| "I love you but not sure that Im in love with you"
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:55:02 AM | | Well I got this line earlier this week and very confused. Ive been dating this girl almost a year. During that time its been great at least for me. She has been through a lot lately though. Her best friend just recently died, her mom is suicidal, and she has had complications from surgery a few months ago. Basically she doesnt want to break up or see other guys. She says that part of the foundation of the relationship is missing but doesnt know what that is. She wants to basically start over almost like friends because she said she always wanted to marry her best friend and we started romantically too quick and doesnt really know me. We never had any major fights and im just at a complete lost. She didnt date any guys the past few years but she has been engaged twice. She says she always wants me to be a part of her life no matter how things turn out. After talking to people and reading forums my gut feeling is to just end it even though im still in love with her because I have not see any positive outcomes from this type of situation. I dont know how you can talk about marriage and just go back to the beginning. Eventhough I understand shes going through alot right not i cant just wait for her to turn around. I cant just be friends. Im almost 35 years old and never been married but have had a few relationships over the years, I thought this was it this time. Any advice? | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:17:50 AM | Okay OP...before I get into my advice...let me tell you straight up...I believe in two types of love...one thats born out of bond and compatibility and friendship...and the other which is...just BANG there.
Sounds to me like its the first for her when it comes to you.
You cant WOW her...you cant make "inlove" happen...thats something that happens naturally no matter what "players" or all the books or people or counsellors in the world tell you.
So you need to come to terms with the fact she doesnt feel that way about you...but its still can be a deep binding love that can last a lifetime when nurtured. It also can and likely will mean she'll always look for more should she commit to you.
You also need to come to terms with...should she meet someone with that Wow factor...she's unlikely to be stay committed to you.
This is a situation where you may feel out of control...but infact YOU are the one with all the control cos you get to decide what you accept should she change her mind.
Right now...she's not offering you anything except the time to let nature take its course if its meant to be.
Honestly though...given your situation...even you dont even seem to be representative of an Inlove broken heart yourself.
I think...you BOTH would be "settling" because you're simply in the age group you are.
Thats just my personal opinion. Ignore it if you want.
Doesnt mean that love borne out of the first type of love cant happen...but it WONT if either one of you...is hoping/looking or expecting something more.
Here's a piece of advice for anyone reading this...it DOESNT take 12 months to fall INlove...you can learn to Love someone in that time...but not fall INlove...dont waste your time with...OR waste other people's time figuring it out if thats what you want. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:21:42 AM | She's letting you down softly. Her own guilt is to blame for this phenomenon.
What "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" means, is, I want to see other people, but I want to give you reasons to doubt that information. See, she knows, if you're given the chance, you'll trust her word is good. Even when it isn't.
People who love each other, don't often want to break up or have more "space." People who want to meet and date other people, do. There really isn't any clearer way to say "I'm not into you" like "I'm not in love with you." Seems pretty clear. Wanting to start over (as best friends) is like saying "if I had it to do over, we wouldn't have ever been involved romantically."
Yes, she may be going through a lot right now and this could be a part of what's going on, but sadly it seems there is much more to it than that. Death provokes feelings of finality in ourselves. Maybe she looked inside and discovered that she didn't want to "end" up with you? Who knows.
Best Wishes OP. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:26:46 AM | | Thanks Kyn for your advice. Im truely inlove with her and cant imagine being with her the rest of my life. But I cant be friends with her its too hard because I know that I couldnt stand her dating other guys and I would always want more. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:34:07 AM | PJ-
Sometimes we only can love another the best way know how-but it tends NOT to be enough for the other person. I've been in love, and I know how wonderful that feeling is-I call it a perpetual blissful happy place. However, when that love can't be returned you have to ask yourself can the feelings you share be enough? It requires two committed people to keep a relationship going-and if she's having misgivings perhaps it's best to let her go. I know it's far easier said than done, but I would rather part ways on GOOD terms than drag things out and end in a negative way.
I think you both need a heart to heart talk about everything on yours and her mind. Fear of the unknown can make a person act without thinking, but maybe she is having second thoughts about being in an exclusive relationship. The only way to know for certain is to ask her. I wish you luck-loving a person seems so easy, but when they can't love you back the way you had hoped it can be devastating. I know-been there done that and it sucks. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:35:51 AM |
Thanks Kyn for your advice. Im truely inlove with her and cant imagine being with her the rest of my life.
You're welcome for what its worth anyway cos its only my opinion.
I know I couldnt be with someone who wasnt Inlove with me if *I* was inlove with them.
But that my personal decision. Everyone is different.
Good luck with whatever happens and whatever you decide should things change.
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:55:24 AM | | Ty outofthedesert-and believe me it took me a long time to figure it out, but when I did I was a much happier person. A person should never define US-but they damn well better compliment our lives for the better. I am sure a lot of folks have been through a similiar situation, but it's how you handle it that makes all the difference in the world. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:14:01 AM | | Again after talking to people and reading forums its a no win situation for me at least. Im pretty much thinking its over. I just cant be friends and hope something might happen its too hard. Thanks again guys with your advice I really appreciate it. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:27:34 AM |
She didnt date any guys the past few years but she has been engaged twice. She says she always wants me to be a part of her life no matter how things turn out. ... I dont know how you can talk about marriage and just go back to the beginning.
It seems she has a history of jumping into future plans and then backing out. (engaged twice before -- not married)
She is continuing a pattern, so forget whatever she told you and realize this is what she does (and probably will continue to do) | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:36:41 AM | | Yep Janet, that has crossed my mind as well. Also I now know how it feels to return an engagement ring back at the store. Talk about feeling like a loser. I symphathize with all the guys out their that have done this. It sucks I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:38:24 AM | OP It sounds like she has some walls set up. If she has been engaged twice and has been with you for a year and now is telling you she loves you but is not in love with you (which by the way is the kiss of death) she is a relationship sabotager.
AS someone said she may not love you the way you love her but, she loves you in the only way she is capable of loving, she has no more to give...not to you or to anyone.
I would suggest if you are going to remain friends with her to suggest counseling. She may be lacking self love. Until she learns to fully love herself she is not capable of giving "love" to someone else.
Sometimes when girls are young they have this fantasy about this fairy tale love and when they grow up they dont abandon that fantasy and are ever on a search to find it.
However, her issues are not your issues, and not for you to handle. Take this as a learning experience. Take what was good from the relationship and cherish it but move on.
GOOD LUCK | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:47:08 AM | | Yea galonthemt, I cant remain friends its just too hard for me. The last time I talked to her she said that this isnt the end and that she believes that everything is going to turn out ok. I told her I cant promise anything. Its like she wants her cake and eat it too. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:55:47 AM | Let me start off by saying I am a VERY pessimist person.
Having said that, I strongly agree with Msg 2 and strongly disagree with Msg 3 due to personal experience. I have just went through a phase very similar to the one you describe.
I was dating someone for a while, and I too was going through some rough times, I still am. He and I got along very well. Almost never argued, we laughed we talked. I was so comfortable with him and I felt safe and wanted and I cared deeply for him. But just like your girl said, something was missing. The 'WOW' wasn't there just like Msg 2 describes.
It is so unbelievable similar to your case, as for a while I was seriously considering telling him exactly that! 'I love you, but I am not in love with you'. It didn't necessarily mean I want to date other people, I just thought he should know. For various reasons I never got to tell him this, it was never the right time. And I am SO relieved I didn't!
Today, I could easily introduce him to anyone as the man of my dreams.
Now here comes the only part where I disagree with msg 2. I think of all the WOW's that I could have been with, some I could maybe still have a shot with. If one of them came to me, would I even CONSIDER leaving my man over the WOW? I would most certainly NOT. Did they stop becoming WOW's? No. It's the same WOW. But it is just that. They are nice to look at. I am so happy with mine, and I don't want to shop around. Even if a WOW came to my door, I would politely decline.
I hope that helps!
Just give her what she needs. Take it slow, but don't be bitter. Be there for her. Change nothing unless she explicitly expresses it. I know what she said hurt you, but ignore it for now. Be the same. Be loving be caring, express everything you feel without bombarding her or pressuring her. Give her love and don't be needy or expect it. It will come if she says she loves you. And why would she lie? | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:59:03 AM | I don't know this woman, so I can only guess.
From what it sounds like, she's got a whole lot on her plate. Having a good relationship would help her thru any one of these problems, and certainly thru all of them at once. which is probably why she doesn't want to break up what she has, and doesn't want the whole breakup routine to add onto her pile of problems.
If she feels she doesn't know you, then she probably worries about the shoe dropping at some point in time, probably when she least needs it to. I'm going to guess, since she's been engaged twice, that she's being honest with herself and you, rather than continue to wear the rose colored sunglasses, and go down in denial the whole way.
so what's she being honest about? That she doesn't know what she has right now (not you, the relationship). that question alone is enough to take someone's time, which as we noticed, is already occupied. Maybe she wants to start all over, in order to relook at what you are.
Or maybe she's letting you down easy, who knows? she might even not. so, you've got to respect yourself. YOU have to figure out what you want, and be realistic about whether or not this gal can give you what you need (not what you want, what you need). Talk to friends who know the both of you, or have listened to you complain about her. They aren't as deep invested.
Respect yourself. do what is right for you, and it'll be right for her in the long run. being friends with her if you do break up, is gonna be tough for a while. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:05:23 AM | Op - I hope you read what cgy 121 had to say.
Some of us, when going through rough times, tend to push away from those we care about - whether to protect them, or protect ourselves - the point is, it sounds as though your gf is in crisis - and you might want to give her some time, and benefit of the doubt. Be there for her. Whether she says so or not, it seems as though she needs support - if you love her, as you say, support her in any way you can. She could wake up a month from now, and much like cgy said - realize you are the man of her dreams! | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:34:33 AM | I think this relationship is doomed. She is tryin to work out if she can settle for this relationship. She may well do its just depends if you can cope in your head that she loves you like a friend. Saying that some relationships do work that are like that its just if you can deal with it.
Personally Id cut ad run no matter how much it hurt me. I deserve to be loved properly as I love , not less. As for friends thing if you give the option you really will lose her as she gets it all with no commitment and your the back up plan. Find someone who deserves you is my advise, this is a no brainer and wont have happy ending x | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:05:09 AM | | Ok, maybe this woman has issues and they seem huge now. While she is pushing you away or to the back of her priority pile, she might just want your support and friendship. Her relationship history troubles me more than her current actions. It seems she has long term commitment issues. Twice engaged and no marriage, doesn't date for years. Was she abused in an earlier relationship(father, boyfriend)? As someone said she has built a wall around her heart, and while she dreams or fantasies a coupling with a man, when it gets close to happening she withdraws behind the wall. She well may have thought she liked you enough to date, but with time her feelings grew, scared her and again the wall. Only two choices I see, 1. stick around, help her as a friend past her crisis, then see if she will get counseling to lower the wall. This is not that attractive, you have no idea how long or if at the end of process she says goodbye. 2. Cut your losses here, mend your heart, pick up your pole and start fishing again. Some say if you love something set it free, if it loves you it will comeback.Bob | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:42:23 AM | | Actually she was married at 20 for a month I believe. Her parents went through a terrible divorce along time ago and that is a factor too. I strongly believe that actions speak louder than words. I have done everything I can and my attitude right now is that it is over and move on. She has to put in the effort i already have and than some. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:03:03 AM | | dump her bro. you have to be preemptive here. if you dont get rid of her she is eventually going to start dating someone else due to the whole starting over crap and you're going to feel like an idiot. yeah she might have had some problems but they dont have to be your problems as well. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:17:43 AM | *sigh* what i am going to say is not likely to be the popular response...
look around (go ahead & look...i'll wait)
does it seem to you like there is an over-abundance of love in most peoples lives?
does it look like most folks are walking around just dripping in the stuff?
yeah...i didnt think so.
you say: "I cant remain friends its just too hard for me"
i know the 'make a clean cut, its like ripping off a bandaid' policy of break ups is popular, but i'm not sure popular is always best.
i suspect that when you say you "cant" remain friends, you really mean you dont want to, because it will be difficult.... but is ripping off the bandaid, or making a clean cut going to be easy? if you really love her, i would guess not. its only going to be quicker...not painless.
i'm not suggesting you "wait' for her, i'm not suggesting you suffer for her.
i am suggesting you try to find a way to love her in spite of the circumstances. it sounds to me like she could use a little more love in her life right now.
decide what the boundries are.... you dating other women etc, her not telling you about her dates if she has them etc...maybe just be there to support her via phone - because you love her & she needs it - whatever it will take to make it easier on you both. it takes courage & strength, i know...but the rewards for her & for YOU make it worth at least trying.
it seems to me that love is NOT an on/off switch...at least it shouldnt be. ... maybe its more like a dimmer switch that we use to adjust to fit our needs.
just my 2 cents
SJ - proud to say she has never thrown away a perfectly good human | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:54:16 AM | ~OP~ These situations are so hard to call from an outsider perspective. For me personally ~ those words would be saying, "This isn't for me, it's time that we hug and wish each other well." I don't think taking breaks, needing space and let's be friends scream longevity. They scream, "I think we're done here." At least in my world. And I'm not a fan of those types of statements, I'm more of a realist and tend to just get it on the table. Only you and her really know the realities of your interpersonal relationship. Sadly, I don't think having a lot on my plate hinders my relationships because in life ~ we've almost always got too much on our plates. Best of luck to you.  | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:06:46 AM | Definite head case. IMO the wants the stability and reliability that you offer, but it doesn't turn her on. For THAT she needs someone who is unpredictable, dangerous, and probably a bit emotionally distant.
I would say dump her and move on, when she calls in month asking to get back together, say no. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:16:39 AM | | Well another thing shes a type A personality which Im not but I think that is what she is looking for. all the friends that I know that that are both type A and married have gotten a divorce. | |
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| I love you but not sure that Im in love with you
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:20:55 AM | In all honesty it sounds to me like she's saying that she just wants to be friends. But if she's been going through so much it may just be that she feels she can't cope with anything else on her plate.
And it doesn't sound to me like you're making her life any easier. For someone who 'truly loves her and wants to marry her' you sound like all you can think about is that she's not putting enough effort into the relationship and you're feeling let down.
You say she's been through a lot recently with the death of her friend, an operation and other things - she probably could do with some support and friendship and here you are trying to push her into something she's obviously not ready for and making her feel even more pressured. Maybe she's just seeing that you're more interested in your own feelings than you are in her and this is her way of making you back off.
I know it's a horrible situation to be in, lots of us have been there - but maybe you need to reassess your feelings and find out if you're more interested in getting married than you are in being in love with her?
Sorry OP, I don't mean to be horrible, just my opinion and I don't know either of you - I'm really sorry that you're feeling bad. I just know that I would expect someone who apparently loved me to have my back when I'm going through problems - not making life even more difficult for me. | |
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