| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:07:48 PM | Over the years I have often felt, (and even been told in some instances) that it is expected that I be generous to the children of friends and it is often assumed that I have more disposable income because I don't have kids. Many of my childless, single friends, have also experienced this and are also frustrated by the expectations of their friends with children. They are especially frustrated by those who have expectations of them to always give simply because they have been financially successful . Even my friend with one child has expressed the unfairness in trying to give gifts or participate in events for various occasions for her friends who have several children, when they only have to reciprocate or participate in kind, with her one child.
Yesterday a friend of mine called and she was sobbing mad. I did not attend the graduation of her daughter. She said she felt abandoned and that everyone was asking for me. We have been friends for thirty years and her 27 y/o son is my godson. In 27 years I have never forgotten to send him something for his birthday or Xmas. I never forget my friend's birthday either and plan on sending her daughter something for her graduation as well. I did work that weekend and wasn't really up for an out of state event. I also have dogs and the logistics of either kenneling them or finding someone to come in and look after them is always a challenging part of my travel equation.
Over the past five or so years, I have cut down on my gift giving and participation in baby showers, graduations, retirement parties and the like unless: I truly want to participate, I can easily get the time off, the person means a lot to me and I can afford it at the time. I have become more conservative with my money for a variety of reasons including preparing for an early retirement. Since she is out of state, participating in the graduation would have set me back about $800 dollars. Recently I even decided to stop giving at work everytime someone comes around selling raffles, candies, cookies, etc., for their child's event after I shelled out $50 in one week. I wish the company would do something to discourage this behavior.
How do others feel about this issue? Have you experienced similar situations? | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:38:33 PM | I'm sure most of us can relate to the issue of people selling things at work. Maybe I've just been lucky, but I've found that in every instance when I wasn't interested, a simple "no, thank you" has sufficed. I've never had anyone try to push anything on me.
Regarding the graduation, from your post it sounds like your friend had no idea you weren't coming. I think the hard feelings could probably have been avoided if you had explained to her before hand that you would very much like to be able to attend, but that circumstances just wouldn't allow it, and that you would be sending a gift. I'm sure she would have been disappointed, but someone with whom you've been friends for 30 years would surely have been understanding. | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:30:02 PM | I don't like children. And my friends know this. My best friend of 13 years knows not to ask me to babysit.
I think you just have to set boundaries early on. Obviously, your boundaries are changing, and it's just going to take a while for others to adjust. Let that be their problem, not yours.
But yes, it can certainly seem like those with kids expect others to always accomodate them. (Like why should my meal out be ruined by your misbehaving child?) | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:59:48 PM | I like kids. I've got some myself. Doesn't mean I can get to all their functions...or even a good portion of them. Sorry...but making a living at times comes far ahead...otherwise said kids wouldn't be having their activities because the money wouldn't be there for it.
As far as other peoples kids are concerned...there reaches an age when apron strings are cut...doesn't mean that you can't keep in contact. My brothers kids hardly ever saw or heard from me...but when they do, everything is good. They know I am there, and if they need to bend an ear, they can. Sometimes, that is all that is needed.
The kids selling stuff for a fundraiser...I try to help. I don't go crazy...but will usually buy the minimum...except for girl scout cookies....dang I like them. Usually "stock up" on them.... | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:51:34 PM | I have experienced alot of the same situations as you and can totally understand where you are coming from.
In regards to people coming around with stuff, on behalf of their kids or whatever, and asking every single person, we dealt with it that if people are going to be soliciting anything they must leave it in the lunch room for people to look at on their break. One day at work, there must have been 3 or 4 different people coming around asking for donations (even some with their kids which is hard to say know to0) and it was for the same stuff that my son's school was supposed to raise money for so I had already given then and wasn't going to give for another school...it could just go on and on...and I just don't have enough money for that. I personally (and our school) do not encourage kids to collect money by going around the neighbourhood and would never bring him to work to ask. Finally, I just told someone that I am a single mom and cannot afford to be contributing as I have my son's school to think about. Sorry for the rant but just wanted to tell you my experience in that regards.
I tell one thing that bugs me as well, is that I only have myself and my son and sometimes we are expected to pay more for our share and what I mean by this is, when going camping with some friends who have two kids and two adults, we are expected to pay for half the groceries, but hold on here....they had two more mouths to feed, I think it should be diveded 6 ways and not 2 but it is what is expected and I just don't want to make waves with it, I am just not that way, even if it isn't fair to me....the other person doesn't just doesn't think about it....(PS BTW they have two incomes coming in as well, where I only have the one income). | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:01:42 AM | In a word, YES.
I haven't heard other people mention this type of situation specifically, but I HAVE a child, and do NOT like children in general. Of course I like my child, heck, I love him to bits, and not because I think he's superior to other children by any means, but because I raise him and discipline him.
I don't babysit, unless it's an emergency, and a friend might end up fired if they don't show up, and those rare occasions when I do, I suffer nothing.
I am very careful with my money, as I don't have a lot of it. My friends with children aren't extremely wealthy either, so they know a contribution to any event from me is usually our presence, and if I can swing it, a lightly loaded card.
Actually, I have only 3 friends that even have children, most of my friends are younger with none, or much older and their kids are grown and gone.
It's not that I wouldn't like more friends with kids, but I can't stomach the common trend of children holding the leashes to their trained dogs of parents. Children are short, inexperienced and generally emotionally unstable people, that's it and all. Puppies are cute too, but I'm not going to live in a cardboard box to save their little feelings.
Fortunately, I've never worked in an office where people came collecting for their kids causes. I'd probably go ballistic and complain to management honestly. Not because I'm heartless, but because it's disruptive, and let your kids do their own work on their time not yours, sheesh!
OP, I would not have spent $800 and left the state for a friends kids graduation. They would know that about me before hand, but if not, I would have told them, and wouldn't have been responding positively to a sobbing mad guilt trip on the phone either.
If me and the kid were close, I'd rather they ask me, then have to consent vicariously through a parent. It's like parents these days do all the talking and outlandish assumptions. I'm sure this kid didn't even notice or care. He'd probably much rather a gift card to the movies than you warming a seat in an auditorium. | |
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| Do Your Friends With Children Expect Too Much?
Posted: 6/2/2008 1:16:47 PM | OhioLady ~I did think about this seriously after I read your post...that I should have called to say I wasn't able to attend. Over the years when I have received invites from her it has always been understood that if I were coming I would let her know. To me the invites have always been a formality to let me know about the event. And I have always appreciated being included in this way and would respond by sending a gift or making a phone call to hear how the event went and offer my congratulations. Somehow this time was different and maybe because this is her last child to graduate from college. I guess...hmmm.
GirlyGirl ~Never thought of it this way but you are right... my boundaries ARE changing and I am becoming more comfortable saying no. And the kid in the restaurant yelling and screaming drives me nuts too. People sometimes don't realize that others don't think their kids are as cute as they do. I have actually said that to a few people in restaurants.
Yna ~I love my Godson but I have been thinking that it may be time for me to stop the gift giving since he is 27 and he does not respond in kind. He does call me and sometimes he will send a card so maybe that it what I should give him as well...just a card.
Michey~ I hear ya' so don't worry about the rant. Leaving donation jars or info someplace neutral so that employees don't have to be put on the spot or asked in front of someone's child is a good idea. The last time someone asked me for a donation I actually had to say no because it was the week I shelled out the $50. The woman kept asking me and another co-worker why we wouldn't give and kept whining..."but it is for a child."
Criztine~As you and OhioLady have pointed out in the future I will make sure that I respond earlier and make it clear that I will not be attending. This may alleviate some of the confusion and hard feelings. And you are right I don't believe for one minute that her daughter was overly concerned, if at all, that I was not there.
Thanks For All Your Input! | |
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