| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:12:19 PM | My ex-wife has been dating a guy for awhile, since we split really 2+ years, and initially we agreed that we would keep our kids seperate from our dating life. As her relationship became more serious that changed for her (understandably), and now she is planning on moving in w/ him.
Problem for me is I'm 2000 miles away and only get to see my kids once every 6 weeks and summers. I have been my kids rock in thier life from the day they were born. It tears me up to think of some other man spending more time with my kids than I can. Taking them places, doing things with them! It furiates me acutally! It would be so much easier I guess If lived in the same state. I would move back if I could, but I can't there are no jobs there! I've debated back and forth about custody/parenting time change, but in all honestly the shoe would just be on the other foot at some point!
I'm so frustrated. I talk to them everynight, and remind them over and over again that I love them, and I'm their only dad. I believe they know this, but the time with them that I don't have is whats getting to me | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:23:42 PM | Hiya,
I really feel for you. It cant be easy. I cant even begin to think how I would feel if my daughter lived her dad and his gf and I would be 2000 miles away.
You say you cant move back there as there are no jobs. But surely there hasto be something. Even if its not in the same town.
Other than moving back there, there isnt much you can do. Atleast you see them every 6 weeks etc and phone them everyday. But if it was me, I would be moving closer... | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/30/2008 4:12:44 PM | | Try and put yourself aside and think if it's good for the kids. If he's a good person perhaps it they can benefit from having him in their lives. I for one would not want an x living with someone and prefer they get married to set a good example for the children. Good luck with this. I'm sure the feelings are difficult to cope with. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:32:01 PM | not much u can do, except be happy if in fact the guy is a good dude; the minute u decide not to be w/ur ex u left the door open to someone else being around and raising your children, she cant be expected to not move on..just like she can't expect u to stop ur life.
it ucks but its reality; i just hope he is a good guy and is a plus for the kids, i could be in ur boat in the future..but i accept cus i want her ma and her to be happy. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:24:46 AM | | Maybe you need to change your perspective slightly. If your visitation has not changed, then it sounds like your children's lives are benefiting. If they are getting a more grounded life, then it will be good for them in the long run. They will always love you and know that you are their Dad. It has to be hard, but if you see that it is bettering their life then maybe it will help ease the pain. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:07:24 AM | Just keep in mind OP...that whatever happens in life...you will always be Dad...and you will always be number 1 to them.
Here's the thing about when step-parents come into the picture...people feel as if they're either "taking over" or as if they're competition...they arent.
Partially you need to change your mindset on this and see it for what it really is.
ie. just someone who's helping out for you ... as opposed to against you.
They are just as important as any other supportive role in a child's life...like a teacher, scout leader...whatever...and you arent feeling threatened by any of them because you know their role is supportive.
Its honestly the same thing.
It really doesnt matter that you're 2000miles away...you could be living next door and still have the exact same feelings.
Seeing them every 6 weeks and summers and talking to them every night is what counts.
ie. being a stable influence in their life... and that's what they'll remember you for as they grow older rather than feeling abandoned by you.
When it comes to Adult/Child relationships...WE are the adults and its up to us to maintain that bond. Thats what you're doing.
Give the kids a little credit for their Love for you and your own skills in being a decent reliable father who loves them just as much.
My kids...have a step-mum they see fairly frequently...amazing women, the same as me in many aspects and yet totally different...she is simply another tool to help teach my children other qualities/circumstances than what I am...cos I cant teach them "everything"...am glad to have her as part of my kids lives and am happy to entrust them to her when they are not with me.
When/if the day comes that my children feel they cannot turn to me or their Dad at a moment in their lives...rather than feel lost/lonely/confused...I hope they turn to her cos she's the next best thing...to me. | |
|
| |
pk66
|
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 8 | |
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:58:07 AM | | Kyn gave you great advice but one thing I would add to it is -- you should sit down and talk to your ex and her friend. He maybe just a frightened as you are. You all need to be a team when it comes to raising the children. In the long run it is all about the children and how it will affect their lives. And as Kyn said it could be the best th ing that ever happened to them. Embrace it and join forces!! | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:52:34 PM | I guess you hope to hell that the man is a good man and worry more about that than how you feel.
You said there are no jobs where she is but there has to be something closer than 2000 miles, so you make a sacrifice and change your life for what is important or stop biatching about it, period.
Other than that, you do what you can to remain close but living so far away is a choice and it is not a matter of the other guy, it is you, so stop directing the anger toward a place it doesn't belong.
My stepson's mother hated me, particularly after we got custody of my stepson, but she has become a friend of sorts and even though my stepson is more than 800 miles away, my daughter has spent the weekend with she and her husband. I think she finally grew to appreciate that I loved her kid too.
Kyn is right, no one is going to replace you and the whole thing will be easier for everybody if you stop thinking of the other guy as competition but as just another good adult in your childrens' lives. More resources to help navigate this difficult world we live in. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:39:25 AM | | As I stated before it's just not that simple as moving back or closer. Not having a job is only ONE factor. My boys are 9 years old right now and me and their mother have agreed that when they turn 11 they can choose who they want to live with, so I have agreed not to go through a custody battle, and accept the limited time I have untill then. Don't know about you, but I grew up with BOTH parents in the house and couldn't fathom for one second what it would be like to not be able to see one of my parents or have a step parent. All I can go by is the WAY I FEEL. I'm not biatching one bit! Just highly frustrated having been in my kids life constantly since the day they were born, and now not being able to see them when I want. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:59:30 AM | Your posts here discuss a lot what YOU want, but not much about what your kids want or what's good for them. For instance, these nightly phone calls where you reassure them that "I'm their only dad" sounds more about reassuring YOU of your importance - that's reassurance that is inappropriate for kids to give and should come internally - than about encouraging them, who may be confused, to love all the adults in their lives. This isn't a competition between adults; it should be a team effort to give the kids all the resources and love - including explicitly "permitting" them to love stepparents; kids look to birth parents for such permission! - that's around them.
You've taken a good first step in admitting that you feel insecure about your role and value. Now, maybe get some online, group, book, or therapeutic advice to help you take the reassurance burden off of your kids and instead get your ego stoked in healthier ways? So that you can better help your kids accept their stepparent's love?
Good luck to you! | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:06:47 AM | | I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago. I got my own apartment, and she stayed in the one we used to share. I would have my babies when she worked, and every weekend. I knew she was seeing someone, but she was vague on the details. One day I go on public court access to check my record, and I findout I'm being sued by the management company of the apartment I shared with her. Turns out she didn't pay rent ever after I moved out! No naturally I called her to find out if she needed a place to live, or if she needed me to take the children for awhile, so she could get her ducks in a row. That's when I found out, she had been living with another guy for two months, with my children. I was livid, talk about being betrayed. We also agreed to keep our dating seperate. I guess once their behind your back doing stuff, they stay there till they get caught! Not only that, she refuses to let me meet him, or know where my children live. Guess she's afraid I'll kick his ass or something. We do get along, we're parents first and foremost, and we haven't lost sight of that. She is an awesome mother, so I've learned to trust her judgement. Sometimes your hands are tied, and you just have to concentrate on the big picture. Don't be afraid to question your kids about his or her character, just be tactful, cuz kids repeat everything! | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/4/2008 1:09:29 PM | thanks for the encouraging words!
I should clarify that do not talk to my chidren on a daily basis just to remind them who their dad is. I talk to them everynight before they go to bed because we miss each other, and it's the best we can do right now. I need to be in their lives on a daily basis at any form, and vice versus. They have trouble sleeping if they dont' talk to me, just as I use to read them bedtime stories everynight for 8 years. We both (all) have gotten used to the bedtime routine. | |
|
| When do you get over your kids living w/ another man/women?
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:54:19 PM | | OK don't get me wrong here and all this maybe far easier for me because I live close to my ex and have my boys 3-4 nights a week but when I read your post it seems to be all about you and how hard it is for you. Well this is going to be one of the millions of times in their lives when you have no choice but to swallow your own feelings and put on the dad hat. Time should make it easier and to be fair to them you'll have to try your best to accept it. I know it's hard and I do have all the sympathy in the world for your situation primarily because someday I may have the same issue to face and I've thought about how I'd feel when there was another man in my sons lives. We can only hope that we can not let our feelings strain what both our relationship with our children and their relationship with their other parents significant other. | |
|
Home
login 
