| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:29:02 PM | The first woman I met in person online asked me within 15 minutes (just after our coffees arrived) how long I had been single. I said that it had been 3 months. She asked me then how long that past relationship had lasted, to which I stated almost 7 years. At the end of the date she told me that I was a nice guy but that she doubted I was over my ex. We became friends after that, and she finally realized that it was true -- I had been over my ex. A couple of women I have met in person seemed "not over" there exes either, although I never had to ask the question. So, it makes me wonder about if it's appropriate at all early on.
I'm not opposed to the question being asked, and if a relationship was meant to be it will be asked eventually. However, is the first date too soon? What about the first email? | |
|
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:44:32 PM | | When getting to know someone via email, IM or phone, I would expect us to discuss this. I certainly would be sure to let him know how long it has been since my last serious relationship and how long it lasted and I would expect the same information from him. I, too, have no desire to be in a rebound relationship and prefer to meet someone who has been on their own for a while. | |
|
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:48:47 AM | While I agree that it's something that's good to bring up early...
It's also a very hard thing to judge.
As the OP pointed out... he had only been seperated for 3 months... but he was over his ex.
But unfortunately his date didn't believe that was enough time.
Everyone is different. We all handle these things at a different pace.
Some can be over their ex in a month... others might take years...
While it's something that's good to discuss... you can't judge them on the time they've been apart. Rather, you should be judging them on their words and actions.
They will prove to you if they're over their ex or not. You just have to keep an eye out for the signs.
Myself... I don't usually take too long to get over an ex. Though a lot of that depends on how the relationship ended. I've been cheated and lied to enough times that I can pretty much "shut off" anything I felt for such people. Though, I still prefer to take some time for myself, just to be sure.
If it was a long and loving relationship... well, then it might take me a few months before I'm ready for the dating scene again.
Nothing's definite. But my actions will speak for me. | |
|
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:07:17 AM | Adam Taylor wrote:
Myself... I don't usually take too long to get over an ex.
Interesting comment and it made me think about something I read in the personality types linked to on this site. Some personalities are able to get past their relationships more easily than others.
For example, the ESTJ personality type http://www.personalitypage.com/ESTJ_rel.html is described as having a "strength":
Able to move on after a relationship breaks up
Now, compare it to the ISFJ personality type http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ_rel.html which has the "weaknesses":
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship
Anyway, goes to show that "how long one has been single" is not the accurate indicator of someone being on the rebound or not.
Maybe better questions to ask would be the following:
When the phone rings and you haven't seen the CallerID yet, is there hope it's your ex phoning to say s/he wants to get back together?
How many minutes/week do you spend thinking of your ex? | |
|
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:32:37 AM |
Me thinks initial meet-ups shouldn't take the form of interrogation. Ya sure, nobody wants it to feel like a job interview (even though it kinda is).
Details come out in the wash if you hang out long enough. But some people are very discreet about their past relationships. And there's the question of how slowly things should go (dating several people at once and wanting to decide as early as possible if someone is compatible).
I'm guilty of going out with someone I liked a lot for many reasons (smart, cute, dynamic, fun-loving), and avoiding asking heavy questions because the relationship was comfortable at a superficial level. You never know if it's a person's comfort zone and trust space that is being built, or if the person is uncomfortable discussing those issues at all.
The more I think about it, the more I believe that if you have compatible personalities, direct questions will not cause conflict early on. If a conflict arises from a direct question, then it's better sooner than later. But sufficient tact should always be applied.
 LOL - I sometimes amuse myself with trying to apply logic to something that is so complex (different personality combinations, different past relationships, etc.). Anyway, it's good to get feedback from fellow fish in the school. | |
|
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:12:33 PM |
I'm not opposed to the question being asked, and if a relationship was meant to be it will be asked eventually. However, is the first date too soon? What about the first email? - DiveFree
I generally either ask it after the first few emails /or IMs, before the first date. It isn't neccessarily just about "being over the -ex", because resiliency varies from one individual to the next. It allows us to discuss that very thing, which to me is a very important aspect of a person's potential compatibility. | |
|
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:32:24 PM | This collides with a truism that people never fully recover from a divorce... especially in regards to men's recovery. The study I read a few years ago in the Sydney Morning Herald was quite sobering. This is a question that pressures people to fudge a bit or get discarded by those who don't' really know what they are asking. The better question is: "Are you at a point where you could commit to another person / are ready to build with another person?" That, of course, is not a first date question! | |
|
| |
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:33:09 AM | | Hmmm,, i thought it was pretty normal to ask that and have even offered the info myself without being asked. I mean really, i think its pretty natural to wonder and its part of the conver when getting to know someone. I never thought it was a big deal. lol It usually comes out either right away or it just works its way in eventually. | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:33:07 PM |
This collides with a truism that people never fully recover from a divorce... especially in regards to men's recovery. The study I read a few years ago in the Sydney Morning Herald was quite sobering. I'm curious to know more. Are you speaking of divorces in general, or those involving child custody cases, alimony, etc.?
No-fault divorces without kids aren't much different than breaking up with a significant other.
I can see how if there are child support and alimony payments, after a huge financial settlement, it would be harder for men in general to get over their divorce. But this is not the kind of recovery I was trying to find out about by asking how long someone is single. | |
|
| |
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:13:37 AM | | I think its just a conversation piece, no big deal. I think in todays world we're all dating all the time, and I dont think its a big deal to ask when is the last time you were on a date. In fact, it gives a lot of info. like someone already pointed out it can say if they're on the rebound or just horny, or other info.... I dont think its a personal question, thats my opinion | |
|
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:40:24 PM | OP, I've never brought this question up....the women always do.
I've noticed several others asking questions about when to ask this or that and to me......it's none of my business, they'll tell me if and when they're ready. Yeah, even if I'm interested in a woman to date, that's her perogative.
LOL....a rebound or just horny???? that's gotta be the joke of the year on here. Nobody and I mean nobody is going to tell you if they have a casual sex partner or partners (most do) and as long as it takes for most people on here to really know each other, say 3-6 months by POF standards. It isn't gonna matter anyways cause 99% don't last that long. ******Sorry to be a blunder but it's true******. If you've got worry yourself about that on here then you might as well go to a neighborhood bar or nearest meatclub and just kick it out there. | |
|
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/9/2008 3:00:21 PM | You know when you are in a rebound date, because the person who is on the rebound will tell you about the ex within the first five minutes. Rebound relationships are pretty easy to spot. The anger and bitterness are dripping usually.
I don't ask questions about past relationships, because they are exes! If the guy wants to know about how long my last relationship was and why we broke-up, I would tell him. I would not ask about the exes or how long one has been single though. The information does not tell me too much. People reveal who they are by what they say. You just got to listen.
I had a friend who was married for 20 years, but was over his wife after his last kid turned two. They were living on different coasts and he could not pick her out of a line-up. So technically he was over his ex-wife for about 15 years before the paperwork was filed. | |
|
| |
| |
| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 8:38:43 AM | Don't ever tell a woman anything. I mean you can answer some questions, but never give up too much. You have to be mysterious (i know, crazy eh).
A girl asking you how long you've been single is a test, a test to see if other women like you or if you've been home with your buddies playing xbox for months... it's a test, tell her it's your 15th date this week but it's a slow week, be funny about it... and change the subject. | |
|
Home
login 
