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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:13:10 PM | I’m sure this will sound like a pretty ridiculous question but is there a way to learn how to be content & single? I guess I should 1st explain that I fell in love at a very early age …15. The blonde, blue-eyed object of my love & I went together all through high school & got married shortly after graduation. We remained married for 30 yrs before our divorce almost 4 yrs ago. The first 20 yrs of our marriage was wonderful … like heaven on earth. Unfortunately, the last 10 yrs grew increasingly difficult when my wife became entangled in addictions that eventually took control of her life & for a short while mine.
Fast forward to my 50th birthday. I find myself single. The youngest of my children has graduated from high school & is starting college. I find myself truly alone for the first time, confused & lost. I decide what I need to do is focus on me for the 1st time in as long as I can remember & address some issues that were remnants of my failed marriage. So with the help of a wonderful psychologist I did just that. I dealt with the depression. I tackled the misplaced guilt of not being able to keep my marriage together. And I started the process of rediscovering who I am as a person. After 2 yrs I finally found the courage to date with the hope of meeting someone special & starting a new relationship.
2 yrs later here I am … still alone, perhaps a little more coherent than I was back then but pretty much as lost as I was 4 yrs ago. I’ve made all the mistakes everyone makes when dating & hopefully I’ve learned a little something along the way. I’ve made some good friends but it still feels like a big part of me is missing … a part of me that I can’t seem to get back. I know what I need to do … accept my situation & do the best with it. I know it’s wrong to expect to find my happiness through a relationship with someone else. But at the end of the day there is still a loneliness that I simply can’t shake & that follows me wherever I go. Everyone tells me I’m a nice guy & I know that’s not all bad but I can’t help from wanting more. I want someone to share my life with.
So my question is … how do I learn to accept being single? How do I find comfort knowing I don’t have someone special to share my life with & I may never find her? Trust me … this is not something I focus on 24/7. I have my son & my daughter who are the greatest blessings in my life. I have 2 grandsons & a brand new granddaughter who I love very much. And I have a big, furry keeshond/husky canine that greets me at the door every day when I get home. All of those things are very important to me but they don’t close up this big hole that was created when my marriage ended.
It’s only been 4 yrs for me & I realize after a 30 yr marriage that’s not very long. But I was hoping maybe some of you who have had longer to deal with this issue might be able to provide me with some words of wisdom that might make things a little easier. Any & all thoughts are welcome.
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:20:10 PM | Gary, I wish I could be the one to advise you, but I can only empathize with you. I don't like being single one bit, and I don't think I'm any good at it.
Now there are any number of forum regulars who talk a lot about how they don't need another person in their lire, although it would be nice to have one. Not me. I need one. I don't have one, but that is what I need.
Good luck, sweetie. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:26:44 PM | Accepting being single? Not a chance ~ which is why I turn to POF to have some sort of "interactions" with other adults my age. It is not easy nor is it my choice to be single, but yet here I am. .. . . still fishing (smiles).
I read the forums and sometimes I reply. I do find comfort in knowing that others are out there in the same boat, so to speak, and we all search for acceptance and a chance to maybe, someday meet the person our dreams are made of.
Never give up and never let the past swallow you. There are so many good people in the world and POF is a big circle of 'friends'.
Hoping you will soon find your inner peace.
~fly | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:29:44 PM | I absolutely HATE being single. I go thru the motions of the day, and then the next. I smile and laugh and work and spend my time with family but the truth of the matter is I Hate not having that ONE person there for me. That proverbial soft place to land. I hate not having the luxury of the sound of his heartbeat lulling me to sleep. We adjust I guess but if we could all be truly happy being single wouldn't ALL of us stay that way.
Just my humble thoughts. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:32:39 PM | so I am the first that post here and admit I am a very happy single.... I am 51, was married for 18 years, married again that last 3 months and the last 2 years I was single...and I never enjoyed my life that much as I do it now and I am not interested to change that in the next years...I feel totally free...I decide even the colour on the walls....did you ever had this freedom to decide what colour you would like in your bedroom?? Perhaps that is the reason that I feel home the first time of my life....my home, my castle...and I don´t know whether I ever will be able to do compromises again in the future...sure I love female company for some time, but then I love to close the door behind them and just enjoy my peace..  | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:13:30 PM | Gary,ive read similar posts from you & i do feel for you...........
But,im single & unlike you,im happy with being single,coz im uuhmm....just happy !!
But this is just my nature....its not something that can be "taught".
I cant really explain it to you,coz no one can teach you how to be happy,but it is possible to be alone & happy.......wish i could give you some constructive advice....
Sounds like you have your children,grandchildren,dog,etc,but you still feel empty,& thats really sad,& my heart goes out to you.
Guess you can continue dating & living in hope of finding someone to fill that big, empty hole in your life,but,if you dont meet that special someone,you're just going to have to learn to find inner peace and happiness within yourself & not be looking for any one else to give that to you.
Appreciate everything & everyone you HAVE got in your life,ok,& not what/who you dont have......................
Wishing you the best .......
 | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:27:37 PM | | You don't have to learn how to be single... you're single...that's it! You simply have to learn how to take care of yourself and not depend on someone else. Outside of that you have to accept that you make your own decisions about everything and only you can misguide yourself. I am like many others... fell into deep depression for a few months before I could actually deal with it and feel like I was recuperating. For me the biggest challenge has been to fake it when with a woman, act like nothing is bothering me, and not talk about my past girl friend, ex-wife or whatever. I don't like being alone at all but am far better with it than in the past. I had a wonderful woman that I lost her love and respect and felt like it killed me. It is hard to not dwell on it but that's a huge part of the key. I wallowed in it for a while and struggled to work and do things. I actually considered some things I did to be nothing more than "practice". I met a lady on a date site and we went a couple of places together only as friends. I dated some and it helped to simply get out of the house. Just getting out and doing things ... ANYTHING... and not sitting and procrastinating worked miracles. The more time I could stay busy the better it was. Some times I couldn't wait to go to bed just to escape the horrible feelings I had. Fortunately I ran into an old bud who we would go shoot pool and it was good therapy. I dated an old girl friend from 30 years ago and she heard everything I blubbered to her. I would love for some female to drop out of the sky and move in with me but I know that at my age we are going to have differences. Many of the women I meet are extremely judgmental and suspicious. I don't know if I'll always be single or not, but I know that I have to be careful and accepting when I do meet women. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:54:31 PM | | After 7 years on my own I often wonder what I'm doing on this site. Worried that at times it gives me false hopes, yet as I dont go out to bars etc. its a place of possibility. Overtime I've learned to appreciate just being alive. I hear other married couples who live unhappy lives cause they feel the need to remain in them. Then there's the others who have other lives trials, death, child problems etc. and that makes me appreciate the time I have, even if it is alone. I'm settled where I am and try to make the best of each day.....whats the alternative? hating life? In trying to keep busy with my bike, garden, work and house I try to have little time to focus on whats not in my life. Although there's still some nights as I crawl into bed I'd love nothing more than to have some special arms around me. Hope and faith that l will have that special person in my life again is what allows me to accept where I am today....enjoying life as it is. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:03:04 PM | Gary, it is very painful and there is no class you can take to teach it to you, no pill to make the pain go away. I married young, the day after high school graduation and married someone in their 20's that was in a very public position. We lived in a fish bowl. When he left for another after 15 years, I was so crushed, lonely and felt a lot of guilt over the failure of my marriage, had a very low self esteem and would pray daily for my marriage to be back together. But I had to learn that, as much as I wanted it to happen and bargained with God, that my ex-husband had a free will of his own and that was the way that life was to be. I found myself at 32 years old and a single adult for the first time in my life. I did not know how to react to some things. As I said before, we had lived a very public life and the gossip was flying. I would not date for 3 1/2 years because of of being in the spotlight and not wanting my kids to have any more trauma to their lives. Then I went back to college, graduated and moved away where I was just known as ME, not by someone else. It is sort of funny to remember but after over 3 years of singleness, I started dating a nice man from my church and I was so careful of the appropriateness of it all,(how late he stayed at my house etc, etc etc) and one night he said, "Dixie, you are not married to Ron any longer and no one here is watching how you behave. They really don't care what you do." I had trouble learning to be single for sure. But in the end, I learned to not try to think of the whole rest of my life at one time, just take it a little bit at a time. I would imagine me living to 80 and just think of being single and alone for 50 years. It was overwhelming. And I had to learn to talk to friends and not try to cover up our problems anymore. I had to quite tring to protect my former husband. And as corny as this sounds to some, God was always there for me, he understood all that I was going through. Still it is not the same as having a mate for life and I do miss that, not just for the sexual part (well, that too) but for that special person for me, my best friend, companion and lover.
Hang in there! You are a nice guy and your heart is in the right place. You are going to be ALL RIGHT. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:14:06 AM | Hi ..yes I can identify with your feelings about being single....I was in a marriage for nearly 30 years and I wonder if its the length of time that we were in a relationship that affects us? I certainly dont want my ex back ...and I'm not desperate for a new partner ....its just not feeling 'right' being single even after 4 years....despite good friends and family....I dont know why???
Lois | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:35:40 AM | Hey Gary...how r ya?...you know this is a tough one I think for most of us. I lean toward what Guesswhoo has written about appreciating being 'alive'. Perhaps it's not learning to be single, but learning to accept the silence when your alone.
I try to focus more on what I do have, opposed to really feeling the emptiness. I work with abused Youth and so every day when I come home I'm pretty grateful for my children and the fact that they have turned out to be wonderful women.
When my girls had decided to go off to University after raising them alone, wow, I couldn't even watch them pack!..lol. But I sat 'still ' for awhile, and as you have done, learned who I'am all over again. That was tough.
Now, I have a list of the things I'am thankful for that sits on my dresser where it is visible to me in the morning when I wake up, and at night when I crawl into that 'empty' place. However, positive mind I find...I'm just determined that he's out there, he just hasn't found his way to me yet...lol...chin up Gary...it appears you have alot of support on here and most people so far come from a humble place.....peace... | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:42:42 AM |
I’m sure this will sound like a pretty ridiculous question but is there a way to learn how to be content & single?
Yea, give up!
OK, in a more politically correct format.
Your desire is what causes the frustration. If you stop desiring the non single life, it won't bother you to be single.
Check out the Buddhist precepts, they make sense.
If you think about what your saying, you are depending on someone else to hold your loneliness at bay and that's a big order to fill. Kind of scary for someone to approach because then you might base a relationship on propping up a barrier to this loneliness and most people don't want to put that energy into propping up that barrier. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:33:24 AM | Gary,
Being from a family of very long marriages. it was difficult for me to adjust being an adult and single. Married for 23+ years and one short term before that, I had not been single in my adult years. It took perhaps 1 year to finally be comfortable alone and not contantly seeking a partner to complete me. Once you feel complete with yourself deep inside, the need to find a mate fades into doing the things that make you happy.
It's very hard for our generation to accept being a single adult, to NOT eat ALL the food on the plate( I can still feel the tweak on my ears to eat it all or not leave the table).
Breaking old safe and conditioned habits is tough to say the least.
I think the best thing for a newly single adult is to get involved in activities you enjoy and I would bet before you know it, that special someone will find you...
I think my friend you are living in the past inside and need to open your heart and mind to a new beginning and life you can enjoy. I am the most guilty of working too much, running fast in life and not enjoying who and what is around me.
Hang with some friends, go out and make new friends..you;ll soon discover while old feelings remain, they just fall back in importance.
Good luck my friend,
dusty
fishin is better than wishin...
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:40:25 AM | For me, the secret to being happily single is to keep busy and have a group of friends. I found that staying home alone is the worst thing I can do, so I signed up for several volunteer jobs that provide a social outlet as well as giving me a sense of purpose. I go to concerts, movies, museums, travel, and ride my bike.
Sure, I'd like to find that special person, but that seems to be a nearly impossible thing to find. So many of the women in the 45+ age group seem to have the attitude of "I'm happily single and don't need a man". At this point I figure I'll just do my normal activities and perhaps someone will come along who wants to date. If she doesn't, then I'm still enjoying my activities. I'm not going to try to force something that isn't meant to be.
I've found the POF forums to be very helpful because I see many people with the same concerns and problems so I know that my situation is not unique. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:48:48 AM | I don't know that it is a good idea to learn to be happy single. It seems rather defeatist and I think it is one of the biggest hurdles this over 45 group faces, and that is: those who become so comfortable in their single hood they make no room for another.
In that respect it is a curse to be happy being single.
Yet what is the alternative? To be unhappy being single? Well then how would you ever attract a mate with that mind set? | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:35:20 AM | This is a tough one, indeed. I'll never be happy being single. I'll learn to be happy with myself (once I figure out who that "self" is), but being without someone to love and care for will never make me happy.
I've had 3 relationships in my life (sad at my age). The last one was 24 years. He survived 5 brain injuries during the course of our marriage and I basically raised 4 children alone: him and our 3 daughters. My oldest and youngest daughters both deserted the family before they were 18 because they couldn't deal with the brain injury problems any more. My middle daughter survived 4 brain injuries during the last 8 years of her life. When she died unexpectedly in early 2006, one week after her 22nd birthday, her father chose to abandon our family and simply disappear. No one has seen him since.
More than 20 years ago I got into equine rescue. I took in horses that were abused, starved, neglected, unwanted, elderly, and crippled. For years I specialized in blind horses. Again, I was a full-time caregiver.
In 2006 I lost my daughter and my father on the same day 12 hours apart (and they shared the same birthday), my horses, my home, my marriage, my pride, my self-esteem. My youngest moved back in with me for more than a year. She has since moved back to her own life. I am alone for the first time in my life. No matter how busy I keep myself, it's just not enough. Without loved ones to care for, I'm lost. I have a lot of love to give that special someone.
I don't like going to bars (and I've been told that this alone makes me undateable). I'm a homebody, and my biggest joys are in being away from crowds. I'm not terribly social. Those are the only things I'm "sure" of about myself. I guess finding "me" will be a journey of discovery. I can't give up on finding someone special to share the rest of my life with. The alternative (being lonely and bitter) is too frightening for me.
"They" tell me that time heals all wounds. That has yet to be proven to my satisfaction. "They" also tell me that in order to be truly happy, I must find myself. "They" just never make any suggestions about how I can accomplish that.
I'll survive. Only because I have no other choice. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:56:17 AM | | ^^^^^ we all have certain tramas in our life that are difficult to let go of. And, I'm by no means someone who can heal all that your heart has gone through, but know the feeling of pain in loosing those close to you. I just know that those I've lost would want me to move on and I focus on the good times we had, sure I wish I could have them all back again, but I can't. I now find satisfaction to hear others talking about happy times with those they love and if they are frustrated with those loved ones I always give a couple of words of remembrance to them....that they are lucky to still have them. You are a definate caregiver and I commend you on being that. We all survive because we have to, but what I feel is important is how we handle that task. Time doesn't heal all the wounds, I feel it allows you breathing space and the knowledge to see your life and accept what you've been given and to know how important it is to go on and live life. Take care. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:10:14 AM | Oh, I SO relate; I had a 31 year (abusive) "marriage"....It took all of the courage I had to get a divorce.......being the "poster-child" for the fear of being alone/abandonment.
Three years later; still alone. I tell people that I don't live one day at a time; sometimes it is one second at a time.
I know I am blessed to have 2 children and 4 beautiful grandchildren, and wonderful friends, but we weren't meant to be alone, and it is UNnatural for me.
I am not willing to settle though, and won't be with someone, just to say I have a partner.
Unfortunately, there are no answers.......I am the moderator of an abused survivors group, written my memoir, published in a psychiatric journal, and have been working like a Trojan, to make a difference in the world.
I will "keep the faith" and pray and hope for all of us here, that our dreams will be fulfilled.
Love, Rossal | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:15:30 AM | | Thank you for those kind words, Guesswhoo. I try so hard to focus on the good things. It's just difficult when there aren't many good things in my life. Just yesterday my "recovery" from my daughter's death was thrown back to square one. The attorneys have asked me to relive the last 24 hours of her life, in detail on paper. Just when I thought I was making progress with moving on, it all came screaming back. The pain, the fear, the anxiety, the nightmares, the loneliness, the emptiness, the devastation, the rage. It took me more than 2 years just to be able to sleep undisturbed for 2 hours every night. I was learning to laugh again. I was finally able to look at pics of her and not cry. I was finally able to think of her and smile. That's all gone now. I just hate starting over. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:21:29 AM | Hi Gary
After reading your initial post, I can truly feel your loneliness, pain and what I call a 'fear factor'. You spent 20 out of 30 years in a marriage that was fulfilling, loving and constant. The last 10 were spent in a sort of black hole where you felt unsure, panicked, detached and helpless. I think what you are hoping to find are those FIRST 20 years you shared with your X, in someone else.
After my X and I separated, before divorcing, I too was in limbo. This was not how I had invisioned my life's path. When he and I took our vows, I knew in my heart this would last forever. We were, so I thought, the perfect couple. I was wrong. After over 23 years of marriage and one child, I found myself on the other side of the fence looking back and wondering what happened and what now. Time has passed, we are now divorced, but some of the 'scaring' remains. Hence the 'fear factor'.
Once the proverbial dust had settled from our separation, I decided that dating would help me come out of my self-made prison of aloneness. I was wrong yet again. My choices of dates were a disaster. Not only did I not know who or what I really wanted, trust in men remained a large issue for me. Emotionally I wasn't ready to accept the fact that another man could love, want or accept who I was.
I've been on my own now for over 8 years. I've learned that in order to 'allow' anyone into my heart, I needed to allow myself in there first. Like you, I took time to figure out who "I" was and how and where I wanted to see my life's direction head in.
I reconnected with old friends and made new ones, changed career paths, living accomodations, became involved in some volunteer work and bought a bicycle. My friends, some of whom are happily married, love me for who I am. My family's love and devotion never waivered. Changing careers opened up new avenues and insights and showed me that I AM capable of change and can survive quite well. Volunteering made me realize that there are so many unfortunate souls out there who may never have the chances, whereforall or opportunities that I have been blessed with. Buying a bicycle simply gives me joy and good excersise when riding along the water's edge near where I live.
So yes, here I am, still single, but now I only wonder SOME OF THE TIME if I'll ever meet someone to share life with. I've come to realize that perhaps not everyone is meant to be, or have, a significant other. That sometimes there are other plans for our being here. Plans we can't alter or change, but can only improve upon and enjoy while we can.
Being single is not a disease. It need not be unpleasant. It is only what YOU make of it.
Until someone enters into your life that fulfills you, gives and receives love without questions and conditions, be happy for all the wonderful things you have NOW in your life, Gary.
As someone once said, life is not a dress rehersal, but a final performance, so give it all you've got!
God Bless you Gary. You come across as a very sincere gentleman and a loving and devoted father and grandfather. Your star already shines brightly. Let its light guide you in all you are and do and you WILL be fine. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:24:25 AM | So, my question is ... how do I learn to accept being single? How do I find comfort knowing I don't have someone special to share my life with & I may never find her? Trust me ... this is not something I focus on 24/7.
From my own observations, there are two "extreme" types of singles. The first type are those that love every minute of their single life. Are they fooling themselves, pretending to others, that their life is peachy -keen? Maybe. Maybe not.
The other type are those that are desparate to meet someone. Are they singles, who haven't learned how to enjoy their own company or don't feel worth, unless they're in a relationship? Maybe. Maybe not.
After being single for seven years, it's been a definate learning curve for me. It's been about looking at my life/lifestyle and accepting being single, whether I like it or not.
It's been about changing my attitude and finding balance in my life. It's been about accepting my lonely feelings when I've had a bad day, and knowing " this too shall pass". During the course of the years, I now have more good days than bad days, more good weeks than bad weeks and more good months than bad months.
Now, instead of waiting to find a mate in order to live life, I make plans. Today, I'm planning a date with myself to see a matinee and have dinner. Next week, I'm going on a two-week vacation all by myself. Do I like doing these things alone? NO!
So, why am I making plans? Because living life, waits for no-one and just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't enjoy my life, even with the "relationship hole" and all.
And hopefully this adage is true. " God laughs when we're busy making plans"
All the best Gary........ | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:43:50 AM | | Boy, I can see the eyes rolling as everyone reads this, but I believe in order to find happiness in a relationship, you first have to be happy being alone. In my youth I had this almost desperation to be part of a "we". Because I didn't date much, I ended up staying in a relationship because I thought it was better than nuttin. Thankfully I eventually grew up and learned to like my own company. I think if you look for a partner from the mind set of "avoiding being alone", you end up with less than is really right for you. If you are seeking a partnert from a position of being content with your own company, then you will end up finding someone to ENHANCE your life...and not just someone to FIX it. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:55:35 AM | If you really look around, you will likely find that you are not really single in any absolute sense. There are people, relationships, activities, friends, relations etc in your life, and once you open yourself to the opportunities that are presented daily, you will see a way to get to where you are going.
There is no doubt that being able to open yourself to new opportunities requires some time and personal work, and on average you can expect something like 25% or the duration of your relationship to pass before you recover completely from who you were and become someone who is completely free to move on.
A good type of work is to change your surroundings as best you can, and seek out activities that you like to do. Every scrap of thing that is connected to your ex is something that weighs you down, so get rid of it if you can. Obviously, family is not to be discarded, and complete freedom is not something many of us have, but you still savour thoughts of your ex during the good times, so that tells me that you are not yet ready to move on.
I don't suggest regretting your fond memories, but to supplant them with new fond memories. When that happens, you will rapidly get to wherever you want to be.... | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:00:23 AM | For me, there are way too many things around me in life to be thankful for...
so I made a VERY CONCENTRATED effort, several years ago (right after my accident), to be constantly very aware of what I am thankful for.. really see it, all the time, around me... and actually say a "thank you" out loud.
Even just "thank you" for little things.... everything!
Gary, after awhile my constant 'thankfulness' just became a part of me.
And, within that, there isn't much room for much frustration, or worrying or feeling like someone/something is missing. Because you're going around feeling thankful!!
Mac was right about this, too:
Your desire is what causes the frustration. If you stop desiring the non single life, it won't bother you to be single.
Alone at night?
I'm thankful I have books... thankful for my little home and the peace around me.. thankful for music... movies... a nice meal... smooth vibes all around me...
and at bedtime, I say a "thank you" for a nice place to sleep.. airconditioning on hot nights... my dog behind my bed... indoor plumbing for the middle of the night (LOL)... the stars outside my window.. the rain on the roof... even HAVING a roof... and the list goes on.
How can discomfort and/or frustration and/or 'lonliness' find room to roost when you're feeling thankful in a continuing manner, right?
((hugs)) | |
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