| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:43:34 PM | I've read a bunch of posts that encourage us to ASK our SO about...those things we WANT. I imagine guys may have a different list than gals, but how do you approach your SO when your relationship expecatations are not being met. How do you deal with this? Run? Confront? Ask? What things have worked, what's failed, and how do you balance the "kick 'em to the curb" mentality with the "let's stick with this and work through it together" or some other variation. Any good stories that WORKED, any that didn't?
Thanks. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:01:19 AM | I've got two from the last week! Last weekend I 'confronted' my SO (I was starting to feel like he was 'avoiding' me) unfortunately, it took quite a bit of 'liquid courage' to do so, and coincidentally, he had been 'pounding a few' with his buddies that afternoon. . . While things did not go horribly, in the future, I think I'd be better off if we were both a bit more sober ;-)
Basically, I asked if there was something bother him - he said no. I told him I got the distinct impression there was an issue (without going into it here) and what it was. He aired a few things that must have been bothering him (the next day he was all apologies and said he didn't mean any of it - but some of his points were valid, even if he probably wouldn't have been so blunt had he been sober). The day after our 'discussion' I was 'giving him space' - and he was afraid he'd really hurt my feelings and wasn't speaking to him - in actuality, and as I told him, I was just trying to 'process' the things he'd said. Over the course of the next week, we talked on several occassions - usually him bringing it up - and things have never been better! I feel like we really were able to discuss some things and both have moved toward making them better. I've never been so optomistic in a relationship before!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, my 20 yr old daughter confronted her fiancee this past weekend... it did not go as well. First, he refused to even respond or acknowledge her issue. Then he avoided her. Then he told her he didn't think he'd done anything wrong (without going into detail - he did). My advice to her was: 'If this man can see how hurt you are, and do nothing to even try to make you feel better, he is not the man for you!' Being her mother's daughter, she is 'trying to work it out', but I have serious misgivings at this point.
I am thankful that my SO is mature enough and secure enough to express himself - unfortunately I don't think my daughter would be interested in a 50 yr old man!! | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:05:04 AM | Charlie Chaplin age 54.. married Ona Oneil when she was 19.. they had 7 children... stanger things have happen...
but yea.. communications and willingness to communicate are essential... | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:25:13 AM | those things you want? relationship expectations with someone your already involved with?
seems to me, the time to have negotiated all that was before becoming significant with each other.
guess it would depend on exactly what the expecation was... being more loving... well, people have a style or personality your not going to change and sometimes asking someone to be more communicative or whatever isn't going to do any good because
if someone alread has you, why bother having to learn anything else now !
my advice is to do all your negotiations before making someone significant
as the number one reason people break up/ split up is unrealistic expecations
so are yours realistic or unrealistic?
I have no stories for you because I kicked em to the curb and found one who was already the way I liked them.
I think the only chance of making things work as a couple to work things out like that may be if they marry each other very young and grow together...
and very dependent on each other because of some social or economic pressure to be that way. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:54:31 AM | | If your relationship isn't living up to expectations, I think you need to look at whether you are hung up on some preconceived notion of what a relationship should be, rather than valuing the person in front of you and relating to who they are. If who they are is someone who is incompatible with how you are (for example, they have different core values or a radically different outlook on life and conflicting desires and ideals) then you're best off not trying to be in a relationship with someone you don't actually relate to all that well. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 9:23:03 AM | | to be honest, I take a look at the person. If they can change, then I'll mention it in passing. If they aren't able to change (ie, its who they are), then I will mention it if they ask...but otherwise, I'll enjoy what I do have, while I still have it. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:05:58 AM | Good questions yoodle -- made me really think. And I discovered that I don't have expectations of a relationship that it has to live up to. Except: I need to be happy in it. How that happens is different each time, and differs depending on the ways we match or don't. My first marriage was interesting, in that we were never in too much trubble till my best friend moved away. Then, suddenly, somehow he became responsible for the amount of "stroking" I needed. He couldn't do it, and I tried to fill in the *blanks* by starting other activities, friendships. The catch was, that while he wasn't threatened by my best friend when she was there, he was VERY threatened by the new peeps in my life. His being threatened manifested with these weird fights out of nowhere. They were never about the new friends/activities, but ALWAYS happened as soon as the friends had left, or I got back from an outside activity (concerts, poetry readings, museums). When I identified the problem for him, he got a choice: either fill in the blanks himself, or stop fussing at me. He could do neither, and I eventually left.
More recently, I was involved with a fella whom I loved dearly, but he had enormous issues around handling money. I recognized that there was no way it was ever going to be permanent (as in marriage) because there was no way on earth I'd dig myself into that hole with him. We talked about it, but for the life of him, he couldn't see that what he was doing was less than perfection. . . . I stayed till the end. We had two years in all, and lovely years they were, too. But I think next time I might bail sooner. . . .
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:18:33 AM | This type of conversation is probably best had before you really get into a relationship. I dated a guy that asked me what I wanted emotionally, financially, and sexually from a relationship because a therapist had told him these are three issues that are often at the heart of relationship difficulties. It allowed us to figure out early on that we were on the same page, the only problem was that he didn't really follow through in actions with what he thought he wanted.
While it may be difficult, honesty and biting the bullet relative to the fact that this type of conversation can end a relationship is probably the best way to go. Just tell him you care about him and want the relationship to work but these are the things I am looking for in a long-term relationship and I just don't think we are headed in that direction. Often people do things and do not realize their impact on others, or they don't do things.
I think too we can look at ourselves either before, during or after this type of conversation. I had a friend who continued to have conflict with a guy because I think they had different love languages so that book might be helpful to you in finding out that he does care but shows it in a different way than the one you are hard-wired with. I would also suggest a book called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch because it deals with really differentiating yourself to the point that you really "need" little from your partner. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:19:42 AM | If you need to ask this then this is the very reason you are having problems. You have to be able to communicate. You are asking strangers how to communicate?
Why do women always want to play games, read books, tell stories, or do all this manipulation instead of just communicating. I'm sure that all his needs aren't being met too.
Just say, I love you and I want to make our relationship better. I think we are in a rut. There are things that I would like for you to do to make me feel better about us and I'm sure there are things I can do better too. Lets talk about it and get a plan.
Not hard, to the point. So many couples marry and get together but its obvious; communication skills in most relationships are awful. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 11:21:28 AM | The modern way is to bail out and find someone else.
In less modern times people stuck at the relationship and made it work.
At the end of the day it is down to comuunication.
Sadly some people take criticism very badly.................. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:18:53 PM | | People tend to forget that no matter how you approach things like this that someone is going to feel hurt. Honesty is the best policy and it is best to part company if you feel there is no salvaging of the relationship. My advice is to think good and hard and communicate with one another! | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 2:57:40 PM | how do you approach your SO when your relationship expecatations are not being met.
Well, first it behooves one to examine expectations to be sure they are in line with the reality of the relationship and partner therein.
Beyond that, the choices are simple IF you want to exert some effort into the relationship:
1. Communication with your partner - ever mindful that a relationship is a partnership aka team and there is no "I" in team. Negotiate resolutions that you both can live with. Effective communication, which includes being open and receptive to new ideas as well as LISTENING.
2. Change your thinking. Rather than focus on all the ways your partner is not meeting your expectations, choose to focus instead on the ways your partner enriches the quality of your life.
3. Take personal responsibility for your own happiness. Your partner's purpose in life is not to keep you happy and comfy 24/7.
OR conversely:
4. Don't communicate - this is last nail in the coffin in a typical relationship. Leads to hidden resentments, etc.
5. Walk away - but more often than not, it's the easy out and the same issues in this relationship will carry into the next one and the next one and the next one...
Lastly - if the first item is not an option as your partner chooses not to communicate effectively with you, it may well be that you are not a good "fit" with each other. If you leave the relationship, do so for the right reasons and in the right way as you have to live with the consequences of your choices. As you may note, all but the first item are directly within your control and ownership.
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:03:42 PM | | Approach him with tact, and allow him his dignity. Instead of saying "you did this, or you didn't do that". Let him know that "I'm unhappy that you're not helping out with the chores, I really need your help". You do have to be direct when communicating with men, don't beat around the bush, don't expect him to read your mind. When you do talk to your S/O, make sure there are no distractions (kids, jobs, phones, TV, booze). | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:04:35 PM |
Charlie Chaplin age 54.. married Ona Oneil when she was 19..
kinda thought i'd gotten their years wrong.. married at age 56 and 17... and her name is Oona.. sorry for the misrepresenting info.. i was close though.. only got one email redirecting me... thanks... :)
still applies... stranger things have happen
http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php?/site/articles/oona_oneil_chaplin_biography_dedicated_wife_to_charlie_chaplin/ | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:08:50 PM | Well call me crazy  but I'd say something like....I'm having a problem with this or this isn't working for me, or how would you feel about, or is this bothering you....you know, I'd talk to him about it. There's always the dreaded, We Need To Talk, but I only use that because it's funny to see them clam up and have their hand on the door already.
If you are just honest all the time, the issues will come up as they happen and you can talk about them rationally. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:15:51 PM | | I usually ask first and talk to her about it and see how she feels on things. If she ignores me and gives me the silent treatment she's thrown to the curb right away. I have zero tolerance rule when it comes to BS mind games (silent treatment). | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:01:33 AM | I find it hard to reply to what 1/2 the people have said....many of these answers are worse than the drunken young guy whose heart is broken because the unemployed insecure mom is getting drunk every nite with a bad crowd....
Perhaps I am in a bad mood because my ex GF was a non communicator. Of course, looking at it from her side, maybe she didn't think I was worth the trouble, as she dumped me a few weeks ago.
What I am noticing here is 1/2 the people are putting the blame on the other person, like the guy who says ((If she ignores me and gives me the silent treatment she's thrown to the curb right away)) probably hasn't considered he has done something to hurt her. Or the gal who's friend moved away and "assumed" her BF would just pick up the slack..like changing a contract after it's signed.
one guy thinks (((no matter how you approach things like this that someone is going to feel hurt))) not necessarily..IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE. Communication doesnt just mean making sounds out your piehole. A couple recent posts have rightly stated that you need to talk with love if thats what you want in return.
and this (((for example, they have different core values or a radically different outlook on life and conflicting desires and ideals) )) Certainly true here if NOT COMMUNICATING is one of their/your 'outlooks'. Yes there are different love languages, not all people can pick and choose words wisely
Yes, we should 'negotiate' before getting serious..thats one reason I think my latest 'trick' is a good one: before you have sex with them, get to know everything about them, because after you start sleeping together, that's when people stop revealing themselves (in my most recent relationship)
and last but not least the quote of the nite (((Why do women always want to play games, read books, tell stories, or do all this manipulation ))). Never met a woman like that, so I can't say. Good luck fella, you must attract women who always want to play games and read books and be manipulative. You get what you pay for. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:10:23 AM | In the past...both parties would work out the differences...
In this day and age...most people toss the whole thing, and fast!
Making compromises translates into inconvenience...often resulting in bitter resentment of one, or the other...or both!
Welcome to the self-centered 21st Century! | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:20:47 AM | mthomjmark and carlisleman (posts 9 and 10): nice observations; I'm coming from a place that finds I'm already perplexed: I've given POSITIVE inputs for "us" but not getting awareness, gratitude, positive inputs from "him" (and there is more than one him)...I realize by mthomjmark's response that I cannot verbalize those words, and here is why: I'm getting input from "them"...that my beliefs and lifestyle are being attacked. When someone said Goddam (repeatedly)...and I HUMOR thier anger...it grieves me because I "hear" the attack of my faith. Another example, to refer to "them" as Nazis...when speaking to personal friends who are in a cultural group, that is all about singing and dancing, not cultural murderers.
So my point is this: when I stop and say: "What you are saying is really strong, and it hurts me." or "I want to spend an evening together doing XYZ" or "I need to talk...I need you to contribute"...THEY leave.
It seems I'm offending them by LIKING something...in the same fashion as WoobieTuesday had to give up her marriage, because her hubby was THREATENED by her interests. Hence the question. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:21:05 AM | | I agree with NYCDoctor. You will never find a perfect relationship, they all take work. If you love your partner then you will try to work out the kinks. Open communication and honest are the key. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 6:19:29 AM | Yoodle, msg 21 is more revealing than your original post. You're identifying a pattern of this happening between you and the people you date -- and perhaps other people in your life too.
There are two possibilities, as I see it, assuming that there is no common characteristic uniting all the people you are relating to.
One possibility is that you are not accepting that we can only relate to others up to a point and that your desire to relate deeply to them is meaning that you cross logical boundaries and try to relate at an inappropriate level, a level that you are too incompatible to sustain. I'm not religious but I understand your feeling of hurt when others fail to respect your beliefs. they will, time and time again -- whatever those beliefs are, if they are strong and dear to your heart. I'm vegan and I can't tell you how many people who seemed perfectly rational and reasonable will react to discovering that I don't eat meat by changing their behaviour in order to try to offend me or create an argument on the topic. Even those who do respect my belief but do not share it are people to whom I can only relate in limited ways. Different core values are extremely significant. You will not be able to be in harmony with someone if their core values and yours clash unless both of you are vastly considerate, and even then, there is going to be a distance and a lack of empathy because you see the world too differently. The cure for this is to relate to people at the level that is appropriate and take notice when you don't hit boundaries but connect at deeper and deeper levels. Look for those whose core values are in tune with yours. In your case, don't waste your time with those who don't share your passion for religion.
The other possibility is that when you communicate your expectations, wants and needs, the way in which you do this is making the other person feel threatened/defensive and there are two common responses to this: fight (say g-d-damn more often!!) or flight (fall off the planet). There are ways of communicating your feelings that are more constructive than others and I don't know how you go about it but one key element is taking responsibility for the feelings that you have. Rather than "It hurts me when you do X" in response to him having just done X; a better approach might be, at a completely different time, or after someone else has just done it: "I know this may sound daft to you but when people do X, it makes me feel hurt because ....". If he continues to do stuff that is easy to avoid, knowing how you feel, you can either say "rhubarb" 93 times and tell him it's payback when he says it's annoying, or you can skip the kiddie games and wave goodbye to another inconsiderate arse.
Some things you may be taking too seriously too. People who take themselves too seriously invite leg-pulling from others. Sometimes seeing the funny side is the best thing you can do. When they call your friends Nazis (tasteless joke as well as potentially hugely offensive to many people) come back with something equally ridiculous like "Oh yeah, that reminds me: they're making the human sacrifice next week and I've volunteered you -- you are free next Thursday evening, aren't you?". | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 6:45:00 AM | First, are your expectations not being met or are your needs not being met?
They are two very different things.
Realize that expectations are just premeditated resentments.. especially if the expectation is something you haven't shared with your partner and he agreed to.
As far as needs, it would depend on the need and odds are if they weren't being met we wouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. | |
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| if a relationship isn't living up to expectations
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:07:46 AM | Be open and honest about your expectations or ideals. If you cannot communicate those with someone, then perhaps they aren't the right person for you. The next step would be to give the other person time and space, to decide if my expectations are too much or not. Third, if there has been no improvement, I'd cut my losses and set him free.
People are people wherever you go, and everyone has expectations. Some people are going to want different things.
I don't have a "kick 'em to the curb" mentality and yes, I'd try to come to some sort of understanding. Without knowing exactly what the "thing" is, it's hard to say if it would be a deal breaker though. Some things, yes, I wouldn't wait around to try and work it out, but other small things, sure.
Things that didn't work: Being too demanding and selfish.
Things that worked: Talking about my feelings and compromising (but never compromising my ideals at the same time).
Like I said, it depends on the specific expectation. | |
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