| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:14:42 PM | I met him 18 years ago. A year later we started dating and it lasted 4 years. Then we went our separate ways but 2 years later our paths did cross once again. I was single but he was dating. At the time he gave me his email address so we could stay in touch. We emailed each other regularly and got together a couple of times a year for lunch. In 2001 he married his girlfriend. In 2004 I married someone as well. In 2006 my husband left me (health reasons and age difference) and I took it as a sign that perhaps my friend would leave his wife and we could try again. However about 2 or 3 years into his relationship with his girlfriend/wife we started sleeping together and have been ever since. It was supposed to be a no-strings-attached type of thing but it has just resurrected a bunch of feelings from the past for me and now as I am writing this I believe that he is also having second thoughts as he and his wife are always fighting and on the verge of ending their marriage. A pregnancy scare in 2004 did not stop us. I recently wrote him a love letter stating how much and for how long I have loved him but didnt hear back from him at all about it. My last email stated that I wanted him to stop calling me and seeing me unless he was single (at least separated) as it was emotionally killing me. Any advice on how to deal with my feelings...for him....and my feelings of loneliness??? I do believe that one day he will contact me and tell me that they are finished and he has come back to be with me. Any chance we will get back together, based on others you know in similar situations?  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:31:28 PM | I'm so sorry OP. I know how you feel. But the best thing for now is let go. No use waiting for him. If you are for each other, he will pursue you when he is free. It means, you have to give him a chance to get out of his marriage first. You cannot be the other woman; the available other woman, any longer!
What if when he does set himself free and he hooks up with another woman? He has been having his cake and eating it too. Let go and find someone else who deserves you. It's a waste of time and emotions to be waiting on the sideline for him to get out of his marriage. You have been doing that for years. You have given him the power to rule over your future. Let him go! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:47:05 PM | I think you hit it right on the head Enchanted when you stated
He has been having his cake and eating it too. He has the best of both worlds so why would he want things to change?
The hardest part in all this is believing you deserve better. To believe that you deserve someone for you who is yours and yours alone. To believe that you don't need to share a man to feel love. To believe that YOU ARE WORTHY!! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:28:26 PM | You could always let the girlfriend/wife know (or make things really easy for her to find out). That's how the woman my ex cheated on me with got her man. Once I knew about her, I told her she could have him.
Seriously, though. You know he's committed to someone else and seeing you. Who's to say he wouldn't do the exact same thing to you even if you end up officially "together"? The only thing that can truly heal wounded feelings is time. Take some time to get to know yourself without him in the picture. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:35:52 PM | | The only person I feel sorry for is his poor wife. I feel incredibly sorry for her. Her entire marriage has been a farce because he's been screwing around with you. Wow, what a stellar guy he is - not. He claims his marriage isn't good, to make you feel sorry for him ..... OR....it may be crappy because he's a dog who clearly doesn't know what it means to be a husband and be committed to your wife/marriage. She's the innocent party here. I hope for her sake she finds out what a worthless tool he is and she takes his a$$ to the cleaners. You think your heart is broken? Imagine what her heart is going to feel like, think about her for a moment. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:06:22 PM | I agree with wutznot2love, I feel sorry for his wife!!!!
He is a cheater, a lousy good for nothing cheater and I guess you OP are not any better, you are enabling him, encouraging him.  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:02:53 AM | In all of this OP, it seems that the only person who merits your consideration is you...
You are pretty clear that you have wanted him to end his marriage which says that it really doesn't matter much to you whether or not that's a good thing in his life or his wife's.
Where is your conscience? Your values? Your personal pride in not accepting sloppy seconds and not being the catalyst for someone else's marriage to fail?
If you want to actually "deal with your feeling for him" which are actually "your feelings for you" FEEL the pain and understand that those are the same feelings you have been trying to cause an innocent woman.
If he comes back to you, it's with the knowledge that both of you have cheated and neither one of you have given a damn for anyone but yourselves. I don't know how anyone can build a house on sand but if that's what you want, then go ahead and try it.
If he'll cheat on her with you, he'll cheat on you. And if you'll help a man cheat to serve your own interests, you will find that life will keep trying to teach you what you need to know about being grown up and not necessarily having "everything you want".
The gal in the mirror NEVER lies. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 1:05:46 AM | Hey thanks for your honesty on this post... and I only have one very interesting statistic that has helped me a lot lately.
95% of all relationships that are started out of infedility don't work out. Its just a numbers game.... statistically it wouldn't work with you two anyways. Thinking logically never failed me yet! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:32:44 AM | | I am one of the ones that doesn't exactly blame "the other woman" I mean, no woman can truly seduce or force any man to cheat on his wife, that's his doing and his alone.... but yeah, if I knew some guy was MARRIED I would tell him to take a hike......anyways, it sounds like you love him but he doesn't love you, he just had you for a fling on the side, losing you isn't a big loss because he can always just find another fling. If he has marriage problems or not, he doesn't seem to be leaving her. Or he would of BEFORE he started sleeping around with you. He would of broke up with her and just BEEN with you. It should make you more um...fustrated that you wasted your time in a man who just doesn't care at all. And if he was upset you "ended it" until he was single, he probably would of ended it and came after you.........you basically told him to make a choice, and it sounds like he did. He may only come crawling to you if his wife finds out about the affair and leaves him. I wouldn't trust him even if you two got "together" he'd probably do this to you only you'd be the blinded wife | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:48:22 AM | | I say you both "deserve" each other and hopefully someday "karma" will come back to get the both of you.You want sympathy?Come on!The only victim here is his wife.You think their crumbling marriage had nothing to do with you? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:58:07 AM |
Any chance we will get back together, based on others you know in similar situations?
Of course there is the chance. And when/if happens, he will soon begin looking around for the new woman with whom to engage in an affair. He will explain to her that his marriage/partnership is not fulfilling, and that someday, he will leave her (YOU) in order for them to be together.
And that new woman will sit and wait for him to call, believing that his marriage is on the verge of ending. She might even come on POF and start a forum to get advice on what she should so and what the outcome of her illicit affair might be.
As Ann Landers was fond of saying, "Wake up and smell the coffee." | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:00:53 AM | | I agree with (loveit64), "Sounds like the two of you deserve each other"...Hes a cheatin slob...And you, "take a look at your part"... | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:13:45 AM | Well this is sort of like the shoes I had to have and couldnt afford. I went and looked at those shoes every week. I wanted them so darn bad I couldnt sleep with want. One day I walked in and lo and behold they were on sale. I grabbed those suckers up like they were made of gold. It was a must have and now I had them after months of looking.
The first time I wore them they hurt my feet so bad I wanted to throw them in the garbage but the fact I had wanted them so bad prevented me from doing so. The third time I wore them one of the straps broke so I went and got it fixed. The niext time I wore them the heel broke and although I was getting annoyed I got the heel put back on. Finally the next time a strap broke I decided the price was just too high and it wasnt worth it. Those shoes were not meant to be mine. But I couldnt resist having what I thought I wanted.
Be careful what you wish for.......you just may get it.................
Good Luck............I think you have wasted a lot of your time on this man with WANT........... | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:14:49 AM | I look at it this way he's married & cheating, you are sleeping with a married man.
If he leaves his wife for you, don't you think its possible he'll leave you for someone else? How about you if you become dissatisfied, will you find someone else?
I needed to have enough self esteem to walk away from a cheater (my husband) and although the first few months were tough a year later life is better then its ever been...his girlfriend? she's history. Me I"m not looking back. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:22:14 AM | Who is to say if he will come back to you. The point is, that you have now closed off your heart to anyone else besides him, since you are still holding a candle for him.
it's a shame. Life is to short and you may have already given your soulmate the signal that you are taken, when you are just holding a candle.
Please cut your ties and give yourself a chance for happiness.
Good Luck...
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 16 | |
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:29:25 AM | hey OP, as long as you are willing to settle for 2nd place, just keep on doing what you are doing, he has it made, if his wife shuts him off and if they are fighting all the time you can bet he isn't getting any so he's got you for a backup. whatta deal
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:35:29 AM | Op, how do you know, for sure, you're the only
"other woman"?
You knew he'd married, yet you roll into bed with him.
I do not understand your "hope" that you two will be together, because they are fighting.
How sad that fact gives you hope and shame on you.
That her misery is your hope for the future.................
I feel bad for the wife. She's probably tried to fix the relationship without a clue that he's doing what he's doing.
And he's probably steering clear of you to try and keep down the static at home.
I never thought..........years ago that once someone cheated, that they would do it again.
This was back in the 1980's.
Op, he never stopped for one minute. I thought everything was OK.....boom 2003, it wasn't and never was.
You will never completely have him because he will be doing the same thing to you.
You both deserve each other since you're both, cheaters, liars and thieves. 
Get counseling and fix yourself.
And find a single man.
ceeceekitty
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:11:41 AM | I also feel very sorry for his wife and will not elaborate on what I think of the OP and the object of desire. It must be my mood.  I was driving to work with a friend and coworker this morning and she told me a little story about a friend of hers. She had been married for 20 years, and out of the job market for 19. The husband recently gave her an STD. It turns out that he had been cheating on her for most of the marriage and had run up $200,000 in debt. She is near retirement age and has nothing to show for it. Let me tell you that I wanted to pull the car over to the curb and kiss the ground. Best to you, OP. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:08:18 AM | I also feel very sorry for the wife. You knew what you were doing and now you cry? Hes had adequate opportunity to be with you and made choices to ensure he wasnt. You have never been his first choice and why would you be? He can have you anytime he likes.
Youve done this for years so your not going to listen to us anyway. Youve thrown away the best years of your life on someone and still that isnt enough to say on ya bike. It hurts to let things go but we have to sometimes. When he gets found out then maybe youll get him. Maybe then you get him for good. Thatll be nice for you. You can be the permenant fixture and then he needs another mistress. You are a foolish person and I find it hard to be sympathetic to your plight. Take some flipping reality pills cos your not a victim you made the mess love. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:38:13 PM | If you do get him back...can you really expect him to be faithful to YOU? After all he cheated on his wife with you, and there is generally a pattern in this.
Personally, since my heart and soul have been torn to bits by a cheating man more than once, I can only say this:
You KNEW he was married and screwed him anyway...that makes you a heartless b!tch in my book...move on and find a man of your own! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:33:30 PM | OPie, I think on the whole, you'd best get clear of this one, find you, and find yourself a life.
Thirty odd years ago, I was single and in a relationship with a guy for several years. He went to California where I was to join him. Before I got there, he met someone else. he married her, and a couple of years later, I married someone else. Almost twenty years later, both of our marriages came apart, and I ended up moving to California to be with him. It lasted less than six months. There were *reasons* it hadn't worked out the first time. Save yourself some pain, and do some healing.
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:56:40 PM | If he'll cheat on her with you, he'll cheat on you.
Never understood why people don't "get" this... he's successfully proven to the OP that the vows of marriage mean nothing to him, and even if he did leave his wife and get with the OP, if for "whatever" reason he didn't feel that was good, that he would probably cheat on her as well. Why would anyone want to do this?
If he comes back to you, it's with the knowledge that both of you have cheated and neither one of you have given a damn for anyone but yourselves. I don't know how anyone can build a house on sand but if that's what you want, then go ahead and try it.
I was thinking more like quicksand, SF, but yeah. The OP *and* the guy have both managed to place their own selfish needs above those of his wife. And even if he did leave her, OP, how long would it be before he said he was "working late" one night, and you're there wondering if he's really working late, or cheating on you with his next one? Because, unlike his wife who trusts him (presuming she doesn't already have the thought), you *already* know he is capable of it! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:40:35 PM | | Your emotions are real, but I doubt you'll get much sympathy here. For his wifes sake, I hope they divorce immediately. She will be free to find a decent man. As for the two of you; best of luck. Statistics are against you but you just never know. I hope you're wise enough to know what you're dealing with. Friends with benefits is not for the emotionally weak, based on your message I think you'd be headed for even worse heartache. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:54:27 PM |
You KNEW he was married and screwed him anyway...that makes you a heartless b!tch in my book...move on and find a man of your own!
^^^
As harsh as that sounds OP, she is right. You KNEW he was married, and maybe you were the cause of his marital problems, or at least a great contributing factor. My ex husband slept with a girl while I was in the hospital at 28 weeks pregnant and nearly died to blood poison, and that is what he did when I needed him most. And the girl he f*cked knew he was with me, yet slept with him anyways. I didnt find out about this until about 6-7 months pregnant... Talked to the girl, she was never sorry. So now the X is gone.
I have no sympathy for you, as I know what its like. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:08:33 PM | What comes around goes around. Give me a break; I dont feel sorry for you in the least; when he slept with you you had NO intention of having a no strings attached relationship; you wanted him; you were trying to break up a home; stop the denial.
You cheat with a man in a relationship; what advice do you want? You showed no remorse for his wife and family, and now your crying like a victim? He's not leaving his wife; if he was he would have done it long ago.
You are very dysfunctional and to be blunt very narcissistic. You are so obsessed with getting this guy that you dont care who you hurt and how you get him. Bad karma is all over you. This post was hard to read. | |
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