| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 2:51:37 PM | If you’re just dating, then its OK to be seeing more than one person. Right?
But once you’ve decided to be a committed couple, monogamy is the way. No problem there.
But relationships change, some get stronger, while others fade away. My problem is that two of them are becoming stronger almost simultaneously! What am I to do? So I turn to the POF Forum community for suggestions.
In one of them, she’s already to the point of ‘lets get more serious.’ And on the plus side, we’ve been able to communicate very openly, and I’ve been able to tell her about the other one, without jeopardizing my relationship with her (rare catch, eh?)
The other one I have not yet been able to tell her, as our communication and trust levels aren’t that high. She lives farther away, but I’ve known her longer, and quite some time ago I had promised some time (a trip) with her this summer, to which she’s really looking forward to.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? What did you do? Did it work?
Or is it all just so f*cked up that there’s no way out? | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:01:40 PM | What a tangled web we weave when we practive to deceive...
We are all different so I am just offering my opinion. My opinion is just that, my opinion.
I think that it is wise to just date one person at a time. See if it will work out or not. If it does not work out, go to another person. We are not kids who need to have everything or sample everything in a candy store. Woman and men deserved to be treated well and leading them on is not being treated well.
If you are getting more serious with both, why just give one the advantage of knowing there are really two ladies in your life? When it starts to get serious with both, you need to make a decision because now you are leading on the one who lives farther away.
Another example of someone who needs their ego stroked by dating multiple people.
I remember once asking someone if they were seeing other people and he said no. He would not do that to me. Later I found out he was seeing someone and had a girlfriend too. Shame, shame, shame. But karma is good and now he is alone and miserable and wondering why he cannot get a girlfriend. His spots were shown to the world.
~Carrie | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:11:07 PM | | Wow...I try to use the Golden Rule..treat others the way you would want to be treated...and in case you are wondering..No, I would not want to be treated that way. And I doubt that you would either. I wonder why you havent told the other lady yet, probably because you know she would be gone in a New York minute. And so would I. I hope that you are not being intimate with both. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:16:44 PM | | sounds to me like you are already leaning torwards the first one, follow that gut. It seems to me like you might take that trip out of guilt since you promised her but in the long run thats a bad idea. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:59:15 PM | I think you're on a massive ego trip and you don't really care about either of them.
Better to let both of them go but maybe you're not really into having a loving relationship. As one of the other posters said, do as you would be done by.. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:09:24 PM | I think that there has to be a cut off point when you are dating two people. Yeah maybe the first couple of dates or so with each person, you should be at the point where you know which one you would rather be with.. but to me you sound like youve been playing them both for a while now and your quite happy to have your cake and eat it.
Even so its not something i would do. Id have a couple of dates with one, if it wasnt to be then id move on and try someone else. You sound like you know both well enough to make that decision now, and if you cant do it now you never will. Its time to take the gamble and not have one or the other to fall back on. Hey, just my humble opinion. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:15:57 PM | I believe you have answered your own question....the lady that knows you have another interest is open, honest and you have reached a comfortable level of trust between the two of you.
The other, in which you have not told that you are interested in another lady (but you have known longer), seemingly has you holding back because you have not developed a comfortable level of trust with her.
Personally, if you have not "been able" to tell the later of the two seemingly sends up a red flag in my eyes...perhaps there is a reason why you feel that you cannot or do not want to tell her. In the same token, you feel good because you have a back-up in case the more trusting lady does not work out.
I thnk you need to look deep within yourself to come to the conclusion of what it is that you want. Do you want to be monogamous or do you want to date? I think that is the real question here.
Wish you the best in your journey  | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:17:30 PM | Problem one. You have not been honest and open with BOTH of them. Which shows that you know that you have something to hide.
You should have known which one you were into and was into you earlier on. Like the other poster said. Seems like you wanted your cake and eat it too.
Try being honest with the one you haven't told. She if she sticks around. Probably not though, and you know this, or you would have told her already.
Either way, you are playing with their hearts and that is unacceptable.
This is why it's always best to give one person your attention, when you are in the initial stages of a relationship, so that you give that person a full chance.
In this case it was the one you knew first.
All I can say now, is that you need to tell the one that you haven't told yet.
Good Luck...
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:21:45 PM | I'm sorry, I can't relate...I've not been able to do 2 at once, at least, not to this degree. At some point, one has to bow out of one and take that chance on the other.
I think you got in this predicament cause you were only open and honest with 1 of them...but you realize that, right? 
I don't think any of us can really help you. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 4:26:46 PM | The answer to your initial question to me would be yes....when you are dating then you should be able to see more than one person. But it is hard to answer the rest of your question because we are not given all the details. Like....How long have you been dating both women? And why doesn't the other woman know that your seeing someone else? (maybe subconciously you know what your doing isn't the right thing) Are these women also seeing other people? Are you being intimate with both women? Seems to me (like another poster wrote) that you seem to be leaning more towards the woman who lives closer....and she also happens to be the one you are able to talk to more freely with...that maybe you should try and see how it works out in a commited relationship with her....... | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:15:54 PM | Man I feel for you... been squeezed in similar myself, decided I couldn't handle the stress load. Not cut out for it, lol.
Seems to me one is sounding a little more compelling to you... and I think that's when it is time you let go of the other. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:42:34 PM | I can't help you other than to offer the fact that it will work out as it is meant to and perhaps if there is ever a time you are single again that you do as I do - to put your attention and energy into just one person at a time (because I just can't put it into more than one).....it keeps things so much simpler and no need for deceit or dilemma or choices, or weighing up, or comparisons.....
I also made a promise to myself years ago never to get involved with anyone who is involved with anyone else in any degree.....you say you could tell the first one of your also seeing the other .....and she was supportive and accepting of this? If so, I can only imagine she sees you as a friend with benefits then and has no real emotional connection with you.....but the fact that you couldn't tell the 2nd one due to not as much trust indicates to me that is your sign right there you are doing something that is karmic.....and canoist, honestly, I'm surprised because you seemed to be a genuine and honest guy from other posts I've read of yours.
Well, I'd say whatever discomfort you are now experiencing is because you haven't honored both womens' choices of whether they wish to get involved with you, or not, if you are seeing another. You see, it's not just your choice here of seeing two women at once - truly I think it should be their's also if they want to see you under these circumstances. I know I wouldn't.....even if just for dating.
I also suspect the real reason you have not told the one you haven't is because you sort of know she would not be happy with the news. Funny, you say it doesn't have the trust level - well, who would trust you - you are seeing two women at once and getting closer to both. What trust are you looking for? The kind that doesn't care what you do?
Seems you have little hope with the one you've deceived. Remember there's always womens' intuition that is pretty sharp with most women I know. She will sense something is going on even if you have never told her. And it seems no matter what you do, it is going to hurt her......and you too then. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:51:53 PM | hmmm tricky... if you already have a wants to move it to a more serious level happening with someone.. doesn't sound like someone made the Look notice i'm committed to someone before the two reach an almost but not quite... simultanious combustion.... it's ok.. it doesn't come with a warning light.. look notice.. lights RED...
salvage.. sure.. best bet.. come clean as snot with the most open minded an honest with the you've reached a decision an you want to move this up a notch.. and best flowers an sorrows you've met someone an feel the other deserves to find her that someone cause you ain't it... and step lively.. cause it can allllllllll blow up in yer face an yer standing on a street corner can a pencils in yer hand....
no.. i've seen several, but have been foresighted enough, lucky enough and or just simple what communicatons are all about open enough not to have to have faced such.. good luck... | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:54:32 PM | If you decide to go on that trip you will most like lose the first one.
I once had two women interested in me, and chose the one I knew longer, rather then the other one despite not really knowing the first girl that well anyways. I did not work out in the end.
Choose the first one I would say, you like them both and the first is less of a gamble. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:04:19 PM |
I’ve been able to tell her about the other one, without jeopardizing my relationship with her (rare catch, eh?)
My guess is that she is probably in the same boat as you. She just wants you to make the first move and break it off with your #2 so she can break it off with hers.
Now about your #2 and your trip you promised, you said it was quite some time ago, peoples plans change. Life goes on....... Ah Hell...... marry them both!!!! | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:04:34 PM | First, Don't listen to the girls who are beating on you. You haven't given enough information as of yet for them to jump to the assumptions that they have.
I don't see anywhere that you've said you've actually gotten serious with any girl yet even though things are pushing hard that direction.
The first mistake you made was not telling each girl up front that you are dating around.
But since you didn't, you have two choices. Drop one. Or make sure to tell all of them now where you stand and where they stand. They have a right to know that so they can make choices that are best for them.
Just look at it this way... It's not all about you. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:39:35 PM | It doesn't seem to me that you've been particularly dishonest. If you haven't had the "commitment" talk, you're not committed. I don't see why you would have to explain to either of them that you're seeing someone else unless you've somehow indicated to either (or both) of them that she is your one and only. If I am communicating with or dating someone (not sleeping with), I assume he is also communicating with and dating other women. It would be foolish of him not to if he's genuinely interested in finding someone permanent because I'm not promising anything. Maybe I'll commit later and maybe I won't; we'll see what develops . . . and that's how it's supposed to work.
Of course you should be able to date more than one person at a time. Becoming exclusive after the first or second date defeats the purpose of dating, and it screams of neediness. As I've said a billion times before on these forums, people expect *way* too much *way* too early in the dating arena.
It does, however, sound like you're more interested in the open/easy-to-talk to one. Plus, she's local to you, right? To me, if you're feeling like you have to pick, this seems like a no brainer. The one you like better is the one you should hang onto . . . and it's quite clear which one you like better. It's not your problem that the other one was looking forward to the trip--the fact that she's indicated this to you in a way that makes you think she may be hurt if you cancel just adds another reason why she's probably the one who's got to go; she needs too much from you already, and you're not even in a "relationship" yet. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:49:02 PM | | Well I am really impressed that you told one about the other that is huge. Good karma for you, and doing the right thing is always difficult. But it seems to me that you know which one is the better bet. The one you told, as you said the other one's trust levels are not that high yet. Trust is not freely given and takes time to cultivate and earn. I think trust is the hardest thing to solidify in a relationship especially when things are so open. I never give trust out that freely, it is earned with actions and not words over time. Anyone that just gives into it so easily and quickly is far to immature, and emotionally incapable of the grasping the basics of what it takes to make a relationship work. No one has a crystal ball on what you should do, and it may take you 10 years to figure out you ended up with the wrong person. Something obvious here is that you may not be ready for a committed relationship as your dating both, and that is ok take your time, you only live once and if you have already been divorced it is not a situation that is easy to survive a second time. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:01:14 PM | Op, I can sympathize with you... I was in a similar predicament a few months ago.. well I thought I was gonna be in a similar predicament a few months ago.. but one of the men I was dating told me that he had a former girlfriend in another state that he wanted to keep on seeing even if it was on a sporatic basis. So problem solved I didn't have to choose.. but I was sweating bullets.
I will say this.. of the two I knew which one I wanted..
So go with the one you want..
And as far as I am concerned multiple dating is fine.. I always assume any man I am dating is dating others till there is a committment to being mutually exclusive made. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:05:47 PM | Well, you did claim to be a sex god on that other thread...
I dunno... you can always use the scientific approach: eenie meenie miney mo.
Personally, I don't like to even email seriously/talk on the phone with more than one person... At one point person needs to focus on one person only, and see where it goes... If you keep being distracted by new shiny objects every week, it will lead nowhere with all of them.
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:20:45 PM | Found yourself in a conundrum, huh?
WELL, which one of them do you like more? Ask yourself that.
I don't do two at the same time.
Wouldn't be fair to me or him. Just my opinion though.
Just wondering.....if OP is bragging or complaining? Not sure.
If you think both are "into you" and looking more for serious relationship then
you should pick one. Unless of course you aren't looking for a more serious relationship yourself. You don't say what you are looking for.
If the one you speak of is "lets get more serious" and is also accepting of what you told her about the other one......my guess is really, down deep she isn't as accepting as you might think, right now. That is IF she is really of the "lets get more serious" mindset. And if she IS actually more serious then you better think of which one to pick before more time fritters away. So, what if you meet someone else? Add them too. Just wonderin'
Just sayin'
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:21:36 PM | | I dont go out with more than one man at a time. I insist on monogamy and if it isnt there then he gets dumped for someone who will be faithful. But thats just me. To each his own. If thats what you like then you have to live with your own mess. I wouldnt continue to date someone who told me they were seeing other people. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:36:13 PM | OP ~ The way I see it is this ~ If your girl#1 is all about getting 'more serious', but she knows about girl #2 , and you choose to go on this trip with girl #2 ~ That is probably gonna put a big ole mess right in the middle of your relationship with girl #1. On the other side, since girl #2 doesn't know about girl #1 but is expecting you to go on a trip with her and you do go on this trip and she finds out about girl #1 (and she will find out) ~ Well, it's just gonna get ugly.
Thats all I got to say about that.
~fly | |
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