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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 1:48:19 AM | About 4 months ago my relationship of 2 years with my first love ended, on pretty good terms. About week after the fact I started losing control and thought the world was ending, and I would never love again blah blah… pretty much walked around in a daze up until a couple weeks ago. She told me she started dating someone else and that’s when everything kind of clicked in my head, and I was hit with a sort of epiphany. I have a habit of thinking a lot more than I should, spending nights just trying to figure things out. Anyways, enough of the boohoo im gonna get right to the point. I think this is a good thing for guys to have that first heart break. Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.
I didn’t initially know how to deal with this, so I broke down. I cried, I got angry, got incredibly lonely, and went through denial, the whole shaaabang… then I got sick of feeling the way I did, I looked at myself and said, you know what…I don’t need this. So I started looking for ways out, and I found it when she told me she started dating one of her friends. At first I was hurt to the point I couldn’t cry, and that’s when I had an epiphany. I think almost everybody has had their heart broken at least once, but we all choose to deal with it in different ways.
Men are good at getting angry(so are women but we are focusing on men in this thread). Whatever the reason for the separation, its easy to look for and find something to get angry about. “she cheated”, “she led me on”, “she used me”, ”she wont give me back my xbox” etc…etc… point being, its easier to be mad at the person, and use that anger to bypass the pain and the loneliness, than it is to actually deal with the feelings head on and come out a better person. I’ve met a lot men who show a lot of symptoms of the angry heartbroken male, hard on the surface and soft on the inside. Honestly, when guys like this talk about women they act like their shit doesn’t stink. Nobody is perfect, you got dumped…it sucks but get over it. She probably had reason enough to dump you and if she didn’t then you shouldn’t be dating someone so stupid. I’m really glad I got my heart broken, because before the relationship I was looking to belong, and I thought that dating someone would free me and in a lot of ways it did, but it also messed up my priorities. Now that I am single, I realize that being in a relationship shouldn’t be something you look for, it just has to happen. I know now that what is most important is myself, and my own happiness. Sounds selfish but I’ve spent too much time trying to please others. The right balance of friends, hobbies, music, even exercise will liberate your soul. I was dependant of my ex, I relied on her for my happiness, and it took a break up to realize where I had failed. You ABSOLUTELY have to love yourself before you enter into a relationship, because if you don’t, when that relationship ends you will have no one to help you but yourself, and if you aren’t happy with your self you will be a lot more lonely, and it IS your fault.
Let me know what you think…
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:26:21 AM |
relied on her for my happiness
theta part of true commitment, and a hearts desire...very commendable, but unfortunatly very few such relationships exist. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:38:19 AM | You'll get over it...Most of the time, a man will before a woman does...
With some men, that "broken hearted feeling" lingers...right up until the next blue-eyed floozy comes along! | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:00:28 AM | You'll get over it...Most of the time, a man will before a woman does...
With some men, that "broken hearted feeling" lingers...right up until the next blue-eyed floozy comes along!
Obviously everyones different and you can't really generalize here, but that hasn't been my experience with men in my life. It all depends on the woman and how involved the man was in the relationship. I also believe age has alot to do with it. The younger the man the easier it is to get over someone and move on. As time goes on, men have a tendency to realize that looks aren't everything and it takes much more to keep his interest. Believe me, if he was totally in love with her, it'll take much more then a blue eyed floozy for him to get over it.. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:02:54 AM | I think you are a truly wise young man. Some never reach the level of analyzing themselves or relationships to the extent you have.
Feeling all the feelings that you felt is normal and actually a must in healing. I think you recognized however, that holding on to the anger and hurt only affects you. As you state she has moved on and is dating.
Take what what was good from the relationship and cherish those good thoughts. You seem to have already thrown out the negative. And if the right person does cross your path she wont be put off and run due to any bitterness that you are holding.
KUDOS to you for your insight.................
PEACE | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:14:55 AM | You'll get over it...Most of the time, a man will before a woman does...
With some men, that "broken hearted feeling" lingers...right up until the next blue-eyed floozy comes along
========================
Your'e kidding arent you???
Broken hearted, mid aged men, account for more suicides, than all the other demographs put together. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:26:38 AM |
Broken hearted, mid aged men, account for more suicides, than all the other demographs put together.
I didn't know that particular statistic . . . but I've sure met more than a few broken-hearted men who couldn't seem to move on. I agree it's better to have the first heart-break experience while young, when people are, I think, more flexible. Although even then, I've known cases where a man could not really fully love again.
I have to hand it to the OP, you have shown a good deal of normalcy and healthy adjustment in how you dealt with the experience, and thank you for sharing it. Your story may help others. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:34:19 AM | MRL6, YOU ARE INDEED AN INTELLIGENT MAN. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN YOUR EX. AS I READ THROUGH YOUR POST, I WAS TOUCHED BY WHAT YOU SAID. BELIEVE ME OP, YOU HAVE BEEN THE SECOND PERSON ON THIS SITE WHO HAVE SAID SOMETHING STRIKING. YOUR INSIGHT WAS JUST FLAWLESS.
IT MADE ME LOOK BACK ON MY LAST RELATIONSHIP THAT LASTED FOR TWO AND HALF YEARS, ALTHOUGH DISTANCE WAS THE CAUSE, BCOS SHE COULDN'T WAIT. AND I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER LOVE AGAIN, FOR ALL THAT TWO AND HALF YEARS WASTED. BUT WHEN I JOINED THIS SITE, AND MET PEOPLE LIKE REDCASSANDRA, A ROSE IS A ROSE, SPHINXFIRE, AND ASH.I.AM, I LEARNT ALOT, BCOS THEY THOUGHT ME HOW TO SMILE, NOMATTER WHAT THE SITUATION IS, LEARN TO LOVE EVERYONE, AND NOW YOU HAVE COME FROM NO WHERE. THANK YOU.
WE MEN HAVE TO LOVE OURSELVES, LIKE YOU SAID. OTHERWISE, WE WILL ALWAYS FEEL EMPTY AND LONELY. NO MATTER WHAT..
I HOPE WE CAN ALL OPEN OUR HEART, AND LET LOVE COME IN. BECAUSE THE GREATEST THING WE CAN EVER LEARN IN LIFE, IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN.
D'POET | |
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 9 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:40:38 AM | Artistee,
You'll get over it...Most of the time
im glad you adde the 'most of the time to that, unlike some other posters on here who seem to say you will always get over it. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:09:51 AM |
I relied on her for my happiness, and it took a break up to realize where I had failed. You ABSOLUTELY have to love yourself before you enter into a relationship, because if you don’t, when that relationship ends you will have no one to help you but yourself, and if you aren’t happy with your self you will be a lot more lonely, and it IS your fault.
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This is one of the most common mistakes we as humans make. I don't know many people that has gone through this once or twice before they realize that your happiness is the most important thing. When you love who you are, then others will love you for who you are.
I have had the pleasure of being in-love a couple of times over my life time. There has been a couple of times I thought I was, but looking back, I just love them... but wasn't in love.
To this day I still look back at the fond memories of the times I spent and sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if we were still together.
My heart has been broken more times than I care to admit and I find that men tend to submerse themselves in their work (hide in their cave so to speak).
Not all men bounce right back as soon as a blue eyed floozy makes an appearance as it was suggested a couple posts ago. Men do experience and deal with disappointment differently... some jump right back into the game and others just allows time to heal.
As a man, I can't help but wonder about my counter parts, if they jump right back into the game... I can't help but to wonder how sincere were they from the beginning.
Having your heart broken allows a person to experience both sides of love.
Hopefully this teaches some that playing games involving the heart is not something to take lightly.
If I might be so bold, I think that your just trying to justify your emotions that your experiencing... thats good that your understanding what is going on.
I can tell you that you will have your good days and your bad days.... This too will pass as time goes on., "Time does heal the heart".
Now go buy yourself something like a Harley and go get a life son...  | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:17:12 AM | I believe we have to go through things in order to learn from them. Whether it be a broken heart or some other event. There are no mistakes...only lessons to be learned.
"Time does heal the heart".
Time doesn't heal a damn thing. It's what one chooses to do with that time, that heals.
I relied on her for my happiness...
When one places all their happiness on another's lap, game over. Take back the control and become more empowered. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:23:51 AM | mrl6.............21 years young with this maturity level??? I'm absolutely impressed with your insight along with other posters here. Yes, we have all gone through heartbreak and it's tough to deal with no matter who you are. I'm finding it harder to deal with the older I get which I thought it would get easier. Of course that also depends on how much in love you were with someone. I've seen a lot of women hang onto anger and resentment and can't seem to get over their last love either just like us men sometimes. So that being said it depends alot on the persons personality or character as to how they handle things and how quickly they can move on. Your right, men can become hardend and caloused to loving again and so can women. It works for both genders.
You ABSOLUTELY have to love yourself before you enter into a relationship, because if you don’t, when that relationship ends you will have no one to help you but yourself, and if you aren’t happy with your self you will be a lot more lonely, and it IS your fault.....................very well put
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:25:47 AM |
With some men, that "broken hearted feeling" lingers...right up until the next blue-eyed floozy comes along! Words to demonstrate someone who is quite obviously, NOT "over it".
OP, you have a good outlook, sorry about your present heartache, but you're right...you will eventually get over it and next time will be better simply because you do have a good grasp on reality.
Statistically speaking, men are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than are women. Though there are many factors to consider, like women are more likely to have an maintain a "support group", other reasons are, women generally have the children to think of, and until recently....women generally struggled more for sheer survival (financially). Keeping busy, and keeping in touch with friends is important. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:34:41 AM | | I say thats why men invented alcohol that's how we don't deal wiv it but escape from it untill we can think of a resolution on how to cope or come to terms with it.... | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:49:10 AM | Realy good forum OP ... I wish you luv joy and happiness that you will find by luving yourself and moving on for a better day ...
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:50:44 AM | | It's all just passing stages in our lives..people don't stay together because of religion or duty anymore..don't know whether that's good or bad but it's the way we are now. And so,we have to buck up and go on,no matter how bad it is...The most important thing in life is your health,cos without good health,nothing else matters.Unfortunately,divorce,split ups,deaths,cause us great stress and stress is a killer,so for self preservation,we have to love ourselves and tell ourselves that life does go on and there isn't much we can do about some situations except ride them out..Don't think it is any different for either sex..In the long run, women suffer more,but they might have more outlets to relieve themselves for a while..but some don't,and keep it inside and suffer too,like men..When you look back on your life,you remember other loves but they are gone and finally forgotten and you have survived and probably are better off than if you had stayed in the relationship. What you have to do is look at the relationship realistically...Aside from lust,good sex, was there more?..Was there something to build a life on with that person?....would you have children with that person?...it isn't easy,a good marriage takes a lot of work and many of us just take each other forgranted and some just feel that they can coast along without any work on their part...loving yourself is very nice,but not always an easy thing,even tho you hear it constantly...but, it is the secret because when it comes down to it,that's really who you'll end up with in the end and if you love yourself,others will love you too...Communication is most important and if you can't communicate your innermost thots,you have to work on that..women love it when a guy communicates verbally and can put his thoughts into words...if you can't,it's a real hindrance. We all need reassurance that we are loved,until we get to a certain point in our life,when we are mature enough to realize that everyone is in the same boat and we become more tolerant and understanding,and don't need this reassurance constantly,maybe not at all,but,it is nice to know that someone out there loves you...best of luck.. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:17:59 AM |
Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Not always. There are a lot of emotionally crippled people around. Some learn to walk again, some don't.
Men are good at getting angry Not this one. If anything, I get pissed at myself because I don't. I just hurt for a long time. If a female flashed perfect breasts at me in a restaurant, I'd just go back to my soup.
I have to admit, that I've never been blind sided. Come to think of it, I've never been dumped. But that doesn't mean I was never cheated on, beat on, spat on, and a few other things I've pushed out of my head. It hurts more to stay after something like that than it does to leave. They can faint at the door all they want, but I leave anyway. They probably did those things because they thought I was shameless, and loved them too much to ever leave. Don't get me wrong, I can swallow my pride, but I'll never be shameless.
(http://www.imeem.com/people/4wC3ri/music/Kpo9N30w/garth_brooks_shameless/)
Funny tough, I want to be. (go figure) | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:48:18 AM |
“she cheated”, “she led me on”, “she used me”, ”she wont give me back my xbox”
Put that in a time capsule and look at it in 10-25 years. It's freakin' hilarious -- like something off Judge Judy. 
More seriously...
I’m really glad I got my heart broken
To the outside world this statement sounds sorta crazy, or maybe something only a poet would come up with. You'll think sounder thoughts when you come out the other side of it, which typically takes longer than a week or two -- for guys at least.
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:51:37 AM | Irish eyez,
it is so nice to see another poster with the same words i would say
Time doesn't heal a damn thing.
how very true, and i know from experiance.
though your answer to "relied on her for my happiness" and placing it in anothers lap.... maybe its how the op said it, you interprated it, or i read it....
but it could also be seen as the person in question has bought more happiness than anyone else has, or could.
maybe the poster has placed the lady on a pedastle so high that no other lady could come close, holding someone in such high regard, while devestating to ones own life, is a very honorable practice, as any other lady met is just second best.
[while that may sound like bad news at first glance, just try to see it from the true love aspect, once you have found perfection in what you seek, and if that is an unrequited love, though reciprocation is deeply desired, the other person may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them, and this can lead to feelings of depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and mood swings between depression and euphoria, even suicide. | |
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DazzyB
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Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:18:57 AM | Mrl6, I have to commend you on the wisdom that you are showing. Did you really write this stuff?? I'm very impressed at the level of maturity that you have. There's not many blokes around that are your age who look at this sort of thing as you do.
Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.
Absolutely!
I didn’t initially know how to deal with this, so I broke down. I cried, I got angry, got incredibly lonely, and went through denial, the whole shaaabang…
Having been is a marriage for well over 13 years, my ex in the later stages got violent with me. The police were called out 6 times before they arrested her, and also before I finally came to my senses. After that I was very angry and didn't cry much - that was the best way for me to cope at the time, although it may not nessesary be the right way. Then she tried to get me back (after the divorce came through). Like a total idiot I fell for the bait. As soon as she had my heart again she then proceeded to go off and sleep with another man. It was at this point where I cried and cried and cried. 3 weeks in a row if I remember. I was so hurt. Then all of a sudden the tears just dried up and I got on with my life. I see this as like a grieving process when a close one dies. In a way that has happened, but then you've just got to get up off the floor, wipe yourself down and get on with life because life goes on.
I don’t need this.
That's the point I am making above, which is I guess what fueled the anger
I’m really glad I got my heart broken, because before the relationship I was looking to belong, and I thought that dating someone would free me and in a lot of ways it did, but it also messed up my priorities.
I am totally astounded at these words! You are a very wise young man...
I realize that being in a relationship shouldn’t be something you look for, it just has to happen. I know now that what is most important is myself, and my own happiness.
Not selfish at all. Sounds like you got your head screwed on in my book.
I relied on her for my happiness, and it took a break up to realize where I had failed.
In one way I agree, in that our lives are only successful if we make them that way, but I also believe that when you meet the right person for you, both of you will find happiness in each other. Man was made for woman and vice-versa. Maybe to RELY on her is not so good though.
You ABSOLUTELY have to love yourself before you enter into a relationship, because if you don’t, when that relationship ends you will have no one to help you but yourself, and if you aren’t happy with your self you will be a lot more lonely, and it IS your fault.
Amen to that!
Just to say, Mrl6, that you are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You will no doubt meet someone worthy of your qualities and will both get on life a house on fire. In the meantime, I agree that just to get on with the other stuff in your life, stuff that will help to build up your confidence again is the best thing that yuo can do. It's when you are not looking for anyone that someone will come along and accept you for who you are. Sometimes I think people try too hard to find their partner and they need to relax a bit and take things in their stride.
Dazzy. :hug: | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:28:12 AM | | How do men deal with broken hearts, They move on with another woman, Most me dont have hearts so they just find another woman to use | |
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 22 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:41:40 AM |
Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.
Absolutely!
yeah right, and just who came up with that thought, somwone who has never experianced depression i bet | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:45:42 AM | ~OP~ Great post. I don't think you'll have any problem getting on with your life. Thinking all night? I'm no stranger to that!! BUT, try to not over-analyze what' s happening, just let it happen. Like my profile states: I've yet to die from a broken heart.  | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 24 | |
| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:59:31 AM | Definitely, pay attention to Irisheyez and Starline. Good advice.
My heart has been broken more times than I care to admit and I find that men tend to submerse themselves in their work (hide in their cave so to speak).
Starline, I can't speak for all women (obviously!), but I also have a tendency to submerge myself in work after heartbreak. The last time, I did so for almost four years. Yikes! I'm currently dealing with another bad breakup, but I'm really trying to learn from past mistakes and NOT retreat entirely to my work cave, or home cave. Easier said than done, but I'm getting better. I hope you are the same, OP. | |
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| How men deal with broken hearts.
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:13:40 AM |
Whatever the reason for the separation, its easy to look for and find something to get angry about. “she cheated”, “she led me on”, “she used me”, ”she wont give me back my xbox”
It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying...
In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...
"Zombie"
~The Cranberries~
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