| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:40:30 PM | What if you read your partner's diary and found out things that caused you to end the relationship?
I did this. I was disappointed in myself for reading it; I didn't think I would do something like that. And yes, I realize
it is symptomatic of insecurity or dysfunction in the relationship. But it turned out my insecurity was justified, so I ended the relationship.
I want to learn from this experience and not get into a situation where I am tempted to do something like that again.
How can I move forward, forgive myself, and trust that I can have a healthy relationship with someone else? Is the main problem that I got involved with the wrong person--or that I was in denial about the fact that it was the wrong person. Should I focus on improving my ability to choose people or is it more about my communication skills once I'm in a relationship?
H2L | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:51:16 PM | Sure--it's justifiable to the person needing to justify it!
or that I was in denial about the fact that it was the wrong person.
Yes...and that lil voice inside you wouldn't shut up, and that's why you looked. You needed to prove to yourself you were right and why you were right. In a way, you were validating yourself...choosing badly but still knowing you'd chosen badly.
It's too easy to choose to not listen to the tools that keep us safe, but we have 'em for good reason. I think if anything, you should decide to trust yourself much more. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:57:13 PM | | A better question to ask is why they felt the need to have to hide something in a diary and not communicate with you? I post my diary on the web for all the world to see, I have nothing to hide from anyone and actually have a little pity in my heart for those people who think that they can't be themselves and let the world love them for who they are! | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:34:24 PM | I think your post, OP, speaks to snooping in general rather than specifically reading a diary. And in my opinion and experience, there are times when it is justified ~ particularly when a trust has been violated or someone's well being is at stake.
It's pretty clear you didn't trust him and you acted on that. Right or wrong, you got the confirmation you needed.
I would definitely focus on your ability to choose the right men, the ability to assess their trustworthiness at the outset. Communication is vital as well.
Always listen to your gut, it will never lead you astray. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:35:23 PM | Sometimes I get really upset about something, and scribble it down. I may be so upset, but that does not mean that is who I always feel about the person. I guess if I was writing about cheating or wanting to cheat, then the other one has a right to know, but not from spying. But I do not think it is ever right to invade somebody's privacy.
I keep an online blog, in which I am pretty open and honest, and if a significant other wants to know what is going on in my life around him, then he is free to read that. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:35:57 PM | How would you know it was true?
Most of the stuff I write in my journal is fiction. Creative writing exercises.
First person narrative stuff, very loosely based on my life, augmented by an active imagination.
Like the About Me section in so many PoF profiles.
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:41:50 PM | of course it is! In fact you could make millions later!
pfft, I loved it that my mother never invaded my space in any way, it gave me great freedoms! | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:42:39 PM | There must have been a reason for the lack of trust. I will never be with someone I don't trust. People waste so much time and energy checking their mates phone records, text messages, email and for what? Why would you want to live like that? If people would put half of that energy into something positive for the relationship they wouldn't have to worry about trust. I will only use my powers for good lol.
In your case, you are lucky you got out when you did. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:43:07 PM | That question is one with no real answer... If you read your partner's diary/journal, and find out things that cause hurt or pain and eventually lose the relationship, then the diary owner feels betrayed because you snooped, and you feel betrayed because of what you read.
Some times reading a diary/journal can be beneficial to the relationship, as people can sometimes express themselves better when they are not afraid of ridicule or criticism. If one learns how the other feels and can gain a better understanding, the consequences of the act may do some harm, but what the snooper found out can be used to work on weak points in the relationship.
If I had a diary and a partner, and they read what I had written, I would have a problem with trusting them, but it might allow room for conversation to improve things. If I was seeking relationships with others, yet still with my partner and I confided in my diary thus, and my mate read that, well then I would also be in the wrong as well...
If you are worried about your next relationship, I would recommend working on your own communicative skills, and then seeking a partner who also had good communication skills. Trust and communication are two important foundation blocks in any relationship, as well as common ground...
Take this experience, learn from it, and move forward in your life. Counsel yourself for snooping, but yet work on finding someone who, being with, would be beneficial for both of you... If what you read illustrated that you had poor communication skills, which males are KNOWN for, accept it, and take what you read and make it a point to work on those things.
Bottom line...? Don't dwell on your past actions focus on what you can do to be a better person for yourself and a possible mate...
CowTrucker
(What's left of...) Chapman, Kansas | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:47:21 PM | If you feel the need to snoop, or track, or in some other way check up on somebody you are in a relationship with it's a sign that you need to end the relationship. They may be doing nothing wrong (obviously no so in this case) but the mere fact that you don't feel you can trust them shows you don't belong in a relationship - at least not with them.
Everybody keeps secrets and they have a right to those secrets. If you can't trust the other person won't hurt you then you need to leave. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:52:44 PM |
Everybody keeps secrets and they have a right to those secrets. If you can't trust the other person won't hurt you then you need to leave.
If your S.O./spouse is cheating on you or your child is using drugs, I don't believe they have a right to that secret. But that's just me... | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:57:57 PM | Diaries have helped solve many murders and explained many adolescent suicides, I think more parents should have a peek now and then. I know I sure would have liked to have read a girlfriends diary, she said "she wrote everything in hers", I would have seen that bus before it hit me. Right ,wrong ,this could turn out to be 40 pages long, so you see you are not alone in your thinking. 
I also think some children leave them out in hopes that some parents will read them, just because they are hurting and crying out for help. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:10:59 PM | If your S.O./spouse is cheating on you or your child is using drugs, I don't believe they have a right to that secret. But that's just me...
agreed. If someone has been behaving in a deceitful or shady manner, you are right to lose trust in them. that's not controlling or insecure: that's a natural reaction. if you catch them lying to you, or doing things that are indications of betrayal, and you still trust them just as much: you are in denial.
Rooting around in their stuff is not the best way to approach this, a direct confrontation would be a bit more honest of you. If you think they are lying or being evasive during this conversation, then you probably don't need to read their diary at that point. If you are still unconvinced, and unsure: I think some moderate snooping is justifiable. Hiring a PI if you are married and might be facing a divorce, not announcing you are returning home a day early from your trip.. i think this type of stuff is fair game.
reading their diary...eh, not exactly cool of you...I think it's a situation where the ends can justify the means to you, but you still feel like shit. If you find proof they cheated, you were justified, if not, you feel like an ***hole for doing it. I think this particular issue is a no win, other than that if you find proof they were cheating - at least you know to get out of there. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:13:50 PM |
How can I move forward, forgive myself, and trust that I can have a healthy relationship with someone else?
dear Hereto Learn (hmmm, catchy name)
In my humble experience, I don't think it's all about learning new communication skills here. But you might want to look at the word Trust that you asked about.
Most people need work in that area...some more than others.
Forgive yourself starting right now...and, forgive him too. Then, examine your very own issues about Trust, for without it, you will not have a good relationship, but you will have quite a knotted up stomach.
You clearly have the cart before the horse here by already worrying about the next relationship with someone else. I am trying to bring this back to you...and only you. How about a healthy relationship with yourself? wouldn't that be a good thing?
I'm sorry you found out things in his journal....but you had a hunch that somethings weren't right anyway.
Insecurity is another issue we all must continually work on. Yours, not his, no one's but your own insecurity. Insecurity is never really 'justified', it is simply a feeling attached to Non Trust.
Sometimes, it may feel like someone is 'doing' something to you, but if you have a better sense of self, then you may just realise that people can't really hurt you as much as you think.
Forgiveness...start today.
Be well,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Kimbo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:26:53 PM | Heh, one of my ex's left, moved to NC (I'm in CT) with an old friend of hers, and wound up "skipping town" with some loser she met (to quote her friend Angela - "foul mouthed, dirty, low-life - don't know what the attraction was"). Literally took off with him and left all her stuff there (including the TV I had bought her while we were dating - her friend Angela has it now, I told her to keep it).
But, she left her diary as well... her friend Angela read it and was *pissed* at all the nasty things in the diary about her. She said there were things about me, and asked if I wanted to know... I said no. Not my place to know or care (we were ex's at that point, who cares?). Comfortable enough with who I am. (And, damnit, after talking w/ her friend a lot over a few weeks, I wish I'd met her and not the ex! :laugh:).
I don't think I'd ever do it in a relationship. If I had enough doubts about it to want to read the diary, I think that would tell me all I need to know, in my own heart, about the "status" of the relationship.
I guess my question for the OP would be, you said "it is symptomatic of insecurity or dysfunction in the relationship" - if the relationship was dysfunctional, why would you stay? And if it was your own insecurity - how might you think that contributed to what you feel you found "justified" about it after reading the diary? Will you ever have a "healthy relationship" if you have such insecurities? If you think better communication would have alleviated your insecurities, by all means try to do better... and definitely evaluate the role of your own 'insecurities' in your relationship choices. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:31:11 PM |
How can I move forward, forgive myself, and trust that I can have a healthy relationship with someone else? Is the main problem that I got involved with the wrong person--or that I was in denial about the fact that it was the wrong person.
Possibly you are looking for justified excuses to deal with your conscious , a good start would be learning to mind your own business.
forgive yourself and move on and respect the next person you get involved with privacy. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:46:10 PM | There's some truth to what you say. I gave all three of sosn and stepson blank books.
What's this?
A blank book.
What do I do with it.
What ever you like.
Stare. Stare.
Paint,paste pictures. Gosh ,ou could even write in.
Do math with it.
Now I get the boy is Mom wierd look.
Months later. On the phone.
Mom,Where did you get that book?
Which book?
The ones you gave us at Christmas. Where did you buy them ,what I mean to say.
I got three requests over the next year for blank books. Teenage and pre adolescent boys do not keep diaries.
Do you need any more?
No, Mom, that's ok.
You don't use them anymore.
Actully I found a place where I an get them myself.
How much do they charge you? | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:53:14 PM |
But it turned out my insecurity was justified, so I ended the relationship.
~OP~ I'm sorry, but these types of justifications never cease to amaze/amuse me. You were insecure, you read the diary, you were justified in the end. I'll never understand that concept, but I suppose everyone has their own sense of "reasoning."
~OT~ If you feel the need to snoop, you probably already know what your going to find. JMO  | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:34:30 PM | Reading their diary is justifiable if they become a missing person, yes. Otherwise no.
It sounds like you have trust issues or too much jealousy. Work on your faults after identifying them and overcome them. If you can't then look for someone who doesn't mind have a jealous person with trust issues around..... I think fixing them is the way to go. Read self-help books and maybe a few books about body language. If you are good at it, it's not hard to spot lying. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:18:15 PM | I never write down things I wouldn't ever want anyone else to see, so anything I write down, I write down knowing the possibility that someone else might see it someday. So while some things I say are more strongly worded than I would have told someone else, it's the same thought and I am not ashamed of it.
I sort of expect that when I get into a long-term situation, that my partner would eventually read some things I wrote for myself. No big. If they're a big part of my life, it makes sense that they'd want to know what I'm up to, what I think. *shrug* So, to me, no justification is needed, really.
If you're going through your gal's diary, then you already suspected something and simply need it confirmed. Usually, your gut's pretty spot on. Have to learn to trust it. All that diary did was confirm your fears. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:22:27 PM | | Look, at least some of us are going to tell you that reading someone else's diary is not right or correct, particularly since this post is more about wanting a pat on the back than really coming to terms of what is it that you discovered that was so unjustified. Personally, knowing what I know about your personality, I would never go out with someone one like you. | |
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| Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified?
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:32:17 PM | Dear Friend,
Betraying someone's privacy, whether it is your husband, lover, family member, friend, is NEVER justified. It is wrong.
If the man whose diary you read did something you think was wrong, that is his doing something wrong. It does not make it all right for you to do something heinous back to him.
It is blatant betrayal to snoop into another person's private writings. You were wrong.
Maybe you feel guilty because you are guilty. It does not matter what he did or did not; it is his responsibility to examine his behavior, not yours. It is your responsibility to admit and understand that what you did was very wrong. It matters not what he did.
He is responsible for his behavior; you re responsible for yours...no justifying. | |
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