| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:43:33 AM | A friend of mine and I were talking about this a while back, and he suggested I post a thread about it - and I agreed, but then my life got nuts and I totally forgot.
Being a day over 40 (hello middle age) it came up in my thoughts again along with all the other stuff I am contemplating as I cross another decade.
When it comes to dating...which is better to know? What you want, or what you don't want?
As time goes on in your life, what do you find more useful to you in your social life and possible dating choices?
Also, are they mutually exclusive? Or is knowing what you want just knowing what you don't want from a different perspective?
Discuss. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:00:46 AM | I think you have to know what you don't want in order to figure out what you do.
Also, sometimes you don't know what you don't want till you try it. My list of "must have" and "must absolutely not have" changes after every relationship, sometimes pretty drastically. That's a bit of a moot point since the list goes out the window as soon as I like someone, but still... | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:08:54 AM | | I do agree that every experience in dating or relationship may change from "what I want" to "what I don't want" as the primary focus...and as we get older it gets more complicated or has more layers to it... | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:11:45 AM | A very interesting question...
And not an easy one to answer...
I wouldn't say that they are mutually exclusive... or inclusive for that matter...
It's definitely important to know both.
Nobody should ever have to settle for anything less than they want.
But then, do we always truly know just what it is we want?
How many of us have fallen for someone who just seemed to so different from our image of that "perfect mate"? Met someone who's interests and outlook were in contrast to our own... yet instead of pushing us apart... it just gave us all the more to connect over, as we enjoyed learning about the differences between us?
At the same time... nobody should ever deal with anything they don't want.
When there's traits to a person that just disgust you, or turn you off... well, why would you ever deal with such a person?
I know I would never accept being with someone who's a liar, or cheat... someone who's disrespectful or cruel... a person who has "a bad heart".
But then... something I DO look for, is someone with a "good heart"... so, in some ways, the two are connected. Because we often look for the opposite of what we don't want in people. We don't want someone who's disrespectful or rude... we want someone who will treat us (and others) right.
So some aspects of it are tied together.
Yet then there's other traits... usually the more minor ones... like hobbies, interests, faith... things that don't quite work in black and white... the shades of grey in between...
Some things are good, some are bad... and it's the mix of them that we examine in the person we're getting to know...
As we get older and more experienced... we add to our lists.
We slowly find more things that we like or admire about people... and will seek in a mate...
While at the same time, learning the things that we simply won't put up with...
It's an ever changing list...
And at the same time, not one we can ever fully understand...
As the person we fall in love with, will never truly be a "perfect" fit to what we seek... but, we will find that they are perfect for us nonetheless.
EDIT:
Thank you for the compliment. :)
I agree that it's a day by day process... you just have to take things one step at a time, and see how things go.
Some things are of course, just dealbreakers... when you find these traits in a person (like abusiveness, lying, etc)... it's just over.
But there are other traits which we would by reflex toss into the "don't want" category... yet, sometimes, these things can be overlooked... or worked through...
For me, one of the "don't wants" I have, is someone who's disrespectful to family. Who basically doesn't care about their family.
I've come across women who downright hated their parents... and at first, this would just seem like a dealbreaker to me... but, I learned that their situation wasn't without cause. They were mistreated or abused... their parents would make their lives miserable because they were an "accident"... or would devote all their love and attention to a sibling, and always tell the woman how worthless she was compared to them.
In situations like that... I can understand the animosity held there. And I've often found that to the rest of their family, they are highly respectful and caring.
And the same can happen with the things we want...
I mean, I want to find myself a nice gamer girl... because it would be a great hobby that we could share together.
But at the same time... I have the same concerns about those who take that hobby too far, and turn it into an addiction. I want to be with someone who I can share my interest in... who I can game with or against, and have a wonderful time.
Not someone who has lost themselves in the games, and will treat me like an afterthought.
So... as our lists grow... they also evolve... things we thought were clear... become less so as our experiences grow. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting a different perspective on things. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:19:53 AM | Adam, I can always count on you to have a well thought out interesting response. I agree with everything you said. It becomes a living breathing growing entity that changes as we change and based on what we experience. Maybe by the time we're ready to die we still haven't 100% figured it out...maybe no one ever really can finish the process...
I sort of try to take the initial attraction (not of what I usually prefer, but of who I am into in person), keep in mind any major dealbreakers, and then just navigate the dating process on a day to day basis. If something feels off or wrong, I look into it. If it feels right or like it's clicking, I continue to go with it.
The only time I use my head to make a choice is if one of these major dealbreakers comes into play where it's no longer about how I feel anymore, but just about my best interest. Those would be along the lines of drugs, married men, gambling, cheating (not with me so early on but a history of it), inconsistency, controlling behavior, etc... | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:57:42 AM | DJCHICKIE
As you point out I think it can be broken into Categories but I have three
Needs, Wants and desires.
The things I want and desire are flexible were as my needs are often very rigid.
And when I say needs IE I NEED someone who does not smoke...
I try and keep my needs category as small as possible, There really are not as many compatible people out there as a lot of people will try and convince you of (IE POF)
As for the rest I have decided to go with the flow and try anything how do you know you like or don't like anything until you try it at least once or twice to be sure.
Big Al | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:55:06 AM | I hear what you're saying Al...to me it's "want" as in I want you to be a non-smoker (or don't even consider yourself a possibility if you do smoke), but that's semantics, it means the same thing.
That whole thing about MANY MANY people not being compatible is the truth...I totally get that, and I find that in life you will run into many people that think two single people are a match just because they are single. It's WAY more complicated than that. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:10:03 AM | I think it's always easier to define the things you don't want, at least the very obvious ones.
I'm very careful about getting too detailed about want I do want since I've noticed in the past that these so-called "wants" get challenged or even overturned when I meet someone who I find very interesting or attractive in so many other ways. I think it's foolish to draw a line in the sand and say "no one may cross this line unless they possess quality ______."
Now, that doesn't mean it's totally wrong to list things you are looking for, but there is a danger of being too rigid and possibly eliminating someone who might otherwise be a great match. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:18:28 AM | ^^^^Good point, when I was asked what I want in a man, I really started my list with the things I don't want and from there those that I did.
I don't think either of them is helpful without the other. I went for a guy the polar opposite of my x when we split but then I discovered that in some ways they were the same, just seemed different so what I don't want didn't help me there.
Like anything else it is balance and unfortunately, you don't know until you encounter something that you don't want it so you can learn a hundred lessons and still find someone that fits all of your criteria you want, avoids all that you don't, and still has something that becomes a dealbreaker.
That's why dating, no matter how smart you get, is a gamble. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When ?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:21:22 AM | [quoteThose would be along the lines of , married men, gambling, cheating (not with me so early on but a history of it), inconsistency, controlling behavior, etc...
Bette
I pass! Good thing I'm boring!!
"Be careful what you wish for......"
Somehow that axiom screams out at me from your thread.
From my past experience, aiming down a narrow alley proves counter-productive,
avoiding what you DON'T want definitely wins the day.
Oh! Welcome to...'over the hill....' | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:21:57 AM | I left negativity behind with a set of divorce papers several years ago. I prefer to focus on what I DO want more than what I don't want.
Its all part of having a positive outlook. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:26:56 AM | Good question DJ...I might confuse it slightly..
I know what I don't want..I'm pretty straight and clear on that.
I can't say precisely what I do want..and never have been able to (and yeah..this is something that many posters on here say..that women don't know what they want).
So..for those who do think that way...
What I do know is what I 'prefer'.
So there are somethings I definitely would prefer in meeting someone but they aren't cut and dried at all..it all depends on pros and cons and how we actually get on.
An example would be..one that is quite apt right now..I would prefer my man to work the same hours pretty much that I do...but it's not actually an issue.
I used to think that I would prefer my man to live close by..but...again it's not that much of an issue and can be pretty good because you end up making plans for weekends and you get your own time during the week.
I either have 'don't wants' or 'prefers' but not usually a 'want' as I don't know til I've met him.
These are just a couple of examples.. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 11:46:53 AM | | is the matterof what do u want .you don't even want to think about what you don't want.what you don't want youdon't want period.you don't have to put y our mind on it.and your desire gets change in different ages ,what you wantin age 40's is different than when you wer 35.or will be 50.mostly in your age is mor settle and security and find a life time partner than sex.so in that case you have to focus on personality more than figure or looks ,mostly what kind of job he has and how old is he ,what kind of experience does he have etc........ | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:17:21 PM | Ok I'm still stuck on the opening sentence... 40??? 40??? Seriously??? Man oh man...you've done good, girl! :)
Anyway, we have "dealbreakers" but not "dealmakers". Hmmm...
Of course, a dealbreaker can be phrased as a deal maker:
I won't date an alcoholic... I will only date non-alcoholics. LOL
I think as kids we think in terms of what we want...but as we age, and experience different things, we are able to learn what we don't want - and recognize there's a whole world out there we've yet to experience.
It's very important as we mature, IMO, to recognize where we've gone wrong, what we don't like, where the mistakes were. That's part of learning. Part of life -and relationships.
Recognizing what brings us pleasure is also important, but to only focus on those one or 2 traits means we might miss out on the 3rd and 4th we didn't think of.
Just like I don't think our partner needs to be a carbon copy of us. Yes that's something I looked for back in my college days. But I've since made friends and met people who are not just like me - and discovered how much richer we make each others lives. When I met "my guy" he was concerned that we seemed so different (hobby wise). I wasn't as concerned because I recognized his core values matched mine (dedication to his children, strong work ethic, against infidelity, nurturing, loves animals, etc). That he has tattoos and I don't, well, I don't see that as all that important. He has a motorcycle and I don't...well, now he can give me rides! (ok, yeah, a little scary, but I tried it and it was fun). I paint pottery, he doesn't. But he enjoys the results of my efforts, so there ya go. LOL
Kaylie | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:26:41 PM | A sense of humour is the most important thing when dating. If you can't laugh with your date, or at your date, then at least be able to laugh at yourself.
Ketch | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:22:14 PM | born2balive:
I totally agree that you can put clearer and stricter boundaries on what you don't want, since you either maybe experienced it or know someone who has...whereas you can't be AS clear about what you want because there's so much you may not have run across yet and so cannot imagine.
packagedealx3:
True...sometimes we date one after the other focusing on one main thing from the last relationship that we're tired of or that we want to avoid, and in doing so we overlook a lot of other things that we don't want. I also agree that it's a balancing act between what we will not deal with, what we'll compromise on, and what we have yet to experience.
canoist:
I agree that if you start focusing too much on the negative, you will have terrible results, and either drive people away or attract the wrong crowd. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 1:23:13 PM |
Anyway, we have "dealbreakers" but not "dealmakers". Hmmm...
Assuming that you are looking for a LTR, one approach is to make a list of the things you can't stand and another list of the things you must have. Review your lists and make sure that you are being realistic.
Then, don't date anyone who has any of the "can't stand" traits and only date people that have the "must have" traits. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 2:54:20 PM | Nice to see you've started a thread of your own DJChickie (I'm still used to calling you UglyBetty, you'll have to message me with the reasoning behind the name change some day).
In dating I tend to like a person right away, from the moment I've looked at them and spoken with them. At that point if I've picked up a lady I already like her, I just don't know her  As things progress and we go out on dates, we get a chance to interact, learn about each other, and that will either make me continue to like her, or throw the kill switch.
In my case, I focus on what I DON'T want, as that list is a heck of a lot shorter and usually pretty immutable as far as my lifestyle and personality is concerned:
1) Ideally the lady was never an addict (having quit, while admirable, still doesn't negate the past need to addict oneself to something despite knowing it was bad for you, such as cigarettes and excessive alcohol consumption) 
2) Ideally the lady understands that fitness is a lifestyle, not just something you do to squeeze in for bikini season and then let loose once patio season is over 
3) Ideally the lady has a decent well-rounded education, such that I don't have to explain multi-syllable words to her (I've had the occasional date whom I actually had to write things out for...  )
4) She's not a professional victim: i.e. she can admit that she may have screwed up and/or made past decisions in her life, and it's not the media's fault for every bloody thing... 
and lastly
5) Ideally the lady has a sense of self-confidence, an open-mind, an open-heart 
If a lady has managed to dodge those basic deal-breakers, I like her already and look forward to the joyful process of discovery that is courtship and romance...   | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:38:07 PM | | Whichever way you choose, to specify what you want, or what you don't want, the key is to keep the list as short as possible, and to keep yourself open to possibilities and surprises. Love may not come in the package you expect. | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:46:41 PM | blueskies123:
I agree with you - I have a few musts and must nots, but most are preferences that I may or may not stick to depending on how much I get along with someone and where things go. True also that when what you prefer doesn't materialize it's usually joined with some other advantage you didn't think about.
queen el:
That's along the lines of what I was saying earlier that as you age what you want changes, but is it based on experience, or based on you yourself changing with age? Or both?
kayliecat:
Yes, the object of the game is to age as gracefully as possible. If I can be 70 and look/feel 55, then I can't ask for much else. Anywho...
I agree with you that the older you get, almost means the less you can really measure what's possible - the world becomes more vast as time goes on - and the old saying that goes something like when I was young I thought I knew everything but as I got older I realized more and more that I have no clue...
So I think it IS know what you don't want to repeat, know what you do want to find again, and stay open for all you didn't know existed.
tigerwoods0924:
You must have missed some of my past threads...both under this name and the old one....
What do you mean by once you've "picked up" a lady? Just curious.
I agree that you have to have some sort of plan in action whether seeking or just going with the flow, and it sounds like you got your ducks all in a row. Awesome! | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:59:24 PM |
When it comes to dating...which is better to know? What you want, or what you don't want?
I think your past dating experiences have provided knowledge of both areas. However, treating each new prospect as an individual, you also come to realize that there's a whole lot, good, bad or otherwise, that you have not yet encountered.
Yet then there's other traits... usually the more minor ones... like hobbies, interests, faith... things that don't quite work in black and white... the shades of grey in between...
Some things are good, some are bad... and it's the mix of them that we examine in the person we're getting to know...
I call those "quirks." Frankly, you're never going to find someone who's a 100% prototype of your ideal. They'll have a unique personality and habits with quirks, some you think are cute and others that try your nerves slightly but you overlook because you otherwise like the person.
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:53:18 AM | Like the Supreme Court Justice said"I know it whenI see it"
I was GM-so no salary -at a boatyard.
People,aside from booze,did a pleasure-drug(pot,mabye) and the perfect signature of our yard: perfect work kept up.
I'm not gonna test a guy who smoked his head off and w/skillsaw described a perfect circle-now an arch graced their kitchen.
We can do our best work when we don't want to.
Point is...perhaps he self-medicates-See an MD and tell Dr.the truth.
A date is you and some guy trying to prove you'all are perfect,just for another.
I couldn't prove any material suggestion we'd w2ork-not us-the lady here! | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:00:52 AM | Easy answer.
You always establish what you "don't" like. Once that's done you have an infinite amount of things left
that you either like or are indifferent to. Focusing on what you like narrows your focus and ignores the
things in life that you are unconscious to but may indeed like. You will probably have a vast numeric
advantage in the things you like versus the things you don't like. Defining your deal breakers is clearing the
pathway of mines or potholes.
O | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:20:13 AM | I think people tend to fall into the "trade up" syndrom, where once they achieve success in dating at one level, they try and go up to the next, and are never satisfied.
One thing my military experience taught me was to just go with a "go, no-go" way to deal with relationships. Define your dealbreakers, then go from there. If you are enjoying someones company, that is a "go". Any time you struggle to find a reason to continue the relationship, its time to be honest with your opposite and then move on.
So, to answer your question: I would rather define what I dont want, and dont sweat the rest. When was the last time someone ACTUALLY knew what they really wanted? | |
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| Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:58:48 AM | I don't know which is better because I think it's very important to know BOTH. I have always sort of known "what I want," but it takes getting older and wiser to learn what you DON'T want, because I think you learn what you "don't want" from experience.
I now think I know what I want, and I know a lot of what I don't want. You usually have to learn what you "don't" want the hard way, unfortunately. | |
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