| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:32:11 PM | I've met a guy with whom I've had a relationship with twice! On both occasions it lasted for 4 months across a 2 year period. I love him and am truly attracted to him but end up thinking that we want different things from a relationship so call it quits.
The issue is I am really attracted to him, it feels as though as long as there is a spark it will ignite. In this respect it's difficult to move on because we never really talk and discuss things, so nothing is finalised. I tried to finalise things this time and asked him on many occasions to let me know his availability to talk about things so we could work things out once and for all.
During the time we were together he said things like.. you complete me and I'll never love anyone else as much as what i love you.
In my mind, we look at each other and have a definite connection but it appears he doesn't want to invest the same amount of effort into the relationship - so I figure, until he's ready I'm happy to get on with my own life and meet other people.
The only issue with this, is that he sits in the back of my mind as someone I love and miss. I'm not sure how to manage these feelings. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:42:52 PM | I would not trust someone who says that someone else completes them. We are suppose to complete ourselves and our partner is suppose to compliment us.
If it did not work out two times, it is never going to work out. It sounds as though you just need closure because things were not said. Why not mail him a letter with all your feelings. Even if you do not send it, you wrote it down and released all your feelings.
~Carrie | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:23:23 AM |
I would not trust someone who says that someone else completes them. We are suppose to complete ourselves and our partner is suppose to compliment [complement] us.
Carrie, I agree with you analysis, and you have good insight about this situation I believe. But philosophically I find the above only accpetable if it's for a self-made man or woman. If we complete ourselves, we in a way fill in the holes and crevices that need to be filled, and give ourselves the qualities that makes a complete person.
Some others however, need the completion to be done by others. It's like how Arnold Schwartzenegger rebuilt his own arm in the Terminator, but in real life humans need doctors to mend their broken arms.
This arm-example was physical, but it's a transferable allegory, you can apply it to the psychological and spiritual completeness of a person. A robot may be able analyze his spiritual and socian situation; humans need doctors to mend their broken souls. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:25:27 AM | | If he has to quote a Tom Cruise movie that would really turn me off. But seriously I think you are way more invested in this than him. If he hasn't gone farther now I doubt he ever will. You don't want to be strung along longer do you? If he quotes the movie again then you can quote right back, tell him Show Me The Money. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:39:16 AM | Rosyrosyrosy,
Been there, and I would give away anything that reminded me of him, move on to higher plateau...because BEING THERE for him has simply not been "enough" for him...and I've done it, too: you--or should I say ANYONE--never will be "enough"...his issues are deeper, older, unaddressed, and avoided, so he can't offer you nuthin other than either avoidance or resentment.. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:09:28 AM | Rosy,
Been there...dealing with that, and sometimes when your feelings for one person are so strong it does make it hard to meet other's and move forward. What I've found myself doing, and it has helped a bit is to make a list of PROS and CONS. Silly perhaps, but when I made the lists I discovered that there were far more CONS to our relationship than there were PROS. Like you, the man I use to see and I have a clear connection, there is an emotional connection, but the thing is...he's moving in one direction and I'm moving in an other.
I guess the hard part is, when we have spent time together it's always been pleasant, but the time apart has been difficult. I allowed myself to merely focus on the 'good' times vs the 'bad' because I wanted there to be an US. Trouble is, the only time he seemed to have for me is when the boys weren't around or he didn't have other obligations. Now with the better weather approaching fast he has little to no time left on his agenda for me...and even with my hectic schedule I always made time for him. There is no balance to the relationship so I had to step back and say..hold the bus...I need to get off.
It's not a matter of managing the relationship, but ending it. I know he is the one that I want to grow old with, but in my heart I know I do not mean the same to him. I even thought we could just remain friends and it would be okay, but it's not. Now, I've just focused on things that are important to me like my family, my career and my hobbies. It's been hard trying to forget him and move forward, but I take it one baby step at a time. I know I'm doing what's for me, and you are the only person who'll know what is best for you.
You'll only be able to move forward when you let go of the feelings you have for him. As long as you allow yourself to care about him, you'll never be able to let anyone else into your heart. Good luck on whatever you decide to do. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:17:41 AM | Rosy,
When you love someone truly I think you will always love them, in some way, shape or form. But sometimes for a variety of reasons we can't be with those we love. I think it's important to not let your feelings of love convince you that he is "the One" and that you can't love anyone else. You broke up for a reason, and unless those reasons can resolve themselves, you will only put yourself through more pain by repeating past mistakes.
I went through this same stage with an ex 2 years ago, and basically though we loved each other very much we just couldn't make it work. I found myself unable to forget him and just going round and round in circles. In the end I wrote myself a physical list of all the reasons why we broke up and made myself look at it whenever I started to think about him again. At that same time, I cut myself off from him, cold turkey.
Now 2 years on we can actually be friends, and I found that without him in my life constantly reminding me of what we had lost for that length of time, I was able to gain clarity on the relationship and allow those raw edges to heal over. Maybe this approach could work for you too? | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:48:26 AM |
In this respect it's difficult to move on because we never really talk and discuss things, so nothing is finalised.
Yet you previously said:
I love him and am truly attracted to him but end up thinking that we want different things from a relationship so call it quits.
Something is amiss. How do you know you want different things if you've "never really talk[ed] and discuss[ed] things"?
I tried to finalise things this time and asked him on many occasions to let me know his availability to talk about things so we could work things out once and for all.
Please elaborate. What things are you finalizing? Mental note, you are using the word "finalizing". The only thing you should be really "finalizing" is what you want. Once you "finalize" that, take your friend out for lunch, tell him what you want, and get a clear response as to whether he wants the same or not. If he wants what you want, then "happy-ever-after". If not, you have two choices, either find someone who wants what you want, or submit to what he wants.
In my mind, we look at each other and have a definite connection but it appears he doesn't want to invest the same amount of effort into the relationship
What type of relationship would that be? Perhaps he doesn't want the type of relationship you want. Again, what is it that you want? | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:19:13 AM | | Magical Mary..I love what you said!! I did the same thing you did with the pros and cons, it really helps to see things as they really are and the "us" and the perception of how great it could have been was hard to let go of......sometimes I still wonder why we couldn't have been on the same page in the same book.....it would have been awesome. The only thing that helped me move on was "no contact" and dating someone else even tho I really didn't want to. I found that I could laugh and have fun again and that life would go on. I also did daily journaling where I would write down my thoughts and now 2 years later, I can't believe how much negativity there really was. Someone in another thread said you shouldn't make someone a priority in your life when they are making you an option. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:20:45 AM | Rosy, Thank you so much for having the nerve to post your thread. I read it and felt such a connection with what you said. I am going through something very similar myself. Only, we are on our third try at a relationship. On the two previous ones, I cut it off. Lack of cummunication on my side and being scared of commitment (he's been by himself for many years) on his side. We both were miserable for months without each other..... I have never loved any man the same way in my life. He has admitted to me, he couldn't move on after our break ups either. I am praying every day that we will make it.
Communication is the key !! Without it any relationship, a friend, parent, any kind of relationship..... it Dies !! We are working on all aspects of the relationship now.....
I wish you luck in what ever direction you do take.
Blonde | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:46:38 AM | Thanks for your feedback X file,
This is exactly it, he doesn't like "talking" and he feels i think about things too much, this is a vast difference between us, however there are certain areas where we have an affinity, being honesty.
I guess i was sick of not hearing from him for up to 10 days at a time, with no responses to my texts, he would apologise sometimes but i still wouldn't understand why he did it.
In the end I felt stressed and abandoned in many ways and felt i deserved better, so in that respect I needed to finalise it for myself, however would rather have had a decent conversation with him to understand his pov because obviously when you love someone you want to hear their side.
I feel and can only assume, through no contact from him that he only wanted a physical relationship and one that was only on his terms. I, though want a well balanced relationship that involves not only a physical but a mental and an emotional connection as well.
Thanks again for listening.
Rosy | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:15:46 AM | Your assuming what he feels from what he says, and talk is cheap. More so when its cheesy lines from an old movie he tells you.
He doesn't want to invest in the relationship because to him its not a relationship, its a women to have sex with once in awhile, one who falls for cheesy lines.
You have to manage your feelings by admitting despite your physical attraction for him... those feelings you have do not make a relationship and stop messing around with him, stop talking to him and invest your time and energy into finding someone who will give you want you need.
The biggest mistake you can make is putting your feelings on the back burner and still keep seeing him, to do that means you have no self respect.
Learn some self respect and find someone better if you deserve someone who wants a relationshiip and not just a peice once in awhile between chasing other women | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:38:06 AM | Ty Nature Gal....
I'm learning that there is no easy path to travel when you love someone, however one person CAN NOT make a relationship work, no matter how good things 'appear'. And I agree....we should never make ONE person our PRIORITY when they simply make us an OPTION, but I know that some of us have done this at one time or another over the course of our lives.
Change is difficult, and I'm certainly not placing blame on the man, because this issue really isn't gender specific, but the scenario happens far more often than not. I think that women are more emotionally charged then men at times so it 'appears' guys aren't affected as much as we are...but I'm sure there are a lot of guys who've been in the same pickle.
A friend of mine lent me this quote and I found it funny but true:
Committment and relationships are like an egg and ham breakfast. The chicken was involved but the pig was committed.
Sometimes I guess we are chicken...other times we are a pig~ | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:40:54 AM | Why is it the ones we get a second chance with, and feel such a strong connection with on many levels, do not feel able or wanting to commit to us, despite their genuinely honest proclaims of truly loving us?
I don't know the answer, other than I believe there is a lesson, a strong lesson to be learned and I hope it's more than just to realize these types of relationships inevitably are full of love, but equally quite painful. (I found)
I hear you are waiting for him to talk about this with you - so you can process closure with him....well, my 'love' from 17 and 14 years ago that sounds so familiar to your man never could close down the connection in his heart with me either, and it kept me corded with him for years until in the end I had to do it myself.....and without him. I just had to detach and let my love for him flow out of me, for to keep it alive without him was not doing me any good and more harm actually.
So, my advise is to honor your gut feelings here and don't leave it to him to be aware of your feelings of what you need now, for I don't know if he's truly capable......which means you need to listen within and do this for yourself. Detaching is hard but so well worth it and will allow you to slowly let go and move on through healing and nourishing you so when the next person comes along who is meant to have a connection with you, you will really be free to explore it....and anything else in the future on your path. Be strong, OP, is my biggest advice...and when you are ready, you will be able to resist him and the pull he has on you and your heart....and eventually you will be able to look back and see he was a gift (as you were for him too), and not feel the pain. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:48:03 AM | ((I guess i was sick of not hearing from him for up to 10 days at a time, with no responses to my texts, he would apologise sometimes but i still wouldn't understand why he did it.))
Rosy,
The man I was seeing not only didn't answer texts, but he would not answer voice messages, or emails...sometimes it would be weeks of silence ...other times it would be months. The thing is by allowing this behaviour..he knows that eventually, when he is so inclined, he'll respond and you'll still be waiting. Course, when I stopped contact he suddenly was texting and wondering if I had a problem with dialing or texting. I was shocked that he seemed pissed I didn't contact him, but I figured he lost interest so I'd just move on.
The thing is, you can't assume anything, because the reality is some folks ability to love is one-dimensional, but to them it's the world. You have to decide for yourself if he is worth the effort and engery spent on trying to build a bond, and if not...walk away. The easy part is hearing it.....knowing it, but the more difficult part is simply doing it! I've been involved with this man off and on for over five yrs, and now I've simply had enough. I know what I want and I know in my heart he will NEVER give me that which I need and desire.
You are a pretty lady who sounds pretty sensible...just weigh out the pros and cons and go from there. Closure sometimes is when you simply end a chapter to the book of life and step forward. I would love to get some concrete REAL answers as to why 'he' found it so easy to discard me, but seeing I let him treat me pretty poorly for such a long time..the only answer I need stares me in the face every morning.
Love may have blinded me, but I'm still young enough and wise enough to know there are plenty more fish in the sea if and when I'm ready to dive back in.
Best wishes. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:41:24 AM | The issue is I am really attracted to him, it feels as though as long as there is a spark it will ignite. In this respect it's difficult to move on because we never really talk and discuss things, so nothing is finalised. I tried to finalise things this time and asked him on many occasions to let me know his availability to talk about things so we could work things out once and for all.
If you have to use a cattle prod to get someone to express their feelings for you ... they either don't actually have those feelings for you ... or they haven't quite memorized their lines yet.
During the time we were together he said things like.. you complete me and I'll never love anyone else as much as what i love you.
Yeah ... "you complete me ... I'll never love anyone else."
It wouldn't be my choice of words ... but, oh well, chic's gotta hear something while their gettin boned.
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:24:44 AM | The fact that he cannot communicate with you should be your answer and give you closure. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, sometimes they are just not suited to you. You cannot figure out what he wants, you know what you want, and he is apparently not it so stop thinking that something magical will happen to change things, it won't.
Saw your repost relative to the contact. He did it because he doesn't care enough about you to maintain normal contact for people that are in a relationship. It is easy to play the mind games and fool yourself about it but the bottom line is he doesn't care enough to pick up the phone and whatever relationship you have is on his terms, not yours. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:25:16 AM | LOL Eric...
So eloquent with words you are!! As many other folks have alluded in various posts...words mean nothing...but actions do. Personally, if a man is 'boning' me I don't wanna hear him talk...it blows my concentration.
Unbelievable lol | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:46:10 AM | I have a different perspective from previous posters. To me, it all depends on several things. I take my guidance in these matters from the books by Harville Hendrix and the literature on codependence.
If you are in a relationship that is unsatisfying to you, you have a choice. You can change the relationship to be satisfying or change yourself so that you accept it the way it is. If you have tried the first and your partner will not cooperate, or it just does not seem to change, then the second choice is your only option. If you are unwilling to accept it the relationship as it is, then you should leave. In my opinion, once I make the decision to leave I deal with my grief about the loss of the relationship but I do not go back and "try again."
You have to set your own standards for what is acceptable and what is not, your own boundaries and bottom lines. You have to learn enough about yourself so that you set a standard that is realistic or you will never be happy. You have no power to change your partner, only yourself and your actions. It is often the case that when you get your act together, your partner will be inspired. They may be inspired to follow your lead, or they may be inspired to leave. It usually depends on the boundaries you set.
I have had a number of attachments that were as you describe. Some of them are still with me, some are not. They do not stop me from forming new attachments and they should not stop you either. I have had to accept that some of them existed in my own hopes and dreams and were not shared by the other person. I have had to accept that some of them were shared but the relationship could not be made to work as described above. In either case, I have had to move on, meet new people, form new attachments. If the new attachment is genuine and workable, it will eclipse the old ones sooner or later. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:59:31 AM | if it didn't work the first 2 trys what makes you think it will work again???
sounds like he don't got a clue what he really wants and just tells you what you want to hear but ignores the things you want to know...
tell him one more time you want to know how he feels about things in his life and if he can't tell you then move on and tell him to call you when he got his sh!t together | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:10:08 PM | [quoite]so I figure, until he's ready I'm happy to get on with my own life and meet other people.
You're half right. You are right about getting on with your own life and meeting other people, but you are wrong to do so only "until he's ready".
I hate to say so, but this is NOT going to ever work. You may be very much in love, and he may actually love you to. But love isn't enough to overcome everything. I feel you need love to be a big part of a relationship, but love can't carry you through problems that one or both of you can't or won't work through. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:13:08 PM | | Not all chemistry is good chemistry, and often bad chemistry seems very attractive, especially if one likes or needs drama to feel emotion. This doesn't sound anything like love to me, but then I don't know what you are looking for or what you think love is. From your post it sounds like sexual attraction but beyond that you two don't even know each other nor do you seem to like who the other person is nor their actions...so what's to love? I think you are beating a dead horse, so you should ask yourself what you are getting out of it that keeps you coming back for more of something you don't seem to really want. | |
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| How would you manage this ongoing relationship?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:29:27 PM | Hi Rosy,
I agree with the post that said you have two options: one is to try to change what you have so that it is acceptable to you - so that you aren't selling yourself; the other is that you change yourself so that you can accept the situation the way it is. In my opinion, the second option is what has worked for me. I can relate to your situation and to being "the woman who loves too much." I do, however, want to add something to your query. Have you seriously considered the possibility that you really want him because he is "not available" to you? Sit with that one for awhile and see what you come up with. Good luck. Act :) | |
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