| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:57:34 PM | | Last Friday I met a 50 yr. old divorced man through this site for coffee. We had a lengthy conversation, I liked him and looked forward to seeing him again. We then had 2 or 3 more telephone conversations over the weekend and agreed to get together on Monday. We met yesterday, I thought everything was fine, we liked each other but when he said, "If either one of us meets someone else, no problem," a red flag went up. Then he admitted he had only been divorced for 8 months and was still waiting for his wife to come home! Yes, she left him and had happily moved on (so he said) but he couldn't do the same. In the meantime, he was out meeting several other women like me who naturally thought a divorced man was available for dating but mentally he was still married. I'm disappointed, but unscathed. It was another lesson learned. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:02:45 PM | | Dont worry you arent alone that has happened to me several times. I wish these men would make up there mind what they truthly want time is a wasting. So good luck and you are worth more then that... | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:05:00 PM | This is one of the reasons why you cannot say that someone divorced six months or a year is ready, it varies by the individual and whether they were wanting to move on from day one and sifted through the emotional wreckage or chose to hold onto grief, anger, or other emotions that kept them from psychologically moving on.
Settings to deter contact from certain people and suppositions about one's state of mental health can only take you so far. Someone that has been separated a while because of selling a house or some other thing unrelated to emotional development might be a healthier dating bet than someone divorced two years. Can't figure it out without dipping a toe in and getting to know someone. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:23:59 PM | This is exactly the reason why marital status of 'separated' v. 'divorced' on POF is such a touchy topic...many stay married, as am I for the time being, for legal reasons (I am in the process of adopting my step-daughter), but even though I know for certain I am emotionally separated from my future ex-wife, by the simple fact I've checkmarked 'separated' on my profile, it is assumed that I could not possibly be ready for a new relationship. This rationale is as indefensible as assuming just because one's profile says 'divorced' THEY are ready for a new relationship. Of course it takes time to get to know a person, but I think when fishing some may rely too heavily on these categories and reject many potential matches.
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:28:51 PM | WHY ARE MEN SUCH PLAYERS Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
How many women have actually met up with a single man, who is free mentally and physically to date? Cos the more I read these forums, it appears that there are no single people here | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:37:21 PM |
but I think when fishing some may rely too heavily on these categories and reject many potential matches.
Well, then that would be THEIR problem,wouldn't it? If you aren't getting as many contacts here because of your "neither here nor there" marital status, maybe online dating isn't the best venue for you at this time.
Personally, I guess I'm kind of wondering why you are adopting the step daughter NOW? When the marriage is supposedly dead and over,barring the official pronouncement? I'm not saying that it's necessarily a BAD idea, just wondering why you want to break one bond with your "future ex" only to forge another,involving the heart of a child??
Cindy O | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:38:51 PM | I felt 'married' 5 years after my divorce. It felt wrong to date even though my ex was an ex from hell and I wanted nothing more than to be free of the 'bond' - nevertheless it was a major, drawn out transition for me.
6 months after isn't very long, especially if he had strong feelings for her. I think when you commit to a marriage for life it shuts down a part of your mind - when you come out of it you have to restructure your belief and emotional patterns at the unconscious level.
I often found myself wondering when the hell I was going to stop feeling that way. Just because he feels that way doesn't mean he doesn't want to escape it and move on.
I spent two years frightened to death she'd ask me to go back because the emotional bias was so strong.
I don't think I'll ever become that bonded to anyone ever again. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:49:18 PM | "Personally, I guess I'm kind of wondering why you are adopting the step daughter NOW? When the marriage is supposedly dead and over,barring the official pronouncement? I'm not saying that it's necessarily a BAD idea, just wondering why you want to break one bond with your "future ex" only to forge another,involving the heart of a child??"
I didn't want to break the bond with my ex necessarily, but since it was damaged and one of us (not me) decided it was not worth working on, the 'separation' is turning ultimately to 'divorce', and of course the thought is to adopt my 8 year old step-daughter, the bond between us established in utero long before my spouse agreed to marry me a mere 4 years ago. I never thought I'd have to adopt her, I never thought I'd be getting divorced... | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 2:55:01 PM |
the bond between us established in utero long before my spouse agreed to marry me a mere 4 years ago.
Are you saying that she is your biological child? If that is the case, I believe that you have certain parental rights that cannot be taken from you,regardless of whether you and the child's mother are or ever were married to one another.
Cindy O | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/10/2008 3:09:42 PM | | citizen 17 (Msg. 4) -- you have a very intriguing point of view. I have dated the divorced and found that some of them had been so 'damaged' by their ex-wives, they'd never be ready for a relationship even years/decades later. | |
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DazzyB
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Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 4:26:01 AM | You have to be SO careful with circumstances like this. Both males and females could be looking for a date when they haven't moved on. It all depends on the reason why they have to move on and who initiated the divorce etc. I've been devorced since March 2006 (initiated by me due to violence on her part and cheating) and since then my ex tried it back on with me. I started to come around to her with my feelings (yeah I know, what an idiot!!) then she went off and slept with a drunk!! Soory, the FINAL straw!!
Another thing u need to be careful of is rebound. Is that person so lonely that they will do anything to get company, or they will take the first person that comes along! It's best after a divorce just to forget relationships and concentrate on other areas of your life to rebuilt it and your confidence. A relationship will happen in it's own natural cause and timing if it's played this way.
Finally, imho be very careful that you don't act and look like their ex. Because they may be approaching you for that very reason. My current date is like chalk and cheese to my ex. She has qualities that I only dream of in a woman and my ex NEVER had the same qualities. She is also opposite in looks. Straight blonde hair instead of a curly brunette. A good secure career (A very caring nurse) as opposed to a 'self employed singer' (well, a busker now aparently LOL!).
Just look for the signals they give out. Those alone should ring alarm bells.
Happy hunting!! | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:42:13 PM | I have been married/divorced once before, but I think it's different for everyone. I loved my first wife, and I loved my second wife. While I was not ready for a relationship for many years after my first marriage ended, when I did meet someone I felt comfortable and compatible with it was not a rebound romance, rather, it strengthened and turned into my 2nd marriage. Unfortunately that marriage did not work out but I have not soured on the possibilities of meeting another someone special. Whether I would jump into a relationship with the intent of getting married I do not know, however, I do feel like I am in a good state of mind to be testing the waters by dating, so I sort of put myself out there by creating my POF profile.
cheers... | |
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DazzyB
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Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 14 | |
| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 2:49:02 PM |
Whether I would jump into a relationship with the intent of getting married I do not know
Hmm, how did you feel when you married a second time? Bet you were nervous! And how long was that relationship before you decided to get married? I only ask because the big 'M' makes me nervous. At one stage I even voweled never to marry again! In one way I feel the same, but I am sure that things change over time if the right person comes along.
Dazza.
Ps. Regarding my previous post - I actually mean't March 2006, not March 2007. Sorry guys, must've been a typo but I can't edit it! Happy fishing... | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:56:24 PM | Ah yes, when are people ready for a new intimate relationship? It's hard to answer that one as a lot depends on what the relationship was like and how long it went on. Getting over a relationship, especially a long one is a lot like getting over the death of a loved one. There is a grieving process to go through and this is almost always true even if the couple supposedly hated each other for a long time. It just works that way and it hurts, usually a lot.
Many times people will jump into new relationships before they have finished their grieving. These rebound relationships a usually short lived for that reason. I know for myself, it took me about 2 years to get over a previous relationship and that was without the "baggage" that many couples accumulate over the years. For instance we had no children, practically no common property and weren't even legally married, but still, we had lived together for nearly 10 years, so ...
You just have to play it by ear and take it slow. Don't expect too much too soon and be prepared for setbacks. Still, it can work out well if you can be patient. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:38:48 PM | | Well, it was about 2 years after my divorce when I met the woman who turned out to be my second wife, and we were 'together' for almost 4 years (as co-parents to her elder daughter and my soon-to-be adopted daughter) before marrying. We were wed for almost 4 yrs. more before separating Sep. 2007. The idea of getting married a 2nd time was not as absurd or as easy a decision as you might imagine, but I went in with a loving heart and open mind, and despite the marriage not working out I feel like I still have a ton of love and kindness to give as a person to the right person, and I know that person is out there somewhere... | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:54:00 PM | ^^^^ you don't need to explain that to anyone on here. But kudos to you for wanting to adopt and be a part of that childs life even knowing that the marriage is over.
I had a woman with 3 kids living with me one time. When she moved out I missed her, but man I missed those kids a lot more. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:10:37 PM | This is a really good question and I am disheartened that some people have jumped to the conclusion that the man described in the OP is a player.
Being divorced tells people about your legal relationship to another person.
It says nothing else.
And one's readiness to date after a marriage will be unique to that person. Unfortunatly, sometimes getting close to someone again, or even the mere thought of restarting another relationship, brings back unresolved issues and you have to plod through them.
I think it's great that this guy was able to articulate what his struggle was. Think of how many times your have been frustrated because you felt a connection was there but you had no idea why things didn't move forward. Or how many times do we read posts about someone who felt taken advantage of because things got really involved and then one person said...whoa....I'm not ready.
IMHO, call me crazy, but if you like the guy, spend time with him. Get to know him, just for the sake of getting to know him, but without an expectaion of securing a commitment, or establishing a serious relationship. And know that he is trying to find out what works for him, as a newly divorced man.
Good luck! | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:05:41 PM | | If someone had said to me they were "waiting" for the ex to come back..... I'd drop him fast and run away. I guess that's why 1st dates are a good way to feel each other out. You can kind of get a gut feeling and most of the time it's right. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:05:49 AM | it is all going to depend on everyone's personal situation and experience.
there can be no hard and fast rules here.
to me the big deal is this, who pulled the plug?
in my experience since divorce was thrust upon me suddenly and preceded by tons of secrecy it took me a good while to adjust to a new reality.
one lady narrowly told me since she has had bad experiences with men who went back she assumed i would do the same when my only interest was just a general friendship.
sheeesh..relax girl!!
not every divorced guy is after you,some of us do better than you can possibly imagine.
as far as being ready for a new relationship, i think any guy is going to have his eyes open the next time and definitly will now protect his new home front at all costs.
even if my ex were to say ..geez..i screwed up..take me back...
forget it.
you made the bed ..now you lie in it. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:32:48 AM | I agree - just because someone is legally divorced , single or even widowed doesn't mean that they are ready for a relationship. They might be ready for an initimate relationship while they save their emotional part for someone else. I don't know if these kinds of people are simply not self aware or selfish. Probably a bit of both because at the end of the day, they lack empathy and do not really care about the other person's feelings, only their own needs.
I think it's very important to ask questions early on before getting physically involved with someone because of all the walking wounded who refuse to deal with their crap.
Don't get me started on separated people. Been there, done that - never again. Figure out if you want to move forward with a new relationship or stay married to your spouse and be upfront about which when you meet someone new. A wife or husband is baggage when trying to date others, especially those interested in a LTR, IMO. | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:39:46 AM | ..........I thought everything was fine, we liked each other but when he said, "If either one of us meets someone else, no problem," a red flag went up. Then he admitted he had only been divorced for 8 months and was still waiting for his wife to come home!..............
Wow. I would say that he is on the prowl, rebounding and looking for one thing and one thing only.
You didn't mention how long he had been married, etc. but he needs to take some time to decompress from his former marriage, get used to being on his own, and think about what he wants to do with his life. Right now he is more than likely going through that promiscuous stage right after the divorce where he needs to prove he "still has it".
I have seen this many many times over and over in my former line of work, where people who were in long term committed relationships and/or marriage go through a period of serial dating, nonstop partying, barhopping, etc and bringing home strangers for the night, etc. I have also found the longer the relationship, the longer this period of promiscuity lasts. Basically, this guy you met is meeting multiple women out there for dating and a potential "relationship" leaving his options open until his wife decides to come home, if she even does, which doesn't seem very likely as they are now divorced - or so he says.
My advice to you: RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!! | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:01:04 AM | Divorce at it's best is like being drawn & quartered. Robin Williams described divorce for men as "having your gonads pulled out through your wallet."
Both sexes can be under the erroneous notion that finding someone else will be a magic cure. Only T & T..............time & THERAPY will help with the healing.
So, finding out how long they have been divorced b/f going out with them might be a good rule of thumb if you are ready for something serious. If you are casually dating, it really doesn't matter.
Good luck! | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:27:31 AM | as with everything its a very individual thing...there is no set timeline of when one will be ready or mentally able to release the past and begin anew.
i know i 'dated' immediately after divorce but had no interest or desire in another relationship. i wasn't wanting or waiting for the ex to return to my life, but i just needed time to do a 'relationship autopsy' and figure out what I truly wanted and desired. i am of the opinion its better to be with no man than to be with the wrong man.
now after being alone and growing mentally, spiritually, i am truly ready to accept a wonderful man into my life for more than just 'dating'. because i WANT to and not because i 'need' a man to make me complete.
as always, just my opinion | |
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| He's divorced, but is he ready for a new relationship?
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:36:11 AM | Not As King for the Moon,
You're a gem and one in a million. Not any of my dates ever allowed me to feel them out and vice versa on the first date. Those stupid selfish prudish uptight cross-legged frigid little bums. | |
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