| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:35:53 PM | | Just wondered if there was anyone out there who is in this same situation, and how you handle it: I'm 33, straight, never married or had kids; my mother's extended family consists of 2 aunts, 2 uncles, about 15 cousins, with all of them either married or married with kids. Each time there's a gathering with them, I feel more and more awkward about being there when I'm the only one still not married, even though I don't want to rush into marrying the next woman I get into a new relationship with (not with anyone at the moment; not for the past 6 years). There's no personal animosity towards anyone, because I love them all as if they were immediate family. I just feel awkward, slightly embarassed, and a bit depressed when I'm around these gatherings. Anyone else go through this situation, and what do you do for it? Thanks!!! | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:40:21 PM | Booking holidays for these weekends are great, I find it Hard to be Single Uncle AL, if they seat you at the adult table it throws of the balance, and well 41 is WAY to old for the kiddies table.
If you book early enough you can get a great long weekend package in Vegas for less than $1K and it is way cheaper than trying to answe r that dreaded question
Big AL | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:56:20 PM | I know just how you're feeling.
I usually feel awkward being the long-time single guy at family gatherings too.
what do you do for it? Sometimes I'll avoid certain family gatherings.
But avoiding those situations can sometimes give people the impression that you're being an anti-social jerk. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:50:12 PM | I get asked when I'm going to get married at family gatherings all the time. It's only once a year though. It's kind of annoying.
I think the next time I get asked I am gonna tell the person "I am gonna get married when you are dead."
I don't expect they will ask again after that.
Rock On!
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/4/2008 10:57:55 PM | | My younger brother is far more successful, has a wife and 3 kids. All my friends are married and have kids now. Yep, it aint a good feeling being the last bachelor if you have aspirations of being married and having children yourself. Especially when friends and family ask you all the time "So, when are you going to meet someone and settle down?" | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:00:12 AM | There's always something to do at large family gatherings. Keep busy! I take lots of pictures, so much so that people now rely on me to continue doing it. I set up and clean up....just basically make myself useful. I use the opportunity to reconnect with people I haven't seen in a long time instead of thinking selfish thoughts. I learn about family history from elders. I laugh with the kids. It's not something I have to think about.
Family should be a source of joy, not depression & embarrassment. If that's the case, I'd say avoid the family gatherings and seek counseling. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:14:20 AM | Well I am in the same boat... I hate family gatherings, weddings, you name it. When I was younger it was so when are you getting married... now they ask if I am dating anyone... I think they have given up on the idea that I will ever marry. I am not sure which is worse. All I know is that I am owed a lot of wedding and shower gifts.
I am going on a trip this Christmas... I have decided I am exhausted of the whole idea of attending any Christmas function. I am thinking a skiing vacation...
~Charmed~ | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:35:21 PM | Hey OP....I feel for ya man. Considering you've been on here for 2 years, I'd go somewhere else. I don't know you're whole date or friendship parts but I know there are plenty of playing women on here instead of mature women so no reason to try if no luck finding them.
Best | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:45:34 PM | VA, I appreciate the advice in the beginning, but I wouldn't completely emphasize the feelings from being at these gatherings as completely embarassing or depressing. My extended family are a great source of joy. It's just the situation of being the only one not yet married that bothers me. I don't think counseling is necessary; just need to work through this myself, and actually have some success on here or out in the non-cyber world.
Funny enough, for all the times I feel like this, part of me also says "since when is there a deadline for getting married? Take your time."So, as I said, this is something I need to work out on my own; just came on here for ideas and suggestions on tackling this. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:10:52 AM | Len
There is not deadline for relationships. What is important is your quality of life. Having fun with the process of dating and day to day living. You can be depressed and down about the fact that you are single ( not you) or you can be involved. Laugh and have fun...
Don't listen to people and their ticking clock. You have only one life to live have fun with it.
~Charmed~ | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:23:53 AM | I don't know that I would look at it as being the pariah of the family, but rather idle chit-chat that family asks these questions because they really don't know what else to talk about and that's a good icebreaker?
It's like they feel as though they can ask you questions that your acqaintences may not feel comfortable enough to ask, ya know? Either that or they're miserable in their partnered life and you know, misery loves company. =)
Sam I am's response would certainly go a long way towards solving the problem.  | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:16:58 PM | Well, I'd love to find the one, but I'm not going commit unless I'm 100%. My dad was 14 years older than my Mom and they are still together today.i'm not going to let age and what evryone else is doing dictate my actions. My father has told me numerous times (he was married prior to my Mom) "don't do it unless you're sure". He told me he was "sure" about my mother. I still think I just haven't met the right one yet and that's the story I stand by.
PS: And my male married cousins love to hear about "sacking and pillaging". Their sacks have been pillaged and they need to live vicariously. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:26:10 PM | See, that's the funny thing; no one's even asking me any questions or even giving me weird glances. It's pretty well established among all of them that I'm not gay (to borrow from 'Seinfeld' "...not that there's anything wrong with that..."). I've got the three previous girlfriends and the obligatory "stash" to prove it (the guys will know what that term means.) 
All in all, it's more of just my goofy neurosis about it more than anything; I've talked to my mother about it, and she did remind me that my oldest cousin on her side of the family didn't get married until he was 38, and that was after about eight of his younger cousins had already married in their mid to late twenties. So I could take that as something to relate to. And, funny enough, I might see him next weekend; I suspect my Mom's gonna ask him to have a talk with me about it.
I guess, more than anything else, I'm in a family situation where my choice of my single life status is swimming upstream in a river of married life. It really is tough, but you all are right; I need to do what makes sense to me; not what makes sense to whoever else. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:10:45 PM | | first off, nowdays marriage is a waste. the divorce rate in the US is around 60% presently. heck you stand a better chance of odds hitting a jackpot at a casino than finding somebody really worthy of marrying. there's a lot to be said for being single. and with all the left-wing feministas running around out there, getting married in this day and age is the worst mistake a guy can make. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:00:09 AM | This sorta stuff can be "fun"
When I was 21-22, I kept on getting asked "when are you getting married". To which I replied " I don't have a GF, who the hell am I supposed to marry?".
I would then get asked if I was gay by a couple aunts. They could not comprehend that at 22 I did not want to get married. I am the youngest in my "batch" of cousins. They all married by 22. I was stuck at the kids table, literally and figuratively.
I then ended up getting married when I was 23. All of a sudden I am treated like an adult by my extended family. Got divorced when I was 27 (final when I was 28) and they tried to banish me to the kids table. While letting my 17 year old cousin sit there because she has a kid.
Yes, the adult vs kids table is a big deal.
Now the same aunts are asking me if I am getting remarried anytime soon and having kids. The two who ask the most have been married so many times, I don't even bother learning my "uncles" names.
Some relatives are just weird about stuff like this. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:53:24 AM | I think you are worrying too much OP.
Be grateful that you have all that family around you.
I love family gatherings and always have done..for one reason or another they always come with annoyances..but that's family for you...and you can usually find a way to laugh things off or ignore any remarks made.
I have no family to have a family gathering with any longer..so count yourself lucky that you do and just enjoy the time spent with these people for what it is. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:57:59 PM |
Just say that you're Gay. Generally that'll shut them up really quick.
This could backfire if they try setting you up. (I'm sure this has happened on at least one sitcom. In fact, wasn't it about half of the episodes of Three's Company?)
I think the next time I get asked I am gonna tell the person "I am gonna get married when you are dead."
One comedienne (Kathy Griffin I think) talks about how her aunts used to nudge her at weddings saying "You're next!" They stopped after she started doing it to them at funerals.
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:52:38 AM | | Yup, I feel like this more and more. What do I do about it? Smile, dodge questions, retire from the gathering at my earliest convenience, and spend a lot of time playing music or writing. *shrugs* There's no answer to it as far as I can tell. They'd like for me to be married and honestly, so would I. But there's no way to remedy that at the gathering. Heck, it's not like they have any leads for me to follow up, you know? | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:46:49 AM | | I know how you feel. I am the same age as you, straight, never married or had kids. I have more cousins than you and believe me, I know how you feel and going through. I kept getting hounded with the questions of when I am gonna get married or get a girl. And sometimes they try to find one for me and see if I am interested. Just tell them, you want to take time and find the right person, not rushing it and would like to take things slow on go on your pace. If they somehow make it harder or embarrassed or depressed you, tell them this. " Do you get a commission or something if I get married right away?" Hopefully that will keep them quiet. I do wish the best for you and good luck on finding your right lady. | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:33:44 PM | I can relate to so many of these posts.
I don't look forward to family gatherings as much as I used to. I don't go to church as often as I used to. Just tired of going to those things alone. The friends I used to hang out with are all married with kids and have family priorities. Have any of you been rejected because you've never been married? I have. WTF?
Charmed, want to join me on a ski trip? Speaking of which, I joined a ski club a few years ago and been on a couple of western ski trips with them. It's great to finally meet some people who enjoy that since my friends gave it up.
Another thing. When asked "are you ever going to get married?". Has anyone noticed that the only ones who ever ask that question are already married? I take it very personally....it's as if they're saying 'I got married. What's wrong with you?' I have a perfect response for the next person who asks me that. I'm going to ask him/her 'Well, are you ever going to get divorced'? | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:01:32 PM | LOL sure skiing... you will have to give out some lessons...
Do you think all that family knows they are pushing us away with their intrusive questions?
Anyone remember... " Look how much you have grown!!!"
~Charmed~ | |
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| Feeling like a black sheep in my extended family
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:22:46 PM | I don't feel like a black sheep with my family at all. My family is odd in that it encourages independence and taking your time. They're happy when you find someone, but they never pressure you into it. We all believe anyone you bring into the family is a part of it for life, so it's taken very seriously. They'd rather I bring no one home than someone I wouldn't keep for life.
The people I feel like a black sheep with are my friends. I've hit the age where everyone is either married or attached, so I'm alone with my hobbies and interests or being introduced to single men my friends think I should date. *shudder* I love my friends, but they have very strange ideas about what men will work for me.
So whenever there's a friend function, I'm the odd one out. Everyone couples up, and I either cuddle up to the snack bar or flit about the party being "entertaining". At the end of the night, everyone leaves to cozy up to their SO while I go home to put on a face mask and play video games. It's depressing. *lol*
If I was assured of having single friends forever, I probably wouldn't date until my 40's. Since that's unlikely, I have to periodically get up the gumption to go on dates.
I despise dating. It's tedious, annoying and inefficient. Still, it's necessary to go through the bloody process if you want a mate. The end result would be nice, but the process sucks. I guess you get out of the process what you put into it. :( | |
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