| is he the one?
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:04:38 PM | Hi everyone!
How do you know if the person you are with is 'the one' for you? I've heard people say that they just know. If someone is great on paper, and is 99% of what you are looking for, do you overlook that 1% that you are truly unhappy about? I know there will always be thing you don't like about the person you are with, and that you have to decide if those things you don't like are things you can live with.
The reason I'm asking is because there are certain things that my boyfriend and I are just complete opposites about. I'm accepting of his differences, but not only is not accepting of my differences but he just downright doesn't seem to understand how i can be different from him. He questions this about everything. Like the other day he was asking me how come some people are short and some are tall. He just couldn't get that people are different. (and no, he wasn't kidding!)
I try to be more outgoing and do things I don't necessarily want to do; not so much to make him happy, but because I want to spend time with him. I'm starting to feel like if I say that I won't do that anymore, that we'll just drift apart. Maybe we just aren't compatible when it comes to hobbies?
Thoughts?
ps I know this is kind of long; thanks for listening!! | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:17:43 PM | | You hit it right on when you said it's about knowing whether or not you can live with the differences. Let me ask: When you try new things he wants to do, do you usually have fun? If so, then there's no harm right? If not, then why would he expect you to do it again? Also, can you see yourself doing this for years? If he's not open to differences, then do you think he would ever be willing to compromise? If you find yourself doing everything he wants and he never does anything you want, that's not a balanced relationship. If you drift apart just because you don't do what he wants, then it's not meant to be, and not really a fair relationship to either one of you. It all boils down to how much you can tolerate and still be happy. I've been there, done that, and you can only compromise who you are for so long before the real you comes out. Good luck. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:28:29 PM | If I found someone that was 99% of what I wanted, I would never let them go.
LOL I'll settle for 60% of what I want. Oh wait, we're not supposed to settle "snapping my fingers, and doing that side to side head thing"
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 2:25:00 AM | If I knew I would be a billionaire; the answer is you dont know. Nothing is for sure. If it was the divorce rate in the U.S. wouldn't be so sky high.
Your boyfriend sounds pretty shallow; He couldn't get that people were of different heights? Can he read yet? oh brother.
I think you are in the classic young woman relationship where he likes sex, and you are totally into him and you'll do anything for him to make him happy and to spend time with him; almost mindlessly. You give 100%, he gives 10%. Again, dont expect much. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:59:32 AM | I dont agree with the phrase "you just know". how could anyone possibly know this is the peroson your going to spend your life with... no one knows.
I think as long as your happy, and you see a future with him, then dont stress about it.
If you have problems, sort them.
3 months isnt a very long time though, if things are one sided now... hows it going to be in a few more months.. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:09:09 AM | It depends. Are one of your deal breakers in the 1% ?
Like the other day he was asking me how come some people are short and some are tall. He just couldn't get that people are different. Stupidity is a deal breaker for me. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:20:02 AM |
Like the other day he was asking me how come some people are short and some are tall. He just couldn't get that people are different. (and no, he wasn't kidding!)
Out of all the questions that perplex humanity that the dumbest thing I ever heard. Thats right up there with pondering the naval.
I hope that's the 1 %.
try to be more outgoing and do things I don't necessarily want to do; not so much to make him happy, but because I want to spend time with him
And you should not have to continually do things you dont like. Next time you suggest something. Relationships are about compromise. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:36:44 AM | If someone is great on paper, and is 99% of what you are looking for, do you overlook that 1% that you are truly unhappy about?
My God, what planet are you from? Speaking from experience, if you find someone who is 70% of what you are looking for, you better march them down the aisle to the altar before someone else grabs them!
I can't believe how unrealistic women's expectations are, knowing full well that nobody (especially men, according to women) is perfect. Do women really believe they are so close to perfect just the way they are that they can expect this from a man.
Women are:
1. On drugs (I'd like to see the drug powerful enough to make you this delusional).
2. Their brains have dissolved from watching all these "reality" shows on TV. You know, the ones with all the famous sluts in them?
So...may I safely assume you still believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy?
Disclaimer: This post is in no way intended to be a personal attack on the OP or women in general. Some restrictions may apply. I reserve the right to change my opinion with prior notice. Be sure to check your local laws before using my opinion.
Oh, and it sounds like the OP is doing all the trying and the boyfriend is just taking everything for granted. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:36:51 AM | ^^^^That was fuking brilliant. I guess having found that 70% you would be so above board as to not try to change the 30% to what you really want. The man is such an ignoramous that he doesn't understand the genetics involved in height.
He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a sock puppet. Differences are fine if they are approached the way that you do, suicidal the way that he sees things.
You are in a difficult situation because while your differences likely produce only occasional spats, discussions or arguments, you will really start to resent the way he is and he will continue to have little to no respect for your opinions, desires and feelings.
If you are considering long-term with this man, can you imagine how difficult raising children is going to be if you differ on anything in that respect? Do you feel the same way about how you handle money? Rigid people are difficult to live with and I suspect your gut is trying to tell you something that you would tend to rationalize away because there are no huge problems in the relationship.
The beginning of your post made me think, well that is retarded if it is just 1% but this is a pretty significant 1%. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:33:32 AM | Dealbreakers break the deal. Period.
For other 1% differences... ask yourself, how will I feel about putting up iwth this for the rest of my life?
And are you willing to participate in his activities for the rest of your life?
"begin as you plan to go on". My philosophy... So simple, yet so important. Life today as you plan to live tomorrow.
because, I'll tell you from experience, if you are really the "stay at home and hide" type, it's gonna get real old for him to be going out and about and living his life - alone - because you won't go w/him. I got real sick of "nagging" my ex to go to picnics, dinners, etc with me. And I hated going by myself. Sure, in the dating days, he was totally willing to go out and about w/me. Long walks, cultural events, etc. but every year that went by, he retreated more and more into his shell. And as an extrovert, that drove me nuts.
Kaylie | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:18:50 PM | I think the question about different heights of people is actually a pretty intellectual one (or could be), and I think it can be an indication of intelligence to question things that people just take for granted. But anyway, the point is that the two of you don't seem to sync up. I would say this is probably the wrong group of people to ask about how you know whether someone is the one, as teh majority of us haven't found our one (there may be a few widow/ers here, and some happily married forum junkies).
I am hoping that when the time comes for me, some man will ask me to marry him and I will know that I want to say yes. I don't really plan on knowing that he's the one until that point. If a relationship is working for both people, I say, stay in it, and see what happens. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:44:34 PM | How do you know if the person you are with is 'the one' for you? I've heard people say that they just know.
Yeah...you do. You look into their eyes, they fill you, they make your chest ache and your heart smile
Whatsallthis said it well...VVV...and it works both ways with men's expectations of women
My God, what planet are you from? Speaking from experience, if you find someone who is 70% of what you are looking for, you better march them down the aisle to the altar before someone else grabs them!
I can't believe how unrealistic women's expectations are, knowing full well that nobody (especially men, according to women) is perfect. Do women really believe they are so close to perfect just the way they are that they can expect this from a man.
And as kaylie said...
Dealbreakers break the deal. Period.
The 1% is absolutely nothing unless they are base values like monogamy vs polyamory or children vs no children...or another big one...communication vs none and another...
...Distance...especially when there doesnt have to be.
Whether a guy leaves the cap off the toothpaste, gains a few pounds, wont wear the jeans you prefer, likes to play sport occasionally...isnt an issue and you really dont have any right to put unneccessary nor unwarranted expectations like that on someone.
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:20:21 PM | How do you know if the person you are with is 'the one' for you? I've heard people say that they just know.
Yeah...you do. You look into their eyes, they fill you, they make your chest ache and your heart smile
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No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Everysingle one of us here (except 4), felt like that, way back when we first met, and now we are on a singles site.
(((The 1% is absolutely nothing unless they are base values like monogamy vs polyamory or children vs no children...or another big one...communication vs none and another......Distance...especially when there doesnt have to be.)))
Those would be more than one percent for most normal people. but for some people, they do have an odd habit THEY consider a dealbreaker. Its not real common, I hope. Maybe a woman really likes dancing..but she meets a cute fella who has no rythm, she might pass him by because of that. She might not....
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:24:20 PM | I think there are lots of 'ones', they just don't show up at the same time. Because you have doubts that he's 'the one' says a lot.
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:29:30 PM | Just from some of the differences you listed, it doesn't sound that he is in the 99% of the perfect mate for you.
how come some people are short and some are tall. He just couldn't get that people are different. (and no, he wasn't kidding!)
If someone said that to me, I would have trouble getting past it. Are you kidding! Is 100% really a must? I mean if you have to ask this stuff in a forum you have doubts. Thats more than 1%. | |
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| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:45:30 PM | Babygirl, would you agree that a person has to be true to themselves? Do you think you are being true to yourself? Then depending upon your answer......you can then take the best course of action. Good luck. :)
Remember: True strength comes from within. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| is he the one?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:47:02 PM | How do you know if the person you are with is 'the one' for you? I've heard people say that they just know.
Yeah...you do. You look into their eyes, they fill you, they make your chest ache and your heart smile
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No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Everysingle one of us here (except 4), felt like that, way back when we first met, and now we are on a singles site.
My ex husband's and mine Love grew over time. I believe he was a "soul mate" but dont believe he was The One for me...even though he was a enormous part of my life at the time and I was devoted to him nonetheless.
My story with him is in the Ripple thread floating around the forums and maybe what happened between us, was so I could move to my One...and he could move onto his One after a huge life lesson he learned with me...
Ive only felt that way about ONE man in my life who clearly felt/looked at ME in the exact same way as I looked at him.
That is very recently...and Im nearly 40 years old.
If anyone really had an concept of how rarely these people came into our lives...they wouldnt let it go...and nothing would stop them. | |
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| No, he isn't.
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:58:00 AM | For me, a good relationship is when you feel very peaceful and content when you're together; no static, easy communication. And when you're not together, you also feel somehow happy and content.
This allows you to not be together sometimes, so you can pursue your own interests, jobs, hobbys, whatever.
Feeling happy and secure when you're apart is a bigger part of a lasting relationship than having fun together, I suspect. | |
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| No, he isn't.
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:24:29 PM | I think what I have realized is that the person, for me, who is the one...is the person who brings out the best in me, not changes me, or wants to, and vice versa..
Ask yourself this... if things never change (the one's that make you go "hmmmm? or even worse, "ick"") ten years down the road, will he still bring butterflies to your stomach? Will you still be eagerly awaiting a call from him? If not.. I suggest you follow you gut, NOT your head, NOT your heart... your gut will never steer you wrong. | |
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