| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:33:42 PM | I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and we just recently broke up because she said I was not committed enough. She constantly would ask me about when I was going to propose to her. I told her I would when I was ready because I had just graduated from college and was looking to start my career.
In any case, I ended up not talking to her for a couple weeks because of some issues we had, plus the fact that her phone was disconnected and she lives 45 miles away from me. One day I receive a phone call from a private number and its her. She starts to tell me that it is over and that she met some guy 2 months ago that proposed to her and she accepted! Now recently she just moved in with the guy and left me hanging like I was nothing.
The bottom line is, does a ring really make a difference? My 3 years with her, was that not enough commitment? I mean I was going to give her a ring at some point.
Another thing I do not understand is how she leaves me and decides to marry a guy she hardly knows! What do you guys think on this issue? | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:36:51 PM | It seems like she was just looking for a guy to take care of her and it seems like it didn't matter who it was. She just wanted to be done with dated and move on to the next phase of her life. Probably something she was imagining for a long time.
That is still extremely messed up. Well there is a reason why the divorce rate is like 60%. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:55:43 PM | Your 24yr so I assume she was quite young also. At that age if my SO didnt talk to me for a few weeks I would probably think it might be over anyway. Were you using the ole 'withdrawal' method on her thinking it would hurt her but she was happily starting a relationship with someone else? Oops that backfired didnt it.
I can imagine you must have felt a bit shocked and surprised at her statement and I am sorry for you. Just another lesson in life, one of many you will come across.
Getting to your question. Yes a ring does make a difference to the one who believes and desires it. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:59:05 PM | Sorry for your hard luck OP.
When asked the question: "does a ring make a difference?"
My answer is always: "to the one woman that is actually worth it, it won't" 
This lady of yours was clearly desperate for something and/or living on a schedule, as that's the only way I can possibly rationalize agreeing to marry someone you've only been dating for two months if you didn't even know them before that... 
Take the high road and simply wish her well because she's likely going to need it a year or two down the road when she's disillusioned and divorced, probably knocked up once or twice for her trouble and back on the singles market yet again... 
I thought women understood that you bang the Rebound Guy, you don't actually MARRY him...   | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:01:08 PM | | She didn't want to wait around for 'some point'. She wanted a commitment now and you refused to give her one. She found someone who would and she's gone. Ya snooze, ya lose. You didn't care enough to make a commitment to her by becoming engaged so she moved on. Deal with it! | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:08:08 PM | A ring definitely does not make or break a relationship, she clearly just wanted to have someone propose to her, whether it was you or some shmuck off the street. It seems to me that she was ina rush to get a proposal, while neglecting to consider the overall probability of the relationship lasting.
She went off and accepted a random guy because he was foolish enough to ask her. Personally, I'd be thanking him if I were you because it sounds like she cares more about the symbolism of the ring than she does about the guy who is giving it to her.
You, who loved her and wanted to do it when you were BOTH ready, wanted to propose at the right time....but you weren't ready and if she loved you, she would have stood by you.
But she didn't, and that shows a lot about her. She saved you from making a grave mistake...and proposing to a girl who may or may not have accepted your proposal for the wrong reasons. (I.E- just to get married regardless of who the proposer was.) | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:11:22 PM | I guess everyone is missing the point.... She got engaged after TWO months of dating a guy??? If that doesn't scream CRAZY, i don't know what does.
The OP should be happy that he's not engaged to her because it looks like she didn't care whom she married. She just cares about being married.
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:12:44 PM |
At that age if my SO didnt talk to me for a few weeks I would probably think it might be over anyway.
While I might agree with that, I'd also want to know what time scale that "couple of weeks" was, since she told him that "she met some guy 2 months ago that proposed to her and she accepted".
Because, presuming her phone was disconnected as he said, and even given "a couple of weeks" is, lets say 4, that would mean she met the guy a month *before* he stopped talking to her, and that perhaps she was pressuring *him* for a "ring" because she had this other guy who was already talking about giving her one after only 4 weeks?
In which case, I'd say she was more interested in "a ring" than an actual relationship, and he dodged a pretty "quick moving" bullet. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:13:25 PM | In your post you stated "she constantly would ask me about when I was going to propose to her" so it is obvious the ring was something important to her and on her mind a lot.
It probably is a girl thing...women like the status and sparkle on their finger to remind them they are chosen/cherished and no I don't think women look at the years of the relationship, as a sign of commitment the same way guys do.
It sounds like you had bigger issues than just the ring thing happening there. No digs meant but I have never had an issue resolved by not talking about it for a couple of weeks.
I honestly don't get her wanting to marry someone she hardly knows unless it is to piss you off which could be a disaster for her if it takes place. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:13:49 PM | | Yes, commitment makes a difference for women. 3 years is a fairly long time to be dating. I just recently read some advice that said if the guy hadn't proposed after 1.5 years, move on. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:15:02 PM | She waited how long....... 3 years for a commitment. Interesting how some say this is 'desperation' and 'in a rush'.
Dont stress too much about it. You both are on different life paths. Go out with the boys and have some fun. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:16:15 PM | Yes. A ring makes a difference. The 1960's are over. When a woman is ready and has reached the stage in her life that she wants to commit, she doesn't want to shack up interminably--she wants to get started on life, love, family, etc. She has an inalienable right to pursue happiness, and furthermore, she told you *exactly* what that was before she bailed.
And besides... THREE years??!! I'd say she gave you a huge chance, and you let her know that she was asking for something you won't give her.
She's happy, so be happy for her.
And btw, you should thank her for letting you keep the things you believe will make you happy --freedom, career, single status--so this is a win-win. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:19:20 PM | She went off and accepted a random guy because he was foolish enough to ask her. Personally, I'd be thanking him if I were you because it sounds like she cares more about the symbolism of the ring than she does about the guy who is giving it to her.
You, who loved her and wanted to do it when you were BOTH ready, wanted to propose at the right time....but you weren't ready and if she loved you, she would have stood by you.
Bingo, collegegirl08!! I had a GF do that to me once, it was long distance (3 hrs, his 45 minutes I could have commuted) and she *demanded* I marry her at 6mo's of dating. I actually had been planning on asking her at xmas, so I said I wanted to, but we needed to talk about me getting a job there (house to sell, moving, mortgage to pay in the meantime, and a 3hr commute each way, 5 days a week, isn't very practical). "No, no talk, you marry me now or its over!" Heh, guess how that ended? Oh yeah, and for the OP's reference, she was married a year later, she got what she wanted - it lasted 6 years, 3 of which she found out he'd been cheating on her.
Reality is, you can't have a real relationship without *2-way* communication and compromise. Hers sounds more like my ex-GF's, an ultimatum, "my way or the highway". That doesn't generally make for the start of a very healthy relationship. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:20:33 PM | My sister dated the same guy all through high school 5 years, broke up, then another guy through Univeristy 3 years, broke up. Then all of a sudden one day she came home and announced "guess what? I`m getting married. We didn`t even know she was dating anyone. A month later they were married, both extremely conservative, the last people you would have ever guessed to marry that quickly. Well, they now have 30 years of happy marriage under their belt. Me on the other hand, dated my sweetheart for 3 years, just to make sure we were ready, and had 14 years of marital hell until I left him. Life is weird. You never know what will happen. I think if she was the right one, you probably would have ended up with her. You wouldn`t have risked losing her.
At least if you are smart. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:22:19 PM | | I just wanted to do everything the right way, by getting my career going first so I could provide for her and marry her. I guess she could not wait and found someone that had everything going for them already. My biggest fear was getting divorced so I just wanted to do everything the right way and not rush things. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:24:38 PM | I find it hilarious how many female posters are jumping down the OP's throat that "3 years was a long enough commitment, you snooze, you lose".
The OP is TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD. He's a freaking College Student for Christ's Sakes, and presumably, so is SHE.
How many of you people out there would marry someone by age 24, regardless of how long you knew them? By that logic if three years is a long enough commitment some of you should have married your senior high school boyfriend whom you probably dated for a couple of years... After all, by the end of your third year you were probably at least 18...
Sounds like everyone is trying to suggest this guy should have set himself up for the typical "Early Twenties Divorce" that is becoming all-too common in this new century... Pretty soon they're going to call them "trial marriages" | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:33:42 PM | I agree with post #7...sounds to me like she wanted to get married, just hope she likes being married
considering she doesn't know this guy well enough to gauge whether it's a good match or not...hope it's a long engagement! | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:35:24 PM | I think you did the right thing here. I agree with the idea that you should get your life on track first. You can't just get married and not plan ahead to buy your first home together, and all that goes with it. These things take time when done the right way, and you definitely seem more of the plan ahead type whereas she is more spontaneous. (Or so it would seem anyway.)
I do happen to agree with one of the other responders who mentioned the timeline of the events being awfully close to each other. If I am correct here, she met him while she was with you and waited to see if you would before jumping the gun to another relationship.
Either way, you clearly aren't meant to be together if you couldn't rationally discuss things. You weren't ready, that's the bottom line. How could anyone ask you to propose when they know you are not ready? If you were supposed to consider her feelings, where was the consideration for yours?
Yes, three years is a long time in terms of a relationship, but at least you got to see her for who she was before you made the mistake. And, it is a mistake, since she didn't want to acknowledge that you weren't ready. She was ready, and that seemed to be all that mattered. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:39:27 PM | | Interesting...I've always said...it doesn't take years and years to figure out if someone is the right one for you...you know pretty darn quick and she was ready to take the plunge...so this makes perfect sense to me actually. Although I would advise that they wait a year before they actually seal the deal because while you're in the honeymoon phase and everything is great and wonderful, you really don't know this person...he could be a cheater, a drug user, an abuser...which is hard to assess right off the bat. The end result was really just a natural consequence of what was truly meant to be...meaning you and her weren't...and it appears that her and the other guy were. Life is pretty cool that way :) Yes, the ring does matter...it's a symbol of commitment. You could have even got her one from a gumball machine...and say honey, I promise to get you one more substantial someday...it's a cute gesture and I'm sure she'll cherish it. An ex gave me a gumball ring after a month of dating and I wore it for days...lol | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:47:17 PM | "My biggest fear was getting divorced..."
Getting married and getting divorced are two trains of thought running in opposite directions. Sound like you had uncertainties,and love may be many things but, uncertain isn't one of them.
Although break ups are painful you are so much better off. When you do decide marriage is where you are headed darlin "divorce" will not be on your mind. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:48:21 PM | I believe to alot of women it does make a difference.
3 years is a long time and you were not even living together but I applaud your thinking to be more secure with career etc and sticking to that decision.
I doubt either of you are at fault here. She wanted a commitment of engagement or marriage, she was ready to start her life in a partnership and you were not ready.
My parents had a very long successful marriage until my father passed last year. They new each other only 4 weeks before the marriage. Its not that strange in some cultures, infact it would be considered very strange to be dating for 3 years.
I wish you all the best and try and be happy for her now she has what her heart desired. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:54:16 PM | | OP, I can agree with not rushing things but 3 years it is quite long. These days it doesn't work out with many women who want to get married. Especially, if she clearly indicated it to you. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:56:32 PM | | I told her (after the break up) we were both still young and had plenty of time to plan things out. She is 21 years old and has one year left to finish college and I have just graduated. We had our whole lives ahead of us. | |
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| Does a ring make a difference?
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:04:47 PM | Despite her age, which i think is rather young, she feels she is ready to settle with a guy she barely knows.
Either way, now it's time for you to go out into the world, begin your life and meet the person YOU are meant to be with. When the time is right, you will be ready.
This just wasn't the time for you. | |
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