| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:38:34 AM | It has happened over and over and is happening again.
I am a hairdresser.
Every now and then I will meet a guy on POF who actually seems like someone I would date. We start emailing, sometimes talk on the phone, whatever...at some point he will find out that I am a hairdresser. Almost immediately, he will decide that I am the person who should give him his next haircut.
This is a problem. First of all we are talking about men I have never met. Secondly, it might take me a while to get comfortable with that idea, and most men need a haircut every 4 weeks. ....Now I'm on a timetable. I dont even know you.
I need a way to communicate that I am not keen on random strangers from the internet showing up at my workplace. I've said it exactly like that and apparently that is too literal and blunt to make me a nice person.
The normal result of this type of encounter is that the man in question responds in such a way that I seldom actually meet anyone who thinks this is a good idea. Either they become offended or I have to get hard on the issue.
My questions are:
Is there a nicer way to say it?
What other jobs have this problem? | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:55:02 AM | Why don't you just say that you aren't comfortable with random people coming to your workplace. That you are looking for a potential relationship and not new clients and that your idea of a great first date is not you cutting their hair.
There....that wasn't so hard was it?
And if they think you are too blunt for being honest....well, they obviously wouldn't have been right for you anyway. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:58:09 AM | Everyone thinks I am too blunt for being honest.
I need to deal with the situation.
Honesty doesnt work very well, that's the unfortunate truth. I need to sugar-coat it. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:10:31 AM | "It's really sweet that you want me to cut your hair but I'd much rather meet you away from work so I can get to know you properly".
I would go for the blunt and honest approach though. How would a guy feel if you wanted to turn up at his office for a first date? To me, if a guy doesn't understand that it is inappropriate to just turn up at my workplace, he wouldn't be the guy for me. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:13:23 AM | Hi OP
Personally, I find mixing business and pleasure a sure recipe for disaster somewhere along the line and never mix the two.
How about something along the lines of:
'u appear to be someone I would like to date, if I cut your hair then that would be business and mixing business and pleasure is a potential recipe for disaster....'
or
'I have found it best to keep my private life separate from business as I have seen/experienced potential relationships/friendships ruined by mixing the two.'
Plus, it isn't a lie, isn't that what your post is saying?
Good luck.  | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:19:30 AM | I used to never date my clients, but when I did, the world didnt end.
I'd rather date a client than bring a date to work, the two are not the same.
For me to say that I never mix business and pleasure would not be accurate.
It's hard enough for someone like me to find a compatible date in Texas in the first place, this little twist is frustrating.
Post below: Thank you but my safety isnt the issue. Obviously I wouldnt reveal that information.
The issue is how to communicate this to men who havent really thought about my position. I do not believe these men are being intentionally inconsiderate. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:21:44 AM | | So don't tell them where you work. It's not necessary for a stranger you are chatting to online to know where you work. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:11:06 AM | Well, I run my own business fixing home PC problems during the evenings so I guess I would have this apply to me too. But I don't see it as a problem tho for me. For you however, I think that cutting hair is a little bit more 'personal' than fixing a date's PC lol!
Good luck!
Dazzy. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:11:29 AM | hi OP
I probably didnt come across too clearly, didnt mean you had to be literal but adapt it a bit?
Using your own words, perhaps say that you would prefer to get to know them a little better first?
I dont think that the men are being inconsiderate either, it could be their 'safe' way of saying they would like to get to know you better, rather than come straight out with it.
People dont always like to come across as to eager and hence your being a hairdresser is a way to break the ice?
If I was chatting to guy who was a hairdresser I would probably quip that he could have a go at my hair, but not necessarily mean it, just making conversation, as I would feel most uncomfortable if he actually agreed to do it!
Perhaps, you're thinking about it too much? no offence, but I have a tendency to over think things sometimes.
Best of | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:23:44 AM | There's nothing wrong with keeping your profession to yourself. Don't mention it...
Just because someone asks, doesn't mean you have to answer. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:56:55 AM | So here's what you do....
He says "what do you do"
You say "I'm a hairdresser....*laugh*...and you know everytime I say that I get the same response from people, "oh, can you cut my hair?"...*laugh*...mixing business with pleasure is just such a bad idea, don't you think?
Ok, sounds static....but all I am saying is address the issue even before they get to it. That way they know this is not an option at this time. Hopefully they can grab a clue. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:12:38 AM | Get a government job like mine. Everyone hates the government, right? They will leave you alone all right. But your dating might suffer as well. Catch 22 eh ?  | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:18:51 AM | i worked in the natural health industry for 14 years. every time i met someone, they would want me to advise them about herbs, oils, food etc. one guy actually came into the shop, asking about colon cleansers ~ a bit too much information there!
now i work for a law firm. no one really likes attorneys, so i don't expect anyone to cozy up to me because of what i do for a living. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:21:30 AM | Well it just happened again.
He said he thought it would be a safe place to meet and get to know each other. I explained why I dont agree. I'll bet you 50 bucks I never meet this guy. He seems nice, but since I vetoed his idea, now he is defensive.
Another one bites the dust.
I honestly dont know what to say, this has never been a problem in the real world. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:27:52 AM |
I honestly dont know what to say, this has never been a problem in the real world.
Why do you advertise something, NOT change your choice of disclosing your profession, then complain about getting the same type of responses? It makes me wonder if you really are bothered by it, or just like to complain. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:33:04 AM | Advertise? You've got to be kidding. What do you mean by that? You're suggesting I hide my profession? Does anyone else have to lie about what they do to avoid strangers showing up at work?
Why do people need to make posts to criticise others instead of addressing the real problems that people have to deal with? | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:05:03 AM | Hey OP...... I do not think you should feel the need to hide your profession at all. To me that is like saying "Prefer Not To Say" on your profile and as we all know from reading the many threads about that, people think the worst when someone is being secretive.
How about this: next time a man gets offended when you decline cutting his hair, just try explaining that you don't feel comfortable giving out such personal information (your workplace) before even getting to know him better. If he's a *nice guy*, he will understand and possibly even be impressed with your personal level of safety.
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:09:26 AM | Iconoclast, you've had quite a few suggestions on how to deal with your problem but all you seem to have done is say "but that won't work because....." or put stumbling blocks in your own way.
Do you really want to have a relationship with a man who cannot see that turning up at your place of employment is inappropriate?
If you sugar coat a pill too much, people don't realise it's a pill at all! What I am trying to say is sometimes, blunt is the only thing that is going to work! | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:14:28 AM | I just would not mention specifically what I do until you are more comfortable or have had your first meeting already. Personally, I sometimes have kind of a warped sense of humor. I think I'd respond with something like, you know, if we didn't like each other would you really want me standing over the back of your head with a pair of scissors or razor?????
These types of responses usually get a laugh, not a defensive response, then change the subject on a much lighter note. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:16:49 AM | Iconoclast, you've had quite a few suggestions on how to deal with your problem but all you seem to have done is say "but that won't work because....." or put stumbling blocks in your own way.
I was hoping for good suggestions. I have already done the obvious, thanks.
Do you really want to have a relationship with a man who cannot see that turning up at your place of employment is inappropriate?
Perhaps not, but I stated earlier that I do not believe that every single one of these men is being thoughtless. Something else is going on here.
If you sugar coat a pill too much, people don't realise it's a pill at all! What I am trying to say is sometimes, blunt is the only thing that is going to work!
Blunt gets the point across, but it ends communication as well. How is a guy supposed to react to that?
I think I'd respond with something like, you know, if we didn't like each other would you really want me standing over the back of your head with a pair of scissors or razor?????
Humor is good! I think I'll try that, thank you. The Sweeny Todd angle. Creep 'em out real good. | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:21:56 AM |
I was hoping for good suggestions.
How charming you are! I can certainly see why you are having problems with people getting defensive from your "turn of phrase"! | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:37:24 AM | OP - Meeting at someone's place of work is totally inappropriate no matter what the person does for a living. I don't get why you would want to continue communicating with someone who insists on this. Think of it as a weeding out tool. What other boundaries are they going to want to ignore?
Most people don't mean to be thoughtless but it still doesn't make it okay, especially if it's a result of not HEARING the other person's concerns and feelings.
The question really is why are you wanting to help them ignore your boundaries? | |
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| My job invites over-familiarity.
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:38:16 AM | ^^^^You make a great point.
Tell them you are a nail technician. If it actually turns into a relationship, explain why you told the fib. If they don't understand, they are either stupid or too inflexible to want to remain in a relationship with.
I would suspect that a lot of people encounter situations in which people try to get free or reduced services from someone because of their job but yours is probably one of the few that would present this kind of issue with a guy and the whole timetable thing.
The other way you could deal with it is tell them that you do not date clients so if they want to show up at your place of business whether it is you or someone else who would do their hair, you will not date them, period.
This makes it their choice and you have to explain nothing. Most people do understand client conflicts so perhaps this is a bit safer way of setting the boundaries. If they don't get it or want to be pushy, to hell with them.
I think what the OP is trying to say and everybody is tearing her *ss up is that no matter what reason she gives these guys, she keeps pushing and it may be because if is now a non-gendered industry and people are used to the way hair dressers are, trying to make clients, comfortable, etc. and they may just have no clue that they are being inappropriate.
If she was a donut maker, this wouldn't be a problem. As another poster noted, when she changed to the law firm, people no longer ask her for the advice they did when she was working in a different industry. | |
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