| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:37:38 AM | Ok, true story.
I was cleaning a residence/dayhome and the owner came home with several kids under 4 in tow, very frustrated, yelling at the kids and stating she's obviously late getting the older 2 off to preschool. After feeding them a rushed lunch (I think they were all there for a matter of about 10 - 15 min) these kids are shuffled back out the door and the yelling/frustration didn't cease the entire time they were there.
Out of concern and now cleaning the 2nd floor I look out the window to see this woman/caregiver force a 2 year old into their carseat and push her own 4 year old daughter into the van. The girl (crying) turned to say something to her mother who then shoved her to the floor of the van on her stomach and pushed hard on her back holding her there for a short period of time. The girl got up screaming and hysterical now, had her hand on her back where she was hurt and tried to say something to the mother. The mother then smacked her so hard across the face that she was knocked back down into the van!!!
I was stunned!!! The girl was hit hard enough that I'm sure it left a mark and she was in no emotional state to be attending pre-school. With this being a dayhome and this abuse witnessed by the other children (all under 4 yrs) I knew I had to do something.
There was no way I could continue cleaning for this family. I packed my things, left the cheque on the counter and left.
I knew I had to report this. I clean for these families and I care about these kids. Two of these girls were headed to the preschool. I called the preschool with my concerns because they would be witness to the state of the girl when she arrived. Even though the mother had left with the intention of bringing the girls to the pre-school the director said they didn't arrive and there was no phone call explaining their absence. They were now 40 min late for preschool.
As I was leaving I saw the mother's van pull back up in front of the house. I called this woman and explained that I witnessed them leaving earlier and her treatment of these kids and I wouldn't be back to clean for her. I told her payment was still sitting on the counter.
After a huge silence she told me I didn't see her daughter hit her. She said if this is why I'm leaving then that's fine.
The 2nd 4 year old girl attending the preschool is the daughter of two other clients of mine, both her mother and father's houses. It was through their referral that I obtained this cleaning contract. I also obtained ANOTHER contract, the family of the 2 year old that was thrown into the seat. He was a front row witness to the abuse.
I felt as a mother, if these were MY children and this is how they're treated in a dayhome I would want to know! I called these other families and explained what happened, and that I felt they had a right to know.
Bottom line. I have lost all FOUR cleaning contracts!!!
Was this totally wrong of me? Should I have just shut up and let possible further abuses happen???
I'm not looking for sympathy here, I'm interested in what people think of this, and what they would do in the same situation. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:47:08 AM | u did the right thing mf (my friend)..  .. most ppl would just turn a blind eye 2 when someone is getting abused.. apparently these other parents have done just that.. such a shame!.. r these parents still sending these kids 2 this woman`s house?.. were there any other witnesses there?.. kids under the age of 12 aren`t 'concrete witnesses' as no judges will use them in a court room esp. 4 something such as this case.. did u call the police right after & social services?..
personally if i had witnessed that.. i woulda smacked the bytch first then ask questions after!.. u should also get her license #.. obviously she`s not fit 2 care 4 children.. esp. kids who r under the age of 4 & can`t defend themselves!.. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:50:21 AM | | They're fortunate it wasn't me or somebody like me that witnessed garbage like that. Woulda been far more unpleasant. I think your stance was completely justified if things went just as you described, and furthermore, I woulda contacted the authorities and documented the abuse also. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:54:22 AM | That's exactly why I left. Well that and sheer disgust.
I don't need my OWN assault charge in the mix!!!
I did confront her on the phone and said what she did was unacceptable. I told her not to deny it as I saw everything clearly.
No way I could safely be in the same vincinity as this woman. Of course I wouldn't have phoned other parents if I didn't personally KNOW these kids. But when you become aquainted with kids, it changes everything.
As for these people bringing their kids back there, I don't know. I know one family has been using her for 2 years.
This only happened yesterday.
This is a major income loss for me, but I still feel I did the right thing morally. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:02:57 AM | Of course I wouldn't have phoned other parents if I didn't personally KNOW these kids. But when you become aquainted with kids, it changes everything.
Good on ya for making an attempt to stop the BS, but it shouldn't matter if it's personal or not really. Kids can't defend themselves, and need more and more help in this world | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:16:54 AM | Well knowing the parents of these kids and having the phone numbers to report this to the parents, I felt I really had to.
If it were just a regular dayhome, no business connections I wouldn't have known the other kids, their parents or their phone numbers and there would have been less I could do about it.
It could have gone the other way... I could have said nothing... then one of the kids get (more) seriously injured at at later date, and I would THEN be the bad guy for NOT saying anything.
I hate these LOSE/LOSE situations!
And this is also the bad thing with referrals!!!! If you lose ONE client/customer... you risk losing the whole chain! | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:29:25 AM | CG, you did the only responsible thing.
Do unto others and all that.
Hopefully the other parents will never get proof that their caregiver is an abuser. (and what I mean by that is, I hope their children are never seriously injured)
Wish that I knew of a way to help you replace the 4 lost contracts. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:34:23 AM | I think most of us have experienced the overwhelming frustration at times in child rearing... Add to that a little adrenaline by being rushed, and you've got MANIAC MOM!
BUT...... As adults, it is up to us to control our fleeting thoughts and actions. Sometimes (and this happens to ALL parents) our emotions can get the best of us, and it's up to us to regain control and composure. Once you step back from the stress for a moment, and truly think about the circumstances, whatever it is you are late for can damn well wait. Upsetting the children in the meantime doesn't help the situation, instead increases the level of stress ... (though I'm sure we've all yelled or threatened our kids that we would leave regardless of whether they were still in their jammies or dressed, lol).
This woman however, crossed a line. She is in a position of trust with these people who have left their children in her care. Unfortunately, by losing the other contracts, that proves that the parents of the children have denied your story, and instead chose to believe her side of things. I can see this happening, as they have developed a bond with the caregiver, and likely felt that your story may have been embellished.
I know you personally CG, and know that the story you are telling is truth, and stated exactly as you witnessed. I hope that you follow the advice of the above posters, and call the dayhome agency she works for, or at least, Social Services. If anything, the scare alone of being reported may change her behaviour, and those services will direct her to other services that can help her deal with high stress circumstances. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:34:55 AM | Thanks guys
This was a private dayhome. I talked to her about this when I first met her and as far as I know she's not through any agency. We talked about the cost and licensing etc., she has found a way to circumvent this.
Social Services didn't answer the phone in a timely manner. I talked to the police, and the officer said he was familiar with this dayhome. He said unfortunately they get too many calls to investigate these kind of situations. He got back to me later and said it was being investigated, the mother said I have been driving around their neighborhood and spying on her and calling people to complain about her, the officer wanted to warn me that it's probably best to stay away from her property.
I hadn't been doing these things, I drove by ONCE when I was calling one of the other parents because there is no point picking up a child if she's no longer there, but that was all. I have no intention of going back.
I guess it's my word against theirs. But at least it's on record, I've done all I can do. If anything further happens there and is discovered there will be this history.
Unfortunately when you're dealing with such small children, these abuses are often not discovered but are expressed in other ways. Child being fearful of the dayhome, eating problems, delays in normal development, aggressive behaviour, clingy behaviour in toddlers etc.
Maybe this will be a wake up call and the mother will not take her frustrations out on the children. This family has major behaviour problems with their own children, and from what I sensed the last time I was in this home I somehow doubt things will change much (especially when there are no vocal witnesses), but it's out of my hands.
For me contracts come and go... usually not a the same time!!!! LOL
I will replace them. Honestly I don't know how comfortable I'd be cleaning for any of these families now that this has happened. I will miss the little ones though and hope they will be ok!
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:49:36 AM | For the most part you did the right thing. Speaking as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, the only thing you should not have done was to confront the woman at that time. I know, you're going to say that you had to do something and you are right. You did. But hear me out. After she left (before coming back) and after you had contacted the preschool, you should have contacted the police and child welfare. Even with here not showing up at the preschool with the kids the police and child welfare would have gone out to see her and the preschool. There is now documentation that the women did not show up at the school and there is no valid reason. The police and child welfare would also be able to see the stress of the children first hand and any marks that may still be present. Fresh evidence so to speak. She has not had any advanced warning that they might show up and therefore not had the time to fabricate any explanation. What explanation could she come up with to explain to the parents why the police and child welfare would be interviewing them because they would. They would want to know if the parents had noticed any unusual stress or behaviour change in the children. They would want to know if there were any unexplained injuries or any injuries ever to the children at any time that they had been in the care of this woman. With this having been done, the woman would not have been able to pass it off as a disgruntled employee to the other parents. It also serves to cause the parents to be more watchful and vigilant if they continue to use her.
You also have to consider the safety of the children. The mind of an abusive person is not the same as someone that couldn't be. They react differently. The woman is now embarrassed and humiliated (or feels that way). What does she do with those emotions. They turn to anger. She will then direct that anger towards the kids. In her mind, it's the kids' fault that she was embarrassed. It's them that will be on the receiving end and it's them that she will "make pay" for her embarrassment and humiliation. Most abusers are not rational. They "react". They do not look for alternatives. They strike out at what they perceive to be the problem. I know I haven't really explained this as well as I should. She may not have hurt them after you left. But what is to stop her in the future the next time she can't handle the stress or young children? It could have been an isolated incident or it could be something that has been ongoing.
I just wanted you to realize what usually happens when anyone confronts an abusive person and who ends up paying the price for it. It is far safer for the person being abused if the abuser is not given time to fabricate their version of justification. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:55:00 AM | You are absolutely right and I thought of this AFTER I made the phone call. I expected her to call my cellphone if I didn't call her since she saw me leaving her property. I should have NOT called her and NOT answered the phone if she called me.
You're right that was an error, and I should have known that.
She had time to collect herself and come up with a justifiable story and even talk to the kids about what had happened. It was a good deal of time after the incident before the parents showed up to pick up their kids.
She did admit to THEM that she was frustrated, stressed for time, that the kids were acting up and actually blamed ME for delaying her (which I didn't at all - she wasn't even home when I got there) she admitted to shoving her daughter in the van, but denied striking her at all. Apparently the kids all seemed ok when the other parents arrived, but they would be if a couple of hours had passed and this is what they've been used to the entire time they've been in her care. IF it was an isolated incident... the kids may have reacted differently. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:58:45 AM | | You couldn't really have known though could you. Most peoples gut tells them to rush in and help. I know when I was younger, and had not been exposed to any type of abuse, I would have done the same thing. But that's because we don't think like an abuser. We would never consider making someone else responsible for our actions. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:02:13 AM | ^^ I think you explained that VERY well  (re: Post #11)
This was a private dayhome.
Private dayhomes are perfectly legit, however that does not mean that the parent running the dayhome can behave in any other manner than a licensed child caregiver behaves. The rules still apply, and a private dayhome can run into far more problems than a licensed dayhome, being they do not have the "middle man" (agency) involvement with conflicts. Private dayhomes who are reported go straight to the police or Social Services.
I run a private dayhome. The mission statement about conduct, safety and security of children still applies. If it doesn't, she better prepare herself for some hard times ahead. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:06:13 AM | u done the right thing.... if it was my children being abused then id want to know. alot more people like u we need in this world. then maybe not as much abuse would go on.
i would of done the same thing x | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:19:04 AM | | The good thing is that everyone is now warned. The parents will now have a little bit of suspision. They will be more alert and watchful from now on. They will never completely trust her again. This is not a bad thing. If it happens again but there are no witnesses, she will have a harder time explaining it. Especially since the police have admitted that there have been complaints against that day home. (If I read your statement correctly). The parents will not be brushing it off after talking with the police because the police will contact them. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:21:40 AM | I'm not sure if the police will be contacting the other parents. I asked them if they want contact information and they said they didn't.
Probably because these parents weren't present and the children of course are too young to be "witnesses". | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:24:17 AM | the police will get the information they need from the woman in question if they feel they need 2 investigate the case..
oh & about these contracts u lost.. u`ll get them back.. i wouldn`t sweat it.. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:28:51 AM | I feel it's not going to go anywhere, Fox is probably right that the other parents are siding with the caregiver. I know personally there is no way I could.
I did what I know in my heart was right.
It's been documented.
I can only hope that this family's own kids and the kids in the dayhome are not more seriously injured by the frustrations of this mother.
It can happen in a blink of the eye. That would truly be a tragedy. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:31:58 AM | | Yes I agree. I think once the parents have had time to think about it, they would (or should) be grateful that someone cared about their kids enough to put them first. It may not happen right away but you may get the contracts back. Unless the parents end up feeling like complete fools. If that's the case, they wouldn't want to be reminded that they placed their trust in the wrong one. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:46:45 AM | Don't have time to read the whole thread (at work), I just quickly skimmed thru it, but this is absolutely appalling.
I think I saw you called the police? A follow up call to CARRT wouldn't hurt either. (Children at Risk Response Team. 297-2995), it is police/social worker teams who investigate calls. They are mandated to investigate ALL calls. The police alone wont really do much. You can make your complaint anonymous, though I suspect that they're going to know who called. They can't divulge any information on the caller, only the complaint.
I'm sorry that this **** caused you to lose those contracts, though one must wonder WTF the other parents are thinking as well? If anyone called me and told me my son was witness/involved in something liket this, I'd be the first person on the horn to the cops.
I absolutely feel you did the right thing CG, someone needs to look out for those kids, it's obvious their care giver wont, and the parents have their heads up their asses. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:55:30 AM | you did the right thing Cdn. I agree with # 11. Most people have cell phones. In another situation.. what is the possibility of videoing the abuse as it happens????
Just a thought...
Me.. I know I would think of videoing it after the fact ( slow brain lol) but maybe the idea will help someone in the future?
*hugs* Cdn | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:00:15 AM | I would have reacted the same way, and have done so in the past. I've walked off numerous jobs where adults abuse adults in the workplace. I've quit jobs for a lot less. I don't think I would have confronted her though, I would have called the authorities asap and let the police deal with it. She may have turned around and gone off on you.
I lived next door to a family, very young family with an infant. The infant cried continuously, day and night. Over time, I saw that the father was a drug dealer and they constantly had people banging on their doors night after night or waiting in the hallway for them to come home to seal their deals. Once, they had a whole gang of men sitting in the hallway smoking dope.
So each and every time the girl cried all night, I called the police. While I didn't see abuse happening, I could only imagine what state the apartment was in, and perhaps she was crying because her parents were passed out or otherwise neglecting her.
So yeah...I'd have done the exact same thing as you OP and I've walked off of jobs for a lot less than you. | |
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| Witnessing a child being abused - what would you do?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:18:51 AM | You did the right thing, CG... the parent's will now have a heads up, and will watch the caregiver, so hopefully what you did wasn't in vain.
Good for you.
I know someone whose child died as a result of injuries inflicted by her babysitter, and there were signs which were ignored. At least the parents KNOW now, even if they don't act immediately. | |
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fil79
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Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 25 | |
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