Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Holding on to memories from past relationships!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 1
Holding on to memories from past relationships!Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Me and my girl had this conversation tonight. I was just wondering what you guys thought about this.

Let me ask this question. How many of you keep pictures, old letters, cards or something from past relationships as memories? Me and my current girl have been together for more than 6 years. Before she and I got together I dated quite a few people. So did she. I have a picture of my daughter's mom in my wallet because we are good friends as well as parents. I have a pic of a girl I dated more than 15 years ago in there as well who is now my best friend. I even have a pic of the girl I dated before my current girl. Mixed in with all my other friends and family. You actually have to dig through other pics to find them. But when you open my wallet the first pic you see is my current girl. 13 years ago I messed around with a girl during that particular summer. Yes, I admit, she was a few years younger than me but she was legal. She wrote me a little love note and I thought it was cute so I kept it. My current knows I have it and she's admitted that she's even read the note. I run into this girl about once every couple of years. Last I heard she had gotten marred and had a couple of kids. We actually just ran into her a few weeks ago.

The note is in my night stand next to my bed. For years it was typically on the bottom or in the back of the drawer. But recently while looking for something else in there it ended up on the top. My girl was putting something in the drawer and saw the note. So she takes it out and reads it again. Now she assumes that because we ran into this girl the other week I went looking for the note and re-read it. My question is this. She wondered why I still have the note and I told her it was just a memory of a past relationship. I have a huge box in the attic right now of family photos, girlfriends and other friends. I do not go looking at them nor do I read the note. Is there a problem keeping old photos, cards or even a love note even though you are in a new relationship? Given the fact that she knew I had the note and pictures and even read it some time ago does she have the right to get mad over it now? She's one who feels that when you get into a new relationship that you should get rid of old memories. The bad thing is that I talk to her about her past relationships but she acts like she doesn't want to talk about them, nor does she want to talk about any of mine. Maybe I'm a little more secure to know that I wasn't her first. She had a past before me and I had a past before her. If I wanted to be with this girl or any girl from my past then I would be with them or at least try. I care about my girl but I also want her to realize and recognize that I had a past before her. And keeping something from your past doesnt' mean you're holding onto that person. It's a memory. That's all.

What do you guys think? Would you question your mate if you found out they had kept something from a past relationship? Also, if they knewyou had those things and didn't say anything for years but then wanted to make an issue out of it. Do they have that right?
 laughinglibra
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 2
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:14:17 PM
I think there is nothing wrong with having keepsakes that mean something from your past... whether it be past relationships or friendships.

I wouldn't question my mate at all..... it would be nice if he shared it with me just once as I would share my memories with him, but that's where it would end. I don't think a partner has any right to throw history in your face or to ask you to get rid of something. That's just silly..... although it could definitely be a sign of insecurity.


 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:14:20 PM
What do you guys think? Would you question your mate if you found out they had kept something from a past relationship? Also, if they knewyou had those things and didn't say anything for years but then wanted to make an issue out of it. Do they have that right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your thread might get deleted for "redunancy" if so go reply to the other threads about this.

I think pictures, love letters, cards, pressed flowers etc should be put in an envelope or box and stored way out of way. That way, any new partners won't think you are "clinging" to something gone bye.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:15:59 PM
Dude, you're just way, way too much.

If it's all just a memory, you don't need the reminders, do you?
 happygirlie
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 5
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:23:32 PM
I assume she has a family, prior boyfriends/husband(s), college buddies, colleagues from work...in other words, a life. Perhaps documented in one form or another...just like you. There is nothing wrong with this at all. If there is a suggestion that she wants you to throw away these things...she is WRONG. It can mean she is insecure, jealous or a control freak....or all of the above. Not good.

I have seen past lives of ex's and personally I find it interesting and sometimes uncovers all kinds of emotions ranging from laughter to profound sadness. Not that it should ever be more than a conversation you have once or twice in the lifetime of your relationship, I'd say its perfectly normal. And you don't have to share any of it if you don't want to.

If it makes her feel better, go buy yourself a stylish box at a wonderful stationery store and celebrate YOUR life by lovingly putting your memories (ex's) away and stash it in a closet or attic.

And I will say a little wish for her that she doesn't end up in that box one day.

Good Luck!
 Mr Blblblbl
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 6
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:24:00 PM

Given the fact that she knew I had the note and pictures and even read it some time ago does she have the right to get mad over it now?

She has the right to feel however she wants to feel, just like you have the right to feel that these things shouldn't mean anything to her. What's left to decide is not whether we should tell her to put up with it, but for you to decide if the tension being created is worth it.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 7
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:28:03 PM

I have a pic of a girl I dated more than 15 years ago in there as well who is now my best friend.
Your girl should be your BEST friend!
Nothing wrong with keeping mementos. I have a huge box of stuff but it is so buried in that closet the one you don't want to open for fear of avalanche.

You keep old love letters next to your bed ? Put it away... what the fawks wrong with you?
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 8
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:32:55 PM
Again, I look at things this way. She was married before me. I've never been married. I understand that she dated before me. Hell, I'd love to sit down with her one day and talk about our past relationships. That would give me in insight into things she did. Places she's gone. Or even things she done with other people. I want to know about her but she won't tell me. If I bring up my past relationships then she things I'm holding on to those people and that I want them back. She doesn't want to hear or know anything about anybody I've ever dated. Maybe she feels threatened by it. But that are ex's for a reason.

But as far as this note, she knew I had it in my nightstand. She's read it before. She knew it was in there. Yes, in the process of looking for something else it got shuffled to the top. She thinks it got there because I read it again. Hell, I know what it says, why read it again? I think it's just wrong for your current mate to ask or even expect you to get rid of your past because they are your present.
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:33:15 PM
Sure, I have plenty of keepsakes of past relationships...cards, letters, pictures. But none of the pictures are in my WALLET(!?), nor is any of the rest of the stuff in my night stand. Its all packed away in a trunk somewhere, and I usually only see it when I'm moving, or come across it looking for something else.
 naturegal1953
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 10
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:36:31 PM
This is just my opinion. Since you have been with this girl for 6 years, it seems a small thing for you to put your keepsakes in a box up in the attic. If it bothers her, why not do this to please her?
 happygirlie
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 11
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:37:13 PM
Oh and pictures of the mother of your children from previous relationships....it's a no no. I only know this because I have a great relationship with my ex and I have had very constructive criticism on having his photo displayed in my home next to my daughter's.

I put his picture away.

The advice came from a man whose opinion I respected...and still do. My ex.
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 12
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:37:42 PM
To Indigo,

What the fawks is wrong with me? I'll tell you. First of all I don't beleive that you should date your best friend. That's just my opinion. You have yours and I have mine. Please don't down me for mine. Yes, it's in my nightstand. So what? It's been there for the past 13 years. My girl has only been there for 6. If I take it out of the drawer and stick it in the box with the other photos then it's in the box and someone would complain about that. I think the real issue here is this. Women are allowed to keep little things and momentos because that's their memory but if a guy does it she still wants the girl.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:40:58 PM

Hell, I know what it says, why read it again?


Exactly! So why keep it?
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 14
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:42:11 PM
@ naturegal,

If I do everything to please her or change what I do because she doesn't like it then I'd give up who I am to suit her. I'd turn into her. Why do men have to change to suit a woman? Why not accept a person for who they are and not what you want them to be? Ok, maybe she's gotten rid of all her past like it never happened so I'm suppose to pretend that I never had a past before her too?
 happygirlie
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 15
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:43:09 PM

I want to know about her but she won't tell me.


Then what do you really know about her? Our lives are made of experiences....all joy and pain included. That statement she makes is kinda scary. No one needs to know the gory details or even names....maybe the the lesson learned?
 Mr Blblblbl
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 16
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:43:42 PM

I think it's just wrong for your current mate to ask or even expect you to get rid of your past because they are your present.

So then dump her. Obviously she doesn't accept you the way you are. Get a couple of keepsakes from her and then show her the door. That'll be a fun story to share with your new girl, won't it?
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 17
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:47:33 PM
@ happygirlie,

The difference is this. I do not have any pics of any of my exes out on display. Granted they are in my wallet. She has no right going through my wallet just like I have no right going through her purse. But she knows they are there so that bothers her. Why is a man's wallet so sacred to where he can only have one pic in it? If I take the pics out of my wallet and stick them in the box in the attic then they are what . . . . . . over the bed she sleeps in and she's gonna have a problem with that. She's not gonna be happy until they are out of the hosue. Why should I always cave to her. Again, 6 years and she knew about the letter. She's even read it a time or two. If there was something that your mate had that made you mad when you saw it or read it would you still go read it or look at it? No. And if your mate told you he wasn't holding a torch or even getting rid of it you'd have to accept it.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 18
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:48:09 PM

What the fawks is wrong with me? I'll tell you. First of all I don't beleive that you should date your best friend. That's just my opinion.

Oh I think there is a little more wrong with you than that.

Yes, it's in my nightstand. So what? It's been there for the past 13 years. My girl has only been there for 6.

Well your girl is in your bed now. Why... who knows???

I think the real issue here is this. Women are allowed to keep little things and momentos because that's their memory but if a guy does it she still wants the girl.

No the real issue here is that you are putting your ego above your girlfriend of six years feelings. Not cool!
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 19
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:52:13 PM
Why keep it?

Because it's my memory. It's my past not hers. If I came home one day and there was a pic of her son's father in their room I would not have a problem with that because that's their dad. On the flip side, if I put a pic of my daughter's mom in her room then she'd say I was just throwing my daughter's mom up in her face again. The pic of my daughter's mom is yes, in my wallet. But no one sees it and no one knows it's there but me. I could care less who she's got a pic of in her purse because that's her purse. As long as she's not taking it out and looking at it all the time. I never take any pic out of my wallet when I'm with her. Hell, I don't even take it out when I'm not with her.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:55:29 PM
Oh wow! That you even see it as "caving", vs actually giving a damn about her--over freakin' keepsakes from the past--(this time, every one of your threads are about something else she's doing wrong!)--is just twisted! That you keep her in this constant turmoil as a way of controlling her is even more twisted!

Edit: Yanno what? She's not just your daughter's mom, she's also your EX! And you're carrying her pic around in your wallet?! Wow!
Have you forgotten what she looks like?
And you don't have a clue what partnership is all about, cause it sure ain't about only looking out for #1!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:56:53 PM
You have every right to keep your momentos and if you want to walk around with a satchel instead of a wallet that is your choice, most people keep pictures of their spouse and kids in their wallet and as these folks are still friends, it is really a bit strange that you feel the need to walk around with them in your wallet as if you might never see them again.

You also have every right to keep the note that has been in your nightstand for 13 years but your gal also has the right to expect you to put those pics in the back of an avalanche waiting to happen just as mine are in a box I would have to dig around for hours to find in my garage, well maybe at least a half hour.

I am very sentimental. I have every single note that was passed from the time I was in junior high, which is mixed in amongst a television-sized box of correspondence with friends I acquired from music camp and those I corresponded with through college and prior to the Internet saving us all that paper. There are probably some romantic cards in there but it has been so long since I took a trip down memory lane, like 13 years ago when I moved into this house, that I honestly have no clue what the box contains. I don't feel the need to have these things so readily accessible and perhaps you should consider why you do even if you do not ever look at them.

Here's the deal, you can either be right or you can make a small adjustment to make the woman happy. Put the stuff away and I suspect the argument will go away as well. You have different attitudes about this issue. My X was similar to yours but he also kept some pictures from the time before we met and I would never have asked or even thought to ask him to throw them away. And yet, it probably would have bothered me as well that a note that was kept in a drawer for 13 years could not be moved somewhere else so it wasn't in my face. If it is a memory it doesn't need to be in the nightstand and after six years, perhaps you owe her some respect for her feelings.

After six years if your attitude is that you still need to be looking out after number one rather than the health of your relationship then perhaps the relationship has run its course.
 NCsingledad
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 22
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:58:33 PM
MY EGO! Yes, I am putting my ego before my girl right now. I have to look out for #1.

She's got some trust and insecurrity issues. This past weekend I had to go to a driving school to get a ticket dropped off my license. My dad dropped me off and my girl picked me up. After the class I was standing outside of the building with another girl who was in the class. We hadn't said 2 words to each other because it had been an 8 hour class and we were just ready to go home. My girl rounds the corner and when I got in the car she automatically assumes that because I was standing there with the girl I was trying to holla at her. This is not the first time we've had discussions about trust.

It's all about trust.
 pies26
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 23
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:58:54 PM
I think that you need to give your head a shake! All that looking in the rear view mirror is going to get you in an accident. Concentrate on the road ahead. Memories will do nothing more then deceive what is truly reality. You seem like someone who will never be happy with what they have.....shame
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 24
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:02:46 PM
Pictures are not a problem--a shrine would be a problem. Or carrying her picture around and kissing it all the time--that would be a problem. We all have memories, we all keep mementos, nothing wrong with it.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 25
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:06:01 PM
See there ya go EGO ...you can't drive 55!
I think you should kick this unreasonable woman to the curb. The sooner the better.
Hey it is an egomaniacs market...life is too short ...you and your little one "night stand"
deserve to live another 13 peaceful years together.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Holding on to memories from past relationships!