| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:33:12 AM | | Was just curious as to whether abusive people repeat there patterns from relationship to relationship...be it emotional/physical/sexual. Is it more an incompatibility between to certain people or do these people have a serious flaw that they carry from relationship to relationship | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:45:29 AM | Serious flaws, anger issues, victimation issues, immaturity, lack of impulse control.
abuse... either abusers or abusees...
run ! | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:59:02 AM | I discovered after being married to an abuser (mental, verbal, and emotional) for 24 years that they will generally (I hate that word because there are always exceptions) repeat the abuse simply because they don't see it as abuse.
My ex honestly thinks he is doing no wrong. Everyone else is wrong in his eyes and he is the victim. But he's also a sociopath and has no remorse for the pain and anguish he causes others. He feels he is above the law and above reproach.
I've heard of some abusers (not physical abusers) who realized what they were doing and sought help to overcome their tendencies. To overcome being an abuser like that takes a great amount of time and effort. Lifelong habits are hard to break. Some are impossible. I guess it boils down to the abuser acknowledging the problem and WANTING help to overcome it and dedicating themselves to being a better person.
JMHO | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:02:47 AM | | Some offenders do repeat, but some some take the experiences they have had and become a better person. I was physically abused by my father when I became 13 and it lasted until I was 16, and I would never lay my hands on another person and put them through what I went through. I think people that abuse others should get mental help, and I think those that sexually abuse children should have their d*cks cut off! | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:07:55 AM | | seriously.... abusers are defective... they got defective from who knows what and... guess what... they're gonna stay defective... until they figure it out... yes help can help... but.. they are going to have to let help help and they are not going to be 100% stable.. period... slightest thing.. and they're BACKkkk | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:13:23 AM | My ex had been abusive to his mother and transfered that to his first longterm girlfriend. After that, it was transfered to me. We were married a long time and he never showed that abuse to anyone but me, but after we broke up, his next girlfriend experienced it, and then when he was single again, he began to be abusive to his aunt.
I'd say that someone who could be abusive to one person will most likely be prone to that behavior with everyone who gets close to him/her.
Sharzi | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:13:24 AM | | Good q. abusive people obviously dont realise that they are abusive because they are the abusers. Also, I found that abusive people are and are likely to have controling personalities. Considering this then people who like to be in control (not in a good way) emotionally and physically drain other people (mostly their partners). So the conclusion Ive come to is yes this behaviour will continue into other relationships IF and only IF the person with the controling abusive behaviour doesnt want to be changed. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:27:08 AM | It's an ugly cycle, and there is rarely a break in it. There is always an excuse for their behavior, and an honest abuser is a rare thing. At times an abuser will realize very early what they've done, and put an end to it there. However, they seldom admitt to making a mistake, or showing poor judgement or lack of good character. My ex always claimed he only sought to defend himself from his first wife, who was also abusive. I never believed it was self defense when he fractured her skull. While she never turned on their children, he did, in various forms. To date he's been divorced 3 times, all due to one form of abuse or another. The last I heard, no one'll go out with him anymore.  | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:33:37 AM | Abusers have the proclivity of repeating their behaviors.
It takes a strong person to change and maintain the change once he or she is aware of the issue. Support systems are a benefit too. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:41:53 AM | | It's not the incompatiblity between two people, it is definitely a flaw that the abuser will carry from relationship to relationship. The abuser can be charming up front so you don't really know, and then they just gradually get worse until finally "enough is enough." I don't know of any cases where behavior therapy has actually helped. Maybe somebody out there has a success story they can share. :-) | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:48:27 AM | | I definitely think so. In fact, it's almost never that someone becomes homicidal with their first abuse victim. It's something they work their way up to... | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:48:37 AM | Abusers will carry it from one relationship to another.
The woman my ex were with before he did all the same crap to. Eventually he will end up alone or with someone who has had the patern in her life as well. The one that picks that sort of guy. Then they can miserably happy together. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:07:54 AM | Is it more an incompatibility between to certain people or do these people have a serious flaw that they carry from relationship to relationship
Serious flaw?
Nah ... I'm sure it's just incompatibility.
Probably just a coincidence the ex girlfriend fell down the stairs and got two black eye's too.
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:14:30 AM | I don't really think that behavior therapy will actually help either.
Sorry, I forgot I had already posted. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:28:04 AM | Is it more an incompatibility between two certain people or do these people have a serious flaw that they carry from relationship to relationship
Some abusers seek out the abused, others who are 'fixers' unknowingly seek out the abused because they underestimate the damage that can transcend generations.
Some victims unknowlingly seek out these 'fixers', other victims seek out what they've come to know through life experience as being 'normal' behavior, another abuser.
No one can prevent becoming a victim, but can choose to remain one as opposed to a concerted effort to become a survivor.
Good info here - Survivors-and-Friends.org ...help for the abused *and* their partners. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:31:10 AM | | Um.. this is an interesting subject & one that should be exposed & discussed - in the hope that one day awareness of this problem will outlaw this behaviour. I am sure many of us have experienced this sociopathic, narcissictic behaviour & the abuser does think they are the victim. If it wasn't so pernicious & destructive, it would be laughable. I pray this has nothing to do with incompatibility and everything to do with the attitudes and ignorance of the destructive personality that can cause so much distress & damage. Why do you ask? It is a very reasonable question. x | |
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| Do abusers repeat thier patterns? - Continually!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:31:35 AM | Yes, abusers ARE pattern exposed. If you meet someone who is jealous and/or possesive, or 'controlling', you can bet he/she is an 'abuser'. Hang out with a very jealous boyfriend, and you'll wind up with a black eye, probably fairly soon!
Smarten up, and if you notice any of these traits, break off the whole thing. You don't need trouble. The 'date' who phones four times a day, or wants to know where you are every moment, is as dangerous as an axe murderer! Are you ready to be his/her next victim? | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:40:29 AM | Gary,
Abusers continue the same pattern indefinitely until at least they get help. What does influence the time frame before they start doing the abuse is the strength of their next victim. Also some people just keep making the same mistake over and over again. The last relationship I was in, when she would tell me about her past relationships the story had a familiar feel and theme to it. Until that person steps back and evaluates what they did and take some responsibility they will continue down the same path. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:45:48 AM | Patterns... it is self explanatory, it is a repetition of behaviors, hence the name... It is human nature; it is one of our mechanisms in a learning process for worse or better.
Some blame the alcohol, drugs, the monkeys, the bad moods, the waters, the weather, her or his s*h*i*t, whatever else, but in fact it is the thinking alone that makes an abuser, nothing else.
Don’t believe you can prove better, don’t believe you can change it. Compassion and emotional involvement will only triggers forces to enforce more abuse.
I hope it helps to clarify at least the tip of the iceberg.
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:51:15 AM | Abusers rarely recover from it. Someone posted this on here once and it's a really, really good read, although long. I'll just post the link and if you feel like reading... by all means...
http://www.heartless-****es.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:08:33 PM | It's not "accidental" incompatibility...abusers seek out people who have low self esteem, usually women who have been abused before. People who are attracted to abusive people have usually BEEN abused before, they are attracted to that because they think it's normal, and they think it's all they deserve (because that's what their abusers have told them.)
You don't see many abusive people staying very long with someone who has a mind of their own or who will stick up for themselves...anyone with a high level of self-worth isn't going to be attracted to an abusive type (AND can usually see signs of him/her being an abusive type LONG before he/she ever lays a hand on them) and an abuser isn't going to be drawn to a strong, independent person, because a strong and independent person won't put up with their crap for 5 minutes.
Abusers are like schoolyard bullies, they can sense which kids are weaker (both physically and emotionally) and smaller than they are...not people on equal or stronger footing. | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:26:41 PM | | gonna agreee with Yall... except the 5 minutes part... i have nearly a zero tolerance and have been known in public to jump into abuser... on a fresh note.. one evening waiting at the movies for my GF to arrive.. I had the privilege to watch a blow up between a younger couple.. the boy really handled himself like a gentleman.. the girl was hitting him.. but not such that i'd jump out of the car.. just slaps.. and the boy never lifted a finger.. i heard the conversation, she was doing all the loud talking and he would respond calmly... what it was about sounded simple to me... he was late and she was pissed because of it.... I made a value judgment and I watched this young man calm her down... and the two settle and then sat in her car and i'm guessing talk some more.... my gf arrived an we went into the show... no idea what happen after... | |
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| Do abusers repeat there patterns
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:10:31 PM | | LOL, Docsimon, the 5 minutes is about how long it takes for an abuser to exhibit the first "red flag" that he's an abuser(to someone who knows what to look for)...so I gave a window of about 5 minutes to be about how long I'd hang around him! | |
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