| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:35:55 AM | I know the subject line sounds bizarre, but you'll see what I mean. Please read and don't just reply to the subject.
About two and a half years ago, I entered into a 2 year LTR. We seemed to click perfectly when we met, had the chemistry, etc. Exactly a month after we started dating, we decided it was time to have sex. We did, and it was fabulous.
Soon after our first time, she told me that she had been in abusive relationships (sexually and otherwise) all her life (she was 29 at this time), and because of that, it was difficult to for her to have sex.
So, over the course of 2 years, we had sex 4 times. I tried to be understanding, but it was SO frustrating for me. Now, I'm not the kind of guy who has to have it ALL the time (though like most guys, I would if I could). But 4 times in 2 years? I don't think I have to justify my negative feelings about that. Like I said, I tried to be understanding, and we ended up breaking up because we found we just weren't compatible. The sex (or rather lack of) was a factor, but just a small factor.
Here's the thing: I with I had known she felt this way about sex up front instead of telling me after we were emotionally invested in each other (I was head-over-heels for her). And I am scared to death that even though it's unlikely, the next relationship I walk in to will be the same. Everything seemed completely normal until she told me what had happened to her, and the sex stopped before it even got started.
And the question: Is there any way that I can find out if a woman is interested in (and capable of) having a normal sex life without just coming out and asking (and sounding like sex is ALL I want)? I'm sorry, but after the last two years, I want someone who is normal in that area, and I don't want to wait until we are 2 months into our relationship (and emotionally attached) before I find out. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:53:59 AM | | Read the WHOLE post before deciding its a pity post. I'm trying to get some advice without f*cking up a potential relationship. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:01:14 AM | DON'T ASK! Not right away anyway. When bring up sex too early, it makes us wonder if that's all you're interested in. You'll scare away any potential dates!
I don't know the numbers, but I would say that women like her is rare. Most of my friends who are married or in LTR have sex much more freqently than you did. While many women may not want it everyday, I'd say most couples I know have it at least once or twice a week at minimum. Even those female friends (who are rare) who say they aren't really into sex still have it at least a few times a month. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:12:52 AM | Ouch! Four times in two years?! OK...that is definitely pointing to some severe issues if chickee pooh mutually enjoyed your first encounter, as well as the other...three!
I guess one thing you could do, would be to communicate to a level that would enable you to find out if future prospectives have any underlying issues that could cause problems with sex/sexuality? But heck...it seems that at least half of the population HAVE had some sort of violence, rape, molestation, unhealthy relationship! So how does she seem to deal with such? I always say that you can only be a victim for so long...after a certain period of time, one must take responsibility for their own situation.
Of course there is also the method of talking about past relationships...this typically occurs at some point in time, when embarking on a relationship, right? When you broach the topic of this relationship...gauge her reaction...listen to her responses...see if you hear empathy for the ex, or if she is aghast with the idea of staying in a relationship for so long, without the intimacy.
But if the not having sex was such a "small factor" in the demise of your relationship...why are you asking about such? (Just curious...seriously!) | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:14:17 AM | There is no way to tell. A way to help is to read body language. Does she touch you? Does she flinch when you touch her? Does she look down a lot or appear nervous when you kiss or move closer?
Sexual abuse can be devistating. I actually stopped having sex for awhile because of sexual abuse in two of my relationships that came one after the other. I abstained for awhile to recollect and prepare myself to slowly re-enter that world. It isn't easy. I'm still afraid of men to some degree. When they get angry, or yell, even in excitement, I tend to back away slowly or leave the room. I get nervous around more aggressive men. Sex for me was really hard at first. I used to vomit after sex or sexual activities because of the things I would remember, or the way sex made me feel. I'd cry or be emotional, or lack there of and just become numb inside. It wasn't pleasant and it took an understanding man to see things from my point of view. Now we have a very healthy sex life, several times a week (as often as we see each other, and often more than once when we see each other). She just needs to heal and find strength in herself.
If you want to know if the woman you're dating is sexually healthy in a mental capacity, make some off colour jokes (nothing offensive, but suggestive flirting). If she goes quiet/looks uncomfortable, she's not very secure in her sexuality. If she jokes back, teases, etc, or even just laughs, she's likely mature enough to be comfortable in her body and her sexuality. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:51:01 AM | Iza love sex.... but, it's not a question to be asked on a 1st date!
I can totally understand that you would have liked to know sooner so you didn't get as deeply emotionally involved. She knew she had issues and chose not to tell you.
There is a great online book called 1,000 questions couples should know. Within a month of dating and before having sex.... ya might want to slowly get to the sexual questions! I know that I'd have a huge issue if I wasn't with someone that was pretty sexual. I have a girlfriend that whenever she and her boyfriend fight she always complains about the sex... she takes it personal that they don't have sex as often as she'd like and he's explained he's not overly sexual. (NOT a good combination!) | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:02:26 AM |
I actually stopped having sex for awhile because of sexual abuse in two of my relationships that came one after the other.
The person I'm talking about had been molested as a child, was sexually abused in three out of four of the relationships she was in between then dating me, and was flat out raped in two of those relationships. I think what happened with me is that she wanted to TRY to have a normal sexual relationship, and once she tried, she realized she just couldn't.
But if the not having sex was such a "small factor" in the demise of your relationship...why are you asking about such? (Just curious...seriously!)
What I meant was that even though sex was a very definite issue, it was small compared to the other issues. Our entire relationship ended up revolving around how she dealt with men who had hurt her in the past. We couldn't do this because some man had hurt her, we couldn't do that because some man had hurt her, everything ended up being dictated by what had happened to her before me. Plus, as I said, we had a lot of incompatibility issues other than just all that. I know it sounds strange that we stayed together for 2 years, but in spite all of that, I still loved her very deeply, and I tried every way that I could to make it work.
She is bisexual. As in 2 times a year. I would say cut and run.
We separated over 6 months ago. I'm not asking what to do about her. I'm asking how to tell if the next woman IS LIKE HER or not. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:09:57 AM | There is no way to find this out BEFORE her being emotionally invested in YOU--she will have to trust you enough to talk to you about it. Being molested isn't something you tell just anyone. Being frigid or being otherwise sexually inhibited isn't something you just blurt out--you have to have some trust in the individual first.
I applaud the fact that you loved this woman particular enough to stay with her for 2 years, but I think you could have been forgiven for leaving her, too. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:14:05 AM | Dude, I feel badly for you but I heard the same thing happened for other people also. Trust me, you are not the only one. But I give you credit for giving your unconditional love & support for someone and I can understand that having no sex life can damage a relationship.
Next time around, ask some serious sexual questions here and there (you are appearing curious but you are also being investigative). Ask your prospect how often she enjoyed having sex with her ex (was it 2-3x a week???). If she asks you, don't feel obligated to explain your past situation early on. And when you start having a regular, healthy sexual relationship with a new girl, stay on top of her needs, comfort levels, etc. Ask for feedback, role-play & just be more aware of any potential sexual hold-ups. You are at complete control of your destiny & make sure you change it up next time.
And your past partner was in very much need of some, serious Mental Health Counseling. She needed to overcome her fears and prevent these problems from interfering with her relationship. The next guy will have a huge job, being patient and helping her move thru treatment. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:39:55 AM | DO NOT ASK a woman whether she likes it or is capable of getting intimate. That will throw a "wrench" into a potential relationship.
I believe your particular scenario is very rare. However, you did remain in it for two years. Therefore when you meet a woman, start to talk and learn about one another. This time make sure you are compatible before taking it to the next level/remain in it for a long duration.
Believe you me, most women will let you KNOW if she likes intimacy/sex sooner than later.............. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:05:08 PM | First of all, she is in the "minority" of women... All the women I know love sex...
Bringing up sex in the initial stages with your dates will make them think it's all about sex and nothing else... Just assume that they like it... When it's the right time for you to consumate the relationship with your future gf's, I'm sure you'll know... As far as your last LTR, this should have been "nipped in the bud" (excuse the pun) in the first couple months (not years later)... If she had a bad experience in her life, she should have been seeking counseling and you, as her ltr, should have supported her in this - not just accept it... | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:48:33 PM |
If she had a bad experience in her life, she should have been seeking counseling and you, as her ltr, should have supported her in this - not just accept it...
She told me she had been to therapy for it, and that it didn't help. We even came to the point where she said she was going to go again, and I said I'd go with her if it would help. But she never got around to going. Don't assume that I just accepted it as it was. Things didn't get better, and we aren't together anymore. I certainly don't think I did anything wrong by being there for her, and loving her enough to stick by her side for two years trying to make it work. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:50:10 PM | Easy, If we are not sexually active by at least the 4 to 5 date, it's goodbye baby. But usually the sparks are flying high on the first and second date. Now, a lot of women are more sexually active at the beginning and then taper off as the honey moon effect wears off. I personally do not like that and have call them on them or simply dropped them. Fortunately right now I am in a relationship in which she has a bigger libido than me. So each day gets better and better.
So what is important is not so much how much sex you have, but how your sexual drives match each other. If they don't you are going to have a hard time. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:22:08 PM | First, I think you need to take a moment to understand why you were so attracted to her and fell in love with her.
It could well be because she was broken. If that is the case, there may be a particular reason you seek out someone you think you can fix, heal... be her savior or super hero. Like, if you can do this for her she will love you forever and ever. I've known many, many men like this.
It's hard for me to imagine someone as you described not having huge, red flags sticking out from every pore. Her problem isn't sexual but one of trust and intimacy - sex is just the way it is manifested. For many, sex is all about trust.
This should have been apparent in every interaction you had. Did she hold your hand in public? Did she cuddle up to you at the movies or on the couch while just relaxing? Did she ever, once initiate touch? When you were alone, how much distance was between you and she. Did you cuddle in bed even though there was no sex? Did you share intimacies not associated with sex or did she avoid them altogether afraid that even the simplest of gestures would lead to something sexual?
How can you tell if a woman enjoys a normal sex life? Ask yourself if the woman you are interested in is sensual. Does she enjoy being touched (now, I don't mean in a sexual manner.. but a hand on the shoulder, thigh, a light rub down the back). Does she shy away from you when you get physically close to her (in her space) or does she reciprocate and get closer to you. Does she flirt with you. Do you catch her checking out your body. Does she initiate touch. When she catches you checking her out does she look you in the eye and smile or try to get far, far away from you?
Pay attention to body language when it come to sexuality. That will tell you all you need to know without needing to directly ask.
Now, that is not to say that once you do decide to become intimate with another you should rely solely on body language because communication in obviously necessary. But initially, body language can tell you a lot. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:58:31 PM |
This should have been apparent in every interaction you had. Did she hold your hand in public? Did she cuddle up to you at the movies or on the couch while just relaxing? Did she ever, once initiate touch?
We did all of these things. She would initiate affection all the time: kissing, holding hands in public, hugging, putting her arm around me, sitting up next to me while we watched TV on the couch... even the first time we "made out", she initialized that. And then after about two months of being together, it ALL stopped, and THAT is when she told me about her past. I didn't walk into a relationship knowing she was like that. She completely kept it from me until AFTER I was emotionally involved with her - it was like she finally had me, so she didn't have to keep up the "charade" anymore. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:12:22 PM |
And I am scared to death that even though it's unlikely, the next relationship I walk in to will be the same
Yet... you weren't abused.
Just imagine, if you can, how a woman must feel when she/they were abused. Then multiply/magnify the psychological effect for each and every time she was abused... in trusting relationships.
Personally, I could never hold that as a burden against any woman.
I think posting a thread with concern about "gettin' some" sheds a little more light on your priorities. As well, I don't think it is very considerate to post such a thread about her, without her consent.
That's not very nice, in my opinion. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 4:03:15 PM |
Poster, then in the future...find out about the lady's past BEFORE you get "invested"
Then maybe I should post a question about how to do that before I get two months into the relationship.
Wait a second, I guess I DID, and we are in that thread now. Hmm.
Personally, I could never hold that as a burden against any woman.
So, I guess I should just have accepted being with someone who didn't like to kiss, hug, hold hands, cuddle, have sex, say "I love you", and not even consider the fact that I need those things out of a relationship. Is that what you're telling me? I should have just compromised what *I* want out of a relationship, because she was hurt in the past? Well guess what... I tried that for two years, and it didn't work.
How did this turn into me being on the stand? I stood by her for two years trying to make our relationship work, SHE decided she didn't want to keep trying to make it with the only man who was ever actually good to her, and I'M being accused of not being considerate and compassionate enough? You've got to be f*cking KIDDING me! | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 4:42:09 PM |
If we are not sexually active by at least the 4 to 5 date, it's goodbye baby.
Damn, if this is the new standard now, I guess I'll stay single for the rest of my life. I need more than four or five dates to build up enough trust with someone. People who are that eager to get sexual so early on may miss out on some great potential relationships if they bail because sex didn't happen soon enough for them.
OP, I hope you ex will try therapy again. I was sexually molested too as a child and it's still affecting me to this day.
N. | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:04:56 PM | | You cant tell and I dont think you can ask. All you can do is invest time in a relationship and see what happens. There is never a guarantee on whether a relationship works but you do need to listen to your instincts and see whats going on. Someone mentioned about checking underlying issues such as a past of rape, violence and unhealthy relationships etc I dont believe people ho have gone through this sort of thing should be ruled out of having relationships at all. Some people like sex, some are not keen etc thats just the way it is! | |
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| Finding out if a woman likes sex
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:11:39 PM | | Well I for one would simply ask the next potential partner up front - if this is something you have to deal with - with them! Tell them your experience and say you are not prepared to be in that situation again! An understanding woman who is attracted to you will understand why you are asking and not get bent out of shape! Sexual stress 0r incompatability is not what most of us are seeking! | |
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