| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:40:02 PM | Ok, I have a question for ANYONE! I am a lady that when I like a gentleman and I feel in return he is interested in me, I let him know by things such as, sending a card, texting him during the day to say "I'm thinking about you", maybe buying him a gift (something small at first) anyway those types of things. Recently, a guy and I went out about 5 - 6 times in which of those dates things were pretty intense! No we did not sleep together but it was close. He invited me to his house and cooked a meal for me, had the fire going (ok, yea in Florida, but it was the mood thing), had some wine and it was a great night. I left! The next day, I happened to be in a card shop NOT shopping for him but for my parents anniversary, while there I found a card that just simply said this "thank you" on the front and inside was something like, for just being you....OK, here is the question: I lived at the time about 1/2 mile from his house, on my way home (not that I didn't want to spend the money on a stamp), I stopped and put the card inside his mailbox at his house!!! About 3 hours later I received a text from him, that I was crazy, and I needed to slow down big time and I broke the rules to any relationship. I came home and had an email from him saying about the same thing. He never did say why. But I am assuming it is because I put the card in his mailbox instead of mailing it, or.....beause I gave him a thank you card...Was it wrong for me to do that? My thought process was this, that HE would appreciate the fact I took the time out of my busy day to swing by his house and put the card in his mailbox not thinking that he might think I was "stalking him, or going through his mail", but honestly I did not mean a thing by it other than to go the extra mile. When is too much too much? I love to show the guy I am with that I care and I am thinking about him. It's like foreplay all day long before they get home. HELP PLEASE!!! Because to this day, I still don't know what upset him so much. He now does text me saying hello and I am nice back and say hello but never have brought that subect up. Any thoughts?
Sandi - Tampa Florida | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:51:25 PM | | a woman does something nice like that for ya and ya freak out, pretty much means he was goofy. i ain't met a woman yet I wouldn't appreciate that from. keep being yourself, some of us will appreciate stuff like that. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:58:40 PM | Do you think it was because I took the card to his house and left it in the mailbox. Oh well, move to the next one.......Where do you live? I don't know yet how to look at the profiles and all this stuff.
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:05:39 PM | Sandi, hmmm maybe he was married? (you went to his place when 'she' was out of town??) or had another woman there when he picked the card out of the letterbox and she saw it.
arh... forget him if he can't handle you 'as you are' with all the cutesy manners say NEXT PLEASE.. someone who will appreciate you. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:06:34 PM |
I let him know by things such as, sending a card, texting him during the day to say "I'm thinking about you", maybe buying him a gift (something small at first) anyway those types of things.
Since you ask, that's a bit much, since most people don't sustain such intense attention. It implies a promise of more than is likely to be delivered, like infatuation. If that's so--IF--then putting a card in someone's mailbox is more of too much. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:34:45 PM | I'm curious how you would feel if it were the other way around? People tend to be pretty possessive of their space, wanting to share it only on their own terms. Especially after just 5-6 dates. I think it's a control issue - like there's a one-sided, uncontrollable acceleration of the relationship. Acceleration is best done together, where both can lose control together, so that no one is left thinking "OMG, how am I going to get away from him/her?"
We hear so many stories about stalking, that the thought comes all too easily. Perhaps a generation or two ago, it wouldn't have felt so wrong to him.
That said, I think the card was a sweet thing to do, and I don't think I would have had the same reaction - but after a handful of dates, it's hard to know a person well enough to gage their reaction. Everyone has different boundaries.
-Peter, Denver CO | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:41:21 AM | | I for sure would not be saying hello back and being nice to him. No apologies for his bad manners to you. It sounds likes he is crazy and I would throw him back into the sea. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:55:47 AM | I'd say in truth he probably did have something at his home he was trying to hide. Either a wife or a girlfriend, but there was something there he did not want you knowing about. The only way a card or something of that nature is bad is when it says off the deep end stuff.
"Its been a couple weeks, but I'm ready to marry you."
"I love you so much, I need to see you every day."
after a couple dates if that was te case I could understand. something as simple as thank you though shows he has a lot of unwarranted anger. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:56:34 AM | I'm going to reinforce pretty much everyone else's opinions: one letter after 5 or 6 dates is not too much. One leter at home after a date at the house is not too much.
A letter every day, 4 to 30 text messages a day,, showing up at work "just to say Hi" but leaving a photo of yourself on his desk while he wasn't looking, breaking into his house, stealing his photo album and photoshopping yourself into images of him as a kid, hiring a PI to track down his family and telling them all you're engaged, kidnapping him and locking him into an Austrian dungeon so you can protect him from the big bad world ... that's probably too much. Unless his profile says he's into that sort of thing. 
Basically too much is anything that if it were done to you would make you feel like he is a stalker or way too needy/clingy/desperate. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:20:04 AM | | I also suspect that he was freaked out by the fact you went to his house to drop it off. Maybe he has something to hide. Maybe not. If I had gone on 5-6 dates that were going really well, I'd love a card or anything like that. I wouldn't be freaked out by it at all. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:50:58 AM | | You know, I actually would be a little freaked out if I were the guy. The part that would unnerve me is coming by my house and placing it in my mailbox. Hate to say it, but often it's best to let the other person know you are interested, in more subtle ways. I can say this because I have also gone off the deep end and sent cards or notes when I was very interested...and it did indeed freak out the guy. Live and learn! | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:54:47 AM | Sorry to say this ... but -- you did act like an out of control train about to collide into reality.
If you had done only 1/2 of what you've described -- the average male would bail.
You must have known it -- from your online photo, we know that you have a grown son (actually an adult male).
Question if he would desire or even accept that a female does 0.2 % of what you did ?
Remember this male moto!
TOO MUCH + TOO SOON = TOO NUTS TO DATE | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:19:13 PM | Where do you live?
OMG... Remee, she's stalking you!!
just kidding...
Like some of the others have said, it's all about timing... going at the same pace. But it's hard to tell what the pace should be because everybody is different.
I've dated (non exclusive) women who lived close to me call me up asking about cars in my driveway or the lack thereof... and felt rather stalked... Not sure how I would feel about one dropping things in my mail box.
They usually just thank me in person... | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:47:10 PM | OP: I used to have an ex that did the "card" thing.
Really, if you want to thank a guy, just say it in person. Or maybe a Bj. Better even yet, a steak dinner.
We just don't do the "card" thing. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:11:13 PM |
Sorry to say this ... but -- you did act like an out of control train about to collide into reality.
If you had done only 1/2 of what you've described -- the average male would bail.
You must have known it -- from your online photo, we know that you have a grown son (actually an adult male).
Question if he would desire or even accept that a female does 0.2 % of what you did ?
Remember this male moto!
TOO MUCH + TOO SOON = TOO NUTS TO DATE
Let me explain something simple and give a good example.
men in there first relationships (9th grade- 12th grade area) do not hinder themselves, they do not hold back any emotion and they have little fear of commitment. They put themselves out to the girl they are with and so does the girl.
Now, why would a man or women require time or for dating to go slow? Because they have been hurt in the past and can't allow themselves to be hurt again. So in my opinion find someone that has no problem committing because you know that they can accept the fact that there is risk involved and not be afraid of it. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:05:37 PM | Well, it's too bad the guy couldn't appreciate it for the simple token that it was. It's HARDLY considered stalking to leave a suprise card to thank someone for a special effort they made on your behalf.
My ex-boyfriend used to go into NYC alot and would take the commuter train. One night a few weeks after we'd started seeing each other, I made a trip to the train station where his car was parked and left a note for him under his windshield wiper. When he found it hours later, he was completely touched and flattered that I'd gone out of my way to do that, and to this day (3 1/2 years later) he still has the letter.
I guess everyone's boundaries are different. I personally don't see anything horribly wrong with leaving a surprise thank you card. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:19:52 PM |
a woman does something nice like that for ya and ya freak out, pretty much means he was goofy. i ain't met a woman yet I wouldn't appreciate that from. keep being yourself, some of us will appreciate stuff like that.
Amen there, I'd love for her to do something nice like that for me, as I would for her. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:11:11 PM | Namebob5
men in there first relationships (9th grade- 12th grade area) do not hinder themselves, they do not hold back any emotion and they have little fear of commitment. They put themselves out to the girl they are with and so does the girl.
LOL ~
You must have ment to say " BOYS at that age in THEIR first relationship..."
Don't you get it yet? At that point in our life we are willing to do or say anything to obtain sex from females
~ It's all part of the master gameplan! | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:33:54 PM | OP,
IMO, while you had the best intentions, and it didn't occur to you as an invasion of privacy at the time, what you did could be construed by some as stalker-ish. Apparently this guy construed it that way. Live and learn, move on. Think of it like this, everybody loves to get POSTED mail.Best of luck. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/15/2008 1:45:21 PM | Ok Sir, Zentimes
He invited me to HIS house for dinner 2 times and called and texted me everyday, before I even did anything. Then after the 2nd dinner, I did put the card in his box. Of course, I have not been in touch w/ him since then about 5 months and moved on, but I am really just a caring person!
If my son (according to your great observation in my profile of my pictures) yes, that is my son, received a card from someone in the mailbox, I don't know how HE WOULD REACT.....
But as someone said. Live and Learn. Don't think he was married, I think HE THINKS he was ready for a committment but....not really, he now is texting me and stuff and I'm just not playing games.
And yes, I did write a BOOK in my profile, because what I am and want is what I wrote.
THanks to all of you for your opinions.
I am sure I have many more questions, like why do people put pictures up that are really OLD ones and say they are recent...Don't get it. That's why I put the one of me up that said on there NOT A RECENT PIC...lol
Thanks everyone | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:48:41 PM | First of all their are no rules for dating. Any idiot that says that is a dip.
I think you do come on like a ton of bricks though. You went on 5-6 dates and you are buying gifts, sending cards, texting, and then you drop off a card in person? Wow that is way too much.
I think you overdid it big time, and I think you need to slow down next time. What you feel is not what a man feels. One card is ok but texting and cards, and then dropping off a card is uncomfortable. Go slower and things will be fine. | |
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| How do you know if too much is too much
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:10:43 PM | @ OP.
personally I'd be really touched if someone did that for me. sometimes things like this really illustrate to me just how much behaviours have changed over the decades, what peoples expectations are and what the norms of behaviour now are.
If it was me, I'd be pleased that someone took time out of my day, but obviously this guy wasn't wired that way. I think all you can do is mark this one up to experience. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you did, I think he over reacted a bit, but then again, we're men.
We don't always communicate as we should anyway, but next time, maybe save a gesture like that until things have gotten a little more serious. I don't know, it's a bit of crap shoot really. Someone might love it, they might not, all you can do is be yourself really. I've stopped trying to second guess things. | |
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