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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:49:08 AM | My first post...
I had been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years. We had built a great life with each other over these 2 years, up until a few months ago. About a month and a half ago, she broke up with me, saying that there were just so many little things that built up and frustrated her. We both live busy lives...we both play sports, work out a lot, I work 2 jobs. I feel like being so busy kinda pushed us apart. I definitely felt a weird distance between us during those last couple months. I'm not totally sure what specific things bothered her, but she told me things just began to feel forced. When we weren't spending time together, she said she was enjoying that independent time and decided she just want to be on her own. She said its not about being single, or meeting someone else, but she just couldn't be in this relationship anymore. Despite how I feel, I can understand this and respect her honesty...I could see us drifting apart, and we kinda just let it happen. We never really fought, which I thought was kinda abnormal after 2 years. There were problems with us communicating about what bothered us throughout the relationship, which makes sense that she let things just bottle up inside her and continue to bother her. I share the blame for this.
I love this girl very much, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work. I was willing to cut back on activities, even quit my second job to be able to spend more time with her. I pleaded with her to let us try to make it work. It just feels like the problems that caused this are so easy to deal with, and to throw away everything we had during those 2 years over these issues seemed like she was just giving up. She said she didn't want to give it another shot. Throughout the breakup, we have opened up a lot to each other. We've been very honest and open about how we feel, and I feel like we broke down a big barrier...seeing how one of our biggest problems was communicating with each other about what bothered us.
She gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line when she broke up with me. I was devastated, but tried to make the break up as amicable as possible. She's expressed that she wants to be friends, that I'm such an important part of her life that she doesn't want to lose me completely. We've had some talks where she's said that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be, then it will happen. Other than "catching up" a couple time we haven't talked about any of this in at least a month or so. She stressed that we need to take time apart, and give each other space to move on so that these feelings aren't raw anymore and then we can try to be friends. I'm just so confused. I love her more than anything, and had thought that she was the girl I would marry. I had actually planned on buying a ring this summer and proposing. I know I need to give her space...I don't want to bother her and push her away. She says she doesn't think we will get back together, but with her saying things like "if its meant to be, it'll happen" and hugging me and saying "i love you" as she leaves it's hard to move on.
Anyways, I'm cutting all contact despite how tough this is going to be. If she wants to be friends, I'm making her be the one to contact me. At this point, should I even expect that there's still a chance for me to get her back? Or am I setting myself up the be hurt again? I can't make her feel anything that's not there, but I hope that in time, she will remember what we had, and want that again. If we start as friends again, maybe she and I can be together again and learn from this experience. I miss her, and love her very much. I'd do anything to have her back.
Thanks for reading. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:03:17 AM | | These things take time. Right now you are hurting. Instead of trying to get her back, try getting yourself back. Work on yourself and give yourself positive reinforcement. This is not a failure, it is a lesson. What is the lesson? Find it. Learn from it. Move on. You know, I broke up with a man I love last summer because we were both going in different directions and it just was the right time to move on. It was hard for the two of us. He has cut off contact with me and I understand wholely. It was hard for me and I miss him, but it was time to move on and I am still so grateful to him for all that he taught me about love and life for the fifteen years we were "lovers." I have been working on myself ever since. I wish you well. Act. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:13:08 AM | OP The part about her enjoying her independant time away and wanting more time to "find herself" are all ways of saying: It's not you, it's me. "I want my freedom." The reason she wants her freedom is simple; she's found someone else and wants to be moving on [with him.]
Come back in two weeks and tell me i'm wrong.
She probably hasn't done anything yet. The reason I think this is that she has you firmly on the back burner. This way, if he rejects her, she always has your shoulder to cry on. Right now, she's chasing him and enjoying her freedom (which she could not do with you in tow.)
Sorry dude, but this is how I see it. The very second you wrote "I love you but I'm not in love with you" told me it was another guy.
Forget her. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:13:53 AM | | Has the word "passion" ever come into play here. It sounds like this was missing aside from communication. Sometimes, when we get too comfortable with our mates, we forget romance. I feel that, if you do start to communicate again (after cutting contact for right now)- and I do hope she will make the next move - some romantic gesture is needed to get the relationship on the track that you want. Without passion and "sexy-love", I can't see the two of you ever being more than just friends - which may hurt you. Think about it - was there ever passion??? | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:23:08 AM | | Although I appreciate your input, I do feel that this is not the case at all. Her and I have been honest with each other about this whole thing. I have asked her several times if this was the reason, and each time she has firmly said that this was not the reason. We are broken up and she has plenty of friends' shoulders to cry on if this was the case, so there is no reason for her to lie to me. We are both hurt, and we are trying to make this breakup as amicable as possible. We respect each other enough to not put the other in this kind of situation, it only makes things harder. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:32:04 AM | Ms Brat,
It's very interesting that you mention "passion." I would actually describe her as being rather cold. Passion or "sexy love" as you put it was definitely something that was needed more of in our relationship. I had brought it up with her several times while we were together. She always told me that that was just how she was...by her own account, she's always been somewhat unemotional...even though she told me she had very strong feelings for me. It definitely put a strain on the relationship, and put doubts in my head about me and her. I do believe that this had a big reason for leading to where we are right now. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:40:47 AM | | Sounds like she's moved on & you should too. Could be someone else in the wings as well, especially if you were working 2 jobs & a lot of people need and want that consistent 1:1 time together. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:10:44 AM | | I can sympathize with your situation, OP. I went through a similar breakup a couple of years ago. I stayed in constant contact with my ex, and while we're still friends now, I think the fact that we spent so much time together after the breakup probably made it harder. It took me a long time to get over him. Having come from that situation, I'd definitely recommend cutting off all contact with her, at least for a while. It's really not fair for her to be stringing you along this way, and while I disagree with one poster's comment that the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line means she's definitely seeing someone else, I would tend to agree that she's probably keeping you on the back burner, because you're safe to go back to. I kind of did the same thing to an ex of mine years ago without even realizing I was doing it. She's trying to get the best of both worlds -- maintaining her freedom knowing she's still got you to lean on if she gets lonely. If you want my advice, I'd say to spend more time with your guy friends now (they'll help to keep you from wallowing too much) and politely tell her that you can't see or speak with her at all for a while. If she's a decent person, she'll understand. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:14:47 AM | Sounds like the Brother Sister Syndrome here.
Hey ho, moving on, dont bother with the lady, she has already gone, as for being mates, how you going to feel when she gets all smoochy with someone else and goes home with them?
Nah moving on............................... NEXT | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:25:19 AM | | AFTER READING YOUR POST,I THINK YOU,NOT HER,SCREWED UP.YOU SAY YOU REALLY LOVED HER,BUT YOUR ACTIONS SAY OTHER WISE.YOUR JOBS WERE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER.YOU BEING THE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS COMMUNICATED WITH HER.YOU LET HER SLIP AWAY FROM YOU,NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO SUFFER THE RESULTS OF YOUR ACTIONS.IF YOU THINK THAT BY HAVING NO CONTACT WITH HER AT ALL,IS GOING TO WIN HER BACK,THEN YOU STILL HAVE NOT GROWED UP AND MAYBE THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY SHE LEFT YOU TO BEGIN WITH.LADYS HAVE TO BE SHOWED EVERY DAY THAT THEY ARE WANTED,NEEDED,AND LOVED.ONLY THE GOOD LORD KNOWS IN TIME IF YOU WILL GET HER BACK OR NOT.IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER AS YOU SAY,TAKE SOME OF YOUR MONEY AND SEND HER FLOWERS TO HER JOB,DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO KEEP HER!SHE NEEDS A MAN,NOT A BOY OR A MOMMAS BOY! | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:36:14 AM | | Falls: I know this really hurts and I am so sorry. "Just how she was" isn't an answer that satisfies. In a good, loving relationship of the Man and Woman type - physical feelings and "sexy love" do play a part. Without that passionate attraction, there is only the brother-sister or friend thing going on. Isn't love "a friendship" caught on fire? I think that perhaps the fire was never ignited here, or maybe blew out along the way... Sounds like you are a sensitive, good man and you have much to offer. I wish you luck and do think you should take a break, love yourself more and then slowly begin to start fishing again...... | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:51:46 AM | Your girlfriend is right, if you are meant to be together, the time apart will allow you two to see that you should. I long time ago I was shocked to find out that one of the ladies I worked with, who had a really good marriage with grown kids et al, had at one time divorced her husband.
They married young, fought a lot, had a cousin start divorce proceedings at least a half a dozen times. Each time, before it was final, they would make up and go on and again X number of months down the road, start the divorce all over again. Well, the cousin got sneaky and the last time they went through it he did not withdraw the case so when the b.s. started again, they were divorced within like a week.
They went their separate ways. Both had a couple of relationships, etc. and about 2-3 years later, they ran into each other and started talking again. They realized that they loved each other, that the grass wasn't greener somewhere else, and have now been married for over 30 years.
Saw your repost about the passion and one of the things you need to understand is that most women don't know their bodies until they are around thirty and it takes a great deal of trust to get to the point that women really enjoy sex the way they should. Might I suggest a book called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It is a great book for relationships but it is also really about getting to know yourself and being an individual and not NEEDING the other person. Probably also help you in getting through this, seeing things in your relationship and yourself.
As hard as it is, I think what you need to do is proceed as if this relationship is over. Focus on yourself and living your life. If she becomes a part of it again as a friend, welcome that but do not expect anything more. If you two should be together that will happen at some point but I think part of getting there will be assuming at least for the time being that it is NOT going to happen. It will be hard, it will hurt, but at this point you really don't have a choice. Do things differently and you will surely push her away for good. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:51:55 AM |
She gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line when she broke up with me.
The last time I heard this line, my now ex-wife was leaving me for someone else. The next time she used the word "love" to me, she said "what is it about 'I don't love you anymore' that you don't understand?".
Even if that is NOT the case with your ex-gf, you don't want a woman who is not in love with you. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:52:07 AM | ......... I love this girl very much, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work
well, on that count, I know how you feel. I did literally everything and anything I could to keep my relationship going, but it is never going to work if BOTH parties aren't willing to do the work. It also NEVER works when one party loves more than the other. I know this from personal experience.
She's expressed that she wants to be friends, that I'm such an important part of her life that she doesn't want to lose me completely............ Other than "catching up" a couple time we haven't talked about any of this in at least a month or so. She stressed that we need to take time apart, and give each other space to move on so that these feelings aren't raw anymore and then we can try to be friends.................She says she doesn't think we will get back together, but with her saying things like "if its meant to be, it'll happen" and hugging me and saying "i love you" as she leaves it's hard to move on.
Sure, she wants to be "friends" so she can basically have you in her little black book and come back crying to you if things don't work out after having "moved on". Dude, don't let her fool you. - She another guy lined up and waiting in the wings. It reeks of it.
My ex pulled this sh*t with me and he vehemently denied there was someone else. He lied about it then, and he STILL lies about it now.
She is also sending a LOT of mixed signals saying this line of if it's meant to be it will happen, and I love you etc.
What you need to ask yourself is this:
1. Are you willing to wait around for her? If so, how long?
2. If you DO get back together, are you willing to wonder when she will walk out the door again?
Anyways, I'm cutting all contact despite how tough this is going to be. If she wants to be friends, I'm making her be the one to contact me. At this point, should I even expect that there's still a chance for me to get her back? Or am I setting myself up the be hurt again?
Yes, it is very tough to cut all contact. Especially when you are really in love and really care about someone. I know I've been there and done that. - Try doing that after 14 years.
I guess my personal feeling is this: Once you walk out that door, don't bother coming back through it, because the door does NOT swing both ways. When you say you are through, then you are.
Yes, by leaving the door open for communicating, etc, you are setting yourself up to get hurt again, and badly. Worse than you are at this point. Do not be so available to her in returning phone calls/messages etc. Better yet, don't do it at all and change your cell phone number, block your email address, etc. Get out there, stay busy, take up your hobbies, develop new interests and make new friends. If need be, move to a different place. Get a change of scene. Trust me, in time the pain will fade. It will be a long process for you, but the sooner you start, the better off you will be.
You deserve to move on. She has.
You also deserve better. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:54:33 AM | marahnna, With all due respect, I did not say she was seeing someone else. Read my post again. I did say that I thought she had found someone else that she wasn't YET seeing. i.e. interested in someone new.
I think it means she met someone who brought to mind what it was like to be "in love" again. That, coupled with the needing time apart and needing to be independant pretty much sum it up for me.
I could be wrong, but seeing how this came out of left field and the relationship had all but fizzled out, leads me to believe otherwise. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:05:54 AM | In any relationship the parties involved are either growing together or growing apart. Sounds like you guys grew apart far enough to create a great chasm that is now impossible to cross or close.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to use this experience to learn from & become a stronger, wiser man. However things turn out in the end, what you learn now will be valuable for the rest of your life. Just please don't let it make you bitter or allow dead zones develop in your heart. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 11:28:10 AM | She said its not about being single, or meeting someone else, but she just couldn't be in this relationship anymore. Despite how I feel, I can understand this and respect her honesty...I could see us drifting apart, and we kinda just let it happen. We never really fought, which I thought was kinda abnormal after 2 years. There were problems with us communicating about what bothered us throughout the relationship, which makes sense that she let things just bottle up inside her and continue to bother her. I share the blame for this.
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Dude, I am totally word for word with you on this exact situation.
Yes, your lucky you two even had a couple chit chats at all in 6 weeks. So, since she didn't profusely apologize or beg for you back....CUT OFF ALL CONTACT for an indefinite period of time. If in a few weeks or month, she doesn't have an epiphany. you may contact her either for final closure...OR PLAN HER DREAMDATE so she can't say no.
You too need to do a personal spiritual inventory right now asap, to see what you might have done wrong or could do better. Use pencil and paper so you "don't forget" next time. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:09:52 PM |
I have asked her several times if this was the reason, and each time she has firmly said that this was not the reason.
Newsflash. People lie. Women do it, men do it. Most times they will delude themselves into lieing to you by convincing themselves they're doing it "for your own good", ie, they don't want to hurt you anymore than necessary to accomplish the task at hand. In your case, the task at hand was cutting you lose because someone who isn't you blows her skirt up more.
I'm with Aspiring Angel on this one, bro. There is someone else. The sooner you accept that sad fact, the sooner you will be able to move on.
I still stand by my original reply. Get drunk. Get laid. You'll feel better in the morning. If you can't bring yourself to get laid out of some misguided feeling that you would be "cheating" on her, then get drunk and download some midget porn.
There's just something about midgets that always puts a smile on my face. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:02:28 PM | I understand where your coming from...been there..done that.
She is in a metamorphisis period where she is growing and maturing.
Remain friends...email her on holidays and her birthday. You can grieve for the loss of a girlfriend and celebrate the gain of a long term.......friends forever.
You can grieve and let it go......best for two years then ten.. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:28:04 PM | Justanaverageguy I'm not picking on you because I know many people hold this belief, that if they are doing it for you it is because they have met or want to meet someone else, but it is not always the case.
My 1st husband was, at that time in his life, a fuk-up. He wound up losing jobs, or changing jobs, and kept our household in constant upheaval as a result. He also drove me crazy in a lot of other ways and this was his reason for ending things. The first thing that everyone asked either of us is who is he banging, and it would just crack us up.
We stayed friends and I knew all of his friends and I knew when he finally did start dating someone and it was more than six months, probably closer to a year, down the road, someone he worked with and had not previously known. Sometimes people are not ready for the relationship and if they have a slow learning curve, they don't figure it out until they are in it.
You have gotten some very good advice from several people. Do the soul searching and moving forward with your own life, don't sit around hoping but also don't close the door. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:54:18 PM |
Justanaverageguy I'm not picking on you because I know many people hold this belief, that if they are doing it for you it is because they have met or want to meet someone else, but it is not always the case.
I'm with you on this one. True, people do lie. But I don't see any real reason to think that there's definitely someone else involved. I've been on both sides of the coin, and on the occasions that I was the dump-er, I didn't break it off because I had someone else in mind. I broke it off because I knew I wasn't feeling about the guy the way I should, and I didn't think it was fair to either of us to continue the relationship any longer. It was months before I started seeing someone again. So while, yes, it's possible that she's either seeing someone else or going after someone else, I don't think it's definite.
It's really not the point, though. This is, for the purposes of this discussion, about you, OP, not her. You have no say in what she does anymore, so the less you think about it, the better off you'll be. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:56:55 PM | OP,
This is a big loss for you, and the grieving process will change you in ways you might not expect. However, if you stay honest with yourself you will change for the better.
Cutting all contact for as long as you need to is definitely the right thing to do. Don't let yourself get stuck in the denial or bargaining stages of grief. She's gone. It's over. You cannot get her back in your current condition, and if she comes back in hers you'll just have to go through this same heartbreak a second time.
So, let yourself feel the heartbreak. Part of the process includes feeling disoriented and somewhat crazy, but that passes--and it passes more quickly and easily when you choose to accept the fact that you have absolutely no control over her or her choice to leave you. All you really can do is accept it. Let the pain be just as bad as it is, but no worse, and soon you will get some insight.
When you see yourself in a new way, it will be worth the pain because you will be reborn. And, once you've gone through the change you will see her in a new light too. When you do, you'll be able to strike up a friendship with her again if that's what you want.
But don't fight the changes that are happening to you. Embrace them as best you can, and you'll come through this with a new lease on life and a much better instinct for the sort of woman who will be good for you for the long haul. | |
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| Need advice after breaking up
Posted: 6/8/2008 1:58:02 PM |
Justanaverageguy I'm not picking on you because I know many people hold this belief, that if they are doing it for you it is because they have met or want to meet someone else, but it is not always the case.
My 1st husband was, at that time in his life, a fuk-up. He wound up losing jobs, or changing jobs, and kept our household in constant upheaval as a result. He also drove me crazy in a lot of other ways and this was his reason for ending things. The first thing that everyone asked either of us is who is he banging, and it would just crack us up.
We stayed friends and I knew all of his friends and I knew when he finally did start dating someone and it was more than six months, probably closer to a year, down the road, someone he worked with and had not previously known. Sometimes people are not ready for the relationship and if they have a slow learning curve, they don't figure it out until they are in it.
You have gotten some very good advice from several people. Do the soul searching and moving forward with your own life, don't sit around hoping but also don't close the door.
Package, I absolutely agree with what you're saying, in the respect that it might not be that she's found herself interested in someone else. There is the outside chance that that is exactly the case. However (and this is just my opinion), if my years in law enforcement taught me anything at all, it was to read between the lines. Because that's a tremendous part of any cop's job. And what the OP has stated in his posts as having been said between him and the woman in question pretty much screams out (to me, at least) that she either started seeing someone else, or they drifted apart and she found herself wanting to see someone else, and isn't being honest with him about it because she "doesn't want to hurt him" any more than she already has.
So, I'm afraid I have to politely disagree with you.
And for the record, my first post still stands. Get drunk and get laid and/or download some midget porn. | |
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