| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:04:45 AM | First of all hi to anyone taking the time to read this, here's my question.
I while back I made the mistake of putting the ex's name on my mortgage and because she did'nt like being a housewife I became a stay at home dad while she went to work.
The thing is that when we split my home had to be sold so I've had to move back to my parents and put my name on the housing list. Also the little one is hard work for my parents to look after I can't get a job until september when she goes to school fulltime (can't wait!), so all that plus the fact that my savings were eaten up because of bills I was left with means that I don't have anything to my name at the moment and have to start from scratch again.
So I'm in this situation through no fault of my own it's going to take a lot of work but it won't be permanent, I don't do self pity, I know I'm a good, honest person, I treat people with the respect they deserve, I'm not a sponger and I also know how to make the right girl very happy, I'm not lazy (before I became a housedad I used to work 10hrs a night 6 days a week for nearly 10 years) but my question is would most women run a mile from someone in my position? I have mentioned this to a couple of people on this site and have not heard from them again so I'm starting to think that I should'nt even be here until I have a bit more security. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:11:49 AM | Im not most women but no i would not run from your situation. As a matter of fact I am in a similar situation. i had my life on track til I married a looser who I am happy to say is no longer my problem as of yesterday---YAY!!! lol any hoo------I think that if the woman can not see that you are a hard working man at heart and all the other good attributes you named you dont need her and definetly dont need her around your lil one!!!! happy fishing and good luck with your sit.
hugs and kisses | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:12:57 AM | Wouldnt bother me personally...Ive been there and done it so I know what the process is all about.
You're going back to work when its time...and good on you quite frankly for puttin your child's needs as primary concern at this point in her life.
As far as you beginning again and getting "stuff"...well...material possessions arent that difficult to come by. You work, you earn money, you buy stuff. Whats the big deal?
Your actions will speak louder than your words anyway.
Maybe...for future reference though...dont go too far into personal details right now with people who are effectively strangers. Im not saying lie...but its really none of their business straight up as a conversation topic.
September is only 3 months away. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:20:32 AM | I'm starting to think that I should'nt even be here until I have a bit more security.
Umm yeah. Like maybe getting back up on your feet.
What I don't understand is that you can't get a job until September but you can find time to date. Something just isn't clicking there but maybe that's just me. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:40:54 AM | I have "started over" twice in my life so far and both times have been great (knock on wood) BUT I did not invest my free time dating. I was working, raising kids, building my business and house hunting. Did I mention the self growth, healing and improvement part??
I did not have TV or do I now...I read and surf the net....not for guys but for learning and research.
So NO I wouldnt date you I find your time management skills need improving and it took me exactly 5 months to get my own place and employment after the split.... | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:48:15 AM | What a sad story and from me, I say to you OP, you seem to be one in a million. Here is why.
Raising a child takes more motivation and stamina than any other job on earth.
I would date you, because I love kids and a man who is so devoted to his children/child is a good man in my opinion. Quite often, men who's marriages split in such a way, have little or no time for them.
What I don't understand is that you can't get a job until September but you can find time to date. Something just isn't clicking there but maybe that's just me. I think you will find that it is just you. He is there during the day, when she needs him.
I would assume that the woman you seek is interested in families as well? Why can't the new love spend time with the child as well? She could very well be their next mummy.
Children can be baby sat for one night a week, where as working 10 hour days, the child is left with the baby sitter for more than 50 hours a week.
You're ok in my book OP. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:06:58 AM | Its tough when you are starting anew. I know because that is what I'm doing.
Some women look for those men who are financially secure and stable. Those women are not for you right now. If all you are looking for is companionship and casual dating (which of course does not mean sex... but doesn't mean no sex) then I don't see why women would be put off by your situation. Those that want financial stability can move along and not waste your time.
I think its great that you have your child with you, I'm just sorry you are living with your parents. That's always a PITA.
Good luck on your search and know that while you are not alone (being a single dad) you are admired because you are a minority in the world today.
In the mean time, take care of you and your child and don't worry so much right now about your viability as a partner. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:20:24 AM |
BUT I did not invest my free time dating. I was working, raising kids, building my business and house hunting. Did I mention the self growth, healing and improvement part??
This poster is correct OP. Your time is best spent doing all of the above. Dating should be very low on the priority scale. Save it for when you are better. Best to you.
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:37:25 AM | | Thanks to everyone who's replied to this post, sometimes it takes other peoples opinions to make you see clearly. At the moment I am spending a lot of my time on developing myself through reading mountains of books and also I've begun writing again so I know that out of any bad situation there's always some good to be found. I'm not hinging my entire future on finding a partner as soon as possible but sometimes it's hard not to think it and then it's all too easy for those thoughts to snowball...maybe I need to read more books. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:04:04 AM | | Yes, probably MOST women would. You are a special man and you are looking for that special woman. It takes time and you will talk to a lot of women who are not the right one. And NOT every girl can see beyond what's on the "outside" - it's okay, let them go on by. Work on yourself, so you will be ready for the right lady. You are in a HUGE transition - maybe look for someone who is in transition too. Best Wishes. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:24:27 AM | Wow! These are all really nice replies!
The truth? No, I wouldn't date you and here's why.
1) You are divorced and I have never been married. Ideally, if I ever made that commitment I'd want it to be with someone who has also never made that commitment.
2) You have a kid. I don't. Ideally, if I ever made the decision to have kids, I'd want it to be with someone who doesn't have kids.
3) I have my stuff together. I have a job, a car, a place. You are in a transitional place.
Notice how most of the women who answered that they'd date you have children and/or have been in similar situations at one point in time? The situation you are in does not mean that you can't get out of it. I, personally, just don't want to wait to find out if you actually will get out of it.
I think you are fine to date! You just need to find the right kind of woman for you. Someone who is similar and/or can relate to your situation. And Kyn has it right. You may not wish to reveal all right away.
Best of luck to you!
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:33:13 AM |
I'm not hinging my entire future on finding a partner as soon as possible but sometimes it's hard not to think it and then it's all too easy for those thoughts to snowball...
 Good for you. You cannot be good for others until you are good for yourself. I commend you about being insightful. Many men blame everyone else. Again, best wishes. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:07:00 AM | I would not consider it a problem at all. I think that if you are trying to improve yourself and situation there is no issue. Raising a child is hard so i see the need for waiting until full time school starts. Situations happen and when they arise out of nowhere it can be hard to adjust. The most important thing is working at it.... showing motivation, and willingness.
The only question i have is if your split was recent? If so then i would stay away from dating for a little bit personally. If you date or not though... stay on the site and use the forums... can be great for meeting people and chatting and when you are ready to date, you can jump in a little easier. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:14:55 AM | Well i am just me but if you were to explain your situation to me I would understand. Lots of dates can be cheap to free and can take advantage of parks, free days. I can understand grand parents bit older to help car for a younger child, i was lucky when i had my son 12 years ago my dad newly retired and took care of him so i could work, but now not into the babysitting thing my brother has 2 year old and 7 month old they scrambled for care. But I Would not have a problem with dating someone in you situation as long as your hand was not out all the time (asking) and when you get onto you feet again and it will happen all will be well. Must be hard on a man not working and moving back in with parents.
 just my 2 cents and your a cutie | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:36:48 PM | Personally, if I were you I would not be focusing on dating. My attention would be on your child, your finances, getting a job and basically getting your life in order.
All the best!
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:11:15 PM | I wouldn't run because of the situation... but I would run because of this...
So I'm in this situation through no fault of my own
I have an issue for people who refuse to accept responsibility for their circumstances. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:23:21 PM | Well, first off, I was a little set back by you mentioning..."I'm not lazy (before I became a housedad I used to work 10hrs a night 6 days a week for nearly 10 years)" Excuse me... Are you insinuating that being a full time parent is LAZY???? NONE of us mothers out here would call you lazy because you were a full time daddy.
A full time parent is a 24/7 job. You get no break. As you certainly know by now.
You state that you cant go to work till Sept? Is that because your child is home for the summer, or is that when your able to go back to a spacific company? I would say IF you can go back to work now... and not wait till Sept, youd be that much further ahead. Even if you couldnt work the full 10 hr days. You may be able to find a relative that would help you out with child care, or maybe a neighbor, maybe your parents could have the child part of the day, or maybe every other day, until you get a secure financial footing. Then be able to pay for the services. Your going to have to find someone to sit with the child even when they go back to school if your working 10 hrs. I understand your position, but I think that it could be a good thing to check in to your options with a nanny or sitter. Your bills/collectors wont wait till Sept. Now to answer your question lol..
If you find someone that you are getting serious with, then they should be able to understand the situation, and not run. Isnt being with your partner thru ups and downs, part of the whole package? If they run, they are not right for you. I think it shows that in the future, they may bolt for some other reason. Your looking for someone that will be there for you and your family & vice versa. Thats what its all about. Would you get serious with a woman in your situation? Hope I make sense here. Good luck darlin!!! | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:28:29 PM | | Something that sparks my interest. The child has a mommy right? Thats working? Does mommy pay child support or child care, or at least split the cost? Are there any days that the mommy could take part in the childs care? | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:35:47 AM | Op, you are in the same situation as many people are, including myself. Having to rebuild your life.
Just take your time, use it as a learning experience, and continue to put your daughter first.
Continue to learn more about you, and how you may do things differently in the future if you do find that special woman.
So to answer your question, no I would not run. I was a stay at home mom for 10yrs, and getting back into the workforce can be hard if you have been out of it for awhile. I would definitely recommend working on fine tuning your skills, or take up new skills for when you do go back to work. It will help immensely.
Good luck. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:38:06 AM | | u can be here just not for dating yet...or make it clear in ur profile whats going on so they know before messaging u...i would run personally but then again i'm not into kids | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:02:32 AM | all that plus the fact that my savings were eaten up because of bills I was left with means that I don't have anything to my name at the moment and have to start from scratch again.
Check into a support group that can validate what you've been through and all you're
going through now. You're not unique. None of us are. You'll find more than naught
have fought their way back from desolation... but here's the kicker.....
I'm in this situation through no fault of my own
Yes you are.
You've manned up on everything else except why you're in the situation you're in!
No one held a gun to your head and told you to make the choices you did. You did that all
on your own.... so now you have to take responsibility for them.
This is where the support groups come in handy. You get help accepting your part in it all,
you meet 'same same' people and you might learn things about yourself that you won't find
in a book.
It's also a great way to network and meet folks!! You don't have many opportunities, I'm
sure, so use all at your disposal. Think of it this way.... someone may need help one night
and you step up to bat.... and if you ever need a night off to meet a woman for coffee, that
same person might help you out.
Reading books is good dewd.... but get out there any chance you can and be a part of the
human race. You'll find you're not alone in all you're going through!
God bless ya....  | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:27:39 AM | My question to you would be...........if you are waiting till Sept to find a job till your child is in school ,what are you going to do when school is out next year? At some point you are going to have to consider working and childcare . Unless you are looking for a woman to take up the slack for taking care of the child when your not there.
Life is hard sometimes. Single mothers have been having to work and find child care for their kids for a long time. Sometimes in marraiges both parents are working and child care is a must.
Most people starting from scratch know the first priority is finding a job.
So I dont know that women in your age group should be running a mile.........but they should wonder why your waiting to find a job.................................
Good Luck | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:39:05 AM | Brutally honest? Yes, your situation is a deal breaker. If you aren't on your feet yet, and you're living with your parents, then imho you aren't ready to date yet. Sorry if that is disturbing, but *there it is.*
You need to get you sorted out before you can become a "we." It simply isn't fair to the other person to expect her to wait around whilest you get your act together. Is it? About the job, there is no time like the present. Laying around on your butt while someone else pays the bills is not being an adult imho. Get childcare and get a job.
I had to start from scratch again myself. Been there, done that. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:33:43 AM | | Just to put a few things right, One thing I'm not doing at the moment is sitting on my butt, I take judo and karate lessons twice a week, I've never been married and when I say that things were not my fault I'm not ducking any responsibility on my part, everybody makes mistakes in a relationship and I'm no angel but the situation was that the ex was on medication for depression and emotional issues and had a long history of dropping people and moving on to the next person, believe me there's a lot more besides but I'm not here to talk about that part of things, my mistake was that I thought I could help her and change things but I was wrong. Also as I said before I'm not hinging everything on a new relationship to make things better, I define myself by who I am and not who I'm with and I'm definately not looking for someone to look after my child, that would be inexcusable. there are council run nurseries near me bbut they're not the best so I'd rather put her in a decent place later on that costs a bit more and then work my holidays round hers. | |
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| Would most women run a mile from my situation?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:39:43 AM | Raising a child takes more motivation and stamina than any other job on earth. I keep seeing and hearing this and it's not what I've seen. Actually, raising children is quite easy. Maybe everyone means busy, 'cause ya... it's real busy.
OP, If I was a chick, I wouldn't even look at you. You have thing to do that you're putting off.
I think a part time job would do you some good. It'll let you ease back into the working world, and give you a bit of extra cash. It's also a good jumping off point to start getting ORGANIZED in the extreme (If you want a life, your gonna have to). It sounds to me that you might be rushing the dating thing. I know... you want to get back to normal NOW. It doesn't happen that way. Focus on getting your sh!t and head together, and unless you've been split for more than 2 or 3 years, I don't see how that's possible. I also don't see the problem with having your JK or SK child go to a sitter after school until you get off work. A sitter will happen eventually anyway. Is this is an excuse to not work because of a pending support order??? You have to face the fact that you're going to be swamped with homework, dinner, cleaning, parent/teacher, soccer, baseball with your child for a long time. I didn't even mention that you have to make time to have fun with your little girl. No play is a terrible life for a kid.
You say you don't do self pity, but how about self deception? Unless your ex isn't working, I see no reason why the courts didn't give you the home and make her keep paying the mortgage. I don't know what happened, wasn't there in court, and god knows some judges leave men destitute the same way women used to (My spidey senses are really hitting me on this one.) | |
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