| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:46:42 PM | OK, Ive noticed a trend as Ive gotten older that, quite frankly, I dont understand. Whether it be in email or on the phone, we all are here to "size-up" potential love-interests. At least in the beginning stages. When youre first talking in email to someone, or you have a phone conversation or two, we're just trying to get a feel for one another and see if there's compatibility there.
What Ive noticed a lot of, though, are people who keep whining "why did he/she just disappear?". "We had a good phone conversation and he never called back". "We emailed twice and now she deletes my emails". Etc, etc, etc.
To me, this kind of behavior used to be called "Taking a hint". If someone who you just began conversation with, or only talked to once on the phone, stops communicating with you it most likely means theyre not interested in you for one reason or another. At least thats what it used to be like 10 years ago before I was married.
In today's dating world it seems different now. People want to know WHY that person stopped talking to them. And this brings me to my question:
Why would you want to know the exact reasons someone isnt interested in you? Why the need to hear about what things that person finds unattractive about you? To me it just seems like youre putting yourself, and the other person, through a lot more drama than is necessary. Apparently Im in the minority in this feeling, though. So Im interested to hear other people's thoughts/ideas on this.
Why does the uninterested party have to justify to you as to what, exactly, it is that turned them off? And why the heck would you want to put yourself out there to be criticized? Wouldnt it just be a whole lot easier to take the hint that he/she isnt interested, leave it at that, and move on? | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:51:25 PM | No one HAS to justify disinterest.
But in an age where people are more disconnected with people than ever before, people crave contact. Expectations start up, fantasizing about dates starts...and when there's a blow-off, it's not just ending a great phone call, it's ending all the fantasies surrounding that possible elusive meeting.
It's no one's obligation to cater to that sort of thing, but it's common.
And if you want people who are better at this dating thing, they need to know what they're doing wrong.
If you don't want to, don't. Eventually they will go away. But you could use the opportunity to help the poor soul. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:58:11 PM | What a great post...I couldn't agree more. As for your question, I think there are a couple of things going on for those people. One is that they take someone's disinterest as an indication there's something wrong with them when the fact is, all it means is that they weren't a good fit. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with them, just that the other person didn't feel it was a good fit. We all meet people we don't think are a good fit for us in this life. It is what it is.
Secondly, I think the wanting (or more accurately, needing) to know why originates from low self esteem and/or emotional immaturity ~ but this is JMO.
Personally, I don't want or need to know why someone loses interest in me. And knowing wouldn't change a single thing in my life. I see no point in ruminating about such things; things happen if and how and when they're supposed to. If someone loses interest in you, why dwell on it? What difference is it going to make? If they say it's because they don't like something you said or did, are you going to change it? What would changing for someone else accomplish? Nothing. People need to be loved for who they are, not for who someone else wants them to be.
So..........when one person loses interest, feel your disappointment, brush yourself off, get up, and move forward. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:15:18 PM | Some people might want to know in order to try to improve something about themselves. Or even just out of curiousity.
Take a leap to an employment situation: If you get fired, wouldn't you want to know why? | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:22:58 PM | The first couple instances of contact between two people in any situation are always a tough time for both parties, especially when the general expectation is a relationship. When one person, say the woman as it typically is on internet dating sites like this, becomes disinterested in the man, he feels inadequate, inferior and dishonorably rejected.
After this common stage, guys have a few roads. On the brink of their inadequate feeling, men (or the disappointed party) wants to justify to himself that he is NOT inadequate and worth something. So he harasses the woman asking her "what's wrong, what did I do wrong, why is this, can I fix it?" while secretly and desperately hoping that she will say that it is HER fault the relationship went sour.
But here's the question. If she says that you, the man, are the reason that it didn't work out, then what? Do you go on justifying yourself to her, pleaing for her to return your calls? Chances are that she's going to feel less attracted to you, especially feeling that you are desperate. Here's what to do: (girls come up with your version of this) get a bunch of your friends, go watch a game, blaze, drink, spend quality time with quality friends. Screw her.
Chances are that you didn't really even know her. Sure she is tall blonde, has a 4.0 from Ivy, but if she doesn't see what a good guy you are, then it's her loss. And plus, it's even better that she hadn't let you on and dropped you hard on your ass after a year relationship. Read over your message history to see where she started getting disinterested, and save that pleasure for the next girl. It's her fault. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:31:29 PM | In the last few years the term 'closure' has come up..
I don't and never have actually felt the need for it..maybe its the same as therapy and counselling..everyone is on the band wagon..
I tend to prefer just 'taking the hint' 
Lots less hassle..and you can move on quicker..without 'needing closure'.... | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:37:41 PM | Take a leap to an employment situation: If you get fired, wouldn't you want to know why?
Of course I would, but this has nothing in common with someone I may communicate with online for a short period of time. When a person gets fired, it's because they were hired. With online dating, having what the OP describes happen compares more with not getting through the interview process in the first place. Apples and oranges.
he feels inadequate, inferior and dishonorably rejected
As I said in my earlier post, I think this comes from low self esteem and emotional immaturity. Having someone choose not to pursue a relationship with you does not mean there's anything wrong with you, and if you think it does then you need to have a good long look at yourself, not at "her". | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:45:42 PM | I took a psychology course years ago and one of the exercises was that everyone had to go around and place an anonymous note of what they thought of you in individually marked containers. We each then got to open our own containers. The teacher had this to say:
"If one person calls you a jerk, ignore it. If 10 people call you a jerk, you're probably a jerk."
I'd want to know why. Not so that I'd change for that one person, but if I am giving off some vibes that I am not aware of and no one tells me, how will I ever improve? | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:55:52 PM | I can see both sides of the coin on this one. On the one hand, what a pain to have to explain to each person you talk to why you aren't compatible, that's frustrating. On the other hand, it's admirable that someone wants to know why it didn't work out, and if you can share something that helps them improve their social skills, then why not?
I think the job analogy is good except I would equate it with applying for a job, and the prospective employer not contacting you at all, just filling the position. In that case, I see nothing wrong with contacting the prospective employer and asking why you weren't hired. They might tell you that you had bad breath, or that your skills didn't match what they were looking for, or whatever. Then you could improve on the next interview, and you can only get better until someone finally hires you.
I personally don't feel comfortable with asking someone why we didn't hit it off, but I guess I can understand people who do. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:56:31 PM |
Personally, I don't want or need to know why someone loses interest in me. And knowing wouldn't change a single thing in my life.
Yes, in this virtual world there is no need to, it doesn't take long if it's good thingy, if there is a person you find is of substance and confidence good for it,if not, so what.
They are all here for various reasons and agendas other then dating!
Good luck! | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:03:23 PM | I suppose I can see the angle of someone wanting to improve themselves, but for me I find it difficult to be on the other end. If a woman is interested in me, and Im just not feeling it, I dont want to have to breakdown the reasons for my disinterest to her. It feels like Im being mean by picking her apart, and thats not what I want to do to anyone.
Not that this happens on any sort of regular basis to me, mind you, but it does happen. I dont want to tell someone what I dont like about them, anymore than I really want to hear what they dislike about me. It just seems so much easier to drop a hint, take said hint, and move on to the next chapter. But then, I am a guy...always looking for the easy way out, I suppose. lol | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:15:46 PM | If a woman is interested in me, and Im just not feeling it, I dont want to have to breakdown the reasons for my disinterest to her.
I dont want to tell someone what I dont like about them, anymore than I really want to hear what they dislike about me.
I feel the same way. Either one feels it or one doesn't. Analyzing it would only apply to that one person anyway, so I see no point in it. If one is repeatedly having this happen, then maybe.... But I would not put a man on the spot by asking him why he'd lost interest in me. And although I have not had a man ask me this (to this point at least), I'm pretty certain I would decline to answer such a question. It would just strike me as whiny, needy, and a turn off in general. It's not my job to be a dating mentor. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:23:10 PM | Nice reply to a post,.. pip35. I met someone on here.We corresponded. Then she dropped me her phone number. I called her, she called back. We got along. Then she pushed the issue to meet up, so I said ok. We met up, got along good. She then said, I wanna cookout today? Do you want to come over? So I said yes. So she said, Let me go home and straighten up first then I'll call you, and give you directions. Haven't heard from her since? Confused? I just wanted to know what I did wrong so I could maybe improve. But I just don't understand why someone would go thru so much to pursue you, put in all that work,..then flake out on you??? lol. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:42:22 PM |
I feel the same way. Either one feels it or one doesn't. Analyzing it would only apply to that one person anyway, so I see no point in it. If one is repeatedly having this happen, then maybe.... But I would not put a man on the spot by asking him why he'd lost interest in me. And although I have not had a man ask me this (to this point at least), I'm pretty certain I would decline to answer such a question. It would just strike me as whiny, needy, and a turn off in general. It's not my job to be a dating mentor.
agreed.
However, I see this thread going for 40 or 50 pages IF any/all of the following groups get involved:
1. the "read/delete and I am pi.ssed off about it."
2." unread /delete message and I am angry about it "
3. either of the above and then the dreaded "blocked" people
4. The "They are so rude" group. sometimes called the inconsiderate group. not to be confused with the
4b " thoughtless ' group.
5. The "their mother never raised them right" group
6. the " my mother raised me right " group.
7. the "social fabric unravelling " group.
and the others.
These things - 'take the hint buddy" and " why did he block me?" or " how dare she not even read my email after I took all the time to write it up!" and whatever else we complain about - are much the same:
someone is not fulfilling some unstated requirement of the sender.
The offended person goes to great length to point out all the requirements that the other person didn't meet, questioning their upbringing, morals, conduct towards kittens and puppies etc...
People who agree with that rant and are on that side of the fence jump on that bandwagon.
Meanwhile, the people who denounce this entire thing as non-sense as no person on this site is under any obligation to do anything for anyone for any reason. And if they do decide to do anything, it is their choice. The option of doing nothing exists and it doesn't make anyone necessarily evil by choosing that option.
AS the principle of "demanding that others do what you want them to do" and " taking away people's choice in thier own actions " is much the same across these threads, you could scroll through those threads to see the thinking that went behind the arguments.
It usually boils down to :
them: "BUT I WANT THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME "
us: but they don't have to- its their choice. this is life. get used to it. join the club , we have jackets. i am here 'til Thursday, try the veal!
These threads should/could possibly be combined somehow as it will make a great single thread. Just merge this one into any of the others.
Neither of the members of the two sides from the previous threads will be willing to get involved in this as the whiners have discovered that they are being seen as ...well... the whiners that they are.
The people who argued against the whiners have discovered that they are essentially flailing away at the mud where a ghost rose from the bones of the dead horse.
So few will jump in here. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:28:22 PM |
It usually boils down to :
them: "BUT I WANT THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME "
us: but they don't have to- its their choice. this is life. get used to it. join the club , we have jackets. i am here 'til Thursday, try the veal!
Exactly! We don't always get what we want. Time to man up (or woman up, as the case may be) and deal with it. Whining is not attractive.
These threads should/could possibly be combined somehow as it will make a great single thread. Just merge this one into any of the others.
Isn't that illegal?
 | |
|
vosche
|
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:32:21 PM | people ask in a way that they are supposed to use the info to better themselves and improve themselves...supposedly..
thats garbage. its asking one person that didnt work out for you what they didnt like so you can change those things for the next person supposedly to improve your odds of success...
people need to stop doing this, dont change for someone that didnt want you, and dont change yourself for some future person you've never met...if you like who you've become find someone that likes who you've become too, you dont need to know why something didnt work to change something ONE person didnt like. changing means you could very well end up being a turn off to another person unintentionally!!! | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:34:25 PM |
These threads should/could possibly be combined somehow as it will make a great single thread. Just merge this one into any of the others.
Isn't that illegal?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
only in some states.... | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:47:40 PM | It depends on the amount of time you've spent together and the reasons for not continuing.
One meeting, or never meeting as the correspondence has been via emails, etc... needs no explanation at all. But if someone lied about something I may give them a "shame on you" kind of thing. It just depends.
If someone ASKS for a reason, they want to shift their disappointment into anger.
I say let them sit with the disappointment.
| |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:54:41 PM | Maybe it can be nice to know, but you're not entitled to it within the first few dates.
Most of the time when you ask for closure you won't get it to your satisfaction...you can never know enough...you keep asking for MORE information...and all that to just keep the interaction going so the "relationship" doesn't end. You keep the hope for a reconciliation alive.
In the end, you have to make your own closure. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:56:55 PM | What!?! No one has wrote to say how 'rude' it is to just stop communication without a reason? Wow! I completely argee and the OP put it perfectly! In the early stages, there is no need to justify disinterest!! Really, how much can some strager not being interested really affect you?
Just move on. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:16:23 PM | What Ive noticed a lot of, though, are people who keep whining "why did he/she just disappear?". "We had a good phone conversation and he never called back". "We emailed twice and now she deletes my emails". Etc, etc, etc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------Who are all these people you know? It seems the same ole same ole these past few years as far as who answers emails etc. I wouldn't worry about it if I was you. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:25:15 PM | | The reason "why" is simple. You gave too much, too fast. Men love the chase. You threw COLD WATER on their hot pursuit, when you made yourself so available. I usually can get a date quicker, if I don't even talk on the phone. No long conversations on the phone before meeting. This gives him too much. Just make a date. Make him come to your turf. Don't sleep with him. Make him want you. Wear classy clothes that don't show off everything. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:26:43 PM | Depends on the situation.
If everything appeared to be going fine one day, then it's over then next, i for one would want an explanation, but would't expect one.
if the relationship has taken a turn for the worse over the past weeks/months, then there's no real reason to ask what you already know.
it all depends on the situation. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:51:42 PM | When it comes to not replying to an email - no reply is a reply. It is also the best reply if there is no interest.
No reply is not all that personal.
Why would anyone what this kind of reply >>> I am not interested in YOU. Now THAT is personal.
Why put someone on the spot by asking/wanting a excuse/reason. What good would that do.
I say just let them go. In your own mind wish them well and just move on. | |
|
| Why The Need For Justifying Disinterest?
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:06:17 PM | They might feel there was something miscommunicated, you took something wrong, not the way it was intended.
Or they want you to tell them something they can then in their mind make it YOU, not them. They are looking for a lack in you vs wanting real constructive information.
However, I think if you have taken someone time and they have invested energy and emotion into you...in some ways you do owe them an explanation. I dont think you have to be rude or bitter but if you just say, I'm sorry, I dont think we have the same viewpoints on some issues and dont feel it would be in our best interest to continue. If they press the point just say it was nice meeting them and wish them well on their search.
My complaint is about the people who *disappear, they just DONT STAY GONE! I think alot of times they dont want to tell you anything so they can leave the door open to come back. I think at times maybe they want you to say...Im not interested so they dont have to worry about you coming back at a later time. | |
|
Home
login 
