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Posted: 6/13/2008 9:00:20 PM | So I am newly single. I was engaged, have been for nine months. I thought I could get over it by pretending it never happened, but... I think of her everyday. Not a moment passes when something does not remind me of her. I have loved someone once before, but it was nothing compared to the way I felt for her. She made me feel important. She told me everyday how much she loved me and needd me. I did little things for her, things to let her know how much I cared. I wanted to be her daughters father, I wanted the job. I thought I was through with all the B.S that goes with dating. Then, one a day off, she called me from work and told me she wanted me out. Imagine my surprise. I had no warning, we never even had any major arguments, just the little stuff. How do you make it through that, why would she not tell me she was unhappy, it was just the night before she told me she had never been as happy as she was with me. I do not understand women in the least. Why can they not just be honest.
So my question is this, how do you get through it? What do you do to ease the hurt? Do I wall myself off and be distrustful of women? I am not sure I can do that, it is not my nature, I try to see the good in everyone. Maybe I am just too sentimental.... | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 9:19:05 PM | Msg: 1, I don't understand women either, but in all fairness, neither do women understand men. The GENUINE SEARCHERS go through the same agony as you and I.
So, how do **I** get through it? I have a defensive barrier, which I call my "NEXT" button. If she does anything that I consider "suspicious", I engage it. Once that happens, she has NO CHANCE IN **HELL** of getting into my **TRUSTED INNER CIRCLE**. What does this mean? Quite simply, she and I will NEVER share INNER SECRETS. Also, she and I will NEVER share a bed together. No sex, no kissing, no hugging, no handshake. Once one is ejected from my "TRUSTED INNER CIRCLE" there is NO re-entry. My "TRUSTED INNER CIRCLE" is easy to get into, easy to get out of, but IMPOSSIBLE to get back into once ejected. | |
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Posted: 6/13/2008 9:23:33 PM | Time heals everything. There is no magic pill one can take, no spell to place; just give it time.
Good luck...it won't be easy but you will get through this. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 3:44:26 AM | Tru218
What you posted on here is so, so true.
OP, just give yourself some time and don't be hard on yourself. Take your time and concentrate on you for a while.
I can't imagine having someone up and leave for no apparent reason, which is why this must be very very hard on you.
Don't sit home alone, get out and be with family and friends who love and care for you, take up a new hobby, or re-engage in one you haven't touched in a while, take up a new sport, join a league, volunteer, and get a fresh change of scene. Stay busy and in time, the longing for her will be less acute. It will take some effort on your part, but you WILL get through this.
A Super BIG Hug for you!!!!  | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 3:56:07 AM | Know how you feel; but it is not just a WOMEN thing. It happends to us women too that we are dumpt for younger, prettier, richer, ect. or simply for the fun of it.
Have been there. I'm carefuller now whom I tust, but still I could be wrong. But I don't make others pay for what those before him did to me.
There are some nice people out of there, so who knows, maybe this one had to go for somebody BETTER to enter your life.
Don't give up...God bless you and may you find what you are looking fo
happy  | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 4:37:21 AM | Here’s the key:
The past can be yesterday, by tomorrow.
The present can be the past by sunset.
The future is tomorrow, by sunrise,
And the years move forward quickly.
I may be able to shed some light on this situation. Women remember everything a man tells her especially in the beginning of the relationship. Then they take each day waiting for the promises made, or the talks to transpire or transpose into that something that was or promised.
Men usually say things that seem to be a passing thought to just agree, so that they can move on in their day, they forget what they said and how they said it. Men generally live for the moment and the day, and at times most structure their personal goals (successes, money based things) for the future, whereas women, look at the past, stand in the moment, and look forward to the future, and wait on her love's promises and words.
In a time frame of several years, a women will still be waiting for the promises a man made to her months or years before, even if it seemed like a long time ago to a man, to a women she is still waiting, and to her it was just yesterday. Men think short term and are like steamrollers. Women think long term and are like the seasons.
And this doesn’t apply to all people, but the majority of people.
So look at what you said (if you can remember), and look at the many waves of your hands and the passing words spoken and you will see why she woke up one day and had enough of the promises you never fulfilled to her.
One more thing, men think love should not be based entirely on their words. Where as most women will truly say what they mean, and love will not keep them tied to lies and unfulfilled promises. A woman will generally walk away from unfulfilled love, to have a peace of mind and heart. Hope this helped.
Chela  | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 5:38:22 AM |
how do you get through it? What do you do to ease the hurt?
As others have said...you have to give it time. Time to grieve for the loss of the relationship, to accept it's loss, to move on.
In the meantime though, do you think it is fair you are actively looking for another long term relationship when you have just got out of an engagement and it's quite clear you need time to grieve, heal and move on? Another woman won't quicken that process and you could end up hurting someone badly because you are so not ready for another relationship. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 6:10:23 AM | chellaruse ... ^^^ What you said. It helped me so much. I wanted to write to you but your profile blocks me ... if you would please open contact. I would love to send you a little note.
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Posted: 6/14/2008 7:27:45 AM | | OP, I can't even believe I am going to post this, but I think it will help both of us. I can only speak for myself but in the past when I have left a very good man, it was because I didn't feel as if I could live up to what he wanted. It had nothing to do with him, it was about me and my insecurities and not loving myself enough to let someone else love me, perhaps this is what happened with you ex. My hope for you is that you move forward and find someone who loves herself enough to let you love her as well. Not all women are like this, don't hold the sins of others against someone new you might meet. Often times it takes losing a good man like you to teach a woman like me a lesson. I have learned my lesson and hopefully so has your ex. I hope you find the love you deserve. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 8:04:28 AM | I do know how you feel as I've been there too. I've also experienced a sudden and unexpected 'about face'. Some people do this kind of thing and it's peculiar to them. It plunged me into a nightmare of questions: questioning myself, wondering what made them suddenly do this, wondering if I could ever trust a man again. After several months and talking with friends, etc., I've come to realise that this is quite unusual. Mostly, one has an inkling that things are going wrong and one or other of the parties has discussed it. Sometimes this happens and it's a terrible shock.
You need to accept that you may never understand why and that this experience was likely a one-off. There's no reason to suppose that someone else would do likewise. I do believe it's quite rare. It is so easy to wall onesself off and that's what I did, but somewhere at the back of my mind I knew that what happened to me doesn't happen that often to people. My new partner has had to get through a lot of mistrust and mental barriers, but I do feel he means what he says and is a constant. We'll see, I guess.
To get through it, I talked with friends and family, cried a lot, just survived for a while. But, as soon as possible, turn outwards and start to make new contacts in every which way you can, in person, by email, dating sites, whatever, just give yourself the possibilities of a new relationship. Eventually, like me, you'll find yourself in the position of having a lovely circle of friends and choice as to partners. It took me six months.
One final thing: I believe some people a nurturers and some are users. A nurturer will build on what they've got, take care of it and never just abandon it without warning and ensuring its safety and well-being. A user will say the right things to get what they want, not think of the consequences, use it as long as it suits them, and then walk off without a backward look. I don't believe that all users do this deliberately or are cruel, just that its in their nature. If you meet someone new, think very carefully about what category you'd put them in and what kind of person you'd like to be spending time with. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 8:23:38 AM | Welcome to the club.
I swear that women have a toggle switch for on and off.
I also swear I am a magnet for dysfunctionals.
From my experience, the guy is usually the one getting hurt here...not the woman. This is especially true if you are a sensitive person. Women seem to be a very unstable commodity. I swear all they are is bigger kids...and just as immature as kids can be. Nothing remotely is adult about any of them. They want your respect...demand it actually...but act like little children. "Treat me as a spoiled child...but respect me as an adult". Can't they ever see, how the two do not fit together? Generally, all of my relationships ended up being a roller coaster ride, toward the end of them. Nothing you do or say will have any effect on the eventual outcome. It just seems to be the nature of the beast. 87% of all divorces in my home state are initiated by women...generally between the ages of forty and forty five. I suspect it is just a hard wiring issue, that we as men will never be able to comprehend. I sure have plenty of scars. By middle age...most of us do. I view sensitivity as a real curse. Eventually it does take a toll on you though. "Once bitten..twice shy"
What is it about a woman, that they will not ever accept a man as he is, but always seem to have to mold them into what they want...exactly what they want. Apparently we are here to be molded...into the person they want us to be...not the person that we actually are.
You know, it would be different if they actually lead interesting lives...or actually even had a life...but most of the time, they are going back to an empty life of nothing at all. Their existence is totally empty, and devoid of any real point, except to work themselves into an early grave. There are not a dozen better suitors waiting in the wings for them, and down the road they always seem to regret what they have done...when it is too little...and way too late.
it will always be your fault...it always is. Ask them..they will surely tell you so. That is always a given from day one. No matter who is on and off like a switch (usually the woman), or who is the one always raising obstacles to the relationship (virtually always the woman), it is always all your fault...period. Simply accepting the fault though, does nothing at all. They know that anyway, and it is about time you recognize it. It changes absolutely nothing. "Pardon me, but you have obviously mistaken me for someone who really gives a shit!". The mind turns...it is over for good...accept it and move on.
My advice...do exactly what you are doing. You cannot ever win. No matter how you view things, it is a lose...lose situation. The problem for most men, is they have emotionally bonded, and would do virtually anything for that person. The fact is though, no matter what it is you ever will do, it will never be enough. If you do bend, and do as they say, they lose all respect...so you are back to square one. No matter how you play this, you cannot ever win. It is time to take your lumps and move on to the next one...likely with similar or worse issues. The bonding begins anew...the likely fate...the same. . C'est la vie. It is the nature of the beast. A stable woman is an oxymoron, and like fairy tails, love everlasting is not reality. The bottom line...they all have issues...but no matter how you approach it...it will always be you at fault. You are the one who is messing up a good thing. They are speaking to you from high atop mount olympus...as most gods do...and are beyond reproach...untouchable...totally uneffected by anything approaching logic. Words are a total waste of time...and logic is just a word. Nothing you say...and nothing you do...will get you back where things should be. They have moved on...to lord knows where...with no real future in mind...too messed up to actually deal with the reality of their situation.
If I sound bitter...I am...I have been there way too often. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 8:54:31 AM | ^^^^to say you are bitter would be an understatement.
If you are so bitter and jaded, and you have such a low opinion of women based on your own experiences, why are you here on a dating site - seeking a 'long term relationship'? I would think that if any potential date read your rant here, she'd be running for the hills.
Being dumped by someone we love isn't gender specific. Men do it. Women do it. It's something that happens to humans. Why must we always make it a gender (bashing) thing? For every man who's had his heart broken by a woman who abruptly ends it for no known reason, there's a similar story from a woman who's had the same thing done to her.
And if you're finding this is such a pattern in your life; that women do this to you, maybe you ought to consider that you're the common denominator - and you need to take a good hard look at the kind of women you're attracted to / that you attract.
To the OP, I'm very sorry this happened to you. It's never easy when we're left in limbo and have no closure - and it's hard to find closure when you have so many unanswered questions. It's hard to understand how someone's feelings can suddenly change like that - one day they're professing their love and happiness with you, then the next day they're gone. All of us, men and women, have encountered this at some point (or will, sadly).
I don't know why people misrepresent their feelings and lead us on, then suddenly 'drop the bomb'...........I think it speaks volumes about them as a person. They don't have much integrity and there are fundamental parts of their heart and personality that are simply missing.
It will take time for you to get over this and to be able to learn to trust again -- but please know that not all women are like this. Try not to become cynical and jaded and bitter and hateful toward women because of this one devastating experience......because if you do, you will surely miss out on someone wonderful. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:10:28 AM | You recognize that even though you may not feel that way now, this was not the right woman for you and you deserve someone with whom you are truly compatible. Your situation is more difficult than someone that had a heated relationship with many different things pointing to why it ended. If she said she was happier with you the day before she broke up with you, then she is a liar, and if she would allow her dissatisfaction to build to the degree that she had to end it without giving you a clue, that is another reason why this woman would not have been suited as a life mate.
You must also look at the relationship honestly and consider whether those fights that were about small stuff were belittling to her, or in some other way a bigger deal than you thought they were. Did you listen to her, did you approach her physically when you were not headed toward the bedroom? There are many different things that you may have perceived very differently from the way she saw them and unfortunately, many people expect their SOs to be mind readers. You are romanticizing the relationship and the longer you do that, the more you will grieve both for her and the future you are not going to have, with her, you will have it, just a cast change.
Learn from it what you can, try to paste a smile on your face, do things you didn't do because they weren't her thing or things you have always wanted to do and one of these days the memories of her will be seldom instead of triggered by everything you encounter. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:15:54 AM | it's hard to break up no matter who left who, but even harder in your situation. I'm sorry ... like other's have said...give it time..... take care of yourself and your needs ...do things that make you feel happy or at peace. Don't jump into a new relationship until you are able to be happy with yourself/by yourself again. Just my thoughts.
Peace
p.s.
you might think long and hard about what was really going on... there probably were some type of clues .... some are really hard to see. A lot of people have issues they hide, sometimes they even hide from themselves, like maybe desperately try to ease feelings of low self worth and loneliness by shopping...for one little example....sorry, playing amateur shrink here! | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:23:14 AM | LOL...no it is not gender specific. It definitely is very much more common for the guy to get dumped though. In surveys taken nationally...men are dumped nearly five times as often as women. The American Psychiatric association has that figure on its' website. I am not only speaking about me also. I have watched it occur repeatedly to male friends...all except one who has the sensitivity of a pet rock. Most of the time...it is the gal dumping and the guy being dumped. I am not making that up.
I am bitter...but only much more cautious is all. I am very sensitive and get hurt often and easily...but I do keep trying. Sometimes I am not so sure why. The gals I have known, run the gammut too...no two remotely alike. The variety does not seem to make any difference. They vary by age...body type...personality...and background...vary a lot. I do readily admit to being a magnet for dysfunctionals though. It seems I have the midas touch in reverse. It also seems though, that the more you try, the harder you work at it, the less the chance you will make it. Unless you keep trying, how do you know. What other option do you have? Fact is though, it is tough...like banging your head against a brick wall.
I suspect it is very telling though, that they all second guess themselves later on, and contact me again, to test the waters, when it is really way too late to begin again. All remenber me fondly in the long term, and many also have remained friends. Many contact me when they need something...or have problems they cannot deal with. Most do regret us having parted. All seem to follow my life closely. I am not sure of the significance there. Some even have another significant other...yet remain freinds with me...and wish for the past back. I do not pretend to understand...I just observe. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:23:20 AM | | You have to back up and see the situation for what it is...It could have been longer than 9 months, you could have had a lot more invested in a one sided relationship, you could have been married when she decided this. You have to find the things that are good in this like did you really want to be married to someone that is capable of doing such as this. Is that the type of deceptive, self centered person you would want to spend the rest of your life with. And you pray that you do not become bitter and take those fears into the next relationship...The next person in your life should not have to pay the price for the others actions. She really did you a favor by stopping now, instead of a few years from now! No mater what you did or how good you were, this person still had this flaw and only they can change it! | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:30:55 AM | I'm one of those "old ladies" who hates to see so many of you young guys feeling so jaded. I know several young guys, anywhere from 18 to 35, who have been so hurt by some woman, that believe they will never get over it, who put up thick walls around their feelings. It's really sad to see.
Everyone has been hurt at some point in their lives but you have to find a way to deal with it and put it in the past. You learn from it but you need to remember that not everyone, woman or man, is out to hurt you. Don't close yourself off to real feelings just because you are in pain right now. Don't internalize it and become so afraid to feel that you lose out on someone real. Deal with it then let go of the pain and live your life. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 9:49:39 AM | OP if, like I did a few years back, you were to join a singles activity 'group' - I joined one that did dancing/rambling/holidaying etc where the average age was 55 - you would have your eyes opened to just how often this happens to people.
There's often an assumption that someone 'did something wrong' when a split occurs - and we can even make that assumption about ourselves (I know I did - I thought there was something wrong with me when my marriage wouldn't work).
I've seen guys on here post similar posts and some people instantly reply 'you weren't man enough' or 'you've got problems' etc etc and none of it counts for very much unless it's helping you get over it.
A similar situation I came across at that singles group I joined was a chap named 'John' who was 54 and his youngest son had reached 18 and was leaving home. John bought tickets for him and his wife for a round-the-world cruise and he was going to surprise his wife but on the day his son left he got a bigger surprise. She told him that now the children had left she wanted a new life and packed her bags and went to live with a lady friend (she told him there was no other man involved). He told me they hadn't argued once during their marriage and there was no hint she was unhappy.
3 months later he was still talking about it as he just couldn't figure out where it had gone wrong and he was searching for answers. There weren't any - the only person who could answer them was his wife who wasn't around.
I don't believe time heals - I think action does. I think you need to run over and over it in your head, feel your feelings of loss, get angry at how you've been treated and release it all. Then when you've found your self again you can move on.
Good luck mate. | |
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| Answer to: onmyown4
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:24:17 AM | Dear onmyown4,
Thank you; to what do I need to change for you to contact me in the following, specifically:
Male (edit)
Age between 38 and 50 (edit)
Live in United States (edit)
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex. (edit)
Or, can you not add me to your favorites, which will allow me to contact you without changing my settings?
Hope you have a nice weekend!
Cheers!
Chela | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 10:52:48 AM |
Time heals everything
No, time doesn't heal a damn thing. Instead, it's what one chooses to do with time, that heals.
OP: Many times things happen to people for a reason. I think the experience is there to learn from.
There are no mistakes...only lessons to be learned. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:21:09 AM | | I have had this account for about two years, I am not actively looking for anything. That sounded more snapish than I meant it, so please don't take offense. I hate writing these things, therefore I am not going to rewrite it, I will be ready again. Besides, this is an easy and safe platform in which to vent and talk. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:28:56 AM | "One final thing: I believe some people a nurturers and some are users. A nurturer will build on what they've got, take care of it and never just abandon it without warning and ensuring its safety and well-being. A user will say the right things to get what they want, not think of the consequences, use it as long as it suits them, and then walk off without a backward look. I don't believe that all users do this deliberately or are cruel, just that its in their nature. If you meet someone new, think very carefully about what category you'd put them in and what kind of person you'd like to be spending time with."
So true, I am a born nurturer. Friends, family all call me when they need sympathy, a hug, a friend to listen. I babysit, lend money, make chicken soup, help people move, whatever they need right then. Because it was how I was raised, if someone needs help, you help them. I wish my family was closer geographically to me they have never let me down.
When I need someone the entire world seems to just disappear. I've had a horrible last week thanks to my Ex. His anger, depression, police were involved, lawyers. I reached out to two separate people that I have always been there for just to listen......and nothing. Both have made no attempt to contact me in the last 5 days. I was alone in this. I feel like a complete idiot. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:31:04 AM | | As for being bitter... Hell yeah, why shouldn't I be?? I have said before, I am not looking for anything right now, but I am not going to rewrite my profile of 2 years, I hate writing those things anways. As far as the type I am attracted to, well, she was a complete anomaly, we have known each other for years, it just kind of happened. Her betrayal was something that went completely against her character. If someon wants to run for the hills, I say I can crack a whip behind them to help em go faster, I do not want someoen that doesn't like me because I am not afraid to show my emotions. I am a strong, intelligent man, but that does not mean I don't have a soft side. Being strong is good, but strong like a tree, not like steel; Steel breaks, the tree bends. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:40:43 AM | | Ok, let me explain something real quick. Several people have asked why I am looking for a long term relationship. Here is the answer: That is what I want, I have never been married, I am glad my engagement ended, though it hurts, because I do not want to go through a divorce. When I get married I want it to last. I am not actively searching at the moment. Anyone that messages me here I tell them I am not ready for anything permanent yet. I will not, however, close all my options. I am in a place where I still want to meet people, everyone needs friends. Friendship is first and formost the basis of a good relationship, aside from initial attraction. Don't let the fact that I am open about my pain make you think I am weak, needy or ignorant of the workings of relationships. I am not bitter towards women, I am bitter towards my ex, but if leaving me makes her a better person, I am glad for her. I am better for having known her, I still hurt, but I am tryin to move on. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2008 11:47:18 AM | | My applogies, I replied to you post before I read it all the way throughI do not believe all women are stereotypical, I am not jaded, if it sounded that way, well, I am hurt, but my last statement in my original post should have explained that I hold no grudge to the fairer sex. lol I hope I did not come off to snappy in my first reply. | |
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