| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:03:04 PM | | I'm going to make a long story short. I have a girl who I thought was a true friend. I found out that she has slept with one of my ex's and still emails him to "hook up", not sure when the last time they were together and it's not important, but I am so p*ssed about it. That's a line I thought friends didn't cross. Am I right to be mad???? She said it would be a train wreck if she walked in a club and seen me dancing with one of her ex's but it's ok for her to hook up with one of mine?? I don't get it. To top it off I told her about him emailing me a couple of weeks ago (that was before I knew about them) letting me know that he is single again blah blah blah, she emailed him a couple days later wanting to hook up. ( He is part of the past and I wouldn't go there again, especially now) It just doesn't seem right. She has yet to tell me about what is or was going on with them, I found out by complete mistake. Am I justified in my anger? Thank you for your opinions beforehand. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:31:47 PM | | I think if your friend is involved with an ex (I'm assuming ex-bf), it's basically none of your concern, and none of your business. You have no claims on an "ex," and no right to direct how your friends conduct their lives. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:11:12 AM | OP- my comments aren't directed at YOU--just that situation in general. So please don't think that I'm being a bytch.
Scenarios like that really get me. On one hand I can see you being hurt by it. I do agree that it should be common courtesy between friends not to date ex's. BUT...see, it's an ex. So, really, what IS the issue? Unless you (speaking in general terms here) still have feelings for him then you shouldn't care who he dates. You should be happy that they make each other happy in whatever way they need. I say, live and let live. If it's that big of a deal to you, then break off your friendship with her.
Now, my sister--not a friend, my SISTER--slept with my ex-husband and carried on a FWB thing for quite some time with him. Now, I knew couple of things....
1. The realtionship wouldn't last
2. That HE was doing it to try to make me mad and get me to come back to him (pretty screwed up thinking)
3. That SHE was doing it b/c she is a slut...and I do really mean that. I considered her a slut LONG before she started banging my ex husband. Beside slut in the dictionary is a picture of her.
4. That I had no interest in ever being with him again and since he wanted to stick his****in someone that is ate up with veneral diseases, it def. sealed the deal that we would never do anything together in the future.
5. That it was all drama
I didn't much have anything to do with my sister before that and I still don't. I just chalked it up as a lesson learned about how little my sister cares about me and that my ex hubby was def. messed up in the head. Hurt? Yeah. Angry? Not so much.
And yeah...after about 5 months he got tired of her...just like I knew he would. And he also tested positive for chlamydia, hepatits, gonherrea, and scabies...just like I knew he would (oh, and he also had crabs). So, in the end, they both pretty much got what they deserved.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:41:44 AM | There are some things in the world which make us angry, even though we have no right to be angry about it.
Your Ex, is your Ex, is your EX.
He can do what ever he wants with whoever he wants and you wouldn't let him try to tell you what you can do, or who you can do it with either.
You might be angry about it, but just suck it up and live with it. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:43:35 AM |
it's basically none of your concern, and none of your business. You have no claims on an "ex," and no right to direct how your friends conduct their lives. Ditto that.
Am I justified in my anger? My guess is that it's not anger you feel, but jealousy. Either way, neither is healthy, nor worthy of your time or energy. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:49:08 AM | OP correct me if I am wrong but you are more worried about your FRIEND than your ex ?
Which is why i don't understand the comments on lectures about the ex ..
I have been in your position before , I had a long time friend who hooked up with my ex then lied to me about it . He was the one who ended up telling me . I was more hurt that she lied and didn't tell me right off than anything , it made me wonder what else she had lied to me about . It made me question the times she , TRIED to kissed my then bf (( he came off the dance floor with her and promptly told me)) an claimed oh i was drunk sorry about that . In the end I dropped her friendship the level of trust was gone , I no longer desired to be around her and wonder what moves she was making on my man. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:31:19 AM | Yes you certainly are justified in your anger. For starters your true friend didn't come out and tell you which tells me that your friend knows it's a low thing to do.
A similar thing happened to me where my so called friend dated my ex husband whilst we were separated. One weekend with him when he didn't have the kids and the next weekend with me when I didn't have the kids so I discovered.
it's basically none of your concern, and none of your business. ...It's not nice to confide in a person then have them relay everything back to the ex....That's when it becomes MY business.
You have no claims on an "ex," and no right to direct how your friends conduct their lives. .....True I guess but a true friend would not even think about being deceitful, they would have your best interests at heart. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:38:51 AM | | i'd definitely care if one of my friends was going out with an ex i was still into, but if they didn't, and really did feel that "the past is the past", then i really wouldn't care. though, they know me well enough to at least ask and clarify my position first. your friend probably didn't want it to bother your friendship, but it has. so since she can't confront you, you should confront her. i wouldn't write her off as a bad friend yet, wait to get her side of the story. but ex's aren't property, and while it is the kind thing to do, to tell you... its not in the rule book that its an absolute must. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:51:56 AM | I understand, OP. Whether or not you have a right to your feelings isn't really the issue...it's what those feelings are about. You're probably feeling chumped by your friend, that everything is upside down, and that you'll never be able to trust her. All that is likely true.
This probably leaves you wondering how to maintain a friendship under these circumstances and it will likely come down to how badly you do or don't care to, and if you'll be able to have a friendship that will be meaningful to you.
When this happened to me, I could've cared less about him. But it ripped me into knowing that my friend of 25 years would care so little for me and our friendship, and that she valued her romp with him more than she did our friendship and was willing to risk it. It doesn't really matter if how I saw things was right or wrong, I came back to the same place; I knew I could never trust her with anything of value to me.
I lost all respect for her and I no longer wanted to share my life with her because I wasn't able to compartmentalize myself into what I could and couldn't share with her. Being that we grew up together and had zero secrets from each other, I knew I couldn't turn back time and go back to that wide open kind of sharing, so I opted out altogether...but that knife is still in my back.
It is because of her, and one other incident with a friendship I formed as an adult that went south in a critical way, too, that I no longer form close relationships with women.
I dunno, I guess what we share with our friends is different than what we share with our romantic relationships, so it cuts in a different way.
I'm all for the right people hooking up and being happy, but not at the expense of people they claim to value. There are better ways to handle situations and going behind your friends back is not it because it leaves them completely out of it. That leads them to the conclusion that you just don't give a damn about how they feel. And that's because you don't.
Shoot, my father and his brother starting out dating 2 women that were casual friends, and then switched off and later married the ones they swiped from each other. But it was very different because of the way it was handled. Everyone knew they were right the wrong person and it was all agreed to openly. And none of them had been having sex, lying, or betraying anyone by sneaking around behind their backs. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:30:35 AM | I agree with Christi66 that you're not so much worried about the ex, but the deception/sneakiness of your so-called "true" friend..................
That sort of behaviour from someone you considered a true friend HURTS.
(Aren't there other men in the world...............................?)
Let her have your Leftovers....................
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:35:25 AM | | Thanks for all the feedback, I do appreciate it. No i'm not still into him he is part of the past but my deal was with my "friend" . Like you welder's girl I've also had a sister like yours, she lived with my husband while I was pregnant....so I completely understand that. After going thru that and realizing I couldn't even trust my sister I had a hard time trusting other females. The ones I did trust I considered my friends. (I have few friends but many acquaintances) She just so happened to be one of my friends. But hey life teaches us lessons daily, it's how we learn and grow from them that matters. So i'm charging this one to the game and leaving it in Karma's hands. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:24:08 AM | Ok After reading the first few replies i got bored because it appears you all missed one thing that was mentioned which in my eyes is the most important bit and that was her friend told her it would be a train wreck if she caught her dancing with one of her ex's but yet its ok for her friend to sleep with one of hers, its not a case of should we hook up with friends ex's if you ask me, thats down to personal opinion and varying scenarios like if the ex treated you bad and things like that.
What i got from the OP is that your friend would go mad if you did it but yet she's happy to do it behind your back, thats way unfair and you should just confront her because if she's willing to be like that with you then she doesnt sound like a true friend. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:29:40 AM | | He /she is an "ex" for a reason. What ever the reason, a person has to move on and get on with living life. I have always made it a rule to never look back on something like this. Go forward,you got a lot of living to do. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:32:09 PM |
What i got from the OP is that your friend would go mad if you did it but yet she's happy to do it behind your back
You saw that too huh?
That and that she went "behind your back" are the only reasons I would think anything about it.
And unless she's your Super Bestest Friend Forever In All The World I wouldn't worry too much about it anyway...
A friend of mine hooked up with and married my Crazy X... they moved to Louisiana... he's my hero! ... poor b*stard...
If it wasn't for that silly Not With a Friends X code I might have better luck on the local scene... | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:04:57 PM | The only reason that I think you should be mad is if...
1. You are still into him and you have expressed this to her.
or
2. You have reason to believe that there was something between them before your break up.
Otherwise, I don't see why you would be mad at her for dating your ex. My suggestion would be to work on your self esteem. A healthy self esteem will make situations like this much easier. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:25:32 PM | | Thank you all for the opinions I appreciate it. BTW RSwindol I really don't have a problem with my self esteem. I know i'm a good woman and a good friend, I just expect the same in return. I would never do that to a friend, but that's just me. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:35:56 PM | | And AGAIN this IS NOT about the ex It's about my "friend" . What he does is none of my business and maybe it's none of my business what she does. I've wrote the "friendship "off because when I asked her about it she lied and when she figured out that I really did know, I asked her not to insult my intelligence she then told the truth. I wish them both the best. I'm a firm believer in karma so we all reap what we sew. I'm not going to let something like that change the way I am as a friend......that's a line I still won't cross. Thanks again to you all. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:41:27 PM | Although and ex, is an ex, is an ex, is an ex.....there is an expected level of communication and respect between good friends. At minimum, she should have discussed her attraction to your ex with you. He certainly helped out by doing his part however, she's the friend in this story.
You're upset and angry with her; expected. She still hasn't told you anything. Maybe you should bring it up with her since it's bothering you so much. I'm not sure what I'd do in the same situation. Generally, I like to lay my cards out on the table and if means rocking the boat, so be it. Otherwise, things fester and really start falling apart. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:51:39 PM | | I am completely with you. The same thing happened to me. It's SO not about the ex. It's about a betrayal of friendship. You tell friends things that you think are in confidence, and then lo and behold she's with your ex telling them everything you have said about them. Write this "friend" off. She obviously is not a friend. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/30/2008 4:03:31 AM | BTW RSwindol I really don't have a problem with my self esteem. I know i'm a good woman and a good friend, I just expect the same in return.
Well, I have to take your word for it that your have a high self esteem. It's just that there are multiple aspects of your posts that indicate otherwise.
1. Looking for acceptance and approval for the decisions that you have made indicates that you are not secure with your own ideas and reactions surrounding the situation.
2. You said that you have a hard time trusting other women based on something your sister did. Finding it hard to trust people means that you have a hard time trusting your judgment of others.
3. The fact that you would get mad at your friend for dating someone who you no longer have any feelings for (so you say) is a great indication that you probably do have some feelings (either positive or negative) toward him and are not comfortable sharing it.
All of these are strong indications of a low self esteem. Knowing that you are a good woman and good friend has nothing to do with self esteem. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:18:59 AM | | RSwindol it is not about self esteem its about knowing you can trust a friend . The fact her friend lied to her , of course is going to knock the trust factor down AND why be around someone as a friend if you cant trust them. | |
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| Ok, ya'll I need some feedback; Am I in the right or wrong?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:06:05 AM | I have a right to be mad at my can opener when it doesn't cut the top of my soup lid all the way around. I don't bother though. Getting angry seems to have so few practical applications. 
Bold n Beautiful, accept your friend as the hypocrite you say she is, or stop being friends with her. I can't think of anything other than those two options that's worth pursuing, if you are interested in your own betterment. | |
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