| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:42:01 PM | I have now been seperated for about 10 months and really could not have been happier. That is until my ex started seeing someone else. All these feelings which I didn't think were there have come up and it's getting hard to deal with. This is really the only serious relationship I had ever been in so I've never had to deal with it before. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this? I figured this would be the place to ask since nearly everyone here has broken up from a serious relatonship.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:06:21 PM | Interesting topic DS, and disturbing for you, I am sure.
See the feelings for what they are....just another step in the road to moving on, probably. I know what you're talking about...but I don't really have nay tips. Cept for "Take another breath, another step." | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:34:35 PM | I've been there and it can be a sickening feeling, i suppose it effects people in various ways.......and in turn, they deal with the situation with the best of their ability.
All i can say is......." Only a human could awaken to a nightmare" | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:58:19 PM | Yes, it is interesting. It was my choice to leave (5-6years ago) after spending my whole adult life married and there was nothing nasty, though it was not what he wanted. I did not jump into any relationships (still haven't!!) but he did after a few months. When I finally found out there was a feeling I couldn't describe. I didn't have a problem with it really, after all I was the one who left. It wasn't until I was talking to someone about it after a couple of days when I think I put it together....I had stayed all those years, then didn't jump into anything myself out of respect for his feelings, then after only a few months he was testing the water already. Go figure! Anyway, once I worked it out, no problem.
Hope it can be the same for you DS. We have to live with our feelings and/or deal with them. Talking helps and stops the thoughts bouncing around inside.
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:09:57 PM | Honest post DS and thanks for sharing,...Im in a similar situation ...broke up in Aug last year and he was married to someone else by February this year and yep it hurt-still does mmm that should last............ but anyway...it is what it is.....
Tips for survival..I think Bewitched said it the best, keep breathing, keep going...enjoy your down time...acknowledge when your having a bad day, embrace it by eating lots of icecream and Tim Tams ( chick thing) and then let it go..dont let a bad day drag into many bad days...keep busy, look after yourself physically - alcohol long term is not the way to go but does help short term !!! accept every invite you receive, nuture yourself on a spiritual level - meaning do what you enjoy, like going for a drive or whatever makes you feel good..buys lots of cds and dvds if thats your thing-spoil yourself cause your worth it...and apparently in time..you will feel better and it is a time thing. Be gentle with yourself and the expectations that you have.
Its important that you grieve for the end of this relationship...because it is a ending and if you dont do it properly you will (maybe inadvertedly) lug baggage into your next one...so move on when your ready..not when people tell you to...this time in your life is now all about you........and theres nothing wrong with the fact that you loved this woman and it now hurts as she has moved on and your kinda still by yourself.......perfectly natural and should be given the respect it deserves...
Stay strong and focussed and do what you believe is rite for you.....and out there somewhere in the Big Pond is another fishy with your name on it....shes just a guppy at the moment but is growing into a marlin and you will hook her in due course when the time is rite for you both.
And according to my Mom..this too (this horrible feeling and time) will pass.............................. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:27:05 PM | Best advice i can give , is 2 things... stay away from her , like avoid as much as possible , and secondly , nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.. you have your own life to live , your free enough now to do things you havent been able to do before!!!! go and do them...
Ever gone ten pin bowling? skating? even off to the library for some quite time with a good book ( and perve on hot librarians  )
I can tell you now , from personal experience , she will be jealous too when you meet someone , but she wont show it BUT im not telling you to go out solely to MAKE her jealous..
Your single... live it up a bit!! the world is your oyster ( i hate oysters.. wish the saying was different , like the world is your windy road... open the throttle and let 'er RIP!!! )
Lok out | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:31:25 PM | | Thanks guys for all your help, it's been great. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time and stop thinking bad things all the time. I suppose it's just a tough time everyone has to get through at some stage in their life, so when I get home tonight I think I may have to do some serious thinking, sorry I meant serious drinking!! | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:42:07 PM | I was thrilled when my ex hubby took a new girlfriend because it meant he left me alone lol
I did have that feeling when I left an ex bf though and all I can suggest is go with the flow. Dont wonder what may have been, dont wonder why they couldnt be like that with you, dont think about what ifs.
Go out and get yourself someone and your thoughts of your ex should fly out the window. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:44:57 PM | How did I cope with my break-up over a year ago?
Total, absolute NO CONTACT.
He lives only 2 suburbs away from me but NOT once since the break up did I attempt to open any lines of communication. I mean, I could have hopped off the train (he lives near a train station) and walked down to his place, but NO, I conditioned my mind that I didn't know this guy. I also thought only of the bad things he has done to me, so that way, I would not miss him.
I guess if you keep telling yourself everyday that you don't want to be with this person anymore, sooner or later your brain will soak that information up and you will feel different - in a good way.
The funny thing is, when you feel good again, that's when you start hearing from them. I know for a fact that this man has been trying to ring me (since July last year) but didn't have the balls to actually speak up. But alas, for him, I have come to the stage that I feel 100% sure that I do NOT want him. And it spells - I HAVE MOVED ON.
Bottomline is, just bury all the memories you have with this person and you'll be suprised at what your mind and body are be capable of in helping you cope. Goodluck! | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:58:39 PM | Yep, new page, another chapter. Not all love is unconditional. It's a bit rough when you feel that you could give up everything in this world for that special someone if you had to, only to realise that they might be feeling that way about someone else. If you feel pissed off about it, don't. It wont help. It's a waste of energy you could be using somewhere else. We should actually thank them in our own way (yes forgive them too) for what they did contribute to our lives for the short time they were in it and take the good things to the next destination. Just be careful that you don't let Johnny Walker lead you astray. I've often asked myself why I drink alcohol, which is a depressant, when I feel depressed. Mind you it's only after the fact that I ever ask that question.  | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:02:34 PM | Heya Dark not good times but it doesnt have to be all bad either..There is a zillion different emotions and things that pop up in your mind fom time to time and there is also the fact of who ended the relationship as that can also have a slant on how ya feeling.
Unfortuneatly mate no-one can really advise you as every one of us is different in our circumstances and also with-in our selves.
The only thing i can suggest and this is for basically anything in your life not just bustups and that is always be happy with yourself and like yourself before anything.
Walk tall within yourself mate and look the world in the eye and things will improve. Regardless of what others are doing if you believe in yourself the rest is just window dressing..
These kinds of situations are never nice but at the end of the day they are just a ripple in the journey of living and to use a tired old line there is always a light at the end of the tunnel regardless...and if ya feeling down mate look for the small things that make ya smile which could be anything as simple as looking at a sunset ...the view somewhere or just reading jokes or something...it doesnt have to be mindchanging..
Anyway bro good luck with it
cheerz all be safe and be well | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:34:13 PM | gday stanley....... well... yep it hurts.. on a few levels.... but you know its part of the process/greiving in being seperated from the love..the relo.. and also the loss of a future imagined...or planned together....
it is a process... perfectly natural....
same as a parent can feel replaced.. with a step parent.. or a friend etc...
ego/pride can hurt also.. the whole comparison thing also......
just feel it/greive it.. accept once you get through it.. that part of the ending will be done....
at least you are happy.. ..
its good to be aware of parts of self you can improve on. and what you could do better etc in your next relo...... times like this are there to reflect/grow/learn.....
hopefully you will get to a stage.. where you can look back at how much you learnt/felt.. had with her... no love will just disappear.. but will be part of you forever... comes a time in the ending/greiving process... where.. once you accept that.. you can get ready to move on.....
for myself... spirit love ultimately means your happy for the other person.. that theyre happy.. ... but that can be an outcome.. after the process..
my ex hubby. is with imo someone much more suited for him than myself..
glad you shared with us stanley and know were here for you.. even if we can be a bunch of ratbags...lol.
edit... ohh yes...most of my male mates get over it by... being with another woman.....
seems to help... but some wont sleep with her twice in case they get attached....
dont ask me to explain why etc...lol. just what some have told me....
smiles/peace | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:05:53 AM | Thanks heaps you guys, I never thought I would get back so much positive feedback. It's been really good and helped me a lot today I think. I was having a real bad day. But I am happier now that I'm sharing some quality time with my mate Toohey's here.  | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:14:58 AM | | My ex got married not long after we broke up so i just put it down to a rebound relationship.......i think that it is one of those things that you have to go through in your life in your own time and own way and you can't really speed it up all though it definitely helps if you have goals and direction otherwise it is even harder because that is all you end up thinking about. It is also good if you have supportive people in your life. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:20:06 AM | Hey DS, hang in there - it does get better and yes , this too will pass as someone here (sorry I have forgotten who it is) has stated.
BUT ... it will get a LOT better a LOT faster if you do what a few others have suggested too - treat & look after yourself, be nice to yourself, indulge (but not to the addiction levels!) & above all, try & mix with as many women as you can!! It sounds awful but yes you will get over her so much faster if you do meet somebody else.
I left my husband after a very longterm marriage & I met somebody not long after. To spare his feelings as he was already anguished & kicking himself over & over because he knew it was his fault that he had finally lost me, I kept it secret from him until I just had to come out & tell him one day as I couldn't stand the deceipt & lying anymore. He was devastated of course & it was awful but then about a year later he did meet a woman & he could cope so much better. I felt great that I could feel guilt free but also I felt grief & some sort of sadness even that we hadn't managed to make things work between us after all those year. He is still with that woman & is getting married soon & I am really happy that he seems happy but there's also some part of me that feels sad even though I never ever could have him back as I am not in love with him anymore and hadn't been for years.
Anyway, umm I have lost the thread a bit here.. but yes, try & enjoy yourself, keep away from your ex, ignore her, don't try & find out what's going on with her or you will become obsessed with her life & it will prevent you from moving on in yours.
Go on dates or just even go for drinks or dinner & make friends with women. It's nice sometimes to spend time with the opposite sex even if you're not really into them romantically - it seems more exciting somehow to go out for dinner with someone of the opposite sex & get dressed up than just hang out in the local cafe or pub with your mates!
I wish you luck as we all do & at least you know on here that you're not the only one going through it - we all are (or have been)! | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:36:40 AM | Hi DS , I think in some ways its the" its really over" feeling again . Go out enjoy yourself and remember the reasons you aren't together . I think it does you good to socialise and surround yourself with people you can have fun with .
hope you feel better soon  | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:41:31 AM | | yes yes debnco you are so right - I forgot about that - remember the reasons that you are NOT together! My best friend kept telling me that. Whilst I was still in my marriage I was so unhappy & focussed on all the things that he was doing that made me unhappy but as soon as I broke up with him & he left, it was like all the resentment, anger & hatred had left too & then I kept (& I admit I still do sometimes, especially if I'm feeling a bit down) remininiscing about all the good things we had. Why is this I don't know. But yes, definitely focus on all the negative bad stuff about your ex & that will keep you on track. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:55:02 AM | he cheated and tried so hard to hide it until even many months later and because of the cheating I totally stoped and avoided my ex... totally...even when he does the pick up I don't go to the door, unless unavoidable.
I haven't dated and have no interest in dating but most people say the moment I do he will be disturbed....actually.. his whatever you call her ..keeps asking my daughter if I am going out with anyone maybe she is a little scared still
I did and do it this way because there was cheating....not sure how yours ended BUT your question
That is until my ex started seeing someone else. All these feelings which I didn't think were there have come up and it's getting hard to deal with.
could it be possible that somehow you 2 needed a deserved break and in the back your mind (subconsciously that is) you thought there was a way back to each other????
If I were you I won't think to much about it but give it a bit of time to clear things and then see if you are still maybe have a chance together. Maybe. You never know. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:09:50 AM | DS,
Hope that things are starting to lift for you. I think that it hurts because it is the final nail in the coffin. Its the last breathe isn't it. From here you have to accept that its over, and they have completely moved on. Perhaps too its the feeling of being replaced.
Everyone here is right. Be kind to you. Look after you. Take care DS | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:46:37 PM | Well I'm sorry to say this will most probably be my last post on POF. I have found a girlfriend literaly out of the blue. I really wanted to thank everyone for the helpful advice, it meant a lot to me. And yes I found my girlfriend on POF. Take care all  | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:48:19 PM | Hey Dark thats great news.See you solved your own problem,didn't need to ask advice after all.
Of cos i'll put my 2 cents worth in purely to stay on topic of cos.
It was 24 hours after we seperated and we were at a club watching a friends band play,arranged this 2 weeks prior.We were having a couple of drinks and chatting when she said'um he's cute'.Seen him at the bar later and went up and said'this hot girl thinks your cute',pointed her out to him,introduced them and left them to chat.
I figured i was going to have to deal with this sooner or later,so i chose sooner.They ended up going out for a couple of months later and it never bothered me.Mind you a lot of people thought i was nuts when they found out i did that. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:10:27 PM |
And yes I found my girlfriend on POF.
That's what you say...but we all know you found her while were out pillaging some village with your viking mates.
But seriously that's good news, and the best of luck, I'm sure we'll all miss your posts.
I figured i was going to have to deal with this sooner or later,so i chose sooner
wow! That's a bold move, bit like ripping off a band aid. I do understand your thinking, anticipating the bad feeling I'd have when my ex found someone new was worse than the feelings themselves....if that makes sense. | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 6/2/2008 12:41:55 AM | People actually meet people on here ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? excellent...!!!
But DS thats just brilliant...good for you...go for it mate and feel free to drop back in at anytime, even jut to say HI...we are all envious, but well, Im sure all of us wish you nothing but the best..........................................hey guys theres hope for us all yet !!!! | |
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| Dealing with seperation
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:58:51 AM | Hello all this is Dark Stallion's new girlfriend  he is the most amazing man i have ever met in my life. This was not something i was expecting in a million years i came on pof to meet new people and have fun and I have met the man of my dreams. I thought I should write ya'll a message as I've told him on no uncertain terms that it is more than acceptable to stay on the forums even though we are now a couple there is everything write with communicating with people on here and I am looking forward to meeting ya'll online too. Happy Hunting | |
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