| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:39:04 AM | Everyone hates playing games. Hate how we cant really call the first day. Hate how we must show we are interested but yet again not too interested. We all tend to play games whether we realize it or not. We all play hard to get and so fourth.
The true reason why i believe games is necessary is the simple fact that its hard to tell the truth. Not the truth as in you have a brother and a sister, and your single. But truth about your feelings and emotions. You can tell someone your really interested, that would just scare them. You cant call to much (even tough hearing their voice is nice, or you just want to have pointless conversation) because that would only make you seem desperate. Any many other things that you cant do.
Who agrees, disagrees, or even has anything to add about the situation of playing games. Is it necessary or not, and if you have a solution to the matter please share | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:50:26 AM | | I have never been into games and playing hard to get. I can't be bothered. If I'm interested in a man, I let him know. If he can't deal with my feelings, then it's his loss. If he can't express his feelings to me, then he can find someone else to play guessing games with. Why some people get scared off when someone shows interest in them is ridiculous. I don't want to have to wonder if a man likes me or loves me. I want him to show me... with calls, words, actions. To hell with the 3 day rule, don't say the "L Word" first, don't call too often, keep 'em guessing. That went out in high school. I want a grown man who knows what he feels and isn't afraid to express it. And I'll do the same. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:08:18 AM | | Thats great, but not all women(im guessin your a women since your saying man) are like that...in other words not mature, very childish and i guess thats the down fall in immature people that quote on quote say i dont play games | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:40:31 AM | Thanks for posting this very worthy angle on the 'games' game.
I agree with you, but only to some extent. Yes, its hard to tell the truth, and we are frequently (especially when in a relationship) put in a position of having to deliver bad news, yet not wanting to hurt the other person.
When do you tell a white lie? Is that ever acceptable? I've met peeps who insist that white lies are necessary in life, and others who claim they're unacceptable. Can two people of differing views on this be compatible? And how do you know which end of the continuum your date is on?
You ask for solutions. The best I can offer is for each of us to consider our own hypocracy. If I want to hear the brutal honest unvarnished truth, am I consistent in delivering it too? Or, if I want a higher degree of social etiquette from my partner, without knowing all the details, will I be accepting when the rest of the details come out? Questions we must each ask ourselves anew over each situation. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:49:09 AM | | Games are for children and teenagers. In a relationship, you should NOT have to play games with another adult. No calling games, no restaurant games, no pretending of any sort. Who participates in games? Players. PLAYers PLAY games. And that's not the type of person I want to have a relationship with. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:56:40 AM | Hey, Indehills. Can you honestly state that (since becoming an adult) you have never told a little lie? That you've never omitted a bit of the truth to avoid offending someone? Or told the officer "I didn't think I was speeding" when you knew d@rn well you were? Isn't that game playing?
Also, I object to the labeling of other people as 'players'. This word does not have an effective definition in my opinion. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:18:33 AM | | I'm glad you brought this up as I have been comtemplating the issue heavily lately. I am new to the dating scene as I been in a relationship for the past 20 years and never really dated before that. I have found that despite my not wanting to "play the game", I am being force to do so. Before everyone launchs on me, please allow me to explain. I put my little advertisement out there and got some bites. I chatted with a few ladies and asked them to call me so I could get to know them better. I work on computers all day and the last way I want to relax is to spend my night staring at another computer screen. I explained this to them. Nothing! They disappeared. Fell into a black hole. I asked my buddy who just went through a divorce a few years ago, "What gives?" He explained that there is a protocol I have to follow. Chat, chat, chat, email, email, email, then maybe some phone time. So I follow the protocol and get results. Next, I start dating and I tell everyone up front that I not looking for anything except to have fun for a while. I explain that after 20 years that I need some space and time to heal. I have been nothing but polite and honest with these ladies. It's all I know since I haven't been "in the game." Now they have become possessive and jealous. Now I am forced to have a direct conversation with them that is hurtful to them and me when I thought I had covered this issue right up front. Look, I'm not out to hurt anyone. I know how it feels. I tell them right up front that I am meeting and dating other people and I invite them to go on date and have fun. It seems that being honest about my feelings causes them to latch on quickly and causes more hurt feelings quicker. If someone has different angle, please share. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:39:37 AM | I've experienced this recently :
Was going to meet a guy, fine. Had to cancel due to family stuff. Arranged to meet again. He cancelled JUST to get back at me for cancelling, even though I HAD to. Now he's ignoring me, but pops up every few days, says hi, says he wants to (but never arranges to) meet up. So now, I can't be bothered anymore.
People play games :BECAUSE THEY CAN! | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:55:58 AM | This is my first post on this site, hope it's not going to be my last.
OP not everyone hates playing games or they wouldn't happen you'd think? Personally I can think of less stressful things to do with my time, but we can all get sucked into playing games at one time or another, and that goes for "no drama" people like me too. I agree the most common reason for games is it's hard to tell the truth in the way you describe if you're not naturally open to talking about it. And even if you are that doesn't mean they are. Honesty about feelings and emotions still doesn't mean games aren't going to be played, but it certainly helps.
I'm still pretty young and I admit naive to the true brutal nature of dating and it's complex games but the way I see it is it still takes 2 ppl to play a game, unless you're a nutjob. If you dont' like games don't play them, it's that simple....almost.
Here's my approach, I offer as Canoist said "the brutal honest unvarnished truth" in all it's brutality. Enough screwing around I figured and just be myself, both good and the bad, with no sugarcoating on anything. On first meetings I have no shame, when asked what I'm thinking about I tell them what I'm actually thinking about emotionally, as well as what my friend in my pants is thinking about, no need to hide the shallow side of me as long as i'm sincere about my intentions, that kind of brutal honesty. Now we all get nervous and do awkward things we wouldn't normally do around someone you're getting to know, but if you can't admit it when called on it then you like games, even if you say you don't. I can be tolerant of some stuff early on but if game behaviour persists then I'm not compatible and will just say it without woryying about anyone's feelings being hurt. I've yet to meet someone who can stand not having any drama for a long period of time tho, so can't say if it's a good approach or not. What I do know is I'm far too happy to handle drama so maybe I'm destined to be single..... but what fun would it be without hope that there really is someone that clicks on enough levels out there right....?
Interesting post tho, because it says what we're all thinking but never say for the most part... | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:42:57 AM | He explained that there is a protocol I have to follow. Chat, chat, chat, email, email, email, then maybe some phone time. So I follow the protocol and get results. Next, I start dating and I tell everyone up front that I not looking for anything except to have fun for a while. I explain that after 20 years that I need some space and time to heal. I have been nothing but polite and honest with these ladies. It's all I know since I haven't been "in the game." Now they have become possessive and jealous. Now I am forced to have a direct conversation with them that is hurtful to them and me when I thought I had covered this issue right up front. Look, I'm not out to hurt anyone.
YOU sir...can not possibly be that naive...re-read what you wrote.
Lets break it down a bit so that you understand whats going on ...
If you're following "protocol" to only dump these women or give them the exciting news they're one of a few? You ARE that naive.
As most women dont just meet random people from the internet...
And as women generally dont want anything to do with a guy unless they're interested and its gonna go somewhere...
You're putting in the hard work and giving them the impression you are interested then blowing them off.
Im sure alot of them consider you a "player"...when in effect you couldnt play the game if you wanted to cos...you just have absolutely nfi about anything.
I need some space and time to heal.
Then dont get involved with people at all.
Your libido or fun factor...is not other people's problem. Its yours.
Go enjoy your fun time alone until you heal BEFORE you start dating people...sheesh. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:10:57 PM | I could care less about rules or games or whatever. I act the way I feel it is appropriate and I am myself. All these rules and games are the reason we are so dysfunctional in relationships.
people should be real; and be themselves. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:23:04 PM | I don't really enjoy the "games". I also... don't know the rules. I also have absolutely zero success with women. Connection maybe?
Well, I studied up and lately I've had more success than I'd ever had in my entire life.! Granted, thats not saying much... | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:17:37 PM | well until i read these forums...
I wasnt even aware all these games existed or termonolgy used... ie red flag.. 3 day rule etc...
if it happens in my country im unaware of it.. here as far as i know people just... follow how they think/feel..
unless theyre on the net ..i suppose and are learning all this stuff.
i can only pray i meet a guy who does not own a pc...lol
yes that means face to face away from a pc.. or an aussie who is sure of himself enough . not to get sucked into .. believing it has to be done this or that way...
and just go with the flow..
loves about opening the heart...
i remember being young and it sorta happened so easy..... bit sad when people are getting taught/conditioned to actually.. not open their heart but build walls/ .. trap doors... trip wires etc around the whole connection thing...
smiles/peace | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:18:38 PM | "Honey do these jeans make me look fat" Answering that question with. "Honey, you look great" is not playing games.
There is a difference between game playing and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Your 19, you still have a lot to learn. When you get up there in years and have met a few people in your life. You'll understand that Jerks male and female play games.
Just try not to be one of them.
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:32:38 PM | I didn't play games in high school, and I certainly don't play them now. I've always been open and honest about how I feel. If I like you, I like you, and you're going to know it. If you like me back, great; if not, that's fine too, and I'm not going to play any games trying to "win" you over, nor will I break my neck trying to figure out why you didn't like me in the first place. Life is about choices; I choose not to play games. Well, okay, I must admit, I love Scrabble and chess.  | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:33:09 PM | I totally agree with ForumFilly... she summed it up quite nicely.
As for the "rules" there shouldn't be any rules. Example: The "three day rule" is the stupidest concept. Newsflash... if you are interested in someone it really is not a good idea NOT to call them the next day after a great date because by day three they are thinking you are a moron or a player. Or both.
Someone referred to the game playing being "high school" crap. Funny, I think back to my HS dating days and I don't remember any of those stupid games being played. If you liked someone you told them, you dated them, you talked on the phone, you went out... Yep life was much more simple then. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:41:42 PM | So, you send someone a msg and they read it but don't respond right away...are they playing a game or just busy ?
So, then that same person responds but with a very brief msg ... are they playing a game or just taking it slow ?
So, you send an equally brief msg...am I now playing a game or matching that person's " rhythm " ?
So, then you see that person has read your msg but doesn't respond...are they playing a game or just busy ?
So, I ask myself if I should send another note cuz maybe the first one wasn't good enough ? But , then I think I should relax and let them make the next move cuz the ball's in their court. Am I playing a game ? Or am I just trying not to frick up for the zillionth time ? | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:03:42 PM | Message 7 (tnwingman):
First of all, please promptly dismiss EVERYTHING said in reply to your post by Poster #11. Totally off the mark, though I'm sure she meant well in her own way.
I'm still in "healing" mode, and it's almost been five years now since my partner died. I'm NOT relationship-material, may never be again, and am totally honest about that with anyone I date. We shouldn't date? Please. I like all the good things about male company (from their generally superior humour and congeniality to just how nice they look and feel and smell and taste), and don't intend to deny myself that.
Continue as you are, with perhaps a slight caveat of hardening yourself a bit to the GAMES that those women you've encountered were playing (THEY were the game-players, and yes, if you're a good-natured person it's a troubling situation when you discover it, but IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM).
It took a while, and I made a few blunders, but I've now mostly figured out how to tell very early if someone is just yanking my chain about being cool with the situation. It's MUCH easier for me, of course, being a woman and having the advantage of dating the generally more sensible and honest and straightforward gender.
But I'm sure your sixth-sense with ramp up soon to weed out the game-players. Best of luck. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:09:56 PM | One can seem to play games when one isn't and that's what games attempt to do, to simulate that you have a life which makes you unavailable most times and that much more attractive. Often times I get wrapped up in my life, I have a passion for the things I do and they keep me quite busy. Suddenly I don't return calls all that often, people might think it's some kind of game. No, it's not but it turns some deep seated instinct on for people to chase me.
I don't have time for silly artificial games. Kids play games, adults are too busy for games, there are much more interesting things to do with one's time than to waste it doing silly things like "the rules of dating", etc.
Knock yourself out playing them but attraction is very fickle, it can detect BS quite easily and head for someone else, just like that. But if you're an enigma, the attraction will always remain. | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:31:47 AM | Is keeping things to yourself even playing games?...I read that the OP has reservations about revealing too much about himself too soon..
This doesn't sound like games at all to me..
I define someone playing games as having a desire to decieve with intention to hurt, or lack of concern over causing hurt...NOt someone who holds back for a while...because of indecision or even insecurity... | |
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| Why playing games is necessary, not that i approve.
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:07:35 AM | The true reason why i believe games is necessary is the simple fact that its hard to tell the truth. Not the truth as in you have a brother and a sister, and your single. But truth about your feelings and emotions. You can tell someone your really interested, that would just scare them. You cant call to much (even tough hearing their voice is nice, or you just want to have pointless conversation) because that would only make you seem desperate. Any many other things that you cant do.
You're right, to an extent. I don't really consider keeping your calls limited "playing games," though. A better example would be making a fake e-mail, IM, or profile to try to manipulate your SO into cheating with a fake person; or a woman offering to pick up the tab, but only as a test to see if the guy will allow her to pay. Juggling several people while keeping them all in the dark, etc... Being cautious with your thoughts and feelings, and being outright dishonest and manipulative are two different things. | |
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