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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:32:27 AM | And more importantly, how do you resolve them?
I'm not talking about the obvious ones like money problems, infidelity, alchoholism, abuse. I mean just the little everyday things that tend to spark disagreements. We've all been married, divorced, widowed or had at least one long term relationship. And although I've heard people claim that they never argued with their spouse in 20 years of marriage (yeah right), most of us DON'T walk on water, so I'm curious to see what kind of responses this question brings. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:03:26 AM | | The venus vs. mars thing, there is a distinct difference on how men and women react to situations. Usually, women talk to much and men not enough which frustrates each other, how do you solve this? communication | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:08:43 AM |
I mean just the little everyday things that tend to spark disagreements.
Housekeeping and childrearing standards seem to big big areas that couples argue about.
"He leaves his dirty clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor"
"She never cleans out her car"
"He never washes the dishes"
"She won't vacuum the house and it looks like a pigsty"
"He/she's a slob"
"He/she won't discipline the children"
"He/she uses foul language in front of the children"
You get the idea...There are hundreds of these kind of things that can start arguments. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:10:21 AM | Miscommunication. Most definately.
Either one person doesn't speak up or the other doesn't listen. People don't know how to communcate effectively to resolve issues. They either blow up, sull up, leave, pout, ignore, etc.... and nothing gets resolved.
Disagreements can be worked out, but it takes patience and understanding from both parties to make it work.
Krys | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:24:47 AM | Branes, as a widower, I'm sure you'll relate to my feelings about this.
My late hubby and I rarely had huge blow-ups. But we not only lived together, we also worked together ( he got to be the boss at work), and that very frequently created situations where we were both tired and stressed which led to petty bickering.
Stupid things such as his falling asleep at night in front of the t.v. instead of going to bed, me buying a lesser quality toilet tissue because it was less expensive, him buying another set of golf clubs when he already had 4 other sets, me dragging out getting to the punch line of jokes.
Now I look back on it all and wish with all my heart I could, one more time, wake him up to tell him to go to bed.
If I ever have another special someone in my life, I don't care if they leave every toilet seat up, fall asleep on the recliner, or won't eat anything but meat and potatoes, I will not ever, ever complain about the silly, mundane things they do.
I never realized how much I could miss being aggravated. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:36:39 AM |
If I ever have another special someone in my life, I don't care if they leave every toilet seat up, fall asleep on the recliner, or won't eat anything but meat and potatoes, I will not ever, ever complain about the silly, mundane things they do.
It's interesting how we complain about these little things when the person is here, but once they are gone we miss the quirks that once drove us crazy. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:53:13 AM | | Every couple has arguments, but I think if they can be sorted fairly without sulking and manipulation then they can be a healthy way of voicing your feelings. Arguments can come about for a boat load of reasons, but things go bad when people don't know how to say sorry when they know they are in the wrong, or how to take the other persons feelings into consideration. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:55:50 AM | It's lack of communication that causes arguments.
I mean, in all my relationships, I've never really had an argument unless it was something major. Like my finding out that they'd been lying or cheating on me. At which point it's not so much an argument as my kicking their worthless ass out the door. LOL!
But for the little things... I discuss them with my partner. If there's something that bothers me, I talk about it. And they would do the same.
We might have a nice argument about which is better, Coke or Pepsi... but, it's never been anything really serious.
And yeah, there's times when a habit of theirs or mine would be irritating. But we wouldn't argue about it... we'd simply mention the annoyance that the habit brings... and talk about what can be done so that it's not a problem. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:07:54 AM | I believe alot of us go into a relationship with great intions and hope that this person will be the answer to our dreams. Reality sets in after awhile and relize they are not perfect. One day someone makes a comment that just doesn't sit right with you, you ignore it and it happens once again and you begin to notice the differences between you.
People who were married for a longtime seem to condition themselves as to what is acceptable and not. When your sig other does or says something that your ex or prior relationships would have never crossed than line, inthe back of your mind it's there..then the nit picking starts..then bickering..the little things that would never bother you irritate you now...it's because in our minds we want that perfect person..or what we once felt or had only to realize this person is not who or what we thought.
The little bickering becomes daily and then someone crosses a line and the argument starts. Ofcourse we all disagree at some point but it seems while we may have never argued with our ex spouse, we do with our current partner. This may be due to life experiences, dating games and so forth.
What is the answer? Find someone compatable, learn their flaws and accept them if you can. Communication is the key to lifelong bliss..
My folks were married 52 years..I can remember maybe 2 arguments in all that time.
They were NOT SOULMATES and for the record I abhor that overused word!
You don't marry a soulmate, they are your best friend, a confidant etc..mine was my mother..She would never judge me but gently guide me through life's tribulations. I miss her much.kering, step back, reexamine why the tiny things irritate you
So...when you start the bickering, step back, re-examine why the tiny things irritate you so much. Talk about it with your sig other.
It is both the male and the female who perpetuates the arguing equally.
just my take on this,
Dusty | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:35:17 AM | well ruckus, why is it always a women's fault when arguments start. If your going to reply like that dont you think other women will see what you have written.
Arguments are between two people, because it does take two to make a relationship
work.
 cheers and happy  | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:39:15 AM | | Incompatibility.....so many people are partnered with folks they aren't compatible with......and that leads to bickering, unhappiness, arguments, cheating, etc., etc., etc. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:50:41 AM | I don't argue. Never have. Except for the addiction thing, my marriage was almost a perfect union. This was the complete opposite of opposites attract.
There are two kinds of love. Crazy love, and practical love. When given the choice, choose the practical. Less trouble, more fun, and way easier. At least in my experience.
ps. practical doesn't mean boring at all. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:58:19 AM | At this stage in my life, I think arguing is a total waste of good time and energy. We should be able to communicate what the issues are. I think that as has been said here before, communication is key. There are much better things for a couple to be doing than arguing over whose knickers were left on the floor!  | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:27:29 AM | Housekeeping and childrearing standards seem to big big areas that couples argue about.
"He leaves his dirty clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor"
"She never cleans out her car"
"He never washes the dishes"
"She won't vacuum the house and it looks like a pigsty"
"He/she's a slob"
"He/she won't discipline the children"
"He/she uses foul language in front of the children"
You get the idea...There are hundreds of these kind of things that can start arguments.
^^^^I agree with most of these reasons, another one that comes to mind is what happens in the bedroom.
just my two cents | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:28:30 AM | | If couples are bickering, then they are bickerers. I don't get into long term relationships with stress cadets. For personal experience, relationship with no bickering is very possible. It just takes picking our mates wisely. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:36:59 AM | I have to disagree with those that say that it is a communication problem that causes arguments, as I think it goes farther than that. Arguments start, even those in this forum, with two differing views and inflexibility in those views. I’m not saying that one needs to automatically agree with another person’s view and caudle them, per se, but it is necessary to acknowledge other people’s opinions and allow them to have those opinions. Arguments begin when one person expects some flexibility in another’s stance and it is not given.
For example, I’ve been dating someone off this site for many months now and we’ve yet to have anything even remotely close to a disagreement. We are fairly-well matched and do agree on many things, but there are also a number of things where we see completely differently. She loves to spend time with young (under age 10) children, and I, as an only child with no kids would rather not – it’s just very uncomfortable for me. She doesn’t ask me to join her when she’s baby-sitting half the kids in the neighbourhood, nor does she feel bad that I don’t volunteer. She understands that it is not my ‘thing’ and allows me to have that opinion. On the same token, I don’t begrudge her for wanting to spend time with younger children. I don’t make her feel guilty about not being with me, and just find other things for myself to do during those times. Neither one of us has changed our preference or opinion, nor have we made any attempt to change the other person’s. We simply accept that one of us feels one way, and the other feels the other. It's not a compromise, as we’ve not met at a ‘middle ground’. It’s not a lack of communication, as we have talked about how we both feel. It’s just accepting that two people will occasionally feel differently about different things. She’ll never ask me to sit down to dinner and eat her carefully and lovingly-prepared meatloaf, because she knows I hate meatloaf – give it to da d*mn kids, as far as I’m concerned (lol). She’s a fan of NASCAR racing and I’m a fan of open-wheel Formula 1 racing -- two very different sports. At the end of Sunday night, I ask her how her ‘guy’ did and she asks me how my ‘guy’ did, and we tell each other about the races that we both watched. Neither one of us is offended that we watch our form of car racing without the other person joining in.
Arguments don’t usually start just because of a lack of communication. They can, on occasion, but usually it’s because of a strength of will and inflexibility in opinion. You don’t have to agree with your partner, nor try to change their opinion, but it is necessary to allow your partner to have their opinion and, at times, let it be unchallenged.
cdn guy | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:42:46 AM | Well on day the monkey said this jungle is to quite for me
I think im going stir up some sh!t ! well along came the lion
down that way, so he say hey lion that elephant has been talkin
about you in a terriable way, he says he screwed your mother and
your sister too and before he gets done he's going screw you too
well that lion let out a roar his tail shot out like a 44 went down threw that jungle in a heck of a breeze knocked the ol giraffe clean to his knees, found that elephant in the tall greengrass says hey you big basturd get up im goin kick your a$$! O elephant got up with tears in his eyes, says hey lion go pick on someone your own size!
well the lion made a foruious pass and the o elephant knocked him flat on
his a$$, they fought all night and half the next day still don't see how the lion
ever got away, went down through the jungle more dead n alive and who
did he run into? the monkey sittin up in the tree singin his jive, he says hey
lion! boy the elephant messed you up pretty well he's fucced up you face and
knocked you ol a$$ clean outa place ha ha, well the monkey started to jump
up and down left foot slipped and his a$$ hit the ground, like a bolt of lighting
and a streak of white heat the loin was on him with all for feet. He says hey monkey make your last request! the monkey says let me get my peter out of the mud and my balls out of the sand and ill fight ya like a hairy a$$ man, so the lion jumped back to give a fair fight and the chicken a$$ monkey went clean outa sight, up in the tree all safe and sound he let out a squak that could be heard for miles and miles around, he says hey all you jungle animals and especiely you mangy a$$ lions! you may be kingof the junge but im king of the trees when im up here ill sh!t right where I please.
arguments are a lack of respect for each other and your the only one who I can
blame for my _________ | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:30:55 AM | ***Sighs*** @ Pazoozoo's post! 
Awesome point here! I dunno how many times I have told a lady friend moaning and groaning about her hubby's snoring, that I would have killed to hear my man snoring next to me!
But the "tiffs" that you refer to are a normal and healthy aspect of any relationship. It's the BIGGIES like money, sex, infedelity, parenting issues that cannot be compromised on...that I would worry about. :O)
Smaller ones...forgetting an important milestone or date...too much time out with the buds...too much time at work...cristisizing clothing or appearance....time spent online! LOL | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:02:19 AM |
And yeah, there's times when a habit of theirs or mine would be irritating. But we wouldn't argue about it... we'd simply mention the annoyance that the habit brings... and talk about what can be done so that it's not a problem.
Maybe for you, but for most couples, there's nothing simple about it--if you are irked, the tone shows and then sometimes the frustration of both parties escalates into a real "fight"--about nothing. BUT, the good news is it's normal to bicker. (I WOULD like to know how you handle if, after your careful wording and polite mentioning of the annoyance, she persists in the annoying beahviour... Do you then completely ignore the annoying behaviour and never mention it again? My, you ARE "adult".)
For those who have said they never argue? Well, then you're not communicating. When a woman stops arguing/nagging/whing/however you want to characterize it, I would say she's prolly already checked out of the relationship and is looking to move on. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:53:21 PM | People argue because they can. Its a release, its a way to express, vent, lean on someone else we know will be there for us, at least for now.
Scenario I
Everybody has a day when they didn't get enough sleep, have hormonal changes, are beginning to get a cold, and little things from everywhere--not just the SO are harder to deal with. Then even if the SO asks, "What's wrong, honey?" it just is one more thing to respond to: i.e., think about what is really "bothering" you, even if you don't really know.... then formulate that into words that aren't going to scare the other person; "Oh, no, s/he's stopped talking/sharing with me, s/he's stopped loving me as much!" then deal with the inevitable answer, question, fixing.
It is easy to then blame the SO for annoying you, and the relationship for "getting in the way" of you just settling down and relaxing or getting more things done that were pressuring you in the first place. Its sometimes easier to be short with someone and argue, than to be calm--which you have already had to do all day; force yourself to be calm and collected.
Scenario II
Then there is this self-fulfilling prophecy thing .
I think it works like this;
1. Your Dad cheats on your mother. Your mother is devastated and never is the same again. You suffer watching this.
2. You grow up and think you have to choose:
a. Be independent and just go get what you need/want like your Dad, or
b. Be trusting, vulnerable, and then miserable when cheated on.
You NEVER want to EVER be cheated on. (Lived through that already.)
So you think the best thing to do is be strong and independent, and NEVER be needy and trust someone TOO much. You look for someone who is kind of dependent on you so you know they will need you.
3. So you meet your SO, never quite trust them, never quite rely on them emotionally, and your SO feels like "something is missing," (this is where the "arguing" comes in--about "you don't really care" and stuff) so they go elsewhere, looking for true intimacy--and, voila! you have been cheated on. Now even more arguing!
You have created your worst fear; the thing that all your machinations have been trying to PREVENT actually caused it. Imagine that!
Scenario III
Then there is this thing called Projection:
Its like a video projector. What's in me shines on you.
It goes something like this:
1. I am afraid of something. I hate feeling fear, because it makes me feel vulnerable to attack.
2. So I lean the other way emotionally, and show anger instead, it seems to cover up the fear nicely, because my SO can't tell and still thinks I am STRONG. Ha Ha!! I attack first before anyone attacks me.... I'm being so proactive!
3. My anger gets my SO annoyed, then angry, because whatever they say or do, it can't possibly address the real problem I have hidden (some kind of fear about something).
4. Now I am really angry, because my SO is ANGRY at Me!
So I yell; "STOP BEING SO ANGRY AT ME!" This doesn't help things, so I pound my fist.
5. This causes my SO to get a little scared.
Now I have nicely projected my fear onto my SO.
I say; "What are you AFRAID OF???! It's just ME! Your SO!!!!" Or something else very idiotic. My SO rolls their eyes--and......another round of arguing.
Projection works a lot in the area of jealosy.
1. It starts with a feeling of never wanting to be alone, or never wanting to be the one to be rejected first, or the feeling of never being "good enough."
2. Your SO loves you, says so, but you don't quite believe your good fortune. You can't possibly be this lucky. You know you aren't THAT great. You might have hidden all your "faults" from them--you think, but you are not sure. So,
3. You decide that you have to keep a close watch on your SO to make sure they aren't tempted away by all the wonderful "other people" (normal people always look so ... normal until you get to know them.) Or by those other people who "cheat" by doing unscrupulus things you wouldn't or couldn't do to "catch" the good ones like your SO.
You don't trust your SO's ability to resist temptation. Because, after all, if it was YOU, you would find certain people tempting, too. (Like porn stars or strippers, or movie stars--all those SO stealers! )
3. You watch your SO like a hawk, and can never be quite sure they are being faithful. 4. The closer you watch the more suffocated your SO feels.
5. They avoid coming home to get some breathing space, and some arguing about how much they are away.
6. So you think you need to get validation of your attractiveness elsewhere--perhaps someone flirts with you..... and you are so flattered... perhaps sleep with them, wow, now I'm showing my SO how great I am--I can cheat too!!! OOps. Just did what I said I wouldn't want them to do.
7. Your SO suspects something, gets discouraged, and here comes the arguing.
8. Now you know how easy it is to cheat... so you accuse your SO of cheating, too, more arguing. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:59:10 PM | Misunderstanding, in my experience, is the trigger to most arguments or potential arguments. People forget that they are on the same side and stop trying to understand the other and start trying to defend their corner.
I don't think that clear communication is the solution, although it certainly reduces the frequency of misunderstandings -- the solution is always remembering that you are on the same side: loving. This isn't easy when triggered but unless you both get triggered at the same time there needn't be an argument. | |
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| What causes most arguments in a relationship?
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:04:21 PM | The flashpoint for me would usually be when I was running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to do sixty million (I exaggerate not) things in the house and he would be sitting there with his feet up idly staring into space or reading the paper ... and he would then say something like 'you had better hurry up otherwise blah-de-blah' and I would see red ...  | |
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