| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 9:21:33 PM | Recently (May 17) two of my older children lost thier father, we haven't been together for 13 yrs and he was married to someone else for 11. The kids did spend one month almost every summer for last 10 yrs and also periodically during the year (holidays or if he was at this end of the country) we had a good relationship for most of those 13 yrs for the kids sake.... but the past 3 yrs were really not good at all.
Now my 15 yr old boy and 13 yr old girl have lost thier father and alot of things were left unmended emotionally for the kids. Over the past couple of years he said and did alot of hurtful things to both myself and kids or to me in front of the kids that the kids now have mixed feelings about .... they seem really confused about how to deal with his death. The problem is I'm not even sure how to deal with it myself... like I said we had a good talking relationship and up until a couple of years ago he was very helpful to me personally and to the kids (he paid my tuition for school back in 98 saying that my education was benificial to my kids so that is why he was helping) but then everything turned and he became hurtful and long story short there was a long custody battle that ended a year ago and even though i was being reasonable with access etc.... "reasonable access with reasonable notice and summers" he decided he didn't want any access at all ...... this also hurt the kids ALOT.
I think that is part of what is confusing the kids most is they don't know how he really felt about them..... i've tried to tell them he loved them but it's not the same if it's not coming from him and unfortunetly (sp? lol) he can't tell them now....
The best I've been able to do for them is just listen if and when they wanna talk and tell them that I believe he loved them and let them know that i'm still there for them and that I love them.
If anyone else has ever been in this situation please feel free to let me know how you managed to help your children....
Also if you can tell me signs to watch for , for things like depression etc... like how long till either the actual greiving starts or for how long it lasts when it does.....
thanks for listening :) may have sounded a bit like a rant but i'm not real good at writing my thoughts down clearly lol | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:06:01 PM | "If anyone else has ever been in this situation please feel free to let me know how you managed to help your children.... "
It's a little different I don't have ant children and will never but I lost my father 9 yrs ag0. He died of cancer.
the miserable feeling of losting him has been desperating me for the whole 9 yrs witnout pause. I can't stop thinking of and missing him even breaktime .In the beginning, I had planned suicide.
The ways of solving and managing it are
1.keep myself busy . Time is always occupied with writing ( for magzines) travelling
going hiking with pals ,st.
2.No reading my farther's album photos . I try to erase all the image of him as if he has
never exsited in my life although I know I am cheating myself to do so.
3.ask for help from RELIGION.
After all i am an adult compared to your children ,I am old enough.
They are too young to accept the loss of their dad.
I hope my ways are helpful to them.
Be strong !!!!! | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:06:12 PM | "If anyone else has ever been in this situation please feel free to let me know how you managed to help your children.... "
It's a little different I don't have ant children and will never but I lost my father 9 yrs ag0. He died of cancer.
the miserable feeling of losting him has been desperating me for the whole 9 yrs witnout pause. I can't stop thinking of and missing him even breaktime .In the beginning, I had planned suicide.
The ways of solving and managing it are
1.keep myself busy . Time is always occupied with writing ( for magzines) travelling
going hiking with pals ,st.
2.No reading my farther's album photos . I try to erase all the image of him as if he has
never exsited in my life although I know I am cheating myself to do so.
3.ask for help from RELIGION.
After all i am an adult compared to your children ,I am old enough.
They are too young to accept the loss of their dad.
I hope my ways are helpful to them.
Be strong !!!!! | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:06:47 PM | I'm sorry that you are at a tough spot as well as for your kids' loss. Perhaps you should seek counseling to let it all out, and maybe the counseling can open your kids about how they feel rather than keep it in.
I think for the most part, they feel shock and maybe anger, since he didn't treat them well and for you as well. that's going to put more of a guilt since they feel that way. Encourage them to let it out all out, maybe get something they can throw and tell them that it's ok to say what they want, either good or bad. and then say something to them about just because their father died mean their feelings good or bad die, but they can put to rest all these bad emotions and try to remember the good things and accept that some things were said out of anger. And don't letter these bad feelings cloud them through life. And to find true happiness in the future, past hurt feelings and memories need to be healed and let go. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:21:42 PM | thanks
I've asked for councelling however my oldest of the two says he doesn't want it and is refusing to go says he is fine with everything .... however what I'm seeing is that is a little more withdrawn than usual (used to play alot on puter or ps2 and hasn't touched it since the funeral), he also is pulling alot of rebelling stuff such at talking back, fighting with his siblings and just completely disrespecting me all of which is completely out of character for him...
my daughter is exactly the way she was before..... which is worrying me a bit.. she was a rock at his funeral....she won't talk about him, hasn't cried or anything she has shown no feelings about his death at all...... i'm really worried what's going to happen when and if it hits...
FYI people who voted this a pity...... it isn't for pity i'm trying to find people i can relate to for information not for pity ..... I don't want pity I want real information that comes from real people.....  | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:25:37 PM | I don't know if I can be of much help but we lost our father 3 years ago. My younger siblings just had to be reminded that before he got mean he loved us very much and the things he said in the few years prior to his death didn't come from 'our' dad they came from a man we didn't know.
He still loved us in his way but he was sick, and that is how his brain reacted to the illness taking over his body.
You don't say how he died - was it a disease? Cancer..an accident or a tragic death?
My father died in a tragic house fire...his house went up in 7 minutes flat and they found his remains still in his bed. We all have the unanswered questions of did he start the fire? Or was it just a fluke of nature?
We all went to grief counseling to understand that it was better this way as he was very mentally ill.
All you can do is assure your children that their father loved them very much and they need to remember the great times with dad...not just the ugly times.
As to the grieving it could have already started and could last up to a year or more. (Crappy for us, as dad died on Canada Day, so it's not a day that will ever just pass on by. Its a day that the whole country will remind us of every year. )
Get them some counseling, and give them extra love and attention. They will make it through it. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:27:35 PM | | some people when they are dealing with hurt feelings, will keep it to themselves so they dont show signs of weakness, I think that's an instinct all human have, they're licking their wounds. I would say allow him some leighway but pull the rope a little or he'll walk all over you and feel he can do it all the time, he may not like it but it may help ground him to what he has before his father's death. He's confused because he doesn't know how to react. Let him know he doesn't have to do a one on one counseling but he'll have to go when all of them go in together. He may not talk, but he'll listen, and he'll take it in. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:30:04 PM | I remember when my little brother lost his dad. He was about 14 at the time. His dad was no longer with our mom but he still saw him on a regular basis. On the outside he didn't look like he took it hard. Looked like he had it all together. But on the inside, almost 8yrs later we come to find out that he was hurting a whole lot worse then we could have ever imagined. He went through lots of anger issues.
He would have benefited from counseling back then. Someone should have made him go. Even if he didnt feel like it. It would have helped him alot growing up.
It's a tough thing a boy losing his father. Even if they're not close or the guy is mostly a deadbeat. It still does weird things to a kid.
Make him go to counseling. You're his mom. It's what's best for him. Don't let him brush you off. He needs it now whether he knows it or not.
Best wishes to you and your kids. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:30:08 PM | I have not experienced this either but, I wonder about his cause of death. My thinking is if it was something that he knew about and waited for; so to speak... perhaps his last behaviours could be attributed to him knowing that he was going to die.
He would have been going through his own grieving process and maybe his ill treatment was his anger or some other part of the grieving process missdirected. How is your (and your children's) relationship with his widow; after some time maybe she could help to shed a little light on the situation. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/10/2008 10:45:17 PM |
How is your (and your children's) relationship with his widow; after some time maybe she could help to shed a little light on the situation.
I haven't spoken to her in quite a few years.... and i wouldn't know what to say to her right now she is taking his death real hard and i fear that i may no longer be welcomed as i once was since i have no more connection to her.
I do talk to the kids grandmother (on fathers side) on a regular basis we have always had a great relationship ... in fact she has invited all 3 of my kids to the farm for the summer .... my oldest boy will be working so he will be gone the whole summer, and my daughter and even my youngest who doesn't share the same father will be going for a month.
I'm hoping that maybe if my older two spend time with his family then maybe it will help. and it may even help the grandparents with their feelings and healing etc.. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:29:47 AM | I did not lose my father but I did lose my grandmother who was more of a mother to me all my life then my own mother was (not saying I didnt have a relationship with my mom cause I did), it was stronger with my grandmother then my mother at that time.
And when she passed on I was 12 years old, I took it really hard, I did the counciling (sp) and I did the pycitrist (sp) and everything to help me through the anger and greef that I had of her passing on but nothing helped. I then asked around to other dr's ways to help me through it as the depression I went through was taking over my life. And one of my dr's told me to write her letter's of how I felt, let her know I was angry that she was gone, let her know how much I missed her, and also put in the quesiton's that were unanswered.
I thought he lost his mind, I mean how was this going to help me, but believe it or not it is what helped me most of the years of her being gone. When I would fee down about the loss of her, or get angry I would get out a pen and paper and write it all down. It made me feel better because I knew that it was just me that was going to see it, and it let me get everything off my chest about how I felt.
It took me almost 11 years to get over her death and do the greiving for her, no matter how much I tryed to push past it, it was always there. It took me to have my daughter to finaly let go and realize she was not coming back, and that was 10 years after she was gone.
My advice is if they will go to counsiling great, if not let them do their own counciling at home by writing a letter to their father of how they feel. No one else has to read it, they can burn it after or they can keep it (I kept all mine so that I can look back on them if need be to see the diffrence from start to finish) but at least they are getting their feelings out. Talking is not always the answer, I know with me the more I talked about it the more angry I got. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:45:12 AM | I feel for you. My husband passed away nearly 8 years ago. He was a loving step-father to my two boys and we all were devastated.
The best thing you can do for you children is just be there for them. Counselling would help, talk a lot about their father with them, encourage them to talk if and when they want.
And about the grieving process.........we all grieve in different ways, there is not right or wrong way and the time factor is different with everyone. There is no time limit.
My heart goes out to you and your children.
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:21:26 AM | OP - counseling. Definitely.
I know you say your oldest is refusing it, but you are the parent and when push comes to shove, he needs to do what YOU feel is in his best interest. He's at a difficult point in time (adolescence) and topping that off is the death of his father - his primary male role model.
You need to get him help before he goes into crisis.
At his age, if he goes into crisis, it will likely take the form of extreme anger and even violence - and he WON'T get the help he needs, because the courts will slap him into a juvenile facility or even an adult prison when that happens. Best case scenario for post crisis? A mental health hospital where treatment will consist of medication. It's not *bad*, but it would be better to prevent the crisis now then deal with the consequences later.
Get him help NOW.
If you have to "force" him to counseling, then do so. He might be resistant or refuse to talk the first few times, but eventually, a GOOD therapist will draw him out eventually (it might take some time, but it will happen).
Good luck. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:24:50 AM |
I haven't spoken to her in quite a few years.... and i wouldn't know what to say to her right now she is taking his death real hard and i fear that i may no longer be welcomed as i once was since i have no more connection to her.
BULLPUCKY. And I mean that in a nice way - you have children who connect you to her. Your kids visited your ex and his wife - I am sure she'd be glad for the contact to what remains of him - his children.
She's hurting - reach out, comfort her, offer her contact with the children. It will be therapeutic for ALL of you. She was their stepmom - his death doesn't change that. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:17:33 AM | Up until recently, I always wondered how I would fare when my father died. He's been battling melanoma and basil cell cancer for the past 6 years. We hadn't spoken since I was about 16...pretty much b/c I didn't do what he wanted me to do with my life. He was always a difficult man to please. Even though I was taking college courses in high school and making straight A's and was lined up to be either valedictorian or salutatorian of my graduating class....it was never good enough for him. I couldn't do ANYTHING right.
Luckily, after the birth of my daughter, my dad has really tried to start mending the fences. So, not knowing what course his melanoma will take and how long he has...I've started to feel like at least I will have some closure when he does pass. Up until now there were so many things left unsaid between us that previously my feelings were that I wouldn't even cared if he died. But, now that I'm older and he has had years to think about the way he treated me and we've started working through things...I know it will break my heart when he dies.
As for your kids....no one is the same. They may not grieve for him until 10 years from now. And if they do start greiving now...there is no telling how long it will last.
But, teenage depression...signs to look for:
1. Loss of interests in things (like, if one likes sports and all of a sudden they don't like sports any more).
2. Emotional out bursts (more often than not, angry ones)
3. Seeking a lot of solitude
4. Antisocial behavior (not wanting to hang out with friends)
5. Change in grades or performance
6. Changing groups of friends
7. Experimentation (sexual, drugs, cigarettes, drinking, etc.)
8. A major change in moods (happy one minute, angry or crying the next)
Now, that list is from my mom, who is a Director of Nursing at a male juvenile psychiatric facilty.
Maybe putting them in therapy will help. Make sure you spend extra quality time with them. LISTEN (which, you say you do...so just continue doing it). Be active in their lives (like taking an interest in their projects at school or making sure you get to events that they may participate in).
Good luck to you and them.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:19:28 AM | | hi bluerose, my husband died when my daughter was born 5 years ago. my dad died 15 months before him. even at her age, my daughter goes through a range of emotions and asks about her dad almost everyday . my youngest sister went through a tough time when my parents divorced and we (as kids/young adults) did everything we could to see our dad and make sure he had every oppurtunity to have a relationship with us. he was not the greatest dad. in the end, there is nothing else you can do. people get stuck on the past and on regrets and wishing for a different past. i think the important thing to instill in children going through something this difficult to grasp is that they are not at fault. they did not do anything wrong. you should not lie to a child either....they see through it. they (and you also in a way) are going through the 5 stages of grief/death. if you type that into a search you will have a lot to read. shock, anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance are the stages but in no particular order. you can be in one stage for weeks or go through the emotions of all 5 in one day. THERE IS NO NORMAL make sure your kids know that. there is lots on the internet and since kids don't like reading books anymore, you should get them to read on the internet. there is no set time for grief and every person is very different. you have to be sure to understand what they are displaying and show them parental control AND compassion. tell them no one knows how they feel, because everyone feels things differently.....but it's good that they feel. you have to look at this as a bit of an alternative road they are on now for their lives. they cannot return to the road they were on before. it's ok to feel sadness and anger and frustration over the past and their dad.....you all have to make sure it does not consume you. remember who is at the controls, it's each person's responsibility to figure it out and put things in perspective. don't get me wrong, as a mom you're heart will break for them over and over but that's part of the deal for you. hope this helps Silvana | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:44:02 PM | Hello Blueroze!
I would like to offer my condolences for your loss, and that of your children. It is never easy.
There are a few suggestions I will make. Speak of him kindly (sounds like you do). Tell them stories of their Dad which supports the notion that he did love them. This way you are providing them with the information that he does love them, without it coming from "Mom who has to say that because she's our Mom". Encourage them to talk about their feelings, positive or otherwise. Listen without trying to fix how they are feeling. Watch for CHANGES in their sleeping, interests (if they start to disengage), expressed feelings of worthlessness or guilt which affects their functionning, energy level, ability to concentrate, appetite, or any suicidal type remarks. If you have any concerns at all about their mental state, have them assessed by their family doctor. If you have imminent concerns about their safety, do not hesitate to bring them to the nearest ER department to be assessed for safety risk. There are help line #'s available which should be accessible to every child (in my opinion). Talk to them. Let them know that if they ever need to talk, or have thoughts of hurting themselves, that they can and should come to you. Also provide them with another trusted adult that they can talk to as it is sometimes difficult for teens to talk to their parents. You can also get the numbers of local counselling services in your area. You might also look into grief counselling for them, at least for assessment. Like I mentionned before, their family doctor would be an excellent resource for you.
You didn't say how he died? If it was due to some illness which can affect a persons mood or thinking, that would be important to use in explaining to the kids the change in his personality/character. Or was it the influence from another person? That would be most unfortunate for a man (or woman) to let another adult come in between their role and duty as a parent...not to mention their ability to show and provide the love to the child that they deserve. They don't need to know if the latter is the case. Somethings, kids don't need to know. It's not about lying to them or not being honest. It is about understanding their ability to process certain information, and the potential residual effects of certain info.
I hope some of this is helpful and I wish you all the best as you guide your children through this.
All the best! | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:03:49 PM |
You didn't say how he died?
I did a few posts after my original one
it was an accident .... totally unexpected... as far as i know he fell down the stairs... the how he fell i don't know .... they (his family/wife) doesn't want to talk about the how ... just that he is gone... they say it doesn't matter how
I guess maybe someday I may know but right now i don't ... so i can't even answer those questions .... even tho the kids have been speculating about what he may have been doing to cause the fall etc... but i can't confirm any of their speculations. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 4:39:49 PM | I agree with the other posters who said they should seek counseling. I know they don't want to go and that it's hard to talk to a stranger about something so intimate (especially for teenagers) but it will be very beneficial in the long run. I don't know where you live, but perhaps there are some support groups in the area for families and they can get to know other teens who have lost parents too?
I lost my husband to a car accident 9 years ago when my daughter was 5, it was hard for a young child to suddenly wake up and her dad not be there and to deal with the fact that he'll never be there again, but it's importnant to get as much info through to them as you possibly can. Your doing the right thing by listening and by telling them that thier dad loved them. If they are having a hard time believing that thier dad loved them, let them know what was going on in his life and why he may have acted the way he did, but that his love for them never changed.
In a way, I'm glad my daughter was so young when her dad died, there was alot to explain, but also alot she didn't understand and was therefore able to heal faster. As teenagers, your kids are going to carry this with them for a very long time... all you can do is keep doing what your doing, be there for them and if you see changes in them (depression, extreme anger, withdrawl, etc) get help for them right away.
I wish you and your kids all the best! | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:17:41 PM | | you say they are confused about their grieving because of a hurtful past few years with their father. You must let them know that despite their hurt from the past, that you realize they DO love their father, and it is ok to cry, and mourn and be sad. If they dont do it now, they WILL do it sometime or the other, in some way that may APPEAR to have nothing to do with grief. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:50:59 AM | My husband passed away very suddenly in October of '05 when our children were 8 and 10 years old (I was 33). I immediately arranged counselling for my children and myself. My oldest did not want to go and I didn't force him. But, after seeing his sister benefit from it, he decided after a couple of months that he wanted to go as well. My son is a quiet kid who never had an easy time discussing emotions but he went along for a session with his sister to ease into it and build a rapport with their counsellor. They both saw that counsellor for two years and she didn't just help them with grief counselling, but life-skills as well (my son was a bit of a follower and needed to build some self-confidence). They no longer see her on a professional basis, but she checks in on them about once a month and asks how they are doing. They know the door is always open if they need someone to talk to outside of our family.
Letting them talk to you, no matter how painful it is for you, is very important. Don't put your feelings, emotions, or thoughts on the conversation, let them take it where they need to go. Encourage them to write their father a letter, no matter what they have to say to him, it's okay, they need to say it - even if it's angry. They can burn the letter, bury it, tie it to a helium balloon - whatever they want to do with it is okay.
A very big issue for us was the sudden realism of life and death. If Dad died all of sudden, couldn't the same thing happen to Mom? That was a huge concern for my kids. They would be going through their day just fine and then in the middle of fourth period, have a sudden NEED to talk to me, to make sure that I was okay. I got a cellphone that only my children, their grandmother, their school, and their counsellor had the number for. And that phone was ALWAYS on no matter where I was, or what I was doing. I think the kids only ever phoned it once each in over two and a half years. But, it was KNOWING that I would be there for them if they needed me that made them feel more secure.
My kids are now 11 and 13 years old and are doing very well at this point (doesn't mean they always will be) but I have made it very clear to both of them that no matter what they are going through emotionally, acting out is not acceptable. If they are upset, angry, whatever - there are acceptable outlets for those emotions (talking to me, their grandmother, any of their uncles or aunts, seeing their counsellor, going for a bike ride, a walk, a drive, screaming into a pillow, etc.).
The resolution of their feelings over the past couple of years with their father, I can't help you with. My children were very lucky. Father's Day is coming up in a couple of days and when I asked the kids how they were doing with that, my son said "It is what it is." (a saying of mine that is true, "It is what it is - If you can't change it, you must accept it, deal with it and move on") and my daughter said that a lot of her friends' had fathers who were "just there" (the kind who come home from work and just sit in front of the tv but make no effort to spend time with or get to know their children?) My daughter said that she got more love and attention from her father in eight years then those kids will get in a lifetime. Pretty smart kid, huh?
In a lot of ways, your kids will always have insecurities because of the way your ex left things. In a lot of ways, I think the death of someone you love but don't necessarily like is far more painful - it's not just the loss of the person, it's the loss of the relationship that could have been. I feel for you and your kids and hope that I have at least given you some ideas. | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:18:34 PM | Hello,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex husband died in December of an overdose. Our children are 9 and 8 and they think he just died in his sleep of a heart attack.
I know that when they get a little older I will have to tell them what really happened and that is going to kill me. I just hope that their little hearts and minds can comprehend the bad news and understand the way their father treated them was not because he didnt love them but it was because of the drugs.
It is an awful feeling knowing that your children are going to grow up without a father in their lives. I dont have any plans on remarrying. I just dont want to go through that again. I keep up the hope of finding that one special person who will love us all for who we are and treat us all with respect.
I keep telling my children how much their father loved and charished them and how hard of a worker he was and what a big heart he had. I am always reminding them of the fun times they had together and hopefully that will help. I think that is really the only thing a mother can do. I did put a very nice picture of him in each of their rooms on their nightstands and we say prayers for their dad and visit the grave.
My kids have good days and bad. They worry that I am going to die in my sleep and it is hard some nights to get them to their beds. Most nights I let them cuddle with me in my bed until I know they are exhausted and them put them in their rooms.
I would like to continue to write to you if you would like to write back. My email address is kdoerfl2@zoominternet.net.
If I do not hear from you best of luck with yourself and children. Continue praying and God will take care of everything.
Sincerely | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:46:07 PM | Thank you for your post supermom :)
and sorry for your childrens loss as well .
I'm hoping that this summer that they will be spending with thier fathers family may help them a bit... they may believe what his family says about their dads feelings for the kids more than if it came from me ....
I'm also going to make a memory book of all the pictures i have of them and thier dad ... kind of a reminder of how happy they all were together and that he loved them. I'll also be including any stories (the good ones of course) to go with any of the pictures that have stories with them .....
It will also be something they can show thier children when they get older and they can share the stories of thier grandpa with thier kids.
the scrapbook (which will be also in cd format) was kind of the grandmothers idea. the cd format i'm also going to include home videos of them.
again thank you for the post :) | |
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| how to help children deal with death of a parent
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:00:39 AM | Blueroze, I too am sorry for your loss and that it happened with the relationship already in tatters. Continue to offer the counseling periodically and start googling, there is a great deal of information available on the Internet about the stages of grief that will help you shed light on what is going on. With two of the children you described, your son is angry and your daughter is probably still in denial, shut down so she does not have to deal with it.
I would also say that you should talk to the widow because she acted as a mother to your children during those visits and whether from divorce or death, those ties shouldn't be dissolved. My stepson will always be my stepson. I would just approach it with her honestly. Tell her that you do not want to contribute to her grief but the children are having difficulty dealing with their father's death as are you, and you wondered if she has any suggestions for things their father said, loving things despite the no-contact, etc. The only thing she can do is tell you she doesn't want to talk.
As for the kids, tell them what you honestly feel and more importantly, give them an opportunity to talk to you. If you let them know that you are confused about how you feel, they feel better about their own dilemma. Also recognize that if they were angry before he died, they could be feeling guilty about that and it does not make them a bad person just having a normal reaction to the situation. You don't have to have answers and even if you did, they will still go through these stages of grief. They will also do things differently and at their own pace. For some people, one or more stages are either drawn out or short. While we can facilitate moving through them it really cannot be controlled or done more expediently.
One of the hardest parts for them is that things were left so unresolved. This will probably be the hardest part for them to get past, that there will be no opportunity for mending fences. Even though he cannot respond, it might be helpful for you to give them permission to talk to their dad. Suggest journaling if any of your kids would do that type of thing. Trying to keep things as normal as possible is also helpful.
I lost my father 9 years ago, as an adult, and without any real loose ends from an emotional standpoint and it really took me months to get past it. Arm yourself with information and pay attention to what the kids are doing, time will do the rest. | |
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