| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:48:36 PM | i'm not intending to seek pity. i just need an outlet to get it off my mind and this felt like the only place i could get it out.
well, i went to see it. the BIG movie. the one i couldn't wait to see. the one my bff of ten years called and said she wanted to see with me (i had planned to go alone) and leave her man and son at home for. i bought the tix 2 weeks ahead, excited she remembered how much i loved the show and told her not to worry about paying me back as it could be an early b-day present. her and i have been through everything.
i've been having a bad week as i re-connected with some people from high school to discover that they are either engaged, married, in a serious relationship and most with kids. it dawned on me just how lonely i was and that i haven't had a special someone in 2 years. which is odd because i've always been happy being the definition of the independant woman. i absolutely love it. i called my bff crying over it the other night, feeling vulnerable (she's the only one i can do it with). i told her how it is becoming exhausting justifying my singledom, paying for everything alone and not really having anyone to share anything with...especially now that her and her boyfriend live together. for the record, i don't begrudge her happiness or situation. i just feel alone.
anyhow, we agreed to meet up at the theatre. i was there on time. she was not. i began getting the stares from people with pity that i was being stood up by a guy. i kept calling her cell to no avail. finally, she arrives...with her boyfriend in tow. i had a let down feeling. i adore her boyfriend as he truly is one of the few great men out there. the situation made me feel worse just as i was coming out of it. there i was, on date night at the movies...the third wheel...at a movie that is all about friendship. i sat through the whole thing and loved it, but felt like a tool. i didn't want to cry during the corny parts. i felt like crying during the parts where the girls friendship were highlighted. i held it all in. when the movie was over i couldn't get out of the theatre fast enough. i walked to my car. alone. she told me her plans for the weekend, etc., but i just had to get away. i bawled on the drive home. i don't want to tell her how i feel because i know it'll cause a rift for a while and i know it's such a silly thing to be so upset over. i can't imagine that if the situation had been reversed that i would have done something like that to her. i can't remember ever bringing my guy along in the past while she was single when we had "girly" plans. especially if she had called me a couple of days before crying about being alone. i know she didn't intend to flaunt her relationship and happiness in my face but that's how it felt.
ok i'm done now. i just had to let that out. i'm sorry if people take this as a pity post. it's not the intention. i just had to get it out. thanks! | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 2 | |
| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:47:23 PM | Hmmmm...maybe you ought to drop the "Vicious" part of the name...seems the softer side of you is becoming more of who you are.
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:54:09 PM | | I feel for you. There is almost nothing worse than having a miserable dating life and then have your girlfriend turn into an insensitive jerk. I would have cried all the way home too. And she did this on Sex and the City night!! OMG! I have no doubt that this gal pal is running a karmic deficit, to be balanced later. I went to see that movie by myself so that no one could spoil it for me. It was grand! I've been where you are many times and likely will face more of that. I recommend that you go see that movie "exquisitely" alone, armed with Godiva Chocolate ASAP to erode the bad memories of your friend spoiling it for you. Remember, it's times like the one you just experienced that you have to ask yourself (as you dry your tears), "What Would Samantha Do"? | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:58:11 PM | I don't think you wrong to be upset. Everybody wants to be somebodys someone sometime(I think thats a song). She was probably pretty happy about her own life with the b/f and didn't stop to realize what it was you needed from her. Guys deal with this on a regular basis.
I guess a little upfront communication, or some subtle hints could have worked to your advantage, but keep your chin up. I'm sure you're happy for her as you don't strike me as a vindictive person.
You're in a rut and you'll pull yourself out. The only reason you're alone is that you haven't found anyone whose worthy of you! Take care. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:14:54 AM | I went alone on purpose so I didn't have to listen to any of my friends talk thru it....I am a big fan, and I wanted to watch it uninterrupted.
One of the reasons I don't necessarily make plans with friends for things like that is a lot of them aren't on time, can't go when I can go, have more going on than I do and inviting them makes for a bigger deal than it should be..that goes for clubs, bars and restaurants too.
In a theatre the activity is to watch and not talk anyway, so I never found it necessary to go with anyone else to one, but for all people know, you're a movie critic or just like movies as a hobby. I guarantee you very few people pay as much attention to others as you think...and from what I saw and heard about this movie, not many men are going to see it anyway unless they are getting dragged by a girlfriend.
I think it was wrong for your friend to do this without telling you, but when people are all into someone like that, they seldom look past their own little world to realize something might be offending someone else.
In any event, don't let a lack of SO or good friend stop you from living your life and doing what you want to do. You keep doing things on your own when you can't rely on friends and their schedules and eventually like me - you'll prefer your own company because it's so much simpler.
And then one day when you're paying no attention, alone somewhere enjoying something, you'll bump into some cute guy doing the same thing...and it might turn into something big... | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:42:26 AM | eazk
i'll NEVER drop the "vicious" from my name...i may have my soft moments, but they are VERY few and far between. 
djchickie401
i agree with all you wrote. i am pretty much a loner even though i am quite social. and you're right, life is so much less complicated. i hear people talk about their relationship and marital problems and i feel a sense of relief! i gave up a long time ago on finding a guy period. i hid my profile and mainly cruise through here for the forums. my focus is seriously on me. everyone has their moments though and mine happened last night. i cry maybe once a year if that...i'm good for the rest of 2008 now!
the movie was pretty great wasn't it? i think the charlotte moments were the best! | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 7 | |
| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:15:34 PM | Hey, OP -- I don't blame you one bit for being upset! I'm sorry that happened, and I'm glad that you went ahead and saw THE movie anyway. I hope that after a little bit of time has passed, you can go back and really remember the best parts of it. I just got back from seeing it, and I agree with you -- I loved the parts with Charlotte! She is so funny, and I really got a kick out of her line she had in store when she saw Big again -- "I curse the day you were born!"
I did go with a female friend of mine, but luckily we are just enough alike that we were able to sit, watch it, and make no comments at all to each other. We thought that the movie was in fact the finale that "should have been" to the TV show. I'm interested to see what others think. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:57:52 PM | ok...
let me start off by saying that i understand that women are emotional creatures and that you probably really genuinely feel the way you do.
but pull yourself together lady, seriously.
youre pissed off because your friend almost flaked (but didnt) and brought her bf to something you understandably assumed would be a girl thing. but when you really look at it, she didnt do anything wrong and actually took you out to a movie . but you still feel pissed and victimized... so how can you rationalize it?
classic generalized female excuse for any irrational behavior: i've had a bad day/week/experience/life
so what made your week so bad? you noticed that all of your friends were in relationships and the social pressure and stigma of being single (with a dash of jealousy for taste) made you uncomfortable. you framed conveniences like relationship freedom and not having to pay for two people or deal with another person's crap as a bad thing and decided you were lonely. youre EXHAUSTED justifying your being single when you really shouldnt be giving a shit what other people think to begin with.
all of this is COMPLETELY in your head, as was the "looks of pity" that the people at the theatre were giving you. those people were strangers, lady. they most likely didnt care one way or the other what you were doing there.
she didnt do anything wrong by bringing her boyfriend to a movie she was paying for. she didnt flaunt her relationship. she didnt violate girl code. you were just feeling shitty. but all of those negative feelings were on your side of the table.
so pull yourself together and count your blessings. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:07:09 PM | | I can understand your upset. If I made plans with a mate for last night with my female friend and she turned up with her bf in tow i wouldnt be pleased either, I dont need to watch them coo over eachother etc I want to spend some time with a mate and I dot need to play gooseberry. However your friend was multi tasking. She wanted to be with her bf and didnt want to let you down. Sure bit patronising to you and I wouldnt like it done to me but thats how I see it. Personally Id tell me fiend not to do it again and if she doesnt have time for me then her and bf can stick to eachother like glue cos I wont be made a thrid spoke to her wheel x | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:14:52 PM | You gave up on finding a bf but we don't know your age so it's hard to pass judgement which takes all the fun out of the forums. Why not hide your pic so we still can check out those things.
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:30:15 PM | you don't need pity, you need to be "carefrontation" with your bff. it was her big idea to do this in the first place, and then she blindsides you by bringing hubby along without notice to you . is this is the kind of behavior a best friend should exhibit? this is the kind of thing i'd expect from an insensitive male, not my best female friend. as in any relationship, communication is key. don't be accusatory, put it in "I" terms (i felt funny that you changed our plans without letting me know). be what a true friend is, someone open and honest and not afraid to say what they think and feel. she needs this feedback from you; without it, you'll be resentful and this resentment may spill out in other ways, ways which may be inappropriate and confusing to her. she may then think it's because you are jealous she has found a special one and you haven't, and this is far from the truth.
clear this thing up asap, before it becomes the issue that ends your friendship. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:41:45 PM | Sorry but boyfriendless doesn't mean leper. The whole point of the movie was to be who you are comfortable being. Validation for:
1.Wanting the protected & secure legal contract of marriage , plus the fairytale wedding.
2.Never setteling down, being stylish, & having a hot new romance forever more.
3.a stable child-rearing environment, with disregard to outside socio-economic boundaries.
4. Perfection that always includes crappin your pants once ina while.
5. Whatever you need to do to be happy.
Moral: Never make your own sushi...it's best left to the experts. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:59:50 PM | OP,
Don't feel bad. I am going to see the movie by myself or I may see it with a co-worker of mine who is like myself, single/no kids. Those should have probably been your options. Your friend is a single mom, and I am assuming that her boyfriend is NOT her childs father and she probably feels that she has to spend every waking moment with him in order not to lose him. Single Moms are not good friends for Single Women with no kids.
Just keep being a beautiful independent woman and do not have children until you are married to a great guy! | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:48:35 PM | 'Single Moms are not good friends for Single Women with no kids.'
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you always make such blatant "blanket statements" about people? Generalizations like that are completely unfair to single mothers. Nor do all single mothers cling to b/f's out of fear they will lose them. Perhaps speaking within your own experience and NOT putting such a stereotype on single moms would be beneficial.
OP ~ I've had this happen to me before, where the girlfriend makes plans and then shows up with other people that you had no clue were coming. Communication is the key to this not happening again. Now, I make sure they clearly understand if i want one on one time and they respect knowing up front. I specifically ask them NOT to invite anyone else because I need that connection time with them. It works well for everyone and there isn't any discomfort or resentment afterwards.
I hope all is well and you & your friend were able to discuss everything that happened and resolve how it made you feel. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 8:05:32 PM | she didnt do anything wrong by bringing her boyfriend to a movie she was paying for. she didnt flaunt her relationship. she didnt violate girl code. you were just feeling shitty. but all of those negative feelings were on your side of the table.
so pull yourself together and count your blessings.
ok...you didn't read the post correctly...I PAID FOR OUR TICKETS! and i have pulled myself together. i also posted another time that i never get like this and i also put in my original post that i am aware it was just me being silly and that it wasn't her intention to make me feel bad. also, i am from a VERY small and friendly city and i was getting the "she's getting stood up" stares from a few people. even today, now that i'm looking at it more rationally, i know what i saw. after talking to my "married/in relationship/engaged" friends, etc. today, i'm definitely not, nor have i ever been jealous of people's relationships or happiness (i think everyone i know had a bad week! LOL). everyone has their weak moments and i'm entitled to mine. this was honestly the only outlet i had at the time i wrote it. believe me, i do not get like that. anyone who actually knows me would have been floored at what i wrote or that i was capable of shedding a tear! 99% of the time i'm very logical, pragmatic and emotionally, i'm geared more like a man. i just had to get it out of my system. (if you are familiar with sex and the city, i'm exactly like the miranda character and my bff is just like carrie!) besides, seriously, what the he!! would you know about "girl code"?? also, she was the one who made the statement that this was supposed to be a girls night out.
ummm...my age is in my profile...all you have to do is read it.
everything with her and i are fine...she woke me up early this morning but was smart enough to bring coffee! and her being a single mom has never affected our friendship...i'm her son's godmother and have always been there for them as she is basically family...it's never crossed my mind that her having a child could be an issue because it just isn't. thanks for the posts though everyone! very much appreciated. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:52:04 PM |
let me start off by saying that i understand that SOME women are emotional creatures and that you probably really genuinely feel the way you do.
Just hadda fix that.
she didnt do anything wrong by bringing her boyfriend to a movie she was paying for. she didnt flaunt her relationship. she didnt violate girl code. you were just feeling shitty. but all of those negative feelings were on your side of the table.
IMO, bringing your bf/husband to something you have planned with a friend is the same as bringing a friend to something you have planned with your SO/husband. The point is it wasn't what was agreed upon. Why collide two worlds?
And yes, I identify more with Miranda and Samantha than Charlotte and Carrie...is it obvious?
And yes to the posters above - Charlotte cracks me up, especially what I call her "smelled a fart" face - she makes it anytime someone says something offensive or weird, or she's uncomfortable (that mouthful of water in the shower, for instance). She's priceless....loved the movie - exactly what I wanted from the writers and actors. Can't wait for the DVD. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:29:09 PM | HEY!!!! If you are going to reply to the OP, please be sure you really read what they wrote. SHE paid for the tickets NOT the friend. So many men do this same thing. You just don't listen to what is being said....Sheesh!
I have been in the same situation and I understand what it felt like. You just don't change plans that are set without , at least, letting someone know. Of course we are emotional beings and men should remember to be also.
Don't go making her out to be a "bad guy" 'cause she wanted to vent. Maybe you should get over yourself instead. How would you know about "girl code" anyway? You apparently don't even understand about good manners. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:07:34 PM | Ugh, I'm so sorry that sounds absolutely awful. If she's really into her boyfriend, it probably didn't cross her mind that Sex and the City night with her single and lonely girlfriend is not the time to bring the beau along. I've found with many couples, you have to request the SO not be present or they assume it's ok. Especially if you're on friendly terms with him. I would have assumed going to see Sex and the City was a "chick function", but it's clear your friend did not. I've had friends do things that are similar and have learned to just say what the goal of the evening is. "I want to eat hot wings and drink stout with my girlfriends. No boys allowed." I find it prevents misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
I went to see it with my sister, and found it fun if a little too glamorous. Strangely enough, I prefer early Sex and the City when the girls were grittier. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:13:36 AM | I went alone to see it too, my closest girlfriends were all working so I caught the early show (at noon - theatre was PACKED hah) , I feel for ya , I don't think you're bedgrudging her happiness , it would have been nice had she had the courtesy to realize it might not have been the best outing to bring her boyfriend to.
She knew you were feeling down about being single ,knew that seeing the movie together would probably make you feel better, yet she brought the guy. Nothing against the guy , or her for that matter, it's just one of those things *I* probably wouldn't do. I would have just explained to my boyfriend (if I had one) that my friend kinda needed some girl time and that I could catch up with him after the movie.....
on the upside, it was a great movie!! | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:15:31 AM | This was very insensitive of her and I feel bad for you. You two made plans. You were kind enough to pay for her tickets and you called her upset about not having someone(we all go through that at times so it is normal). So she shows up late, brings her b/f who is uninvited and when she knows you are feeling a little bad for being single. That is nerve and she is selfish. I am sorry, but she is. If me and my friends have plans I do not bring anyone with me unless it is indicated that I can bring someone. She sounds like a person who has two favorite words 'I' and 'me.'
I hope she apologizes to you. Then again, she probably cannot see what she has done wrong.
~Carrie | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:42:22 AM | It's hard being single at times because it seems like everyone else is happy in their relationships. Your friend should have at least warned you that she was bringing her boyfriend. But I wouldn't hesitate to tell her how you felt. If she's a good friend, she will understand. I've been in situations where friends have brought their boyfriends along when we had dinner plans, and it totally ruined it for me too. I have never brought a boyfriend along like that, at least not without clearing it first. It's sad when people can't leave their significant others' side long enough to spend quality time with friends.
It seems like you're really down about being single right now, and that's normal. Everyone goes through that. Just remember, your friends might be in relationships but they have their worries as well. Relationships aren't stress-free, in fact I find I'm more stressed out when I have a boyfriend. Enjoy your single time, and don't be afraid to tell your friends that you want girl time. | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:53:14 AM | | well when she showed up the morning after and woke me up (with coffee thank god!), we talked for about 2 hours (about how her relationship with him right now isn't 100%). she really was oblivious that i didn't want him there...she's blonde LOL (no offence to anyone) it was her who made the blonde comment! it is a trivial thing in the big picture...just felt like a big deal at the time. thanks for the support gals! (and a guy or 2) | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:35:28 PM | I'm sorry that happened to you OP, a girls night out is a GIRLS night out. She could have at least called you the day prior (or at any time plans were made between the TWO of you) and say, hey, IS IT OK if I bring Bob (whatever his name is) along?
With that, I would have said, what part of 'girls night out' didn't you get? Did Bob have a sex change?
This reminds me of an episode of The Real Wives of NYC on Bravo...just happened to catch it when the GIRLS were planning a dinner party - THE GIRLS - and one of them had the audacity (sp) to bring her spouse along because they don't do anything apart. One of the other 'wives', Ramona, went off on her when she walked in w/her husband.
Granted she went a little overboard in her temper tantrum but she had a valid point, this was GIRLS NIGHT out. He was a buzzkill to her because she just wanted some time with her g/friends to do what we do best!
Next time your g/f tells you her husband is going out w/the guys....tell her you and her are going along too...since women time/men time don't matter and all are welcome. Oh yeah, and you're bringing your little dog Toto too! | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:03:25 PM | OP,
Your story sounded eerily family to me, so I relayed it to a friend of mine. Here is how she responded:
"OMg ok seriously I felt like I was reading something I could have written. Ok seriously that freaked me out. I feel the need to write to her actually. I totally understand I mean it is exactly how I was feeling towards Jane (not her real name) awwww I want to be her friend:)"
We're planning a girl's movie night out this Saturday to watch the same movie, and we've actually discussed the possibility of "Jane" bringing her boyfriend along!! My friend is not a member of POF, but would like to send you an email, if you're interested (if you'd like to email me privately)
Cheers | |
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| sex and the city and a date...
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:21:06 PM | | Sounds like I will wait to see this movie at home when it comes out on video - so I can have a good cry! I too have been blown off by two very close friends for their BF's. Sometimes women are so stupid to do that - 'cause when they need a shoulder to cry on over them - they come running back to the girly friendships! | |
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