| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:28:32 PM | I have a question I think plagues alot of people after a breakup,as my profile says I am a divorced father of two.My marriage disolved just before hurricane katrina and finished soon after.I found out that my wife of 9years was basically cheating on me with my best friend of 20 years.
While I was seperated from my wife I started dating someone who works with me.We work in two seperate departments,but would encounter each other on a daily basis.I made the first move in getting to know her,and we started dating shortly after.While dating I had some legal problems,which she stayed by my side through it all until the end.
We had our issues and in the end I broke it off with her.She claimed that I lied to her about my seperation,when I know I told her before hand(she doesn't like to date married men).My relationship with her lasted9 months.My divorce cleared not long after.
There hasn't been a day go by that I didn't and/or haven't thought about her and realized that I had made the ultimate mistake,letting someone so special get away from me.Someone I can see spending the rest of my life with.My divorce cleared not to long after.
I was put on leave of absence from my job because of my legal problem,which lasted close to a year,that length of time is how long we've been apart.I recently asked her to meet with me so that we may talk and she reluctantly agreed to meet with me.I told her how I felt,and apologized for everything that I ever did to her.She told me that she had pretty much wiped me out of her mind and made me non-exist.I told her how I knew that I let the best thing ever,and someone so special to me that I knew that she was the right person,the one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
It was then that she told me of how she started dating someone else and how it must hurt me to know how happy she is.She told me how my words hurt her,and how she feels and I don't blame her not one bit.She also said that she couldn't give another chance,and how in maybe 20 years from now if our paths should ever cross,maybe then, but not now.
I told her that I wasn't going to stop loving her,because I just can't bring myself to forget her,not ever.I told her that I would just have to love her from the sidelines and look at her beauty when we saw each other.It's not like I'm going to stalk her,but I just can't keep my eyes off of her.She's in my head 24/7 even on my days off.
My friends tell me that I'm a fool for telling how I felt and that I went begging to her to ask for a second chance,from what I hearing I'm not so favorable on her friends list either.I made my mess and now I have to clean it up,I am ready to do whatever it takes to get her back,no matter what it is!!!!!!!!!!!.I'm ready to face her friends and to take what's coming to me.I'll wait even if does take 20years,or even 40years.If she does marry him then i'll know she's gone forever but I just can't move on it hurts way to much.She told me that that's not something that has been discussed between them,she doesn't even know if it's going to happen.She live in metarie,and he live in covington.A few of my friends tell me to have a stiff upper lip because that relationship will not last,I hope that they are right.
So here's my questions to everyone out there------am I a fool for how I feel?should I and/or shouldn't I stay and wait?does anyone blame me for how I feel? and does anyone have any good advice?
  | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:35:28 PM | am I a fool for how I feel?
yes
should I stay and wait?
no
does anyone blame me for how I feel?
yes
and does anyone have any good advice?
move on | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:39:53 PM | | I'm sorry you're in so much pain but do not stop living your life or looking for someone new for her. She was up front and honest with you and you can't ask for more than that. Let her be and find new happiness. I personally think you did the right thing by asking her to come back and being painfully honest with her and telling you how you feel. You gave it one last try and sometimes we need to do that only for ourselves so we don't live with the could haves or the should haves. We make our own miseries and our own happiness. Choose wisely. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:03:18 PM | I agree with mizou; when I see someone with super long posts its evident too that communication skills are a problem. You could have said the same thing more clearly in half the words.
Its over; you need to move on; you also need to choose correctly. For your friend and wife to carry on for so many years without you ever even thinking about it is scary. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:31:03 PM | I'll let ya know my thoughts when your auto-biography is made into a movie....the book is way too long!   no wonder I drink!!!!!!!! | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:52:17 PM | | Don't beat yourself its sounds like she wasn't into it from the get go. I had a very similar situation, maybe it was more for you than for her. No matter how much time passes after you break up with someone who you loved and had a profound impact on you...you will continue to love them indefinitely. I know its a real **** but that is the reality of putting your heart on the line. I think that is why it is so hard to return to that place with someone new as it re-opens a wound that is always there to remind you. Do not beg, if it was meant to be she may return. Live as if she is gone, because if there is any hope you have to have full detachment. Remember the old saying if you love something let it go, if it comes back it yours forever. Best of luck its a tough situation. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:01:30 PM | WOW this is a tough group.... eeshh give the poor man a break.
Sweetie.. time is all you need.
jmo
JJ | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:06:48 PM |
I was put on leave of absence from my job because of my legal problem,which lasted close to a year,that length of time is how long we've been apart.
I think she left you because of your loss of job, not the marital status.
Just a hunch... but if you were together for so long and she all of a sudden split -- is this just a coincidence that you also lost your job?
It's time to move on and forget whatever she told you as the reasons she left or thinking you can win her back. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:40:08 PM | | Love will find a way,I'm not done---not by a long shot.A dream you don't fight for will haunt you for the rest of your life. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:43:03 PM | | hey janet4ever,I wasn't fired,nor did I loose my job.I'm still employed at the same place I was before and now | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:43:58 PM | You need to move on and never forget the golden rules.
Don't date people that you work with.
Make sure that your status is clear to the woman you are seeing. If your single, married.. Obviously it wasn't clear to her.
Now you know she has moved on. You should too.
Good Luck...
 | |
|
| |
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:52:55 PM | You sound like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was in the same position as the "love of your life" and I was pissed at my ex for telling me "his" feelings. He never cared about mine when he did not tell me he was still married. I had to move, change jobs, change telephone numbers, etc. to get rid of him. I thought it was a low thing to do to try to step back into my life and I bet the "love of your life" feels the same way. You made a mistake leave the poor woman a lone. I bet she is with a much better man. Get some therapy so you can stop hurting people.
Yes, you are a fool and a selfish one at that. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:03:55 PM | | You lived through Katrina, then you went through a divorce of betrayal, then you had to take a leave of absence, because of legal problems. You are going through so much trauma, you don't really have time to grieve your losses. You are in a rebound relationship. You are falling madly in love with the new one (who left you), because of the loss of your wife. You are trying to replace your lost love, instead of going through the pain and loneliness of a divorce. There has to be a trial period of grieving and "getting to know who you are". You have to heal first, otherwise, you will look to a new love as if they are "god". You will worship the ground they walk on, then be totally disappointed in them, because they cannot make you happy as you may idealize them to be the answer to all your emotional problems of loneliness and fulfillment. That is what religion is for. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:07:58 PM |
a dog instead of a man,no wonder your still looking
I thought you were looking for opinions... silly me. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:14:02 PM | While I was seperated from my wife I started dating someone who works with me.
Well, first of all, you were S E P E R A T E D. That did NOT by any means mean you were legally divorced, hence you weren't really eligible to date in the first place. Second of all, when you get down to the brass tacks of it, it was nothing more than what you would call a rebound relationship.
At this point and time, you really, really need to sit back, take stock and figure out what Y O U want as an I N D I V I D U A L. Once you are okay with being by yourself and on your own and not so needy, then you are ready to step back into dating and relationships.
I have recommended this many, many times before, but I think you need to diffuse from your failed marriage. A thing called Divorce Care might be the ticket for you. My friend who went thru a terrible divorce took the class and it really, really helped her. It is a Christian/Faith based group that most often meets in churches and is confidential, and more often than not free. It is a 13 week continuous course that offers a "feature of the week" via DVD - Subjects addressed are handling finances, handling your emotions, dealing with children, handling legal issues, etc etc. The DVD segment is played and then the floor is open for those who just need to talk. The web address for this is: http://www.divorcecare.org. The website can offer many resources and also can help you find a group near you. - check it out. - You need help, not another relationship at this juncture.
We work in two seperate departments,but would encounter each other on a daily basis.I made the first move in getting to know her,and we started dating shortly after
Second of all, it's NEVER a very good idea to "fish off the company pier", although it seems to be the trend these days. Although I personally have never done that, I have seen too many of my friends get badly burned in doing so. - Jobs lost, people shuffled around to different departments, demotions, etc.
......... she doesn't like to date married men........
Well, who the hell does???? - Who wants to - whether you are a man or woman would want to date a married person??? It just shows a lack of self-respect and esteem in doing so. Did you honestly think she would wait around for you indefinitely while you got your legal problems solved???
I think in this case - whether or not you were upfront about your impending divorce, which you say you were, I think she realized she went against her values system and decided you just weren't the one for her.
She told me that she had pretty much wiped me out of her mind and made me non-exist.I told her how I knew that I let the best thing ever,and someone so special to me that I knew that she was the right person,the one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with........It was then that she told me of how she started dating someone else and how it must hurt me to know how happy she is.........
Well, my friend, all you can do now is let it be. She is happy with someone else and doesn't want to be with you. You can't force her to be in a relationship she does not want to be in. So let her go and let it be. Leave her alone and let her live her life the way she wishes to live it. There really isn't anymore you can do except deal with the reality of that. And the sooner you do, the better off you will be. | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:19:28 PM | | i apologize,it just sounded like you took what i was saying the wrong way | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:23:55 PM | I talked with a friend and co-worker earlier today and he basically told me to put my trust in God,and to see what happens.There is nothing wrong with trying to prove to someone you care and love for that the person you were in the bad relationship is not the person you really are,to try and be the person you are and not some kind of ogre.
He also said that there is nothing wrong with waiting,as long as I can be able to move on | |
|
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:24:41 PM | i apologize,it just sounded like you took what i was saying the wrong way
Who are you apologizing to????
Those of us who replied to your OP are just reflecting and reacting to what you originally said on here. I personally didn't take it the wrong way at all.
I talked with a friend and co-worker earlier today and he basically told me to put my trust in God,and to see what happens.There is nothing wrong with trying to prove to someone you care and love for that the person you were in the bad relationship is not the person you really are,to try and be the person you are and not some kind of ogre.
He also said that there is nothing wrong with waiting,as long as I can be able to move on
Whoever told you this, must be a very, very wise individual and I would certainly heed his advice and place it all into God's hands. But you also need to ask yourself if you are able to truly move on.
I DO wish you luck in trying to put your life back together as a divorce is a very tough and traumatic event to recover from and there seems to be little societal support for those who go through it. Some never recover due to that. You D O N T have to be one of those individuals, but you need to take the necessary steps and do the work to recover.
I don't view you as an ogre or a mean individual. I think you are a good person that just needs to sit back and diffuse from your marriage. - take your time and focus on what you need and want as an individual.
Also, you say you are a father of 2 children. They need your help, care, love and support. They also need stability in their lives, as well.
Again, focus on yourself as an individual and take care of your kids. In the long run, you will come out the winner. | |
|
| |
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:26:47 PM | "am I a fool for how I feel?
yes
should I stay and wait?
no
does anyone blame me for how I feel?
yes
and does anyone have any good advice?
move on"
 awsome  | |
|
| |
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:30:11 PM | | I apreciate everyone who has responeded,and let me know there feelings and suggestions | |
|
| |
| made mistake of lifetime
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:42:06 PM | Hello ejems,
You were honest from the beginning, and unfortunately with the span of time taken to resolve legal issues, that's the time it took her to re-evaluate your relationship and as a end result that she needed to move on. The best thing anyone can ever do is to be completely open and honest with their feelings. Although time had past, it's never too late to tell someone how you feel. It is putting yourself out there purging from the very depth of your soul regardless of the less than stunning performance on her part. Life moves on regardless of the anguish and regret you must feel. It will and shall pass. One day it will all come together as of why and maybe, something great will come out of your broken heart. ! | |
|
Home
login 
