| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:46:42 AM | Hi Guys,
I'll keep brief and to the facts, and hopefully you wise folk will be able to distill some help upon me..
I've been in love 3 times, and this time has apparently hit me a lot harder than I could of imagined.
I met my ex 8 months ago and it was a whirlwind affair..it came on so strong and we connected on every level.
To keep this story digestible..
We nearly moved in together, but due to my girls ex interfering in her life and making her feel really guilty..we backed off the idea..things in the last month were hard. It was a bad patch..now being young, and only having a few proper relationships I thought these things come and go..we had a lot on in our lifes and things got a bit stressed.
Anyway..we broke up 2 weeks ago. And at the time she indicated she wanted to hit up the single life, and sleep around and have fun.
She's a wild girl, and part of the reason we clicked so well. Now the thing is, she is adament that she's never had a lover as good as me - she was telling a mutual friend just the other night..
But at the point of break up, she said she would like to be friends with benefits.
This isn't what I want btw.
Now a day after we broke up..she contacted me and indicated she wanted sex. I hadn't got to the phone in time though.
Over the next week, she called me every day, to chat, but I was pretty distant BUT polite as it's hit me hard losing this girl.
She called me saturday morning and asked if I want ed come and watch a movie. So I did, she then told me how she still wanted to be friends with benefits and we fooled around some of the day..at one point I was kissing her and after she said "I like having my cake and eating it.." OUCH! lol
I left her place after watching a film and although she invited me out with her friends I declined. The next day she called and asked if I wanted to watch tv again and so I stupidly went around.
She indicated that a dude friend in her life was fooling around with her and it was fun..she then laid it on me that she'd slept with 2 people so far..since break up.
She's also on a bit of a self destruct. She's going out and drinking half litres of vodka at a time and going off with any random person. SHe said to me - she thinks shes going to get hurt and I agreed..she said she could get raped or aids..I agreed. She then said that the friends she's surrounded herslef with wont stop her as they are all 'yes' people..which is true..
After all this we had wild sex - we are so on the same page its always incredible..i enjoyed it, and after the entire week of getting myself into a head space where I thought I could handle this..i couldn't.
I left, to go out with friends. And the next day I'd got into a bad hole in my mind. I'd let her get everything from me she desired in exchange for nothing.
Not only that, I genuinely love her and when I was in her life as a BF I helped keep her on a good path..not the destructive one she is throwing herslef down now.
Anyway..i saw her on Monday, 3 days in a row, and she called on Tuesday lunchtime.
I have not heard from her since and it's feeling so bad now. This thing she's going through is possibly to do with the urge to partyt it up a bit as her previous relationship before me was a long time..I understand this and perhaps she needs a little time to get this out of her system and committing to an awesome thing we had going on.
Shesaid on the weekend that she was considering changing her behaviour so she could keep me in her life..I havent spoken of the relationship since we broke up.
I thought that by not contacting her at and letting her contact me..she'd start to miss me and if she was unsure of what she was doing she'd figure out the right path.
I don't think I should call her right? I mean its only been a couple of days any wya right!?
There really wasn't a major problem in this relationship..a combination of really stressful things tipped the scales and I think with some space my ex may realise this.
I haven't smoothered her or pestered her in anyway. I just love her and truly believe that she may she that we have a good thing. I'm not going to wait around for her (or at least let her think this) But I am unsure of how to proceed..i dont want her to get hurt.
Any advice on what to do? I havent had many relationships, and I do know people do get back together.. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:56:23 AM |
She said on the weekend that she was considering changing her behaviour so she could keep me in her life..I havent spoken of the relationship since we broke up.
I thought that by not contacting her at and letting her contact me..she'd start to miss me and if she was unsure of what she was doing she'd figure out the right path.
I don't think I should call her right? I mean its only been a couple of days any wya right!?
I'm not going to wait around for her (or at least let her think this) But I am unsure of how to proceed..i dont want her to get hurt.
She made her decision. She broke up with you to go out and party and wants to keep you hanging around for when she gets tired of this and wants something comfortable. Do not let her do this to you. She is spiraling down a dangerous path, but you cannot protect her from herself. You can try to talk her out of this behaviour, for her own good. But if she's determined to do it, that doesn't mean you have to stick around and go down with her.
Do not be her FWB. She wanted to be your friend.. then just be her friend. Don't confuse the issue with sex, especially since she's out drinking and sleeping around with anybody and everybody.
But, personally, as much as you care for her, this is going to end up hurting you more than just letting her go now. I know this is a tough decision to make, but imho, I don't really think you should have any contact with her. She made her bed, let her lie in it.
I really don't like her comment about having her cake and eating it too. Brazen little hussy ain't she? And you're letting her do it. Stop it! 
Good Luck,
Krys | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:13:11 AM | This girl is only good for one thing.... and apparently she is giving it away.
Bad girls are fun, but they are called bad for a reason.
She is not in a place that will give to you or care about you, only herself.
You have to get her out of your life.
If it turns your crank that she is sleeping with other guys, keep sleeping with her, but you will loose all respect for her after a while..then you will lose respect for yourself.
It will suck to let her go..big time! But if you really care about yourself AND her, finish it.
You never know, it could be the wake up call she needs.. don't count on it. But maybe you will hook up again one day... if you are special enough to her. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:35:49 AM | | F**k the granny outta it - then tell it to do one, cut all contact give it six months she'll be back, then do the same again! Girls like that need bringing down a level! I'm still working through most of them! | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:38:37 AM |
She wanted to be your friend..
Thanks for the reply Krys, well she was angling for the FWB scenario..like last week she called everyday and talked to me about hookining up for the sex.
I guess if I look at it objectively..she wants the best of both worlds, until shes got her head clear and wants back with me.
I think I need to tell her I cant be friends because we have too much of a connection - maybe this might show her she could lose me by going down the current path.
If I don't stick around though and try to help - who will..she's an awesome girl and she really will end up hurt..was she attention seeking by telling me this, or testing to see if i actually cared..cuase i've obviously been less affectionate since the break..it really hurt hearing that she's fooling aorund with others..i dont know why she's divulging this to me - does she want me to drop her? | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:40:11 AM |
You have to get her out of your life.
I do really care, and hear your advice.
I'm thinking if I can find the strength within to let go and tell her I cant just be fwb, then this might be the wakeup call she needs.. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:45:11 AM |
Girls like that need bringing down a level!
Its wierd because she really has gone on the whole "lets get power from using my sexuality and pulling random men" trip right now..I mean she is very attractive, but at the same time, typically riddled by self esteem issues..Its just odd that its kicking in in this way now, and that she also does think quite a lot of herself. Psychology is so wierd.
I do feel like walking away would give me the power back as right now, i'm giving her cake and letting her eat it.
I feel really demoralised now - AS WELL as heart broken.
I havent shown her that tho | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:45:48 AM | The "lady" you described only deserves to be paid for her services when you get together. Or maybe she should pay you?
I think I need to tell her I cant be friends because we have too much of a connection - maybe this might show her she could lose me by going down the current path. That's called playing a game and it 's an ugly game that never has any winners.
Now lemme’ get this straight. You broke up with this “lady” because she wanted to be single and you aren’t man enough to make her loyal to you? Then you give in and answer her booty call and in essence sleep with her, her two f-buddies and anyone else she hasn’t told you about?
In crude circles that is called being puzzy whipped. And that is kinda pathetic. At 25 you should be looking for a stable relationship with someone who doesn’t hate themselves. By this time in your life you should have realized that people don’t change who they basically are. Consider what it might be in 2 years if you hang around this “lady” for all the wrong reasons. You might be dead, riddled with diseases, or worse, married to pain and heartache. You already said that her ex wielded control over your relationship with her. Grow a pair and find someone who has morals.
When two people find the right chemistry and a solid relationship, no one else should have any influence in it at all.
Pick up the pieces and thank your lucky stars you haven’t caught anything yet. Or at least you might not have. Why throw your life away just because you’re involved with someone who doesn’t care about herself or you?
But, hey!. If that’s your thing then keep on doin’ what feels good for as long as it lasts. Hope you have good medical insurance and a pre-paid funeral plan. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:47:16 AM | | enjoy what she given u...dont ask queation...let time take its toll. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:49:09 AM |
If I don't stick around though and try to help - who will..she's an awesome girl and she really will end up hurt..was she attention seeking by telling me this, or testing to see if i actually cared..cuase i've obviously been less affectionate since the break..it really hurt hearing that she's fooling aorund with others..i dont know why she's divulging this to me - does she want me to drop her?
Ok - the part about taking care of her - You're not her Daddy. I'm assuming this girl has parents, family, other friends. Let them deal with her while you take care of you. You want an equal caring partner in a relationship, not someone you have to "take care of". That is no way to live, trust me. You will always be the giver and she will always be the taker.
You can wonder and worry about her motives for acting this way and telling you the things she's told you, but seriously: She already knows you care, she's not testing you, she's manipulating you.
And no, she doesn't want you to drop her.. she already dropped you. But she wants to mess with your head just enough so you will stick around, just in case.
How can you not see this???
Krys | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:02:03 PM |
That's called playing a game and it 's an ugly game that never has any winners.
I only want her in my life as a gf though and not fwb. Surely I need to communicate that I'm not stickng around to be 2nd best?
I didn't break up with her, she split with me as she's decided she wants to let lose for a bit as she's going through this episode of some description.
Her ex before me had a break down when they split up as he was a big drug user and also became ill - so the guilt started to get to her and he used this..she's realised since we split though that he is really messed up as he told me some things to try and get me to dislike her..didn't work though..
Consider what it might be in 2 years if you hang around this “lady” for all the wrong reasons
What are the wrong reasons..I only want her in my life if she is my girlfriend.
Thanks for the response and advice. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:04:02 PM | | Ross, its very sad that you have stooped so low and are letting yourself be used in this way by this girl. I think it is you with the low self esteem. She sounds like someone with a rancid personality who has sussed how crap you rate yourself and decided to play with you. Shes is even brazen enough to taunt you with her comment about liking her cake and eating it....that is just plain nasty. Why would you want to be with a person who is so openly screwing round, I imagine all the blokes shes been with would be having a right laugh behind your back...Aggghhh wake up and smell the roses. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:04:03 PM | | get rid.shes playing you.meet someone new . | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:09:31 PM |
Ok - the part about taking care of her - You're not her Daddy. I'm assuming this girl has parents, family, other friends. Let them deal with her while you take care of you. You want an equal caring partner in a relationship, not someone you have to "take care of". That is no way to live, trust me. You will always be the giver and she will always be the taker.
You can wonder and worry about her motives for acting this way and telling you the things she's told you, but seriously: She already knows you care, she's not testing you, she's manipulating you.
And no, she doesn't want you to drop her.. she already dropped you. But she wants to mess with your head just enough so you will stick around, just in case.
How can you not see this???
Well, we do have a good balance of what we each put into the relationship - i do things for her and vica versa..
One of several worrying things she said to me on the weekend was about support from her friends. You see, she has surrounded herself by 'yes' people. Her female friends are all a lot younger and look up to her...since the split she has been going out and drinking a half a litre of Vodka a night and then going off with random people - we're in the car on saturday as she asked to hang out, and she said she thinks she's got an alchohol problem (she's always liked to drink and had issues, as does her father..she completely loses control when on it) so she say she thnks she got this problem, and that no body around her has the ability to tell/warn/help her. I just agreed that she was surrounded by people like that and might actually have a problem. I didn't tell her to stop or bite on the hook of feeding into this though..if I was her boyfriend still it would be a different problem - but I couldn't understand this weird needy statement.. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:09:43 PM | Geez, OP -you are 25, not 15.. and completely clueless. Next thing you will be raising HER kid fathered by someone else(and you will be told that it's yours), paying child support while she's having fun self-destructing. If you keep running to her every time she calls at least buy an wholesale-size pack of condoms and USE THEM with no exception.
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:14:11 PM | | So..I should definitely tell I do not wish to be friends/wb then and its either GF, or not have her in my life to hurt me then? | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:18:45 PM |
Well, we do have a good balance of what we each put into the relationship - i do things for her and vica versa..
And she's doing what for you exactly? Keeping your life and emotions in chaos?
Telling us now that she has a drinking problem, just enforces the idea that you need to make a clean break from this girl. Do not be her anything (B/F, FWB, Friend, etc...) to her it's all the same. You're enabling her to live this lifestyle she chose.
Her telling you she thinks she has a drinking problem and that no one is around to help her is just her playing on your feelings for her. If she knows she has this problem, why does she need people around to tell her/warn her? If she knows then anyone else is just agreeing with her. If she's an alcoholic, she is the only person that can fix this.
Krys | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:19:16 PM | | It is not so important what you TELL. It's what you DO. Get outta there. Why oh why would you need a wh**ring alcoholic as a GF? You think she's gonna change coz of ~your~ good influence? Not going to happen. Your self esteem is that low that you think you cannot do better? NEWSFLASH for you - may be hard to believe, but she's not the only one on the planet who's' good in bed. Find someone who's good in bed AND good in their life direction. Are you into role-playing? playing a role of a knight in a shining armor trying to save someone? Snap out of it and don't forget CONDOMS, man. otherwise few months from now we will all be reading heartbreaking posts about how she "tricked" you into fatherhood and about "evil" women or some such. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:23:02 PM |
you aren’t man enough to make her loyal to you
Wouldn't letting her know i'm not going to stick around, and not be fwb be the manly action to take
She told a mutaul friend the other night about how im the best lover she's ever had..and we genuinely do have an insanely good sex life - i think my actions in the next week need to be more manly..trying to figure that out. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:27:13 PM | | We have many connections on so many things - before she started to spiral like this in the last few weeks - we think in the same way..you know we can finish each others sentences etc | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:39:45 PM | yah yah yah. That's what people often mistake for a REAL connection. While it is certainly charming and exciting, it by itself by no means indicates the viability of a real relationship. On the contrary (MY experience has been) that often such connections exist with people that are unsuitable/unavailable for the real sustainable viable relationship. That's how we got suckered in thinking that we have found something wonderful and one-of-a-kind and unique and whatever. But sadly, it's not gonna stop her from cheating on you even if you decide to go to GF/BF arrangement. Wanna try? By all means. Wanna walk in on her doing it with another guy someday? Fight, break up, get together again, repeat. It's going to be anything but boring, in fact it will be a rollercoaster that will exhaust you and burn you out and make your life mess. but don't come running later and posting on here that love of your life cheated on you with some dude she met in the bar or took of with all your money or gave you an STD. Because any of THOSE are predictable outcomes.
P.S. real, viable relationships are often less exciting but it is usually with a person whom you can TRUST and depend on. In big things and small. Who already had ~their~ life on track and do not need to be rescued from themselves.
P.P.S. You got a lucky break and you don't even know it. She broke up with you - if you walk away now , some time later you will finally be able to see clear and sigh a breath of relief and THANK her for breaking up with you.
Good luck in any case. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:41:53 PM | | Make her pay you for your services and look for a real girlfriend too.. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:43:36 PM | Im not sure what to tell you...You have a messy situation...If she's doin the deed with other guys, "Are you accepting of this"?...She does sound like a wild one...My advice these type of woman are good for one thing, "No emotional attachments"...I could give a rip how hot they are...
Friends with benefits...Hmmm...Thats a bit nasty but protect yourself if shes a wild girl, slammin other guys...
You need to change something about yourself possibly...Landing the hot wild girls is great for a while but in the end ,"your left with nothing but a pain in the arse"...
You made the choice...End it now, "Your obviously attached", or Hang on and keep getting what your getting (dirty left overs)...yuk..
My advice..Leave this woman alone...Shes not done being a party girl and likes a little variety (which at her age is ok) but can you deal with on an emotional level...Most cant! | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:53:35 PM | If I was a young woman on POF who read this thread or if I was a young woman in your neighborhood I would never consider dating you.
Not after knowing the type of woman you have been with.
Good luck with this. | |
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| Advice on Break up
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:55:02 PM | | i did use protection last time. and have regular checks. I wouldnt dream of giving somebody else an std. | |
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