonded and so comfortable with this man I don't think I would ever feel the way I feel about him ever again with anyone else. Like so natural, and so right. I feel so torn between my mind vs. my heart I thought seeing him he'd be an A$$ to me and it would get easier, but he wasn't and it got harder. I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there because it feels like what I want I will never have and it's awful. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 1:57:58 PM | First of all you are also part of the problem; your decisions are strange.
You are 22, in a terrible relationship, have a child, 9 cats, chinchilla, ferret, bird, 20 gallon tank of fish. Good Lord; you need to grow up. You can't take care of yourselves and your quirkiness may be cute at 15, but not for a married woman.
You keep saying what a victim you are but then you act like its some magical thing that you can't imagine being involved in; you talk as if you guys are casually dating and you are thinking of being committed to each other.
You need to talk to him and get a plan. If you cannot take care of yourselves; I mean can you take care of yourself? are you working, is he working.
Your decision making skills are really poor. You need counseling and a reality check. If you guys dont have a financial plan, or a plan to be together then you are fooling yourselves. You need to also get your life together if you break up because you need to mature. You are not ready to be in something like this. Talk to a pastor or another person or someone and get some help. You guys are extremely dysfunctional right now and without a plan and some goals, nothing will change. He's not totally the problem; You need to grow up and take care of business and not be so strange. 9 cats? in most places in the U.S. that is considered extremely strange and illegal. You need to seek some help and get some counseling before you drive your poor family insane. good luck. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:01:31 PM |
I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there because it feels like what I want I will never have and it's awful
You CAN have it, when you both are old enough to be responsible for yourselves and not living with anyone's parents. I am assuming both of you lived with your parents in Canada. If you both lived with them, then it was up to you to help out, as well. Why must he move to Canada and get an apt, if you're unemployed still living with mommy and daddy? But aside from that, you mention his irresponsibility, anger issues, sketchy employment history, avoidance issues, lying, etc... Sounds like you married entirely too young and really, neither one of you has grown up yet, despite having kids of your own.
Get your head out of the clouds, get a divorce, move on, and grow up. You must be a responsible adult before you can look for one as a mate.
I was on this site trying to date, and being with someone else never felt "right" I mean I liked someone, but I never wanted to be with anyone in a way more then a friendly way I suppose.
I'll give you credit for listing seperated on your profile, but you're really not going to find a quality guy on here (or anywhere else) while you're seperated "looking for friends". They are not going to take dating you seriously. Get your failed marriage behind you before dragging others into it.
Good Luck,
Krys | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:06:58 PM | OP, you married at 18 , you're only 22 now, he's only 25, you've singly and together always lived with your parents despite four years of marriage and a child. I have to agree with the above poster, your decision making skills are really poor, and counseling is called for.
Not to be harsh, but you are a parent, not a child anymore, it's just plain time for you to grow up and accept responsibility for your life and your child.
Until you do... no, to answer your OP, things can NOT really work out. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:08:39 PM | ((((So, this might be long. I am married....... and it's awful. ))))
Therapy or marriage counselling would really help. Having more kids won't. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:15:44 PM | I can honestly say I can relate to you in more ways than one.
I understand it's a confusing, difficult situation!
Bottom line is it takes two to make a marriage work. By the sounds of things, you're heart is more invested into the relationship, and if your husband wont meet you at least half way, then honestly he isn't worthy of your love, nor your time, and divorce may end up being what you need to do, though I'm not telling you it is exactly what you need to, that's up to you, as you know your relationship better than any of us.
Counseling is definitely a must, both individual and joint, that is if you both want to work it out and stay married.
Forget the criticism about your pets and living with parents. There are cultures where families live together and everyone helps each other and they're happy. Now, if there's no room at your parents and it would be better for you and your husband to live on your own, then you should do that. Otherwise, living arrangements are best left to what works and makes everyone involved comfortable. Just because the egocentric way of life is prevalent, especially here in the western world, it doesn't mean it's the only right way to live.
Good luck to you, hope things change, for the better! | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:21:01 PM |
My mind is all in the logical, that I should probably let go/move on etc. etc. but my heart doesn't let me. I feel so bonded and so comfortable with this man I don't think I would ever feel the way I feel about him ever again with anyone else. Like so natural, and so right. I feel so torn between my mind vs. my heart I thought seeing him he'd be an A$$ to me and it would get easier, but he wasn't and it got harder. I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there because it feels like what I want I will never have and it's awful.
Shug you seem to be saying that you are a victim of your own, you can't help who you love syndrom... I see that A LOT on these threads.
It seems to me that you need to get serious about your life and get counseling... You have a good paying job, if not get into school as well.
Instead of thinking how comfy cozy your feel with someone that is by your own description an immature world class loser... What kind of life and example do you think you are leaving for your child????
I know, the kid, they don't know what is going on... WRONG....
You're married, so of course you don't feel it a good idea to be out playing footsy with someone else, not only that, but you are in love with the guy too..
The LOGICAL question you may want to start asking yourself is how long do you want to keep living off of your parents? How long do you want to have a husband that is immature, selfish, manipulative (works great for him to run off everytime things gets tough) then come around when he's all lonely...
Does he tell you about all the babes he may be banging? Do you want to catch some scrung that can't be cured? Do you want to risk sinking your life further and have another pregnancy?
You my dear have all the power to right your life.. You are NOT a prisoner of your feelings for this guy, you are allowing yourself to be...
Get yourself some serious counseling to find out WHY you have such low expectations out of your partner, and how to get enough esteem so that you will make better choices...
Darlin it all falls on your shoulders, and it really is time to woman up, and take charge of your life, and not just for you, but for your child AND your parents... They did their parental duty, it is your turn now...
Good luck... | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:58:18 PM | | Nexthyme, awesome response. I also list myself as separated, and clearly define why in my profile. After months of counseling and understanding who I am and what my needs are I realized what I was doing is what you are doing. Its called enabling and you need to do some research. Bottom line is decide what you want, communicate what you want, and if hubby won't do his part, you can't make him. Do all you can do, and if thats not enough for him, take a walk. Enablers have absolutely no self respect, and right now, girl, you need some. Your life, your choice! | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:47:08 PM | This is out of the world story...
ok, i should be giving constructive advice, but will she listen?
here you go angel eyes: You need some common sense. At this stage i dont think you have good parents and good friends. Get some common sense from your teachers, boss, church leader just someone doesn't know you well. Becuase they are the only people who can give advice from 3rd person's perspective.
Since you live close to me, you can even msg me, we live close enough, i can tell you can do in your life to get back on track.
And for this guy you can't stop thinking of; he isn't good father, not a good husband not even a good tenant. If you dont want to be myserable for rest of your life, and for the happiness of your child, you should cut all the contact with him.
update:
Here is some good advice: 1st) You parents can't take care of you and your kid forever, eventually you need to be independent and stand on your own feet. guess what, the time is NOW! You have confusion because you have no goals, you are drifting in your life with no direction. The good news is your adult life jsut started, so you can still steer your life in the right direction. Set goal for your life, goal that will make you happy and feel content, then work on your goals.
2nd) dont forget the first advice! | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:02:37 PM | | Just think about it..He went months without calling on more than one occasion..Which means He was living a life for months without you. Than he calls out of the blue and everything is just fine long enough for him to see you than run back home to his parents.. This isn't something you work on it's a learning lesson both of you got married before you were ready and I'm not taking sides in this but what I will say is if you both don't put forth a full effort to make this work than you might as well let it go before a child comes out of this mess and believe me if he's not there for you now he WON'T be there for you then!!! | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:02:32 PM | Hey, I believe in loving someone strongly, and having the feelings for him/her that are out of this world. In a perfect world he reolises what a mistake it was to've let you go, and comes back to you and everything is great.
The choice is needed, he's scaring you badly my dear... you'll have to do what you feel is right, but is he the ideal role model for you child? Do you want junior to grow up and see what daddy is like. I don't think you fully respect him, much like he doesn't respect you. It's tough to read it, and I know things won't feel the same if ever you meet someone new, it never will be.
You posted to me when I had my issues and I read everyone of those replies, you can take this how you like, but i'm telling you... he's not worth your time of day...
You spent a long time together so it's understandable you have linguring feelings, but you need to trust me on this one... i'm not some guy trying to get in your pants, or some creepy stalker.... the fact here is you both need to take a time out to see the situation for what it is, it's a failed attempt their are way better guys in life that are just waiting for you, you just need to say look it's done.... it's over, cry about it for a little while, be depressed, but he really needs to go out with the trash
I'm sure he's a nice guy, somewhere inside him... but if he's running away and dodging reality because it's too tough.. that's no life to be had with him
Shug, look in the mirror and see the truth, it needs to be left behind, you shouldn't be taking him back, move on with your life.
a couple of side notes
- if he was your *first time* i understand and you'll never forget him for a long time if ever
- as soon as he finds out you've moved on, he'll try to get you back because he knows he has power over you...
- if you want to wait for him... well the only person who's getting hurt is you... remember that ... where are you in all of this
Sincerly Jon
messege me if you need any help | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:16:48 PM | Hi Angel
re:that I should probably let go/move on etc. etc. but my heart doesn't let me. I feel so bonded and so comfortable with this man I don't think I would ever feel the way I feel about him ever again with anyone else. Like so natural, and so right. I feel so torn between my mind vs. my heart I thought seeing him he'd be an A$$ to me and it would get easier, but he wasn't and it got harder. I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there because it feels like what I want I will never have and it's awful.
Okay, this is common and normal, its okay. Its grief and yes, it sucks. it'll play on many things, especially anything symbolic of times together. It may be a cliche, but its true, Time. And you're doing the right thing as far as not running into anything else. What I would say though, is becareful, don't fall into pining and hoping beyond reason and only hurting yourself and prolonging the greif and pain. Then to find out during all that time what you've missed out on or robbed yourself of.
Sure we all expereince and express things differently, but what is the same is the hurtin we can put on ourselves and building it up with expectations. And, sometimes, the only way out is through.
You're the one who has to decide what you will do and when. I know that may seem too much at times, and until everythings clear and you take a path, lean on those you can trust, be true to yourself, and most of all, respect and strengthen yourself. I wish you the best and hope it all works itself out, but again, take care of you. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:46:54 PM | | Well......i've came to the conclusion where I am going to see it for what it is, a chance in hell. As much as I do wish it could be, I don't think he feels the same and it takes two.... I am just going to take time to heal, and take care of myself. I don't need a partner, I will just enjoy being alone for the time being. I just thought I was over him, until I tried the "dating" thing and it never felt right, I thought I was over him because I was totally fine without him here or around and not talking to him, but my heart wouldn't really let me like anyone else it was holding me back, then seeing him reminded me of old feelings......so I will work on getting over those and I have no idea how long it'll take, or when I will actually want to move on............ but I guess time is all I have. I just wish I had friends or something, for times of loneliness.....but most guys I meet don't want to be "just friends". And it isn't like there is a site like this to meet some female friends, lol. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:53:38 PM | You really need to get off the singles sites and GET A DIVORCE before trying the "dating thing" .
but most guys I meet don't want to be "just friends".
Of course not. You're on a dating site. Men here want to date. If you want friends, go get an account on Friendster. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 5/31/2008 12:51:12 PM | You should consider going to a non-denominational church, if not for the both of you, just for yourself so you can help sort through this difficult time.
It sounds like you and your husband need a change of heart, not a change in location, nor change in spouse. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:24:18 PM | is jerry springer still exist?
i bet they look for weirdo from places like this forum. | |
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| Can things really work out?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:53:44 PM | hi angeleyes:
not sure if you're still reading this thread but i think u do have angel eyes for putting up with this kind of guy....but why???
i don't understand why you're attracted to someone who can't hold a job & barely helped out your own parents with the rent & groceries like you said. a true respectful guy would get off his behind & work hard and not load off your parents...to be direct...he sounds like a classic "loser" type that loads off people and blames everyone else for his inconsistencies....
honestly, i think you should raise your standards up higher... | |
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