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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 2:19:21 AM | hello everyone, just wanted to say thanx for taking the time to drop by, and thanx to everyone who checked out my other forums.. i think they are great!
ok i had a couple of other forums posted on here and the general response i got was that he got scared, yes now looking back i can understand why. but even now i think of him everyday and the feelings i have, have not changed so there is only one thing i need to do. i need to attempt getting him back. easier said than done so thats what i need you guys for. how do i do it?????? i cant live the rest of my life with the feeling if i told him i might of changed things.......................
ok breif outline
1 ive known him for years
2 hes 50 im 27
3 hes lived on his own for 18 years
4 hes a farm contractor so he works really long hours sometimes all through the night
ok we finally got together after years of banter threating to take each other home, he was great we were great we clicked there has always been something there between us.
he was the one who pushed for more than fwb, he was the one who said he wanted to take things a whole lot further, i went with the flow then i told him i loved him! big mistake,,, he ran for the hills!!!! looking back i understand this, i must of seemed like and express train heading for him! anyway he asked to see me so i went to his house.
he held my hand, kissed me, held our bodys into each other and said he didnt think he could give me what i wanted. that he was very fond of me and that was the trouble, that i had started a feeling deep inside him that he had not felt in years. and he knew in time he would duck up and hurt me and he really didnt want that!!!!! i cried i begged bad idea i know but this was all so sudden, hed be on the phone all day calling and texting, we didnt share a cross word, the way we broke up its difficult to deal with as he was so tender with me he was nearly crying. he said hed always be here for me.............
2 weeks have passed ive sent a couple of texts but got no reply, just hi how are you? and im sorry for the way things turned out, nothing sinister
why would he compleatly ignore me after everything? is he hurting? he told me that in time he would regrett his desiccision. or is he just being horible?
ok heres the thing i need to get it through to him that im still here, let him know the way i feel, i dont feel i can close this chapter of my life without at least trying! which in your oppion is the best way for me to do this?
he has a bike meet every month should i go there?
its not that i cant get a man, and yeah i have offers but i really do feel that this one is at least worth trying to salvage.
honest oppinions much appreciated
thanx everyone and good luck
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:37:33 AM | Whoa where to start...
The age gap is erm quite large, Was this ever an issue?
He's been alone 18yrs so he's obv pretty self sufficient, and I'd imagine being alone that length of time someone in his life would be hassle, just an assumption and really only he can answer this...
Sounds like he likes the friendship but possibly feels crowded with anything more..
When someone has been alone that long it is very hard to let someone 'in'
I wouldn't pursue this, I'd let him approach you, if he wants you he will come back
Don't go to the bike meet thats gonna invade his space and possibly scare him off
Good luck
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:40:41 AM | | nope the age gap was not an issue, he was the one who pushed for more, i do understand about him living on his own that long it would be hard, but i do feel i should let him know somehow how i feel | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:14:49 AM | ok heres the thing i need to get it through to him that im still here, let him know the way i feel
op, when you think of doing that please read your own words below.......
i told him i loved him! big mistake,,, he ran for the hills!!!!
it sounds like you two were enjoying a fun flirtation and it grew to mean more than a flirtation to you. he stepped back when the dynamics changed and explained his feelings kindly and carefully
you may hear that he's a HORRIBLE person and that he was stringing you along for his own enjoyment. my feeling is that he sounds like a good guy who thinks a lot of you. after all, he chose not to use and hurt you when he discovered the opportunity was at his finger tips. he must be a man of character. i know it's hard to accept this, but he did the right thing since he doesn't share your feelings
i hope some of the wise ones will come along and post good advice on a fix for this. it sounds like he's worth maintaining a friendship with.....if you can accept a Friends relationship with him
best wishes....
leslie | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:44:32 AM | I do wish you the best of luck hun ... I dont have any advise on how to get him back ... If someone is not wanting to be with you for what ever the reason even if its cause they are scared then you both will be intering into something that is already got a problem ... I just set someone free and wont even try to get him ... I see it has if they realy wanna be with you and luv you they will come back ... I wish you the best ....
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:22:20 AM | hi , this is just an opinion and don't want a pay out session about any thing please.
he sounds like all typical men , the real one's , we are the great builders and what we are best at is building walls , emotionally that is and the longer we are left to build , the bigger and stronger it gets . he may have pulled a few bricks down to let you see in but not enough for you to get in , this takes time and love to pull down , this wall is his pride and joy don't forget and not to be treated lightly . the wall is our protector as a real man is a womens protector and as a man we know we have to look after our wall or die { how many men suicide after a failed relationship compared to women ???? } we don't have the support system women have , we have the wall . you are asking him to trade his safe wall for ??????? . simply put , it took a life time to build , it won't take as long for him to make an opening in it for him to come out and look but it will only be a man hole and only he knows where it is incase he needs a quick retreat . i know this might sound old fashioned but if you wait with respect , morally speaking , it will prove to him to make a door way open big enough for you to come through . don't chase him to do anything but let him know that you will wait for him to restsrt a relationship on his terms { men know we don't have any relationship on our terms but it sounds good at the time } don't try and work that out !!!!!! . men are not creatures of understanding the new women of today if they ever could but they can see loyalty and trust in time and flaunt this at him , we can see tits and ass any time but flaunting good old fashionism will always win and last longer . manogomy is not just a sex thing , it is also a thought and behaviour aspect too . i know this all sounds old school but it worked fairly well back then and still works now if we look hard enough , what doesn't work is forgetting that there are 2 people in relationships otherwise it is just 2 ships . hope there is something here that helps even if it just makes you think differently to make life good for you both , i sincerely wish you well | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:34:33 AM | Hi Lady..........we.ve been through this hon......it still sounds like you need closure ......Sweetie, hes given you all the clues he can by not answering your text. He knows how you feel and obviously is not willing or able to accept the love you have for him. If you push this hes going to have to get tough with you and tell you in no uncertain terms you dont have a future together. But, you have one.......a long one as your so young. Go out there and get involved with LIFE
Good Luck  | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:09:51 AM | I didn't read the whole thing but here's the thing. If he was the right guy, I love you would have done nothing but elicit a kiss or cause him to pull you in tighter, not run away.
Men often tell you that they want more than an fwb because they feel like sh*ts wanting no strings sex or they are not capable of having sex without some semblance of caring between them and their partner.
You can try to "get him back," but do you want someone that has to be dragged more or less kicking and screaming into a relationship? | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:11:44 AM | OP, you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you if they don't love you and don't want to be with you.
You have to accept his decision and try to move on from it. You'll just make yourself miserable.
Good Luck,
Krys | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:43:13 AM | I like what you said, todaysfuture, it's a good explanation of what goes on inside a man, if the women would just stop long enough to listen.
I'm projecting here, OP, but I could see myself saying the same thing he did, in that situation. I've been in 2 marriages and 2 LTRs, and each time when we broke up, I hurt that woman. I didn't like it! Find out more about his history, if you can, be interested in the little boy inside that wall. Not to make him come out, to invite him to let you come in. You'll need a lot of patience for this. My guess is, he is telling you EXACTLY what he is thinking. That he doesn't want to get close to anyone again, because he doesn't want to hurt anyone again. That's the way I feel, too.
Now, he's had a long time to get cemented into that position, and as todaysfuture said, it's not going to change quickly, if at all. But if it was me, here's what would work. Don't get pushy, and put the thought right out of your head that you can get him back. Instead, believe you never lost him. Understand he needed to go inside his wall, inside his man-cave, for awhile. Be available for him when he's ready to come out of the cave. Do the same things you did with him that attracted him in the first place ... flirt, be fun, don't be serious.
Then, when he's smiling again, decide if you can just be satisfied with that. Go with the flow, as you said you did before. That really means letting him take the lead. One day, months from now, he'll say I love you. THEN tell him you love him too. But never, never, think you've GOT him. I mean, really, we never really own each other anyway, even if our legal system is oriented around that idea. And if a Mack truck hits him the next day, you'll realize nothing at all is permanent. So just be happy for what you have, and follow his lead. Don't get ahead of him again. He's old fashioned, and that's what it's going to take. Remember, none of it is a waste of time, there's no magic goal at the end of the rainbow called marriage. The whole process of life and relationships is magic, start to finish ... every moment. If you can stay there, within each moment, that will do it. | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:50:16 AM | Maybe this will help you! First off I can agree with Krysteene on all of what she said, " you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you if they don't love you and don't want to be with you. You have to accept his decision and try to move on from it. You'll just make yourself miserable." I have been single and alone for 31 years, because of my job. I now have time to invest in a relationship, where before I didnt.
If I had someone tell me that they LOVED ME right now, and have her move real quick
in a way you did. I would maybe scare too. If you want to get him back. Try giving him all the space he needs to recoup from the scare, and let him alone to think out his thoughts and feelings, alone, without pressure from you. just maybe, that will help him overcome his fears. But, for right now, let him alone! Ne phone calls, texts, going any place he hangs out, nothing. Good luck !!!!!  | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:04:03 AM | Pull back.
If you pull back and there is anything between you both then he will move towards you. If he is feeling threaten or mad, love is strong but you can't reach him in that mood. Stop with the phone or text. messages. Put no time frame on getting him back.
Yes what I suggest is hard, but well worth the work. | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:08:33 AM | ok.... having stepped back ive realised love was a very strong word? how do i get it through to him? we wont respond to my texts, i never beleived he would do this to me!
we share alot of friends and he wont talk to them, but apparently hes changed since we split hes not the same old!
there was deffinatley a very strong connection between us, i realise where i went wrong but how do i get it through to him? texting is very un personal and can on some occasions be taken in the wrong context.
i have thrown myself into work and friends and family, ive joined the gym and have an appointment for hair extensions, i want him to be stunned when he sees me....
normally i dont get attached to men this easy and i told him that, and he said in reply that these things sometimes happen in life and that the feeling was mutual..... | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:17:08 AM | I bothers me when I a woman hear making every excuse that she can for a man's behavior. You remind me of myself defending my husband's actions when he was treating me downright wrong!!!!
Honey, he dumped you. If he appreciated you, he would be with you. It is not easy to see the truth. I am waiting for one wicked court date after EXTREME denial for forgiving horrible unacceptable abusive behavior by my ex and then my nightmare is completely 100% behind me. You are lucky enough that he has dumped you now and not dragged you any further into his problems. My life was hell on earth!
You don't need it.
You deserve a man who will love you. You deserve a man who will be here for you. You deserve a man who will give you nothing less then 100% of himself.
You do not need a runner with issues.... who throws himself into work...to waste your life away in nothingness...praying that MAYBE....."someday" he might appreciate how wonderful you are and all of the love that you have for him.
GET REAL.
FIND A MAN WHO LOVES YOU!!!!! | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:43:49 AM | I see this a lot with (chronologically) "mature" men who've been through a relationship demise trauma in the past. They recover/heal to the degree of thinking that a meaningful longterm would be a very nice thing to have,and they feel like they can "afford" it(emotionally speaking), but when they actually find themselves in the open doorway of a serious involvement, they get some kind of emotional "sticker shock" and can't close the deal. This does not make them bad men or hopelessly damaged,but it can be absolutely a PITA to be involved with a man like this, and many women choose to give them a miss in favor of a more "reliable" relationship.
My advice to you is to forget this guy and move on. It sounds like he's already severed the line of communication, by not responding to your messages. And if he does attempt to re open the deal, my advice to you is not to go there.
You are 27. Do you have children? Do you want children? If you do, forget this man and find one who has enough faith in himself to COMMIT!
Cindy O | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:05:51 AM | | OP, he may have said and felt those things toward you at one time, but look how he is behaving now!! Listen to what others are saying, especially the men, who know what they are talking about. You need to pull back right now and give him space. If you chase him, he will feel smothered and run farther away. If you show up at the bike meet, he may feel stalked. I think you need to pull back with no contact, at very least for a few weeks. Let him go to be free. If he is interested in you at all, he will start wondering what you're up to and why you haven't called. Men like a little mystery and to see that the woman respects herself. He may try to contact you again on his own time frame. You can choose to proceed slowly at that point if you are still interested in him. But I wouldn't invest too much into someone who is not invested in you. I have just read a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. I highly recommend this book. There is a chapter on singles and how to create desire in a man you are dating. Chasing the other person and professing your feeling to them never works--it is counterproductive. I know it is what you want to do and what your heart is telling you. But it will not work! If you need to say those things to someone, write them down or vent to a friend or counselor. If you do these things that are being suggested you will have the best success at him coming back. However, if it is not meant to be, there is nothing you can do to control the outcome. You may have to just let go. I guarantee you will be okay, and there WILL be someone else in your life again. | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:27:15 AM | | SEARCH THE FORUMS, see Jarbarians thread or jarbarian2. The age difference is stunning though, and the guidelines for "getting back together" in those threads are for normal people. | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:28:34 AM | Run as fast as your little legs can carry you. Do you feel used? Is that the thought of "it happened again" running through your head? That's because you were used. Allow me to spell that for you a little clearer....U-S-E-D!
Look, he had a friend with benefits...free of charge, no committments. You then lay the bomb of "I love you" on him and expect him to love you back?
Then, he runs. No great surprise there. What ever happened to, "til death do you part" before you jumped in the sack? Or, even..yes, we have a committed relationship, because I love you and you love me?
I'll tell you what happened to those feelings. Ladies that end up fbuddies is what happened to them. Look, ladies, if you want these guys to say, "I love you", and mean it...have a little respect for yourselves. Don't sleep with someone just because. Anyone ever hear of morals?
Yes, it takes restraint, but if you're going to give yourself to anyone, just because they're your friend, then, expect to be USED! | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:48:49 AM | If you want to get him back, you have to start by not calling him or texting him at all. It could take two weeks or two months, but eventually he will call you. When and if he does call, let the conversation be light. Don't talk about your feelings and that you missed him. Let the conversation be a happy one, and you be the first one to hang up. Believe me if he knows your happy and not just focusing on him, than it will take the pressure off of him.
This advice was given to me to help erase some mistakes, and it works. It is hard to do, but it really works. If he brings up the subject of why you guys broke up, than tell him you don't really want to talk about this right now. Let him see the happy girl that first attracted him, not the scared one that pushed him away. If the two of you get back, there will be plenty of time for that conversation. You want to erase what you did wrong, and this is how to do it.
Good Luck!! and don't let people make you think he isn't worth it, cause he is. People bail much too fast today. He sounds like he is worth the effort. Use this time for you, when and if you ever get together let him see you shine. Let him know that he is missing out on something and someone so good.
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:58:43 AM | thanx tmotts, that is the oppinion most people are putting forward...
did it really work for you? i do feel that i have not totally lost him i feel things moved to fast for him to comprehend after being on his own so long!
i just need how to figure out how i get him back! i know i said it before but ill say it again.. ive had f~@? buddies before and i can honestly say there was a whole lot more to our relationship than that. i do beleive he got scared, and i do beleive he cares i just need him to know that im here | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:02:15 AM | i just realized that i when i posted i completely missunderstood the nature of the relationship!
absolutely go with the advice of tmotts! | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:46:19 PM | Yes it did work, and believe me he knows how you feel and that your there. If the man really does have feelings for you than he will somehow contact you. You just have to be patient, and also keep things upbeat and light when he does call or contact you. If he doesnt, after some time, than you can make it a point to meet up with him. But that is only after you have waited awhile. The way you react to him when he does make contact is crucial. Even if it hurts you should force yourself to smile and be happy during your short conversation with him. Keep it to no more than 10 minutes, and don't discuss him leaving, there will be plenty of time for that if you too get back together. Let him see exactly what he was originally attracted to and let him miss you.
Use this time to get yourself together, and look as pretty as possible. I also want to mention that you should not rush back to being intimate too soon. This will let him know that you expect more from your relationship than just F###k buddies. You still have the power to right what went wrong.
I know I have repeated myself on certain things, but that is just because I feel very strongly about it. In order to understand him, you have to almost think like a man. Listen to some of the men on this forum, their wisdom comes from experience. They are trying to make you see things from a male perspective.
Good Luck, I am totally on your side. Some things and some people are worth fighting for. But sometimes the fight has to be a strong and silent one. | |
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| confused,, how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:00:15 PM | | Oh stop it already. Quit your whining and get on with things. Don't wait around for ANYONE. If it's meant to be it will...sheesh. | |
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