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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:55:02 PM | You hear stories of Men who have no male role model around growing up, not knowing how to treat woman, not knowing how to stay in a relationship. Becoming bad fathers or absent fathers themselves etc. If the only other possibility is a biological father who has little respect for woman and many issues, what do u do??
Some will say a father dosnt need to be a biological father to be a dad, but in mine and many other peoples experience this can lead to heart ache too, as usually when the father leaves the mum, they leave the childs life too.
Any suggestions, as u can probarley guess, my son, has a terrible biological father who wants little to do with his son, ive been cutting myself up over it, thinkin of my son havin no dad. But is it really for the best?? IM confused.
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:18:36 PM | | Hi, Im not a doctor, so its only my opinion, but I say that first, you have to be honest and let your child know that he does have a real father, and that you dont especially like him for whatever reasons. kids are smart, and if the dad really is lousy, the child will know it. but I think it is better to have no real role model than have an ***hole role model... the kids will watch TV and see what is a reall good role model, rather than be subjected to what is a bad role model, therefor creating a "chip on the shoulder", that might be passed on to the next generation.... I think you need to do what is best for your child, and if that means keeping him away from Dad, then you have custody for a reason, cause you have the childs best interest at heart, so be confident. thats my 2 cents. good luck | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:42:25 PM | | My two youngests dads want nothing to do with them. It eats me up too. It also makes me feel like a failure as a mom. My two youngest are 2 and 3, my 2 year old doesnt really understand but my 3 year old does and it is eating him up and I dont know how to make him feel more secure. Its very difficult as his behaviour is bad as a result to not having his dad around. Its very hard trying to be mom and dad at the same time | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:35:59 PM | OP, I am of the mindset that NO dad is better than a TERRIBLE dad; one who is distant, may or may not show up to pick up your child when they're supposed to, may not give them the attention they need or is not enough of an adult to put someone else's needs in front of his own. Or one who may lie to a child or make promises he never intends to keep.
You're the one to teach your son about respect, for both men and women. For all people, animals, and children. Everything. He can learn all that from you. Same with honesty, integrity, fairness, decency and stength of character. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:35:45 PM | Hey OP,
I believe that it is better to have no dad as a role model than one who would cause more damage than good to their child. However, if you have uncles or close friends or grandpas they can also be a child's role model.
None the less kids are quite smart. My son's dad is in his life but mostly via webcam, and the phone; regardless my son knows who he is, visits him every now and again and loves his dad completely. I don't think badly of my ex, I do think that he is not a good role model, but as long as I do my role as parenting the little time he spends with his dad won't erase the rights and wrongs I am constantly helping my son to gain knowledge of.
With this said, my son who is 5 has on numerous occasions come up to me and said "Mommy, do you tell me to do things or not to do them to teach me how to be a man and a dad when I'm older" So male role model or not they know.
Good luck OP, I wish you the best | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:31:22 PM | Well, the simple and unsatisfying answer is that it depends on how bad. If he's abusive, he's best gone.
If he really doesn't want to have anything to do with his son, then isn't it a moot point? You can't make him be there. (What about the other two children? Your profile says you have 3.)
In general I think it's not for the best if dads leave. Even if he's no good at it. There are lots of parents ill-equipped to be parents who are doing their best. It's definitely a learning experience.
Anyway, just my semi-random thoughts on the matter. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:55:39 PM | A bad role model is a bad role model, whether male or female.
You can't make someone be there if they do not want to be there.
It is out of your control, isn't it.
My suggestion: go easy on the TV and computers for the boys, lots of bad role models in there as well. I speak from experience and hindsight,  major mistake, now I got one computer junkie at home, however he also does my computer upkeep  ' .
As long as you are there for them (or another reliable caretaker) and you take some time to listen and get a little bit into their world, and they consequently feel loved and cared for, these kids are lucky. JMO
If you have opportunities for other positive male role models, take them of course, but emotional stability is the most important.
And boundaries. When I read your
ive been cutting myself up over it, it worries me, because when you feel guilty as a parent, it is easy to let discipline slip. Like the working parent with not enough time who showers their offspring with material stuff to make up for not being there. Big mistake, i think.
Good luck. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:09:09 PM | Please don't cut yourself up over it, it won't help either you or your kids long term!
It's very hard to accept but eventually you'll understand that you can ONLY be responsible for your OWN actions as an adult, free will means the other parent will always have the choice whether or not to step up to the plate.
I personally went on a torturous emotional journey to reach that conclusion, and would like to spare you some of the mental anguish I went through to get to that point.
Once I did I took a look around me and realised my brother-in law, foster brothers, friends, neighbours(including married and single Dads) were GREAT role models if I allowed them into our life enough to demonstrate that fact. Co-workers are another source. I worked really hard for a year or so on strengthening my support network, and really feel it's paid dividends that will help my boy long term.
It didn't happen overnight, but my son does have older men whose advice he can ask when needed. I'll admit I worked very hard to build a support network to avoid the isolation that afflicts so many lone parents of both sexes. Be bold and creative and dare to think outside the box a bit. Everywhere from nursery to Sure start, to Church to your local corner shop provides opportunities if you let it.
Don't dismiss the older generation when building your network. My own father has passed on but lots of men in their twilight years have so much to offer the younger generation if given the chance. Obviously be very very careful from a child protection point of view, but if you have an elderly widower living near you he'll adore the company of a little un, and be able to teach your child so much. We live in an age where the senior citizens in our communities are often ignored, belittled etc, and over looked yet from a single Mum's standpoint, their moral values etc are often topnotch when looking for a role model. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 6:17:09 AM | Thankyou for your advice
My other 2 children have a different Dad, who isnt brilliant has his faults but loves them alot and they know this. It will be difficult when the youngest comes to an understanding age and sees the older 2 leave to see their dad, yet he will not. This i feel will be the hard part. Its interesting to see that everyone feels no dad is better than a bad dad, it makes what i have to face easier as it now feels for the best. Ill just have to make good of a bad situation. x x x
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:19:45 AM | I spent a lot of time being upset about the hand I inadvertently dealt my children and you know what, it just made me be a more stressed out mom so stop the beating up now. You also should not cut off contact with the biological dad even if he is a piss poor influence because at the end of the day, that is your son's choice. There are many times when I have peeled the kids off the ceiling and just wish he would disappear but that would leave a bigger hole than the one that already exists. And DO NOT badmouth dad but don't make excuses for him either. Be as honest as you can be in answering questions and explaining why dad didn't show up to or for whatever but let your son draw his own conclusions. Don't blow smoke and don't lie but allow him to find his way with what he believes and his feelings.
And honey, those are not your only choices. If you have no relatives, find husbands of friends, neighborhood dads, your male friends. Good male role models do not necessarily have to stay in a kid's life forever either. People come and go and while it is good to have a consistent person such as an uncle, grandfather, or family friend that is never going anywhere, any time that a boy spends time around good men teaches them things about who they wish to be.
My kids' biological dad is crap. He tries but there is not enough space on this site to explain the ways in which he falls down on the job. My sons, and my daughter, see how their uncles behave, there are about four or five men in my neighborhood who are my friends and/or have children that my kids play with. One of the guys that recently joined the site has taken my boys with he and his son on I cannot even begin to count how many outings. It is great for him to have kids to play with his son and he truly enjoys kids. My best friend's husband has pretty much adopted mine and they now call her father grandpa as theirs on both sides have passed.
Even younger guys enjoy spending time around the kids and are more than willing to be the honorary uncle. Start looking around you instead of trying to find what you imagine would be a good father figure. Forget the father figure part and just look for good men whom your son can spend time around. Another friend of mine had his ex's kids spend the weekend a few months back. The boy twin broke a window on purpose. The benefit to my youngest son of sitting there and watching the whole thing play out, the calm and loving way this man handled teaching the lesson about respecting others' property without yelling, etc. was a priceless gift.
My 13-year-old recently talked to me about the men in his life, pointing out how they differ from his father and how he wished his dad was more like them. He now has choices that he would not if his only exposure to male influence was his biological father. No matter what tools we give them, good or bad, eventually they grow up, are adults and need to make their own decisions and live with the consequences; one of the most difficult parts of being a parent is recognizing that while you will always be one, the "job" part of it is done at a certain point and the rest is up to them. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:04:42 AM | Strong male role models are everywhere, extended family, teachers, athletic coaches, spiritual leaders. If your son's Dad is not doing his job as a father, has substance abuse problems or is violent then surround yourself with good men.
My son's Dad is 1000 miles away from us. But between my Father, my Brother, my son's baseball coaches, teachers and my BF he is surrounded by men he can admire that will show him excellent examples of how a man is supposed to be.
Don't play games, don't critisise the Dad just explain to your son if he asks that his father tries hard but has problems. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:08:54 AM | RE Mr kidding myself.......................... Im rather insulted by your remarks, but i guess that should make u happy as that was your intention. Im sorry to hear that you gain your strength through searching through forums for woman who have genuine real problems, just to insult them with un connected chauvinistic rubbish. But forums do need men like you, as their are so many decent single fathers and single men on here who bring knowledgeable advice and kind words, temporarily i forget that their are waste of space men out there. But thankfully you arrived to unlighten me.
Thanks again Mr kidding myself. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:24:02 AM | Your are quite welcome and I do try. It is just a continuous, never ending posting from yet another woman who doesn't consider that the men they choose to sleep with are not meant to be fathers.
And then they choose to come here for answers to questions they should have considered long before you decided to have sexual relations.
I imagine though you are going to use the law to file for support from this man and create even more resentment in the long run.
Remember this I do not condone his part in this situation and it appalling how many men fall into that catagory of protecting themselves against getting their partners pregnant.
But the choice to keep this child was yours and yours alone. The current laws give all the power to women and he has to live with whatever you decided.
Until those rules change a little fully intend to keep raising my voice to the injustices. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:52:15 AM | Mr Kidding himself
What injustice??? What a woman wanting to not go through an abortion????? A woman not being able to kill her child, that was as much the mans mistake as hers??? Is this the injustice you speak of mr kidding himself???? Having an abortion is an extremely difficult heart renching decision, and i believe men are very lucky not to have to make such a difficult decision, not injustifide. People are only human, we all make mistakes and we all have to live with them, men and woman alike. Not all of us are as lucky as you as to never have made a mistake in our life and thought well in advance to the possibility of future failings, i raise my hat to you sir!
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/6/2008 3:44:52 PM | | i am in the same boat my youngest is 3 and his dad was in and out of his life. he pretends to care about his son but we can see he dont, this really confuseed my son so now i make him stay away from us. my sons behavour went really bad wen "farther" was around but now we have not seen him for 9 months he has settled down. i think all you can do is reasure your child that they are very loved by you and answer any questions honestly. dont beat your self up about it i sure you doing a great job and as my son says "i dont need a daddy i got my mummy" he makes me feel proud wen he says that. xx | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:02:20 AM | Really it seems a lot of fuse about nothing. I raised my four children without their father. Three girls, and one boy. I talked to my son just like I did his sisters(Yes about sex too. People make far too much fuse about that one. Just don't make a big deal about it. With all of them I talked about the facts, plus tried to teach them the idea of not sleeping with everyone that they date. To at least have some real feeling for them. Interesting my son was the one that listened the most). You don't have to be a man to teach a son how to treat people. You simply teach your children to treat everyoe the same way they would want to be treated themselves.
To the one poster, no I did not get one cent of child support, and never tried to get it. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:04:52 AM | I have been in the very same boat missmichmich.
My boys father was very abusive and violent, left him when boys were 6 & 3. Was the best thing for all of us.
Now i have two responsible, loving, caring, independent young men. (they are 23 & 19 now).
Kids are more resilient than what we give them credit for....as long as they have atleast one decent, stable, loving, caring parent.....they will do just fine.
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:04:36 AM | | A boy needs a man in his life no more than a girl needs a woman. If you make the effort your kids will be just fine without. My daughters were raised by me and are just as girly girl as you could ask for. Put forth the effort, find the right answers, and most of all be there, whether it's football practice, or cheerleading, always, always be there. Seeing you there, knowing how proud they are making you will go further than you can ever imagine. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:48:45 AM | i strongly believe that a bad roll model of a father will have long term negative effects on sons and daughters alike ,speaking from personal experience ,being a single parent is not an easy task,been there done that 20yrs ago after leaving my first and doing it again after the death of my second,but you know what my kids from my first come to me today after seeing there biological father as adults and they tell me they"re so happy i made the choices i did !i knew at the time i could be making a bad mistake,but coming from a similar childhood myself i envisioned a horrible life for them and didnt want history to repeat itself ...so i chose to suck it up and make the best of it i could
after much anger and tears we settled into a life of normalsy.after 5yrs i met a wonderful man whom changed my world and my kids.....but i cant get too deep into that.....but anyway today proudly and sadly my kids only miss their step father for they tell me he was the only dad ,that in their eyes ,is worth calling their "father"
he is dearly missed.....so good luck in the choices you make in your life and i
hope everything works out for you and your boy. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:04:52 PM | Hi Missmichmich,
After reading all the responses to your post, I find it interesting as to the varied ideas and attitudes.
If the father is really that bad that your child will be at risk, then you must protect the child. But to agree with only one other person who answered you, you should never cut the child's access to this father off, because you have no idea what the future holds and whether this man will come around in the end or not.
For the others who have stated that it is better to have no father than a bad father, do you all believe the same about mothers?
So, if I was to say that my kids mother is a loser and a bad mother, would my kids be better off without her and only me as the parent and role model?
Or are you all going to come up with some silly answer and say that mothers are never as bad as fathers, because of some belief that your maternal bond is far superior and is the only bond that exists between children and parents, and that the paternal bond is a figment of a man's imagination?
Missmich, if you are not the cause of your child's fathers bad attitude and behaviour; that he is just a lousy father, then you do the best you can, but remember it is your child's choice to not have father in their life, not yours.
Remember this, if you deny this child their father, no matter how bad you think this man is, this child will one day blame you for it and possibly even hate you for it.
So, it is best to keep communication and access open, but always err on the side of caution to protect your young child and of course the other children.
That is your job as a parent!
Just my 2 cents worth. | |
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| Whats more important for a boy, a bad roll model biological father or no male role model at all?
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:27:18 PM | | I agree that no role model is better than a bad one. I also agree that a boy needs a father, but that the male role model can be filled by other men in your life. I see the need in my boys as they get older, but I also see the men they are growing into and I am very proud of them. As the single parent you have to be the one to model the behaviors that you want to see them grow into. Good luck. | |
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