Mizzi
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Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 1 | |
| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:05:26 PM | I met a guy on here a couple of months ago and we have really hit it off. He has been living apart from his wife and children for a year and a half and lives alone and is in the middle of a legal separation.
I totally appreciate that some people will ciriticize the fact that he is not legally divorced. She asked him to move out and told the relate counsellor she 'has absolutely no feelings for him anymore other than as a friend' They were in a financial mess and he worked long hours to clear the debts which contibuted to the breakdown of his marriage.
I totally appreciate that they have young children and he needs to be involved as much as any loving father would be. I find it hard that he spends so much time round there (at least 3 times a week) and feel that maybe he hasn't moved on as much as he says he has.
I really like him. I have two older children and am free to date now. I just dont know whether I am heading for heartache as he talks about his wife a lot and I feel he is still grieving for her and his 'breakdown of his family'. She hasn't met anyone yet.
He gives me no reason to doubt his feelings for me but there is still a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the time he spends round there. When I split with my ex we had had shared care of the children but it was him collecting them and dropping them off, not coming in to put them to bed, have dinner etc etc.
I am feeling very torn in two at the moment. I tried to end things with him the other night but he said it would be such a shame as he felt we 'clicked' straight away and get on so well and he feels I am very special. He acknowledges that he has a lot to go through but says he really wants to make this work with us.....
I am trying to be as honest as possible with him but the truth is I am in a quandry. Any ideas fellow fish???? Should I stay or should I go lol....
I have not met the children. Its early days and I totally appreciate this. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:14:17 PM | I appreciate your post 
Either way, if the only reason that you are leaving is that he is not yet legally divorced, I'd say you'd need to look at the reasons that he is not ? Is he waiting for the 1 year madndate to expire in order to claim a divorce on the ground that they have lived apart and separate for a year ?
Or is he not stating the reason ? If he's has no legal reason, I 'd say move on . He's still attached. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:18:28 PM | | I usually stay away from seperated or just divorced guys. I think they need to be by themselves alittle while to get used to their new lives. I don't want to be their rebound woman. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:21:51 PM |
I usually stay away from seperated or just divorced guys.
Why don't you date divorced guys?
Separated I understand. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:27:46 PM | I dunno gal. You say he's been separated for a year and a half. Why are they not divorced? After that much time I would think the desire to hold up appearances for the kids would have stopped.
Sounds to me like he and the wife have not yet fully moved on.
I would take a few steps back. Its up to you if you want to continue seeing him of course, but tell him what you are uncomfortable with and what you expect. That way he gets a chance to see things from your perspective.
Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who was separated. I don't think relationship hopping is good for anyone.
Divorced guys on the other hand, as long as they have spent some time between relationships... I wouldn't have a problem with that. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:35:50 PM | Mizzi: To be perfectly honest, if I'm reading your post correctly the issue really has nothing to do with his marital status but his behavior. He could and potentially would interact with his wife and kids the same way he does even if the legal status of the marriage was 'divorced' instead of 'separated'. 'Friends' ,to quote you quoting his wife, can sit down civilly and potentially work through differences to rebuild a more robust relationship.
To be perfectly honest, it almost sounds like their marriage still has a chance from the little that you've shared~ I know that's a hard thing to hear since you have a connection with him, but perhaps the reason you're asking us is because you suspect this yourself. Ask yourself this: If you weren't in the picture do you think he'd be more compelled to continue to work through their financial ruin and rebuild their relationship? You said that the financial issues contributed to their breakdown, but they still have friendship, which is a good basis to rebuild on... I don't know... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:42:31 PM | Mizzi, why would he be getting a "legal separation" and not a divorce? I've been in a similar situation and in retrospect believe that person was hoping to reconcile.
Your guy simply spends too much time over at the ex's. You're absolutely right to be questioning that. My advice to you is to move on. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:44:35 PM | | Leave the seperated guy to work out his issues. He is not ready, and you are not ready as well. Good for you in trying to set up boundaries and breaking it off. Remember this, you are tied to him and his children as he is able to be involved. So, if y0u are feeling jealous of his children, this will drive a wedge between him and you. Give him space. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:05:36 PM | Some very important issues indeed...
This person needs to finalizes his divorce before committing to other relationship. First and foremost.
Having any (you) conflict with his children and his personal involvement is more a issue then his depending divorce. Because of course this deals with your issue not his..
If (again about you) ever we feel “uncomfortable” around a person, our own mind and body is telling us something and it would be best to deal with that as soon as possible. It might be some form of a red flag that needs our fullest attention...
he felt we 'clicked' straight away and get on so well and he feels I am very special.
It's nice when we "click" with other people and get on well. But if you need time and It is clear he does (divorce) then you should be able to get as much time as you need. If you are indeed very special to him. He would agree with your desirer and give you what "personal space" you need that would benefit this relationship in the end. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:21:24 PM | | You are TOO GOOD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. When he talks about his wife, it is time for you to look at your watch, yawn with boredom, and announce that "it is getting late". You are giving him too much already. He is not ready to date. He is grieving the loss of a broken marriage. He is in shock. Do not mistake his "lack of feelings of love" for the state of shock, disbelief, and loneliness he now faces. He is lonely because he misses his wife and kids.... NOT YOU. Get a grip. You are ready for dating.... so find someone who is your equal... someone without any kids at home. You are only setting yourself up for failure. Your attraction for him will soon be short-lived by his depression and despair for the current situation.... UNLESS YOU ARE A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.... RUN FOR THE HILLS... AND FAST. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:05:12 PM | My life (yes, my life) of 7 years walked out at the end of October. My profile says seperated, just because the paperwork isn't done. The relationship with my wife is completely over, and there isn't a snowball's chance in h3|| of me getting back together with her, because I said so. I'm here because I want to, and not because I need to be. Just tired of not going anywhere because I don't wanna go alone. Simple as that.
Why would you alienate someone just because of an entry on a website? If you met me face to face, instead of here, I am the same person. You may not get around to asking my marital status until well into any relationship we may have. You wouldn't know to ask because the work I do keeps me from wearing jewelry on my hands. There isn't even a light band around my finger from where my ring covered...
This post isn't being made with any attitude. Just posing a few questions relating to a few answers I have seen in both threads.  | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:18:49 PM | | If you want a relationship then the guy needs to be free and clear. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:36:29 PM | It's unusual in this day and age for a guy to go for a legal separation - the main reason that even exists is for people whose religious beliefs forbid divorce. (my grandfather and grandmother were legally separated for like 30 years)
If he's "in the process" the whole thing immediately becomes suspect. Why not simply divorce? If it's not for religious reasons (in which case he couldn't really date you, either) then he's hoping to get back with his (not-quite) ex! That doesn't leave you in a good position, and certainly means that he's not available, and you will be setting yourself up for failure.
If you think it's worth keeping, set boundaries - You're number one in his life, and if he can't put the past behind him, then he's really not ready to move forward with you.
I don't see things turning out well between you... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:32:55 AM | | Some people that have the “need” to run into another relationship before the ink dries on their divorce paper may want to take some very important time in their life to consider what happen with the last relationship. This I believe is a golden opportunity to revaluate not only their ex but themselves as well. We as people learn from our mistakes. When we success in any endeavor we learn the lesson of success. But when we learn from our mistakes we will educate ourselves even more so.. If we “run” into another relationship without first trying to understand the “mistakes” made from that past relationship, logic dictates that we will make that same mistake again. One good question would be to ask oneself why would I want to start another relationship so quickly without first healing, understanding and coming to some conclusion on the why and what is concerning our past (short/long term) relationship... | |
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Mizzi
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Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:36:22 AM | | Definitely not jealous of his children. In my book children always come first. I simply question the amount of time he spends within the home with his wife/children. I can see where you are coming from but he is a good father and loves his children. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:02:28 AM | | Has he hired an attorney?/ If he hasnt, then he's prolly not too serious to throw in the towel..Once a guy spends some hard earned cash for an atty, the ball is rolling and there's no turning back.Ask him if he has a 'court-date'...thats another clue if he's serious about moving on altho, like some others have stated, you ARE his rebound girl and in most cases it wont work long term. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:35:50 PM | Dear OP, I want to give you my input as gently as possible. First and foremost you are having some big doubts about the situation. My rule is: trust your GUT INSTINCT!
Just because a guy is separated does not mean that he is truly emotionally available for a new relationship. Does he have feelings for you, yes, probably, but what exactly are those feelings? If he is still talking about the ex wife then he still has issues to deal with in that area. I heard Dr. Phil say today, that a person knows that they are truly ready for divorce when they can walk out and not longer be angry, bitter, hurt, accusatory, etc., etc., etc. Does not sound to me like he is at that point? What is important is how you feel and what you are going to do about it? The ball is in your court. Love has no guarantees. I have seen people in your situation work through this type of situation (difficult as it was) and others who gave up after what seemed like living hell with a person they thought loved them. | |
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1 life
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Joined: 10/17/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:26:19 PM | I agree that we should learn from our mistakes, re-evaluate ourselves and learn to correct it no matter what is our marital status. Get counsel if necessary but at 1 point - move ahead with life. I am separated for 1½ yrs. How do you deal when the ex refuses to go to mediations. Lawyers fees are not always reasonable. A person cannot wait for someone else to give me the okay to keep on living. Relationships are important. It is also important to know at what stage in the procedure the separated person is in. Honesty is the key.
When dating we have expectations in what we wish to feel. Is this expectation being met in this type of relationship? The answer dictates the action.
Naturally all details are not available. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:05:57 PM | A separated person is not single and has no right to engage in behavior that would indicate that they are free to establish a new relationship.
When you date someone that is separated you are dating someone that is married.
To me it is as simple as that.
Once a person is actually divorced, it takes (imho) about a year for them to process all the pain, anger and grief they have just come thorough. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:28:02 PM | I started dating when I was separated from the Ex. I was more than ready after so many years of his crap. There were no emotional ties at all and had not been for years.
18 months and he's 'working' on a legal separation? Honey in his heart he's still married. He does not want a divorce regardless of how he says his wife feels. As long as she is not dating and inviting him over she's overly involved still as well. Don't be a bit surprised if it works out between them. If she wanted a divorce she'd have one by now. Did you ever think those 'dinners' might be marriage counseling or Ex Sex??
We all mourn the loss of our little families but that does not mean the Ex comes to dinner and tucks in the kids. Give up. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:35:51 PM | OP - good thing you haven't met his children. Until you can overcome your doubts & fears (because they are there), it's best not to meet his kids. Kids are so vulenrable, especially after a separation or a divorce.
I'd put him on a friendship list at this point. He's got a boat load of unfinished business. It's like raw, stinky fish, and I'm not talking sushi here. He's got to work things out with the divorce; move on (go thru all of those feelings); and make sure his kids are somewhat adjusted. Bottom line - if you have doubts, don't go any further in the relationship. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:20:04 PM | He is still married......A lot of men will not file for a divorce because of financial reasons and also having to pay child support. There are too many fish out there that are single....he wants his cake and eat it too. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:37:16 PM | Been there, done that. She came back. I get to live for the rest of my life with knowing I was muddled in the middle of somebody else's screwed-up marriage.
"Almost divorced" is still married. It ain't over until the ink is dry on the divorce decree. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:40:29 PM | With 10s of millions of truely single men out there, why are YOU choosing to date a still married person??? Take ownership of the self destructive choices YOU are making.
BTW, it doesn't take 2 years to get a divorce, in case you are trying to be naaive there. | |
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