| Broke the "no contact" rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:01:46 PM | Went for 5 weeks without talking to her trying to get over her. This morning her grandma had a severe stroke. I work with her dad and her mom called him up while we were in a meeting. After that both her dad and I were on the phone trying to line up things for her family. I called her up mom up to get some information and she picked up the phone. Talked to her for a bit, she was a mess, crying on the phone, asking me for advice...
I guess I somehow should feel angry because she totally screwed up my head... and I just can't. Hearing her crying on the phone this morning was horrible. Call me stupid, contact or no contact, I'll be there for her through this. I must be wired wrong. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:35:42 PM | | Having a heart=wired wrong? I don't think so. You have feelings and you cared for this woman, it's only natural to reach out in a time of need. Just don't let it go to far due to the circumstances (if you don't want it to). | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:40:32 PM | | There's nothing wrong with having a heart when it comes to family crisis. This past summer, I attended my ex's brothers funeral. I hadn't seen the ex or his family in over seven years, but that doesn't mean I cared about them any less. The brother was like a little brother to me as well. Just because you break up with a person does not mean you have to stop caring for them or their family. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:53:12 PM |
Having a heart=wired wrong? I don't think so. You have feelings and you cared for this woman, it's only natural to reach out in a time of need. Just don't let it go to far due to the circumstances (if you don't want it to).
I still care for her... a whole lot. And she walked away from me. And all that makes everything that much more difficult. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:05:41 PM | well either what you had was real or wasnt real...
no offence but ... friendship/love... realness. means caring for other people.... so she hurt you?... by helping her your showing some character... unless theres an ulterior motive...
my family hurt me more than anyone... but real love... says i dont turn my back.. if a human needs help... stay emotionally detached.. to protect yourself... but real.. spirit love= helping...
she obviously needs someone who cares..
i dont get your logic..
if you truly love her...... dont expect something out of it...
i dont know i just see it as character..
smiles/peace | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:06:26 PM |
I still care for her... a whole lot. And she walked away from me. And all that makes everything that much more difficult.
Maybe this is one of life's strange things about timing. If you care for her then there's nothing wired wrong. You were hurt, and you care for her, so is it wrong to still care? I don't know if this was a long term relationship, but the timing of her family hurt is interesting. Maybe you can find a way to care and it will be just what she needs right now. I would just be careful with your own heart.
I hope you find something positive out of this sad situation in her family. She may really appreciate that you show you care, and if that had some part in her breaking up then maybe this is an opportunity for you to demonstrate you care. Somethings happen this way in life. :) | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:08:34 PM | There is the possibility that your support through this crisis may help her see you in a different way, make her realize she should not have walked...
Or it can just delay your recovery over losing her...
Two very real and possible options.
But you should never fault yourself for thinking enough of another to want to be there for her.. MAy your kindness never be taken away from you by life's sorrows..
Best of luck to you both. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:25:02 PM | | As is quite often the case, there are some occasions during which it's acceptable to break a rule. Despite whatever may have happened between you, there are times when you've got to put the hurt pride aside and offer your sympathies, which is what you did in this case. Good for you for taking the high road. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:26:26 PM | FixedHeart...Hey, "theres nothing wrong with being a good man and supporting your ex through an emotional time like hers"...Jus be careful yourself...
You could be walkin into an emotional mine field...Be a good friend and support her and her family...Keep your intentions , "as a support and a strong support only"...
Is hard as it is, "Walk away when this is over"...
Your not hard wired wrong...Be a support only..."You never know"?... | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:30:33 PM | Being there for her is a noble thing to do. But a little free advice, don't get your hopes up.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY: you'll come out of this with a strong friendship. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:45:35 PM | | I did the same thing when my ex-boyfriend's daughter was murdered. There is nothing wrong with being supportive in a time of need. Thinking this will change your relationship with her could break your heart once again. Be careful and be thoughtful, but I wouldn't count on the relationship changing because of this. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:55:33 PM | I am in agreement with messages 2, 9, & 10. Be a supportive friend, but be careful. Best to you.  | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:39:06 AM | | your not stupid, your just clearly a decent guy. there's nothing wrong with wanting to be there for someone you once cared about. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:51:14 AM | Hearing her crying on the phone this morning was horrible. Call me stupid, contact or no contact, I'll be there for her through this. I must be wired wrong.
Think of how you would be feeling if you hadnt picked up the phone to try and help the family,think of how you would be feeling if you had denyed yourself the chance of being able to offer her emotional support.At a guess ignoring the situation would have left you feeling worse,you did the right thing. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:01:27 AM | | You did the right thing. It is okay to feel something for this person and her family. I still talk to my ex's mom all the time. I went to my ex's funeral and i cried because not only was he a father to my oldest son he was still my freind. just don't expect something out of this because you will be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. it is okay to be a human with feelings. your next girlfreind will be lucky to have such a caring man. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:53:47 AM | .. 5 weeks without talking to her. her grandma had a severe stroke. I work with her dad and her mom called him ... both her dad and I were on the phone trying to line up things for her family. I called her mom , but she picked up the phone. Talked to her for a bit, she was a mess, crying on the phone, asking me for advice...
I should feel angry because she totally screwed up my head... and I just can't. Hearing her crying on the phone this morning was horrible. I'll be there for her through this. I must be wired wrong.
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I am very sorry to hear about your EX's grandmothers stroke, that must be rough for their family. I don't know how long you were with ex (wife? etc for years?). But, nowhere did you mention the ex wanted to talk to you, sure she was crying. I mean, did her dad, her mom, or her ASK FOR YOUR HELP ON ANY OF THIS? For example, if her dad said "Jimmy, please call Mercy Ambulance and find out what hospital she's at", or "Please call my insurance company and get our policy info" or "Please call Moving and Storage and arrange a moving crew". Thats a lot different than saying "Jimmy, please talk to Sally, and tell her you still love her".
So what really happened? Does the ex want your "support" right now? | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:31:10 AM |
I am very sorry to hear about your EX's grandmothers stroke, that must be rough for their family. I don't know how long you were with ex (wife? etc for years?). But, nowhere did you mention the ex wanted to talk to you, sure she was crying. I mean, did her dad, her mom, or her ASK FOR YOUR HELP ON ANY OF THIS? For example, if her dad said "Jimmy, please call Mercy Ambulance and find out what hospital she's at", or "Please call my insurance company and get our policy info" or "Please call Moving and Storage and arrange a moving crew". Thats a lot different than saying "Jimmy, please talk to Sally, and tell her you still love her".
So what really happened? Does the ex want your "support" right now?
I've known her and her family for probably 6 years, if not longer. Her mom and her dad have always adored me. We really didn't date for that long but the whole family (including the grandma) really likes me. Her mom told me to call her "mama". I keep in touch with them (well, I see her dad at work every day, duh) and her grandma always asks her mom about me.
Her mom texted me (she knew we were in the meeting) after she called her husband and asked me to relay some additional infromation to him. Her dad asked me to call his wife and find out some information because he was on his cell arranging other stuff. I called and the girl picked up the phone. We talked, she was upset. She doesn't have that much time off work because she just started and didn't know if she should go with her mom. I had to go because her dad wanted me to get some more information. But I texted her and told her that she should talk with her boss and if her boss is worth his position, he would bend the rules in situations like this. She texted me back and asked me if she should go. I told her that family comes first no matter what and she absolutely should go. Then she called me up and asked me to talk to her dad and arrange her flight. We talked about it some more.
She didn't straight up tell me "I need your support". I don't know if anybody would do that. I just told her that I know that she is there with her mom, but if she needs help or needs to talk to somebody, I'm there for her. Whether she wants my help or not, it's up to her but I'll be there for her (and her family) if she/they want me to be there. "No contact" rule doesn't apply to this, at least not for me. If I end up being hurt in all this... ah, well, I'll deal with it if I get there.
That's the story. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:10:46 PM | :
Having a heart=wired wrong? I don't think so. You have feelings and you cared for this woman, it's only natural to reach out in a time of need. Just don't let it go to far due to the circumstances (if you don't want it to).
I have to agree with the above. I too have feelings for the one that walked out on me. All my friends say I am a fool for not completely hating her and just forget she ever existed. Tell me, how so you do that if you ever really cared? Well you forgive, you try hard to understand why she did what she did. It was wrong yes. But it was the way she had to handle it for herself. so I can understand that and do forgive her....to a large extent. Not to go into it, but for background on where I am coming from ...
This last breakup was one of several in two years. Each time I'd call, say the right words, do the right thing and win her back. This last time is different. This time it's over.
But I remember times she needed me for some crisis in her life and felt I could help her or otherwise had the answer she needed. I was always glad she at least thought of me in her time of need. Isn't that what really caring about somebody is about?
Would you believe the "crisis" she had last was a "how to fix something". No major thing, but at leas she thought of me. So yes, I talked to her on the phone and told her how to fix the thing. Odd, it made me feel good that she knew she could rely on me...even for such a trivial thing. would I help her again? Yes. True, she did me wrong. But you don't just shut them out and be a smaller person and not be there for them when they reach out for you. It makes me feel like a better person just knowing I don't tell her to go F**k herself.
I still care for her... a whole lot. And she walked away from me. And all that makes everything that much more difficult.
I did not say it was easy. I did not say it did not open some wounds or make me think of the way it all should have been. But again, I feel good knowing I was of some value. Not a cast to the side piece of garbage. I'll be there for her again someday. Just as I know you will be there for your ex. You seem to be that kind of good guy.
And no, I don't believe us good guys finish last.....not in the long range. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:42:05 PM | I appreciate your honesty on this one. There typically always is more to the story and you filled in some blanks. Now having said that....
From the sound of your posts, you already feel like the "no contact" rule doesn't apply here so what's the issue? You're taking the high road by doing what you feel is the right thing to do and the only person you need to justify that to is yourself. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:28:29 PM |
"No contact" rule doesn't apply to this, at least not for me. If I end up being hurt in all this... ah, well, I'll deal with it if I get there.
You have a wonderful heart...make no apologies for it.  | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:38:44 PM | You are not wired wrong....you're human. Contact or no contact there are times when it's necessary to put your anger aside and do the right thing. Give her whatever support she needs during this difficult time and then move on. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:43:43 PM | Just be a good guy. Be there for her and her family.
Everything will be cool just as long as you do NOT take advantage of her emotional state!
It's hard for you sure. But your doing the right thing, and that ALWAYS feel good. | |
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| Broke the no contact rule
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:25:37 PM | | The no contact rule doesn't apply here as i read all the posts in this thread i realized that you are a part of the family weather you like it or not . They have adopted you and you will just need to accept it . what you did was help the family in their time of need and gave some honest advice to her as a gentleman.Be proud of yourself for not letting petty feelings get in the way | |
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