| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:46:42 PM | | My boyfriend got upset during a normal conversation because apparently I asked a question which turned out to be a sensitive subject for him. I said, fin, let's not talk about it. But then he continued over and over about how I could even ask this stupid question, so I got in my car and left. He called a couple of hours later, but did not leave a message. I don't know what to do at this point? Call back and ask what he wanted? And I am really not sure what to say. I think he acted disrespectfully by raising his voice at me and he didn't even think there was anything wrong with it. He tried to justify his behavior by saying I was the reason he yelled at me. WTF? What would you suggest in this situation? Thanks in advance | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:53:45 PM |
we need to know what the question was...
The question was to follow up on something he had mentioned in an earlier conversation, why does he have a second mortgage on the house if he was saying he put a substantial amount down. It's a big house that he owns with his brother. My boyfriend moved in because his brother got divorced and my boyfriend had to buy the ex-out to help his brother keep the house. It's more conplicated than that but this is the crux. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:58:59 PM | | how long have you dated this man?, me , i would consider it a red flag if he got so up set about a question, maybe he is hiding some thing, who knows | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:59:35 PM | | Sounds like he overreacted to me. Of of the top of my head I can come up with a logical, financially reasonable answer to that question. I don't know how far along your relationship is to know if finances are a taboo topic, but then how would you find out about the mortgages anyways? | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:06:17 PM | | Maybe he had to put a substantial amount down to get the house and now he wants some of the money back to do other stuff with it. No bigee... | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:06:49 PM |
Sounds like he overreacted to me. Of of the top of my head I can come up with a logical, financially reasonable answer to that question. I don't know how far along your relationship is to know if finances are a taboo topic, but then how would you find out about the mortgages anyways?
it is not in any way a taboo topic. We have talked about finances (his finances mainly) a lot. I don't ask him what he has, but he had given me a run down on his debt when I didn't even ask. This time, he was the one that said, "my FICO score went down because I got myself in this debt with the two mortgages." Then I asked, "I don't understand why there are two morgatges on the house if you had said you bought his ex out and there was a lot of equity." Anyway, it doesn't matter all the details. What bothers me is his reaction and anger. I have never seen him like that before. Sure, we've had some disagreements, but nothing like that. BTW, we have been together for less than two months. But the thing is that we were going to move in together. Now I am reconsidering moving in with him because of this incident. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:08:58 PM | Since he initially brought up the conversation, I don't see you did anything wrong. I too, can think of several good explanation for a second mortgage, so I don't know why he would be upset, unless he was lying to you and couldn't come up with anything on the spur of the moment. Anger is always a good deflection mechanism.
Unwarranted anger is always a red flag to me, but that is just my opinion. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:09:43 PM | I'm thinking red flag also....
Sounds like a huge overreaction.... although I can understand why he wouldn't necessarily want you to know all the financial bits of his life (depending on how long you've been dating). It could have been handled better... It's the blow-up that has me worried.
Cut your losses and run. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:15:24 PM | | Sounds like he's frustrated and he took it out on the nearest person.. you. He called you, most likely to apologize.. but who wants to apologize to an answering machine? Call him back or you'll just stew over it. Or, tell him to F.O. it's only been two months.. why would you move in with him after such a short time? You don't even know who he is! | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:15:34 PM | Sounds like you unveiled something your boyfriend preferred you didn't see. Perhaps a fiscal skeleton in the closet?
I know this personality type well. They are not emotionally involved. They look for things outside themselves rather than within for validation. Instead of being open to exploring your curiousity, he blamed you for the question.
Fast forward a few years. You suspect he may be cheating. You feel anxious and worried. He will tell you it is your fault for discovering his affair. If you wouldn't have questioned, you wouldn't be upset, right?
This guy may be in it for the better, but I bet he's outta town for the worst.
I sure wouldn't feel safe. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:15:47 PM |
although I can understand why he wouldn't necessarily want you to know all the financial bits of his life (depending on how long you've been dating). It could have been handled better...
He said I brought up a sensitive topic about his brother's divorce and made him relive all the bad events of it, which he didn't want to remember. Nevertheless, i don't think anyone deserves this kid of treatment. To me, this is an indication of a bigger problem. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:17:13 PM | 1. wow, you've only been together for 2 months and you were considering moving in with him? what's the rush? you're still in the honeymoon stage of things.
2. the honeymoon stage is usually the first 3 months. So you're seeing he has an anger problem, perhaps? Difficult to communicate with? Didn't you also post not long ago that he's overly sensitive or emotional or something? I think so. A lot of 'issues' for such a new relationship.
3. He apparently doesn't feel that raising his voice to you was wrong. Come again? If he's like this now, with this mindset, at this early stage of the game - it's not going to get better, it will get worse. Don't even THINK about moving in together.........give it several months if you really, after this stuff, think you want to live with him. Ugh. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:17:14 PM | | dating less than 2 months...and you're already moving in with him (& his brother)?/ what are u, nuts?? you need ALOT more time with this dude..moving in is just like marriage, sweetheart but w/o the piece of paper.As the others have said..this is a HUGE red flag..but you hardly can know someone after 2 months..take your time..and don't do anything stupid. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:19:08 PM | Well first of all if I wanted to continue with the guy I would just ignore this.. he is stressed out.. and took it out on you... tell him he is gonna have to get glad the same way he got mad.. and you aren't gonna get into it with him..
Then.. give him Dave Ramsey's Total Money Make Over book.. and start listening to Dave on the radio.. he is also on the internet. You read the book too..
I would definitely not comingle my money with his till he gets this mortage situation solved.. Live with him.. ok.. but don't comingle nothing but yourselves ok? 
In fact if you aren't going to marry I see no reason to commingle assets.. keep yours separate.. and contribute to the house hold expenses.. but don't commingle anything. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:20:33 PM | OP,
Isn't this the guy you had only known a few weeks and planned to marry at that point?
Seems you mentioned this in an earlier post somewhere. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:20:48 PM | why put up with anyone's bull crap, yelling at you over his own financial ineptness. If that is the case, and it sounds possible, he's losing his ass and talking it out on you.
WHOA, move in after two months??? Cmon, dont set yourself up for trouble...
Trust me you both have sides the other hasn't seen in only two months!@!
Two months is not enough foreplay for the game of house you wish to play, YOu might end up on JUdge JUdy... | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:21:46 PM | | This is one of those defining moments in a relationship. On the one hand, you want to understand why he was so upset. On the other hand, you don't want to give him the impression that it's okay to blow up at you like that. I think you should let things cool down a little and see if you can talk. He should be able to apologize for his behaviors and say why he overreacted. Then you can discuss what behaviors are unacceptable to you. If he cannot, it's sad, but you may need to cut your losses. It really takes a long time to get to know someone. I thought I had met the perfect guy recently, and he just changed very suddenly and turned out to have all these complications in his life I didn't know about. At very least, I would not move in with him. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:22:04 PM |
this is an indication of a bigger problem.
You answered your own question Sweetie. 2 months is a very short time to decide to make a decision about living together. I figure the monkey's don't start falling out of the trees until at least 3 months. Anger towards you for asking ANY question is a huge red flag. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:22:29 PM | OP,
I can't recommend any specific course of action here, but ,if he reacted so negatively, you must have hit a nerve. He obviously resented the question, or the truthful answer. IMO,"Whoa!" on the living together, and giddyap on the getting to know each other better,especially before you take the relationship to a new level. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:23:43 PM | OP, I read in your post history, this recent post of yours:
I am in the process of moving in with my boyfriend and we plan on getting married in the near future. I have two kids from two previous marriages. My boyfriend says that I should now fight for full custody of my son who is with me 50% because we will have a full family, meaning two parents. My son's dad is very much involved in our son's life and I don't want to take his dad away from him. My boyfriend, who has no children of his own thinks that a child should always live with mother and father should visit on weekends. He also wants my son to go to school in the new district, not in his father's district. While I respect my boyfriend's position to be involved in our family decisions, I think this is overkill, not to mention it is not in the best interest of the child. Any advice on what to do to convince him that shared custody should stay in place?
You've only been together for 2 months........you've already had 2 failed marriages and you're looking at jumping into #3 so quickly? You have 2 children from 2 different Daddies........and you're wanting to disrupt their poor lives even more by going to ANOTHER MAN..............on top of all that, this guy seems to have anger issues, is overly sensitive and emotional, and his request for you fight for full custody of your son and take him away from that son's Dad........and disrupt the poor kid's life, put him in a new school district, etc................................geezus, what is wrong with this picture? Now he sounds like a freakin control freak who's jealous of your son's Dad so for no good reason (you're not saying son's Dad is a bad Dad) other than he wants an instant 'picture perfect family' (because he doesn't have kids of his own), he wants to turn your child's world upside down?
Give your head a shake all the way around here. I feel very sorry for your children, no offense. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:25:32 PM | | I dont think its something to be ignored...the #1 issue with married ppl. is MONEY!!! if this is a hassle now..imagine after they move in. I'm a little suspicious of him discussing his FICO score and detailed financial info. so early on (less than 2 months) in the relationship. He may be up to his eyeballs in debt. As someone else suggested, anger is a defense mechanism when you don't have a logical explanation or one in which you dont want the other person to know about. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:26:48 PM | Now I REALLY feel sorry for your children:
Most my long term relationships started with sex first. Most recent example of that was when I met my current boyfriend for our first date, I offered him to have a one night stand that same night. He called me three days later and we hooked up again. Now, six weeks later, we are moving in together and are planning a wedding.
Are you so desperate for sex and a man that you put your health at risk (STDs), and after 2 failed marriages, you have a one night stand and suddenly after 6 weeks you're talking marriage? God - I'm now convinced some women simply shouldn't be allowed to have children. | |
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| What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:29:34 PM | | I agree with WannaKakalina. And others that said red flag. I wouldn't necessarily break it off right now as you don't say if there's been previous similar reactions. However, I can say don't move in with him yet. Maybe have some sleep overs to better get a feel for him and if there are more such outbursts, then I strongly suggest cutting ties. | |
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