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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:52:33 AM | We hear so many people on the over 45 forums stating that they are content on their own at this point, and really barely even date. Then you read the retorts"then, why are you here?"
I know for myself, there is a slight flicker of hope that maybe someday, I would find
that "other" to fill that spot in my heart that wants to love and be loved. The problem is, by the time you get to the mid century mark, the tolerance for the "drama" is almost gone. Call it baggage, issues, whatever, plain and simply put, alot of us have been there done that and really have absolutely no energy left to deal with the crap that goes along with relationships. And to be honest, who of us does have that perfect crap free life? I know I don`t. But yet we are all looking for that person who will bring joy, stability, comfort, without dealing with the down side.
Perfect family, perfect credit, perfect health, perfect psyche, perfect personality, perfect behavior, or what --red flag-gotta go! I don`t know but from what I have experienced, most people by the time they are 45 have been through some real stuff, and it leaves marks. Everyone has their idiosyncracies, flaws, etc. I guess I have concluded that everyone does have a touch of crazy, in their own way.
So basically our choice is to deal with that next helping of drama, if we have any fortitude at all , or choose to guard ourselves as much as possible, be safe, a be greatful to our choice of peace and solitude. There is good and bad in both. I really don`t see the perfect situation. Problems being with someone or the problem of solitude. It`s our choice which brings us more of what we are looking for.
So you want a real realtionship at this age? You`re going to deal with alot of stuff so be expecting it. Otherwise, you`ll just be doing alot of one time meets and always finding that stopper, because there ALWAYS is one. What do you think? | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:14:40 AM | | I think there are things that have happened in everyone's life that can be expected to influence relationships, but then there's "non-stop drama" that some people seem to relish.....and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live their life in a 24/7/365 "drama shop", because so much drama is manufactured by people needing attention......and I suppose, to them, negative attention is better than no attention at all. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:33:51 AM | op....I SO resonate; love to find a man to share my journey and life with, but so far.....nada......have a lot of 20 year olds (LOL) contacting me, but don't care to babysit.
I would settle right now for some women friends to hang out with!!
Hope Springs Eternal; won't give up!
Rossal | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:01:39 AM |
I know for myself, there is a slight flicker of hope that maybe someday, I would findthat "other" to fill that spot in my heart that wants to love and be loved.
I feel the same way. Is there someone out there who could see past the broken and damaged bits and love what is left of me?
I don't know. But hope, or at least keeping my mind (and my heart) open to the idea is better than apathy. And apathy is the monster I'm fighting with all I've got from overtaking me right now.
So yeah...hope...even just the smallest flicker of hope, is good. In my opinion, indifference (or apathy) is the death of your soul.
And what's a body without a soul?
Good luck to you OP...
JMO
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:19:57 AM | STOP THE DRAMA
I get it, turn off the TV, Computer, radios and cancel any subscriptions. Have your food delivered in white tubes and try a lobotomy. You could eliminate any drama whatsoever.
Forget about Shakespeare, Lucas and any other names that are associated with drama.
Forget about Cinderella, ESOP, Mobey**** and Grimm.
Just burn any books you encounter
Paint you're room black and disconnect the light.
Otherwise, you may encounter some drama.... | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:25:19 AM | Hitting walls and getting scars is what makes us who we are.
Is there someone out there who could see past the broken and damaged bits and love what is left of me?
I ask myself this question every day. I read the forums for hours every day. I've been mildly shocked at how the world has changed in the 24 years I was in forced isolation. It truly seems to me that everyone is now trying to find that someone who fits the "requirements" perfectly. Perfect looks, perfect clothes, perfect job, perfect lifestyle, perfect personality. There is nothing wrong with preferences. I have mine. But it sure seems like folks now think that if all the "requirements" are met, the relationship will be easy. No work and no compromise needed.
Every relationship takes a certain amount of work. Every day in our lives is filled with compromise, whether or not we're in a relationship. Today's mentality is that "settling is a sin". IMO, if I am in love with someone, then I'm not settling. My list is short and I'm able to compromise on many levels. If I've fallen in love with them, then they have somehow met my basic requirements. Being truly in love is the only thing I will not compromise on. I won't try to change anyone, but will try to look at things from their perspective and try to understand. By the same token, I don't want someone trying to change me. Just try to understand me and love me for who I am.
JMHO | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:47:08 AM | lol... If I find someone who's lived their life in Nirvana, I'm soooo out of there.
I want someone with a few marks, nicks and cuts. As for drama? I still have some, and there's always something going on somewhere. Sometimes I hear about it, sometimes I don't. Comes with being in a large family. 3 bros and 4 sisters (1 passed) and tons of cousins. Oh.. and the nieces and nephews? LOTS. I tell you... our family breeds like flies. lol. XMass dinner for 50 at least. A surprise 40th BD party last year had 250 attend (mostly family, only a few friends, and a few older kids).
I want someone who can relate when I say "Danny's in rehab. Again", "My brother thinks that's HIS chainsaw!", or "My son called me a****" But it doesn't stop there either. I left a few doozies out so I don't overwhelm the weak, tiered, and sick. lol. I've also left out the trailing end of my vents.
In order:
"You ready for dinner?"
"He can keep it. It never starts anyway."
"Prick" 
I've had "perfect", and I quickly found out she wasn't for me (drove me freaking nuts). Perfect to me means being risk averse in the extreme. And that's the farthest you could ever get from me.
I'm not perfect and proud of it. On the fantasie scale, I think I'm about a 5. Some women would say 9 and some would say 2. But all I expect is a 5 just like me. Drama and all. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:57:26 AM | | LOL! Sam, that's not drama...that's family comedy. Drama is when they take that kind $hit seriously! | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:24:09 AM | After ending a relationship with a high drama partner, normal levels of drama are refreshing to me.
Although I'm very new here I've already learned something from these forums. There was a post somewhere that I read that I'll paraphrase. "Guys? You don't always have to fix it. Sometimes we just need you to listen." | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:34:15 AM | I have a close friend who has been dating a man and they are considering marriage.. but his ex wife interfers with their lives all the time.. which of course is his fault to a certain extent since he has let this $hit occur for the last 12 years after the divorce..
After watching her.. I tell you I'd rather be alone than deal with that ex wife..
So that kind of drama I can live without..
But like the OP said life has drama.. it is just if it is continual.. and like another poster said.. do they take it seriously.. or do they just let it roll off. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:56:43 AM | | Interesting read. What I've found so far that works for me? "Lets not be joined at the hips". At this point, 4 years after divorce, getting remarried is the farthest thing on my mind. Having a lady to be exclusive with, that works for me. Weekend sleep overs, walks in the park, a movie every once in a while. Going out, karaoke, shooting pool, flirting, having fun. Each has their own life, but each enjoys that special time when their busy lives allow them to be together. True, plenty of drama to go around but keeping it on a, she each other when everything is cool works great. If there is turmoil, just say, "Too much going on in my life right now, lets get together in a few days, even a week later. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:16:24 AM | Im with BMack completely. Getting married is the farthest thing from my mind, as my family, (5 kids) and their drama, are always keeping me busy. Granted, it's normal everyday slapstick type drama, so far thank God, but still, I feel it's a little much to invite someone into who's led a fairly quiet life....they'd flip over what I call normal stuff.
I'm truly not looking for anything more than someone to share a night or two on the town with occasionally, or by the grill cooking dinner, or curled up on the couch watching a movie, or sipping coffee and working the Sunday crossword together..a nice voice on the other end of the line a couple of times a week....a relationship that warms the heart in the midst of all my craziness, and assures me that, in all of this, I am still a person who matters...I am a monogomous type person, and would appreciate finding someone who wants those same things...if all that leads to more, it will have done just that and LED to it, slowly, eventually....and that would be ok too....but it's not in my bucket list right now..
so the drama of a do all be all relationship, might be too much work for me. Having said that, I think that if its right, it doesnt have much drama within the relationship itself....just the lives around it. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:57:50 PM | | I have lived in a drama free zone for more than 20 years. Let in drama kings or queens - I don't think so. I love the serenity of my drama free zone. Never lonely, and always full of friends who live in drama free zones too. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:49:00 PM | Drama burnout ?? ... Naaahh, won't happen to me. I'm far too laid back to have it stay long in my world, and it bores me way too much for me to listen to it in others. If you participate in something, it becomes part of you. If you don't, it doesn't -- simple as that. And it's very hard to burn out from something you seldom see.
Nope, not a lot of patience for drama from me ... no big deal ... just always seem to find other things to do at the time.
cdn guy | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:21:59 PM | We do all have our baggage.. and I don't define having baggage as drama. Drama is when something simple.. mundane.. and avoidable gets blown waaaaay out of proportion.. and told to you over and over as if it were life altering material that somehow.. effects even you. In the end.. it does.. and I'm gone! I'm more than okay with it too.
I'm not into the continuously over-dramatics of some of the men I've met with. I'd much rather go on date after date.. then "settle" for someone that makes me want ear-plugs while gritting my teeth. I have a very big tolerance for people.. and can handle a lot without feeling like someone's scratching the chalkboard with their fingernails.. but.. there are those few men that just made me want to get up and leave "before" the coffee made it to the table. I stuck it out. I haven't walked out on a man while on a date yet.. ! (I did say.. yet though!)  | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:55:31 AM | OP, you stated:
So basically our choice is to deal with that next helping of drama, if we have any fortitude at all , or choose to guard ourselves as much as possible, be safe, a be greatful to our choice of peace and solitude. There is good and bad in both. I really don`t see the perfect situation. Problems being with someone or the problem of solitude. This is how it works, in my opinion...
Those who don't get into drama, seek and find others who understand how to do that also. They can sit back and smile and be calm together through storms, not taking the thunder into their minds to boom and bang around in their heads.
That is the "perfect solution" you asked about. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:14:42 AM | OK if you view it through the genere filter, there's dramatic, comedy, sitcoms, documentaries, cooking, travel and a large list of variety of programming for everyone. sometimes you gotta pay extra for obscure tastes but If you don't like drama, don't hang out with people that like to watch drama.
When you've whittled your friends down to a few that are all in agreement with each other, write down everything you do and sell it to the networks as a soap opera. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:16:43 AM | There's a difference between life's true everyday dramas, some by family and some by life itself, and that drama displayed by those who create and thrive on drama.
I can handle life's everyday stuff, but when people come into my life who like to create and thrive on drama. They are like little children throwing a tantrum for attention, I quickly shoo them away. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:34:55 AM | | After reading the responses to this thread, I've come to the conclusion that the "drama queens" (of either gender) just need to learn how to put the *fun in dysfunction! Laugh more, especially at yourself, and definitely whine less....and you're on the right track! | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:00:10 AM | "So you want a real realtionship at this age? You`re going to deal with alot of stuff so be expecting it. Otherwise, you`ll just be doing alot of one time meets and always finding that stopper, because there ALWAYS is one. What do you think?"
I'm still quite willing and able to do a real realtionship at my age, LOL. But I pack the "stuff" off to somebody who wants to deal with it all. I find that I'm a lot lower mileage than most men I meet. I am mariage material, so I stay that way. I'd be reluctant to remarry, but I have pretty much the same standards for dates or a mate. Keeps other people's bad decisions from miring my life, for sure.
And the few men that have never been married, well, they are not risk-takers (they are off the charts in risk-adverse) and they are eternally searching for the perfect woman that they can keep under their thumb. Years ago, a WWII veteran told me he searched for years to find the perfect woman, then figured out that "they were all the same," so he finally just married the one he thought he had the most goals in common with. That might offend some women, but I thought that's some really good advice. Unromantic? Sure, but as they say "Kissin' don't last. Cookin' do." Romance is a thrill but I've tentatively decided it's truly the opiate of the masses, LOL.
Disappointingly, the men here don't "date," as in get out of the house and be seen in public with the woman. Nor do they want to take the time to get to know anybody before jumping into bed. They just want to hop into bed. Or get a BJ in the parking lot outside the bar. For what they want, they should just pay a hooker. (Hear that, Shenango Valley!??) I used to do a lot of what ended up 1-time meet & quits, and then I decided "they are all the same" here, LOL. Interestingly, all the professional & successful single males here say the same about the women they meet. I kmow several well-educated and well-heeled women who can't find mates. These are lawyer, nurse, teacher, and retired military. Nobody's fools, nobody's burdens, no instant family, and all of us treated like losers by this cr*p mill town.
I've kept my life very, very crap-free, and being childless certainly doesn't hurt in that department, either. I relocated to this town for a job. After two years of watching nonstop married family life, and dodging dysfunctional men with no education and no assets, amd only sometimes a job, I'm 20 lbs. heavier just from the sheer day-to-day boredom of economically depressed rural area with no social life. I'm ready to pick up and move on to a city with some amenities. In this burg, it's family life / church life or no life for the women, and nothing else to do except rural outdoorsmen's activities. When I lived in the city, I never felt left out because I'm a career-minded single. I never was bored to tears, either. There were plenty of sophisticated things to do plus colleges, museums, etc. Out here, the women don't even know what freedom is. Men can't deal with a woman who is not Mom and won't do the little woman role. It's sad, really. These guys here have missed out. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:08:39 AM | Well, I have a teenager and her attending, invisible friend, "ANGST" to keep my life drama-full....as well as family and friends to keep life interesting.
And though I try to be 'centered' and keep my personal life simple, drama has happened to me and I understand when things happen in the life of others. Just don't particularly like when the drama is self-induced....like life could be boring if the pot isn't stirred up!
Do I expect 'perfect'? What the hell is that? The word rarely figures into my vocabulary. I actually think that SamSpade has the 'perfect' family....can I join? | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:10:09 PM | Drama is excitement that is staged for the purposes of entertainment. When I want that, I just turn on the TV and there it is on all 300 channels.
Life brings excitement that involves real people with real feelings about things that really happened. People lose their homes. People die. People get disappointed in other people. Shit happens. If you don't care for that, stay by yourself. You won't have to deal with anyone else's but don't be surprised when no one wants to help you deal with your own.
Well, sure, there are people that make mountains out of molehills or otherwise have more drama than they really need. Most of them just don't know any better and the rest do it just to feel alive. If I find myself in the presence of such a person I remain detached and exit as soon as I gracefully can. But if I care about someone I accept that sometimes some drama may enter their life and I may want to help them deal with it. What's wrong with that? | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:24:35 PM |
Is there someone out there who could see past the broken and damaged bits and love what is left of me?
I can't decide if that is a beautiful thing to say, or a sad thing to say...I'm leaning toward beautiful.
But if I care about someone I accept that sometimes some drama may enter their life and I may want to help them deal with it. What's wrong with that?
It depends on the LEVEL of drama. I can handle the fact that people have drama in their lives..I have a certain amount myself, but OMG..the self inflicted type..I can't handle that. I mean if your child comes home, steals money out of your wallet everytime..what is the use of pissin and moanin about it, and causing a big ruckus? Ban them from your home, or keep your wallet hidden away. Easy cheesy. | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:21:06 PM | Well I used to feel inclined to have opinions about whether other people had brought it on themselves or not, but I have not walked in any one else's moccasins lately and have much less inclination in that direction. I have also learned that what is easy for me is not so for others and vice versa. So I complain about missing buttons and a lady friend complains about the out-drive falling off her boat. I thought to propose a trade but decided she might take it the wrong way .... and I could not decide how many buttons would fairly match an out-drive.  | |
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| drama burnout
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:06:15 PM | [I think there are things that have happened in everyone's life that can be expected to influence relationships, but then there's "non-stop drama" that some people seem to relish.....and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live their life in a 24/7/365 "drama shop", because so much drama is manufactured by people needing attention......and I suppose, to them, negative attention is better than no attention at all.]
Amen to that! Yeah, we all go through stuff, and hopefully we learn from it. But really, hearing "Sniffle, sniffle, sob, they took my kids away because when I went to prison for my DUI... hey, you know where I can score some vicodin?" Or, "I loaned my car to the crack dealer down the block and now I can't get it back..." Please! Come to me when you have a problem you haven't brought on yourself. I've ditched both male and female acquaintances for this kind of nonsense. | |
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