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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:05:49 PM | I'm just throwing this out there because I'm curious...
We all know that the "kids come first". This implies of course that the whomever the single parent is dating, comes second. So how do the single parents feel about being non-exclusive relationships where they come 2nd to someone else, or maybe share a partner between multiple single parents? Neither partner in the relationship would be [exclusively] #1 to the other. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:13:16 PM | | I think if a parent is dating another single parent, it would be fair that both sides are understanding and realize that their kids are their first priority, yet I also would think that they'll work it out so that both will get some attention if any when the kids are around. I would think that when the kids are busy with an activy or sleeping, that could be time for quality time for the couple. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:39:33 PM | | If the other person allowed his kids to monopolize his time when it was unnecessary and made no room for me in his life, no I am not willing to do that but reasonable logistics issues yes, the kids do come first some of the time, something I understand because it happens to me. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:14:06 PM | I will, on occasion, come second...to the man's children, to his job, and to his other family members and responsibilties....and I expect that same graciousness and flexibility...HOWEVER, if I feel that I am coming LAST...and this is on a consistent basis, then we need to talk, and if it doesn't improve, I need to walk.
Also, as a single mother, who was raised by a single mother...I think there comes a time when the relationship between the man and woman should take priority, provided it is not at the expense of the children. Because ultimately, your children grow up, move on, and have their own lives and families, and what better way to teach them than to show them the workings of a healthy, nurturing, relationship? That point is well into the relationship, though, and not when things are (or should still be) still only casual.
My kids aren't casual toys , to be tossed aside on a whim-they are important responsibilities, and should be placed well above my having a nightcap after a first, (or even a fourth or seventh!) date. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:22:36 PM | I guess it depends. And this is just how I see it and understand and my opinion on it.
kids come first, yes, but not always. This is my reasoning. In relationships, everyone knows that in order for it to work both must work on it to make the relationship grow into something maybe long term. So it is important. Now add kids to this circumstance. Which ever person has the kids their life will have to balance the best interest of the kids and the relationship they want. Now I think this also all depends on the age of the child. Of course younger children, you need to be careful.
This is the way I will always do it (tends to work better for those families that have the mom, dad, and kids together, but can work in a single parent type of family). Everyone and everything would and will come first before me. HOWEVER, if my lack of happiness is making my life miserable and so on and so forth, and if being with someone makes me feel happy (don't get me wrong, my boys, I love them to death, but really, if everything is taken care of for them, what about me? So in this case, yes I come first and will make the person I date important too and numbe 1. And again, if my kids need something, they will then return back to top priority.
Do ya kinda understand? Like, the kids won't always be first 24/7, however whoever you are with should know that there will be times that he/she will come second and your child/ren first. But there can be times where your partner is first and other priorities afterwards.
Then again, I guess it is based on frame of mine. My life is everyone comes first including my boyfriend and kids, I just don't say "okay, Boys are 1, boyfriend comes 2, and my parents come 3, etc" My boyfriend and boys are both first, but if something serious came up with my boys, they take top priority
Sorry if this was so long, I wanted to explain it in a way that I guess needed lots of words. LOL | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:48:58 PM |
If the other person allowed his kids to monopolize his time when it was unnecessary and made no room for me in his life, no I am not willing to do that but reasonable logistics issues yes, the kids do come first some of the time, something I understand because it happens to me.
Packagedealx3 has it right. I do not believe in the statement that "children come first". If you are a parent and a partner in a relationship, you set your boundaries for both relationships. If you don't, everyone will walk all over you.
There is enough of you for both relationships, if you know how to balance. Your children need you to a certain extent, but they do not need you 24/7. You have to allow them to do things for themselves, and learn by mistake. If they go down the slide head first and hit their head, they usually are smart enough not to go down head first again.
It is all about balance. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:01:14 PM | | I am not a single parent but I agree it is about balance if the oartner comes 2nd or 3rd all of the time then it will be a very bad situation which will not work out...the key is balance. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:19:17 PM | | I have to agree with Johne .....Balance is what it's all about ....there will be times when yes without question the kids do come first...But even the kids have to understand that mommy/daddy need their time too....Or they will think they rule the roost and will always be able to get their parent to drop whatever for them at all times.....It's all about limits and understanding from all parties....The kids must eventually understand that mom or dad will have somebody new but that doesn't mean they will get left behind. Just like the new SO needs to have understanding and patience ..... | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:27:59 PM | | Not sure what this “balancing” is all about. Other then the fact you balance time with your partner and then so with your children? What I do know about a balancing act is sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and the performer falls... | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:44:16 PM | The saying "kids come first" bothers me. What does it mean anyway?
Of course the kids need to be taken care of appropriately, but the parent also needs a life. It doesn't benefit the kids to be catered to.
I had a relationship with a single father of 2 who IMO was way too permissive - his kids had no manners, no bedtimes, no chores or even basic responsibilities such as hanging up their jackets, got snacks whenever they wanted, etc. When I was dating him he seemed to think I enjoyed having his kids crawl all over me until I had to leave to go home to bed. I gritted my teeth through it but I hated it. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:23:18 PM | this is what it means to me...Though that phrase rubs me the wrong way because so many assumptions are made from it, and never use it myself.
If my child is very ill, I will be rescheduling our date.
If my child has a performance, Open house, etc. at school and I had a date scheduled for the same night, then the date will get rescheduled.
If it is my weekend with my child, and we have reached the point where introductions have been made, and you want to hang with us, then we are more than likely going to be doing something child friendly.
I think those are pretty realistic expecations in terms of kids and if someone with kids that I was dating put me before those things I described above, I would not want to continue dating them. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:21:51 AM |
If my child is very ill, I will be rescheduling our date.
If my child has a performance, Open house, etc. at school and I had a date scheduled for the same night, then the date will get rescheduled.
If it is my weekend with my child, and we have reached the point where introductions have been made, and you want to hang with us, then we are more than likely going to be doing something child friendly.
Thats pretty much how I see it too.
I would much rather date a single dad and if he didnt put his child/ren first for examples like the above, then I wouldnt want to be dating him. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:49:26 AM | Singleperson, the balancing comes in when people allow the children to run their lives. I dated a guy whose 16-year-old son asked his father to take him to buy shoes on Sunday. This discussion happened on Friday I think, allowing him three other days to take his son shopping for the shoes before he needed them. He cancelled going to a basketball game with me and my kids to accomodate his son merely because he did not want to tell him I have plans I need to do it another day.
In other cases, children don't want to share mom or dad so they manufacture reasons for mom or dad to stay at home or whatever. Mine acted goofy the first time I dated someone and I had to figure out when to cut a date short or something and when to tell the kids listen, you don't sit there and worry about my mental health when you are out skateboarding or sleeping over at your friend's houses, mommy has friends too and I am going to go have a good time with my friends.
The flipside again is if I dated someone who didn't understand that I need to be here in the evenings during the week when the kids are in school to make sure they have eaten, done homework, bathed and get into bed on time, or that I won't be seeing them unless they want to come along to the football game or choir concert I don't suspect he would stick around for very long and that would be his loss. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 5:23:37 AM | See, but that's not putting the kids first, that's being so worried about being your kids friend that you forget you're their parent. Big difference.
Most people when they say their kids come first, generally mean that their kids needs come first, not that their wants will always come first. Frankly, too many parents nowadays try to give their kids everything they want and they end up spoiled out of their minds. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:30:26 AM | Maybe we should put it another way instead of (kids come first).
Like some other posters have said, If my kids are sick, or a function at the school and things of the such arrise then yes the kids are first. But If it is just , mommy or daddy i wanted you to stay here with me and play something tonight orjust the natural wanting of a child to be around their parents, then yes you can go ahead and do what you were going to do.
Call it keeping you ducks in line if you will. Somethings are important and take priority above others. It doesn't matter if it is a work, home or in a relationship you still have things that are more important.
Just for example, your at work and the school calls and says your kid has fallen and broken their arm. Are you gonna stay at work untill time to get off or are you gonna go take your kid to eh ER?
But, Then again your school calls and says your kids had come to the office with a belly ache, and the school nurse has check them and there is no temperture, no vomiting but they just wanted to let you know.
Now we all got to have our jobs or we don't eat, lose our cars houses and anything else we are paying for. But in the first case I am going to get my kid and work has took 2nd place behind my child.
But in the 2nd case I will stay at work and ask the school to let them stay and to call me if it gets to the point they needs to come home or see a doctor.
Common since goes along way with raising a child and also in a relationship. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:33:00 AM | It's a fine line. As others mentioned, there are many ways and times in which kids are the priority and they must have the number one spot. Beyond their needs and the time you need to spend with them comes a place in which a parent needs to freely live their own lives. When a child uses manipulation and guilt to limit and control their parents lives, it's time for an adjustment. Children have no place dictating their parents lives.
If you wanna have someone special in your life, you'll have to scoot over and make a lil room for them, and their life, too. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:08:48 AM | If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Sure, 100% when it's in the child's BEST interest...Being spoiled or a controller/manipulator is NOT in the child's best interest..
My child always comes first when they NEED to come first.
Remember a child is only a child for a little while..and your child is a part of you .
IMHO... I think that MOST people who say..."My child/ren come first" , make the statement to let others know that they serious about their parental responsiblity. Especially on a dating site, for I don't hear this term thrown around in the real world much...
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:43:19 AM | If my child is very ill, I will be rescheduling our date.
If my child has a performance, Open house, etc. at school and I had a date scheduled for the same night, then the date will get rescheduled.
If it is my weekend with my child, and we have reached the point where introductions have been made, and you want to hang with us, then we are more than likely going to be doing something child friendly.
I think those are pretty realistic expecations in terms of kids and if someone with kids that I was dating put me before those things I described above, I would not want to continue dating them.
Whewww!!!!!! Dating Single Parents is Complicated and Tiring! Good Luck! | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:01:00 PM | Interesting discussion. It sounds like the actual meaning of "kids come first" doesn't mean what it sounds like (or what I thought it meant). I think the way it's used in profiles, it sounds like a very strong statement of preference of what someone would rather be doing, rather than what's been expressed here, which is an acknowledgment of having some responsibility. In that sense a LOT of stuff reasonably "comes first" - if your dog gets hit by a car 10 mins before a date, and you cancel to take it to the vet, that's really not unreasonable. These things don't make your date a second string option, it's just that something urgent came up. I can see that the original question is meaningless in this situation.
If my child has a performance, Open house, etc. at school and I had a date scheduled for the same night, then the date will get rescheduled.
If it is my weekend with my child, and we have reached the point where introductions have been made, and you want to hang with us, then we are more than likely going to be doing something child friendly.
These two items seem to be more in line with my original interpretation of "kids come first" though. Ignoring why two things got scheduled at the same time to begin with, these things do make your kid the #1 option of what you'll be doing, and the romantic interest the #2 option. For people who feel this way, would it be upsetting if your romantic interest, who we'll assume has no kids, has someone else as a #1 romantic interest, and put you as a #2 choice? (If the romantic interest DOES have kids, then the relationship is symmetric, and there's no interesting question here...) | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:30:40 PM | My primary responsibility is to be the best mother I can be to my daughter at all times, and someday that may mean putting her wants second to my relationship w/my SO, if it's a long-term one that's headed for permanence. But that's way down the road, and until that day my daughter's needs will come first.
I will, on occasion, come second...to the man's children, to his job, and to his other family members and responsibilties....and I expect that same graciousness and flexibility...HOWEVER, if I feel that I am coming LAST...and this is on a consistent basis, then we need to talk, and if it doesn't improve, I need to walk. LynSteph, I wholeheartedly agree with you here. If I'm constantly coming in a distant second or on the bottom of the heap, then pardon the cliche' but he's just not that into me, and it's time for me to make a graceful exit. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:15:28 PM |
Whewww!!!!!! Dating Single Parents is Complicated and Tiring! Good Luck!
Would you seriously want to date someone that would rather be with YOU, then attend a school function for their child? If so, what does that say about you and your character?!
For people who feel this way, would it be upsetting if your romantic interest, who we'll assume has no kids, has someone else as a #1 romantic interest, and put you as a #2 choice?
I am not sure where you are going with that line of questioning...That in no way is related to the facct that a parent would want to attend events for their child and care for them when they are sick. If that makes you feel second choice, then do not attempt a relationship with single parents. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:38:11 PM | So how do the single parents feel about being non-exclusive relationships
^^^No one has answered this portion of the question.^^^
If you are a person who has very limited time to date b/c of your children (plus other commitments such as job, etc) would you object if the person you were dating saw other people? If you can only see that person once a week do you expect him/her to sit at home the other 6 days a week? If you can only see that person once a week do you consider that a "committed" relationship?
(and can we please quit posting the obvious such as: if my child is sick the other person needs to realize that I will be with my child and not out at a movie. Well, no sh!t.  How dumb are the members of your dating pool if you have to make that statement? ) | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:47:38 PM | My answer to that question is that it wouldn't come up for me. I would not be in a relationship with a person unless they 1. Were comfortable and welcomed with my family and 2. Felt that what I had to offer is meeting their needs.
If someone I was seeing seriously asked to start seeing other people because I have my children, that relationship would get alot less serious in a hurry.
Just don't date people who love their children if it bothers you so much. | |
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| If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:11:02 PM |
and can we please quit posting the obvious such as: if my child is sick the other person needs to realize that I will be with my child and not out at a movie. Well, no sh!t. How dumb are the members of your dating pool if you have to make that statement? )
"Well, No shi*t" ? ...are you crazy..Some men DO not get that not all single moms are the same..and not all women enjoy seeing these threads posted by women that share the same title as us...Have you not experienced from reading these threads how single minded many people are about single parent, and think we all just drop a person we are dating because our kids says boo, etc...Forgive me for trying to prove a point..
So how do the single parents feel about being non-exclusive relationships
That is not what I am ultimately looking for. If a person has a problem seeing me on a scheduled basis, then don't date me at all.
BTW, rjpeagles. It looks as if you are dating a single mom. Do you sit at home six nights a week, or do you have another relationship on the side? | |
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