| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:01:42 PM | Does it scare you off if you find out (early in a relationship) that your partner has a serious illness? even one not so serious, but enough to disrupt daily living.
ie:- cancer, aids, hiv, hepatitis, cystic fibrosis, motor neuron disease, diabetes mellitus, ect. even a mental illness such as depression.
mine is cancer, it's not contagious, i didn't do anything to get and there is no "cure"
turns out mine is reoccuring but thankfully due to close monitoring it's not likely to be life threatening. however i may lose my reproductive organs.
i know i have an other post - unsre should i tell? that is asking when should i tell someone but it got me wondering ,which is why i want to know would it scare you off? | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:40:59 PM | shouldnt scare people off if youre this open about it, I mean ya gotta keep living, I'm physically disabled and a ton of girls have shown tons of interest in conversation then I let them know and they disappear, ya got character and that's priceless
if they're scared f u c-k 'em they don't know how real life works ;) | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:48:43 PM | I do not know of anyone who would be scared off by that no.
However, if it was something that might prematurely end you're life (as in within a year or two), I do know of a friend who stopped dating a girl he really liked because he didn't want to "lose" her...I never really followed that logic totally but...yeah...
Granted you might get someone uncomfortable with your illness, get over-pityed...I guess just treated differetly in general...handled with kid-gloves maybe. I used to work in a hositipal and I know some people can't handle being around people with serious illnesses....or nonserious illnesses. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:56:09 PM | Ok - not a guy - but hon, I've read your posts and I just want to hug you... 
I'm not sure how to answer your questions, but can I tell you a story? My sis has a chronic disease and while not immediately fatal, she was told to live her life to the fullest and not expect to grow old. She also can no longer have children due to the disease. She was single when she found all this out - but she has since found an AMAZING guy (with children who does not want any more kids) who knows all this, is incredibly supportive and loves her to bits. Those guys are out there.
Should you tell him? Yes, at some point. Will it scare some guys off? Probably some. If it scares them off though, they are not for you.
Have confidence in your value as a woman and a mate (I'm not saying that you don't have that confidence - but when it shows, it will shine through) and you will find your perfect match... but like the rest of us... you may have to kiss some toads first. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:41:33 PM | thank you for the hug, and I am a very confident person under normal conditions. lol.
i brought my own house.
i have a new car
i have a carer
and i've done it all myself.
i just now want some one to share it with | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:52:58 PM | I can say that I dont have an illness...anymore. I was however, diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer when I was 24 and thru lots of treatment and a couple surgeries I am now okay. Some risk of cancer coming back in other organs/body parts though. Needless to say because of this I ended up having a total hysterectomy...lucky I had my son before hand (but thats another great story). I have found that men my age are looking to settle down and have a family of their own...something I cant give them. I always have this talk near the start of the relationship as I feel honesty is important and I dont want to mislead someone and them fall in love and then I cant give them their ultimate dream. Now I know that there is adoption but being my experience thats not the same with a man as it is with a woman...men tend to want a biological child. So with this said I can say that I have lost some great men over it...I wouldnt say scared them off as we are great friends now just made the concious decision that in the long run we wouldnt be able to make each other happy....if that makes sense.
I would say when you are comfortable tell him.... | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:21:05 AM | Well, many of us will likely get sick at one point, but many don't want to enter relationship when it's already happened if there are other options.
I think this is a thing to tell people once the relationship has progressed, so that the other person can see the real you and make a reasoned judgment. If they are in to you, a little extra handicap or hardship shouldn't spoil anything. I wouldn't bring it up before like the 4th or 5th date.
Losing the ability to reproduce is probably not the biggest selling point because many people want to have their own children. For other guys, though, it might not be a big deal at all.
So the answer is, yeah, it probably isn't going to help you find guys, but it doesn't sound like an insurmountable obstacle either. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:35:29 PM | | I dont think illness in general would scare most people off, but like anything else, ignorance causes issues. If your upfront about what your illness means to a relationship and daily life, I doubt many people would see a problem with it. I could, however, envision turmoil over communicable diseases such as AIDS or Hepatitis C. Both have immediate implications on intimacy and child bearing. Also, it would make any individual question past histories as both of these diseases are related to blood transfusion. For example, "was he/she involved in unprotected sex with multiple partners" , " did he/she live an unsanitary lifestyle which caused infection (ie Hepatitis contraction through razor/nail clipper sharing)", or " was he/she very overweight, and what are the chances of this occurring again (ie diabetes) ". I by no means discriminate against people combating illness, but these are the types of issues that could arise in the average populous. In your specific case, I wouldn't worry about it. The only small obstacle revolves around the potential loss of your reproductive organs, but alot of men out there have no aspiration to father children in the first place. Im definitely one of them haha. All the best to you and your endeavors, and I hope that good health is right around the corner. Take care. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:41:14 PM | | It shouldn't scare a guy off but at the same time it shouldn't be a bombshell dropped out of no where. Be up front about it. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:58:48 PM | I would never date anyone with AID or an STD that is viral and still there. Mental Illness is such a crock I think. 79% of mental drugs used int he world are taken in the U.S.
Cancer maybe; it mattered. My friend was dating someone that was terminal and eventually he asked her to leave when he got really sick. There wasn't a future and he didnt' want her to wait around for him to pass away.
If you are terminal it will take a special person. What you are asking it to be with me and it may or may not be life threatening. You are also saying I probably can't have kids.
It will scare many off. If you dont make it the core of who you are you should slowly let him know. There is no right or wrong answer. You also have to read the room; one guy may not care right away, some will fell overwhelmed if you say it too soon. Good luck. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:37:30 PM | | i can't say for sure as i've never come accross a situation like this... BUT... i would say maybe there afraid to grow too close to someone who may possibly have their days cut considerably short... | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:44:07 PM | | You deserve respect and the admiration of all, through your illness you have shown strength and courage. I can only assume those whom you become close with can only feel the warmth and strength to truly live as you. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:37:16 PM | So I'm just wondering...
I know I'm in a complicated situation when it comes to dating. The man I was last dating(and very serious- engaged but without a ring pretty much) died. I'm trying to start to meet new people (not date but just talk with them) but I'm not sure how to do it without scaring them away. I want them to know the situation im in because I'm still very attached to him and his family (as I always will be). I obviously want to be respectful of the guy im with - I dont want them to feel second best to Jeremy (passed on) but I also need them to be respectful of me and the situation? How do I start dating and explain this and not scaring u boys off.... | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:33:43 PM | | I wouldn't be scared off, I would just not be able to deal with it again. I've already lost my mother to cancer and I never want to go through that ever again. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:39:55 PM | | Lonekthx- I'm interested in what you mean when you write "i would just not be able to deal with it again" | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:40:54 PM | | and nevermind... sorry I thought I was in a different one of my forums when I read that.. So sorry to hear about your mom; I love my dad as well as my boyfriend I understand the pain. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:02:45 PM | | i'd say that if it scares a guy off, then he's obviously not the guy for you. Done. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:04:45 PM | Lonekthx
So sorry about your mother, noone should have to be without thier mum.
And I can understand why you wouldn't want to go through that again, nor should you have to.
I don't even like to ask my friends or family to help me get through this, again (don't know if i mentioned this is my 2nd time round.) as I know how much it pains them. I'd hate to think of the effects it would have on my child if I had one.
And thank you to the others for your honesty, and well wishes. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:17:19 PM |
Posted By: nurse bubbles on 6/2/2008 12:07:27 AM
Subject: do you get scared off?
Got that too. Even have elctrical tape if the gray duct tape doesn't match her top. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:00:39 AM | ohhhhh - you even think about co-ordernation.  thats just lovely. | |
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| do you get scared off?
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:21:55 AM | A cancer that is not life threatening would not have any effect on whether or not I would date someone. If I met someone with something life threatening, I would have to think VERY carefully about entering a relationship with them knowing they may not be around very long. Setting yourself up for heartbreak, you know?
I think with your cancer, the only men that will be scared away are men who are looking to father children in their future. Knowing that you may not be able to do that could be a deal breaker for some men.
I'm dealing with the same thing right now. I found out a month ago that I had endometrial cancer. Instead of trying to fight it off and risking it spreading, I opted to go through the full hysterectomy. Even at 30 I'm still a little worried that I have limited my dating options to just men who already have children and don't want more or men who do not want children at all. | |
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